Buying a property together unmarried

[Breakfastbaguette]

Just wondered if anybody has done this or split up and how things worked out for you.
I've been with my partner just over 3 years, lived together 2.5 years.
I'm 32 and he's 28, 29 start of next year. We aren't engaged, I asked him in March if he'd considered marriage with me as I'd like to and he said he hadn't thought about it yet, it was a massive commitment, not ready yet, none of his friends are married etc.

Fine, now the topic of purchasing a house together has come up. He's said he's happy to do this (well that's what he said at least). He hasn't mentioned marriage since so clearly not changed his mind, I haven't mentioned either.

Aibu to think it's too risky to buy property together if we aren't married? What if we buy it then a year later he still doesn't want to get married?
I don't want to seem like I'm putting pressure on him, but as I say it just seems too risky, it's not quite as easy as renting. Just wondered people's thoughts?

It's not about being married or not. It's about wanting the same things. It sounds like you want different things

At present he has all the power with the marriage thing. I don't want to be long term with somebody but never get married

In that case you might do better to look elsewhere, especially if you'll want children in future. After 3 years people generally know if their partner's the one they want to commit to or not, and you're runniing the risk of becoming the one who's "good enough for now", throwing away your fertle years and coming to resent him

Obviously nobody has to be married, but the issue here seems to be wanting different things, and that's not an easy one to solve unless you take back your own power in this

After 3 years he should know.

Tbh after 3 months he should already have a strong feeling (although might want to wait a couple years to go through some life events together etc especially if you met in your 20s).

29/30 isn't an unreasonably young age to marry but it sounds like he's not ready yet, so dump him and find someone who's clear about you, you're still young, certainly don't buy a house with him.

I bought a house with my ex- solid relationship I thought (8 years at the time) but I had the bigger deposit and we did tenants in common and a deed of trust even though plenty of people told us not to bother, we wouldn't break up. We'll, 3 years later we did. Luckily it was very amicable but I'm so glad I had that legal protection in place.
In my case, given I owned the majority and his equity was much lower, i eventually bought him out and took over the mortgage and we consider it win win- I now have a house I probably never would have managed on my own (wouldn't have qualified for the mortgage back then) and he has a cash sum that would have otherwise gone on rent.
I do think my experience qas helped by an amicable split, but the legal and financial security meant it was all so much easier

Dp and I bought a house together unmarried, and re perfectly happy with our choice, but I didn't do it in the hope that marriage would come later. We bought a house in the knowledge that we both did not want to get married.

I think you need to resolve the debate about marriage first, s it's the sort of thing that's a deal-breaker.

Three years in is not an unreasonable time to fix on whether you re suited for a lifelong commitment.

It’s fine. If you’re concerned your share will be greater and you’ll loose some money if you spilt have a trust deed setting that out.

I was married (now divorced) and owned with my then husband- the mortgage was harder to get out of than the marriage. I can't see how this would be any different if you were married or not.

The bigger issue here is he doesn't want to get married (or doesn't know if he does, at least) and you do. Have you told him it's a deal breaker?

Yes that’s true. If marriage is a deal breaker for you then agree on that first.

If you’re not sure you’ll be together in three years time. I would not buy a house with him.

what if you split and he doesn’t want to sell the house/makes it difficult to sell up?

you'd be crazy to have such a huge financial commitment with someone you’re not sure is committed to you.

its not easy splitting up when your finances are enmeshed especially your housing situation. You could worst case scenario still be paying the mortgage and he’s refusing to move out and you are having to go to court to be able to sell the house because you want to split up.

I wouldn’t. can you buy on your own?

I wouldn't buy a house until you are at least engaged with the wedding day booked. Marriage is important to you. It is to me too.

You may not want kids immediately, but at 32 you are going to be limited in how long you have to decide. If he isn't on the same page in terms of the commitment to what you both want, move on and find someone who is.

Buying a house together is a big commitment, does he realise? If he doesnt want to commit to you by hitting married why is he OK with buying a house together? Perhaps he doesn't realise what a commitment it is.

You don't have to be married to be in a committed relationship.
You don't have to be married to buy a house together.
You don't have to be married to start a family.
If you stay together and then find yourself separating down the line, it is the mortgage and children that complicate matters, not the fact that you are married.

Society has moved on in many ways, but there is still an ingrained sense of 'everyone' will get married some day, but not everyone wants to get married and that is fine. You just have to figure out what YOU want and try to ignore what is 'expected' of you.

He will know if he wants to marry you after 3 years. If you want the marriage and the children and he doesn’t I’d cut my losses and leave . Worse case scenario you get pregnant and stay together for the children . You both realise it’s not working and you separate but now there are children involved.

I think buying property together is a big commitment. It's not a permanent one, in the way that children are, but it's a long-term one nonetheless.

There are ways to buy a property (tenants in common, ring-fencing deposits, etc.) that protect your individual investments if you split. But in the current market, if you aren't both really certain this is going to be a long-term relationship, I'd be hesitant to buy.

BIL has only just managed to force the sale on his property that he bought with his partner (of 15 years). They weren't married but were together quite a long time. But the house purchase was sort of a last ditch effort to try to hold on to some permanency in the relationship, as BIL found out that partner had cheated on him while on a hen do just previous (and also potentially with a neighbour, if you can believe it). They did end up buying but the relationship was quite shaky. They split up a year and a half later, but partner refused to sell. And then ended up having to do this dance for another 3 years where they each would move back into the house for a period of time while the other moved out (BIL lived in a shed at the bottom of his boss's garden for 2 years!) and get a lodger. Their lives ended up being very up in the air for years and BIL only finally managed to force a sale to release the equity so he could buy again.

In the end, despite all the stress, due to COVID and rising house prices, they ended up making about £100K on the purchase in only 5 years. So they've now both been able to move on and buy other properties. But in the current market, I would be reluctant to take the risk if you aren't very certain you are both committed for the long-term, because negative equity is a real risk if you need to sell up in 2-5 years time. That doesn't have as much to do with being married, but more to do with if either of your aren't sure yet because the relationship is still quite new.

The fact people get divorced is not evidence they were not committed at the outset. It is just evidence it broke down, and these days we know when to call it a day rather than persist in misery.

For people who in principle want to get married, they are not fully committed until they are ready to say yes to that proposition.

For people who in principle don't want to get married, they obviously can be fully committed without being married.

He only has ‘all the power’ if you give it to him.

maybe it’s time that you sat down and had a full and frank discussion about where your relationship is going, and what you both want from it. You seem to have been fairly quick to move in together ( nothing wrong with that, we basically never went back to our respective houses after Night One, and that was 44 years ago) but it sounds as if you want things to be settled and legalised….and he doesn’t.

Did you move in with him ? Does he see you as a useful partner subsidising the mortgage rather than an equal partner building a life?

If you give him all the power, you can’t complain if he uses it for his own advantage.

I wouldn’t buy a house with this guy. It sounds like you have very different plans for your futures.

Id look at buying on your own. I’d also be assessing the relationship. You shouldn’t feel like he has all the power.

Perhaps it’s a generational thing or just differing views but I don’t think it’s that unusual for a man (or woman) in their late 20s to have not really considered marriage.

Most of my friends have been in long term relationships since their early 20s but spent the years focusing on their careers, going to gigs, travelling etc. None of us really thought about marriage & then into our early 30s we all gradually got married & started having kids. Some had bought houses in their 20s,
some hadn’t.

So as I say I don’t think it’s unusual if he hasn’t considered it, nor do I think it means he doesn’t want to marry you. But what I absolutely would say is that communication is key here, if he hasn’t thought about it much yet then he needs to, if being married is a deal breaker for you (which is fair enough) then he needs to consider your long term future and decide if that’s something he wants too. In the mean time I’d hold off on buying a house until you both know where you stand.

on a purely practical monetary level what deposits and mortgage payments would you each make?

if it’s 50/50, it’s fine to buy joint tenants. and if anything happens to one of you, the other automatically inherits which would not be the case if you were not married and held tenants in common.

if it’s not 50/50 particularly if it’s you putting more in, buy tenants in common and have a deed of trust drawn up.

If you're renting, it makes sense to invest in property

Have a deed of trust or
Make sure you split everything 50/50 so deposit, mortgage repayments, maintenance, paid equally

If you do split, you ensure you each take 50% if equity out

It sounds to me like he wants to keep his options open, he likes the fact that you want to commit to him but he wants the freedom to not commit to you.
If you buy a house with him you will be trapped, he might decide to start acting like a single man and there'll be nothing you can do because you'll be forced to live with him, you won't be able to afford to move out, he'll be able to put a spanner in the works when it comes to selling and makes life uncomfortable for you if he wants to.
If it was me I would buy a smaller place on my own and not live with him.

he said he hadn't thought about it yet, it was a massive commitment, not ready yet, none of his friends are married etc
This response here....to me this is an insulting brush off, he doesn't want to be serious about the relationship but he wants to string you along as his adoring slave patiently waiting for him to offer to marry you.
I think he just likes the idea of you being tied to him because you own a house with him, he will enjoy the fact that you're wanting to get married and he can just go 'nah, not ready, none of my friends are married' as he goes off out with his mates leaving you to keep house.
Or maybe I'm just old & cynical, but your comments about him having all the power are ringing alarm bells for me.

Hi OP

It is possible and lots of people do it - make sure you have very good legal advice and that you understand the contract fully ( deeds etc) - this may seem obvious but I cant stress this enough. I personally wouldn't do it- especially if marriage is not on the cards. Unpopular opinion: why commit to a home together without marriage? I guess it's an investment- I think the first investment should be in each other first but again unpopular ( I just don't think it is necessary and a massive headache depending on if and how you breakup )

My current partner bought a house with his ex - a lovely house made renovations then they broke up sold the house ( a massive headache and will not go into deets) when they broke up he left their home and he did not know this ( his fault) but he had to pay hefty capital gains tax
Again people do it all the time- I personally wouldn't. Once you have the house there is no incentive to marry even - I say : expect the commitment to get married first if that is what you want
Marriage is a priority for me I am giving my partner another year to propose then we will buy a house - if he does not propose I am not going to play house with him

I think as women we always expect too little- 3 years is def enough
I'm in a two year relationship - I am expecting a marriage proposal in the next year
If It doesnt happen I will move on- partner knows it and he knows he does not have to feel pressure to do anything and he does not
Those were just my priorities
So we shall see - I am done wasting precious time with people who do not want to marry - I cant wait forever

Also the idea that 28 is young for a man? Why are they held to a different standard than women in this regard?

In my experience men are always working to try and get the upper hand, to be in a position where they can have control and make things go in their favor.
The fact that he doesn't want to get married but he does want to own property with you tells me that he feels this will give him the power and control that he wants.