Buying a property together unmarried

[Breakfastbaguette]

Just wondered if anybody has done this or split up and how things worked out for you.
I've been with my partner just over 3 years, lived together 2.5 years.
I'm 32 and he's 28, 29 start of next year. We aren't engaged, I asked him in March if he'd considered marriage with me as I'd like to and he said he hadn't thought about it yet, it was a massive commitment, not ready yet, none of his friends are married etc.

Fine, now the topic of purchasing a house together has come up. He's said he's happy to do this (well that's what he said at least). He hasn't mentioned marriage since so clearly not changed his mind, I haven't mentioned either.

Aibu to think it's too risky to buy property together if we aren't married? What if we buy it then a year later he still doesn't want to get married?
I don't want to seem like I'm putting pressure on him, but as I say it just seems too risky, it's not quite as easy as renting. Just wondered people's thoughts?

Splitting while renting is much, much easier. I don't agree that marriage means commitment, but if he's not against marriage (and I have plenty of friends that are) then I would find it odd that he's happy to buy a house together but not happy to discuss engagement.

Having said that, I know one couple where the man kept on delaying getting engaged and it was clear with the benefit of hindsight that he realised that once they were married kids were on the cards and he wanted to delay that. They're happily married with two children, both born admittedly later in life than the woman would have wanted.

But I don't think it's putting pressure on someone to have a discussion along the lines of how you see the next 5 years going before buying a house together.

There are two separate issues.
Buying a house before marriage is fine as long as you do all paperwork and both of your names are on everything.

But your question seeks to be if its a good idea to buy a house with a partner that is unsure about marriage when you do want to get married.

I was nowhere near ready to get married after 3 years nor was I ready to buy a house. But we would talk about it and I explained my reasons. He hasn't thought about it? That's bs. You need to have a talk if he wants to get married in general, when, what does he think marriage means, kids, what the house means. I feel like he is the type of guy who will say down the line "why get married? Everything is all good, it's just a piece of paper".

If you are committed but not married, the risk is no worse. But if you are not committed, then buying is a risky prospect because it is a PITA splitting a property.

What matters is the level of commitment and you have to be realistic about that.

Yeah I suppose everything in life is a gamble. You could have the wedding booked and the person calls it off the day before.
Or for example I have a friend who got divorced after a year of marriage and a huge, fancy wedding having been together for 8 years.

Of course YABU to think it’s too risky, especially if you are splitting the cost pretty much evenly because even if you become joint tenants neither of you loses out if you sell, and being tenants in common protects you even more. Thousands of unmarried couples own property together. It’s fine if you don’t want to buy with him unless you’re married but it’s a completely normal thing to do. And yes, getting married before 30 is young especially for men.

You can buy a house together and not be married. Just get the solicitor to protect your assets.

marriage is a commitment but financial ties are more of a commitment. The marriage question would make me wonder if it’s me he doesn’t want to commit to or marriage that is a bit of paper and easier to get out of.

Assuming he is happy with you and loves you enough to commit to financially tie himself to you and share debts and trust you will not each ruin your credit scores and mess up future finances. Is that not a bigger commitment? Less romantic but bigger.

We bought our first house unmarried, I put a bigger deposit down so we split it 65:35 then our next house we were married so we split it 50:50. I think you’re wrong about bring risk averse about buying together if not married as long as you have a fair representative share of the house.

It's not really about not being able to split costs etc. It's just that it's harder to get out of than renting. What if the house doesn't sell. The thought of having to afford rent and mortgage at the same time.

And it's more in my situation about buying with someone who's unsure about marriage. It would be different if we'd both agreed not to.

Generally men know quite soon if they want to or would marry you, not in every case though.
At 32 I wouldn't be buying a house with a man that wasn't sure about his future with me, I'd be getting myself healthy and looking for Mr more suitable.

It’s fine until you spilt up and then it is a blood nightmare.

I own a property with my ex-partner 80/20ish split (I own the majority) because of the rise in property prices I can’t afford to buy him out. The property market is slow and it is taking months to sell, he won’t agree to a reduction in price because 4 agents valued it at the current price.

he won’t move out, and because we own as tenants in common I can’t make him. If I move out he will make it impossible for estate agents to get access because at the moment I am paying the bulk of his living costs.

people talk about deeds of trust protecting your assets. I feel fucking trapped. I hate it, and I will never buy a property with anyone again. I will buy my own and if I want to live with someone I will rent it out and rent somewhere together.

If you are thinking about what to do in the event you split - are you saying you are not confident about the future of relationship?

I would personally only buy with someone if I thought at the point of buying I would stay with them. Life changes, but I would want to start out from the position of thinking this was settled.

I'm sorry to hear that :(

If you want to have children and that is the bigger issue here then don’t buy with him.
You could sell up if you split up or one of you keep the house but it’s much harder to do when you own somewhere and can add to the heartbreak.
Could you afford to buy somewhere alone?

I would be confident otherwise, it's just that at present he has all the power with the marriage thing. I don't want to be long term with somebody but never get married.

I would not buy a house with someone who had not indicated (via sensible, grown-up discussion with me) that they thought there would be a long term future with me. House buying is expensive, faffy, and I only want to do it with someone who is excited for a future with me!

I am currently in the position of buying with boyfriend so can say this very honestly, as I've had plenty of sort-of-exciting-sort-of-awkward (always loving) conversations about marriage, babies, fertility, being ready/not ready, what is holding us back from being ready, my concerns around buying unmarried (there were tears) etc. I'm genuinely now comfortable and that's because we had the potentially difficult conversations and I know where we both stand. You need that level of respect before you buy, I think.

I'm his age and bf is 3 years older. In general men seem to be older before they're ready, but I also have a friend who married at 27 (non religious). When good men are ready they're all over it!

One other thing to throw into your thinking process is whether you want to use your first time buyer status now.

If you are focussing on your career and you may have higher purchasing power in the near future, it might be worth thinking that all through as there are options for FTBs that are not available to others.

However prices do rise, so this requires balanced approach.

The mechanics of buying a house as an unmarried couple are straighforward. We had a ‘tenants in common’ arrangement which stipulated exactly what would happen on splitting up.

Marriage was quite important to me too, especially before having children. So to some extent, I insisted on an engagement before we bought our first house together. It wasn’t quite the same situation as you, I was the younger party, and had lower earnings. But at the end of the day buying the house was important to him, and a more formal commitment of our relationship was important to me.

I'd want to be sure he understood that financially, buying a property together is a bigger commitment than marriage. You also both need to lay your cards down on the table and have an honest conversation about what you both want and need long term. If marriage is an absolute must for you, but he doesn't see the need. There's no way it won't cause problems for you later down the line.

The timing of how long you've been together isn't really that relevant, do you love him and want to be with him? If you can see yourselves together forever then great foundation. Be sure that he wants the same and really wants to buy a house together be very careful not to lead his answers and make sure he is active in booking appointments, looking at potential houses etc. then you will know he is committed to you.
The marriage thing is so so so frustrating that men seem to hold this power that they Will decide when the time is right . That the magic surprise proposal is still seen as the norm. It's pretty ridiculous really isn't it? What other thing in life do we apply that to?
Saying that it is a two way thing.
Don't worry about the marriage unless you want to have kids or get pregnant then insist upon it to protect your inevitable earnings hit.
Build your career as far as you can

It sounds like you're not sure of his level of commitment, and I wouldn't buy a house with anyone that I didn't think was committed to our relationship as a long term thing. Obviously things can still not work out, nothing is risk free, but I think there's a significantly higher risk of things not working out if after 3 years you're both not on the same page about commitment levels.

You are wasting your most marriageable years with this man. If you buy a house together and house prices fall what then? You are stuck in negative equity unable to sell and stuck together in misery whilst each dates other people. Can you afford to buy a property alone and make him pay rent as a lodger - drawing up a formal licence agreement?

Oh and I understand what you mean about "he has the power" - I felt similarly. I want marriage, he says he does but is less ready, so I felt like if we bought a house maybe he'd just go "alright that's us sorted then, no need for marriage" which is not what I wanted!

So I told him. Through tears because I suck at these conversations(!) but I used the words "it feels like you have all the power and once we've bought a house what's to say you won't just not agree to marry" and we talked about it. Can't say it was initially particularly fun as he (reasonably!) took a bit of offence at the idea that I had to keep something back to "blackmail" him into marriage...but once we talked about it properly we understood more about our opinions on marriage and how our childhoods had shaped those, and we could talk rationally.

Can you talk to him about this sort of stuff? If you can't, I wouldn't buy a property or marry him until you can to be honest.

He only has all the power if you choose not to exercise your own.

It is OK to say to someone - long term, marriage is a deal breaker for me, so we are a bit stuck for now. Have you said this to him?

If a man likes a woman enough he will want to marry however old he is.
This man does not want to marry you and, having been with you 3 years, that is unlikely to change.
You are most likely wasting your time if you want marriage and children to feature in your future.
Buying a house will not speed things up, it's just an opportunity to show you he has already made that commitment, and not to rush him.
Your need for commitment is more important than his aversion to it - I'd get out of the relationship now.