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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand the way my Dad acts

78 replies

theyaremad · 09/05/2023 22:48

My Dad seems to struggle with the tiniest little things in his life. This week he is overwhelmed because he received an automatic text from our GP surgery 2 weeks ago saying he's overdue his annual check-up for his type two diabetes, and it's all he keeps bringing up. He thinks his life is really stressful and busy, and thinks he has it worse out of everyone in this world. But when you ask him to list off what's wrong it's minor things like he needs to pick his prescription up from the chemist, and pick his daughter up from uni this weekend.

My mum, sister and I were hoping to plan a holiday once my sister finishes uni to celebrate. My Dad is invited but has no interest in holidays and never goes with us (he doesn't even have a passport). Growing up we never went on holidays as we were really poor, it's only once me and my sister started earning money that we have started going on holidays together and sometimes our Mum comes too (the 3 of us are very close). We asked my Dad if he wanted to go and he said no, so we asked would be able to look after the dog and cat for us. He got really angry, and I've now been text by him saying:

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF LIFE. I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE EVER AGAIN. [MY SISTER] CAN MAKE HER OWN FUCKING WAY HOME ON SATURDAY, I'M NOT PICKING HER UP!!!! I DON'T FEEL WELL!!!! I THINK I NEED A BREAK MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE!!

WIBU to have asked if he'd look after the pets so my Mum could come with us? I know he probably feels left out but he never comes on holidays or days out or anything with us, even when we were younger. He never shows up for things - birthdays, Christmasses, graduations. He just keeps to himself and I guess we've gotten used to it

OP posts:
morelippy · 09/05/2023 22:49

Your dad sounds quite unwell tbh.

Merryoldgoat · 09/05/2023 22:51

He sounds like a misery who wants everyone to run around an pander to him.

Original poster
theyaremad · 09/05/2023 22:52

morelippy · 09/05/2023 22:49

Your dad sounds quite unwell tbh.

I agree but I don't know what from. He has always been like this as long as I can remember, though. I think being unemployed has made it worse though

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 09/05/2023 22:54

You weren’t unreasonable in your requests if he were in “normal” full health, but it sounds like he is overwhelmed and clearly isn’t coping right now, so adding any other demands has just been too much. Is this new?

TomatoSandwiches · 09/05/2023 22:55

He sounds overwhelmed or burnt out which is an odd thing to say considering he doesn't work but honestly I think he needs to see a GP and have a review.

Wolfiefan · 09/05/2023 22:58

He’s clearly feeling overwhelmed and sounds quite unwell. But if he’s been like this for years and years then he’s unlikely to seek help and actual treatment. Don’t ask him to do anything you know he won’t cope with. Not much else you can do.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2023 22:59

I feel horrible for your poor mother. He sounds like a miserable, insufferable narcissist. Encourage her to leave him and tell him to do one. I wouldn't pander to that shit for one second.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/05/2023 23:00

How old is he? Depression/dementia?

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/05/2023 23:01

Sorry OP but he sounds like a manipulative arsehole. You and your mum and sister have put up with this for years and have become habituated to it but from an outsider’s perspective it’s really nasty, controlling stuff.

Your mum must be absolutely at her wits end. I would just cut him out of the loop entirely. Don’t rely on him for anything. Oh and get your mum to divorce him. It’s probably the best present she will ever get.

Original poster
theyaremad · 09/05/2023 23:01

My brother will also be home from uni in the summer so he will have been around to help with the pets too, so they wouldn't just be his responsibility.

My dad was acting normally earlier until I mentioned the holiday, so think it just caused him to I guess feel overwhelmed and panic? It's hard when you're being shouted and sworn at down the phone though. We're not going anymore anyway due to the reaction

OP posts:
CoronationKicking · 09/05/2023 23:02

"We're not going anymore anyway due to the reaction"

More fool you. That's exactly why he does it.

Original poster
theyaremad · 09/05/2023 23:04

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/05/2023 23:00

How old is he? Depression/dementia?

I don't think it's dementia as he's always been like this, I have childhood memories of similar kind of reactions

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 09/05/2023 23:05

CoronationKicking · 09/05/2023 23:02

"We're not going anymore anyway due to the reaction"

More fool you. That's exactly why he does it.

This exactly. He does it because it works.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2023 23:06

We're not going anymore anyway due to the reaction

WHY are you pandering to this abuse?? This is exactly what he wanted to achieve by being such a gigantic prick. His only goal was to control you and it worked. Don't you see this?

JonahAndTheSnail · 09/05/2023 23:07

Could be agrophobia if he's feeling overwhelmed leaving the house to do what to most people would consider normal everyday tasks.

AnnieSaxophone · 09/05/2023 23:14

You should definitely go OP. Your Dad’s reaction is his business, not yours. If he’s feeling overwhelmed, he can reduce the things in his life he feels are contributing. But please don’t give up YOUR life - it won’t actually effect him either way. It will only effect you. In a really unnecessary and bad way.

Wolfiefan · 09/05/2023 23:14

You go. You organise alternative care for the pets.

AnnieSaxophone · 09/05/2023 23:16

Ask your local vet if any of the vert nurses offer cat sitting / visits. Or if they can recommend someone. I bet they will.

Pallisers · 09/05/2023 23:20

CoronationKicking · 09/05/2023 23:02

"We're not going anymore anyway due to the reaction"

More fool you. That's exactly why he does it.

win for him. He'll do the same next time. I feel sorry for your mum.

Original poster
theyaremad · 09/05/2023 23:23

I don't get it. The first few posts were saying it was bad to put additional sources of stress on him, and now people are saying I shouldn't have cancelled

OP posts:
LeavesOnTrees · 09/05/2023 23:29

You can still go on the holiday without putting extra stress on him.
Just get someone else to look after the pets.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 09/05/2023 23:30

I'll be honest and say it sounds like he has depression. Could well have had it years. MH was pretty taboo anyway and even now it's more spoken of there's still a taboo about men being depressed (although thankfully that's shrinking)

Could also be a B12 deficiency

Think he needs to see a doctor and see if there's a diagnosis, if he needs any medication etc.

Before we call him a prick etc.

Secondwindplease · 09/05/2023 23:31

theyaremad · 09/05/2023 23:23

I don't get it. The first few posts were saying it was bad to put additional sources of stress on him, and now people are saying I shouldn't have cancelled

The first rule of MN is you’re fucked if you do and you’re fucked if you don’t.

Seriously though, your dad sounds like a handful and you can’t let him dictate terms through poor behaviour. It could be that he’s burnt out, but if he’s been like this forever perhaps he just has a disagreeable temperament. Either way it’s a problem only he can solve, but you have to try not to live in the shadow of it.

Scheanasgreytooth · 09/05/2023 23:36

My ex used to act like this with depression and anxiety. But it was also controlling behaviour, he could have chosen another way to deal with his symptoms and fears, but didn't. He's make such a huge fuss or had immense mood swings, so in the end none of us did anything like holidays, days out etc. as it was easier just to pacify him. So nothing would change, day to day remained the same, his anxiety would calm and he had his own way - until the next time. Instead of seeking help, he just kept tantrumming because it worked. So your dad might be unwell, but this doesn't mean it's the correct way to deal with it, and the results are he us controlling your family with this, whether he intends to or not.

Get your brother and/or a pet sitter to sort out the animals and please go away as planned. Why keep putting your lives on hold for a grown up who acts that way? It's very unfair. Take him out of the equation and enjoy life!

Wolfiefan · 09/05/2023 23:40

You don’t need to put extra stress on him. Pets in boarding or kennels etc. Go anyway.

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