To not understand the way my Dad acts

[theyaremad]

My Dad seems to struggle with the tiniest little things in his life. This week he is overwhelmed because he received an automatic text from our GP surgery 2 weeks ago saying he's overdue his annual check-up for his type two diabetes, and it's all he keeps bringing up. He thinks his life is really stressful and busy, and thinks he has it worse out of everyone in this world. But when you ask him to list off what's wrong it's minor things like he needs to pick his prescription up from the chemist, and pick his daughter up from uni this weekend.

My mum, sister and I were hoping to plan a holiday once my sister finishes uni to celebrate. My Dad is invited but has no interest in holidays and never goes with us (he doesn't even have a passport). Growing up we never went on holidays as we were really poor, it's only once me and my sister started earning money that we have started going on holidays together and sometimes our Mum comes too (the 3 of us are very close). We asked my Dad if he wanted to go and he said no, so we asked would be able to look after the dog and cat for us. He got really angry, and I've now been text by him saying:

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF LIFE. I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE EVER AGAIN. [MY SISTER] CAN MAKE HER OWN FUCKING WAY HOME ON SATURDAY, I'M NOT PICKING HER UP!!!! I DON'T FEEL WELL!!!! I THINK I NEED A BREAK MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE!!

WIBU to have asked if he'd look after the pets so my Mum could come with us? I know he probably feels left out but he never comes on holidays or days out or anything with us, even when we were younger. He never shows up for things - birthdays, Christmasses, graduations. He just keeps to himself and I guess we've gotten used to it

If you all go on holiday he gets a nice quiet break all by himself - surely that is what he seems to want?

He can’t be all that old if two of his children are still at uni? 50? He doesn’t work, turns simple everyday events into catastrophes. I have no idea if he’s unwell or not, I’m not a doctor but I do think he’s manipulative.
You’ve asked him to do a simple task, a task that your brother will help with. He’s used that task as a stick to beat you all with, to manipulate you all into cancelling the holiday.

“OK dad, I’ll make alternative arrangements. Hope you’re feeling better soon.”

Because his "stress" isn't your fault and you not going on holiday won't make him feel any better.
Just ignore his tantrum, organise care for your pets and go.
He'll be the way he is whatever you do.

He sounds like a miserable git that you've all tolerated and accommodated for far too long. That is not a nice message to receive from your own father.

Oooh I've got one of these! He's 90, every interaction is an absolute joy - not. I really feel for you OP xx

Oh this is just like my dad. Every tiny thing is such a big deal. Anything outside of sitting at home watching TV and drinking wine seems to make him angry and stressed. He retired when we were young working adults but all our meet ups still had to be at a time/place convenient to him. Even then when he turned up he would be on edge, stay for the minimum time possible then leave. He doesn’t have any hobbies or anything, if I suggested he take one up or even just go for a walk he would say he’s ‘too busy’ with ‘life admin’. When my brother graduated he drove 2 hours to attend the ceremony but left the moment it ended - didn’t take my brother out for lunch like all the other parents, just drove home to ‘avoid the traffic’. Small things like phoning to make an appointment somewhere just leave him ranting and raving.

In my dad’s case I think he’s always been stubborn and selfish but now it’s also mixed with alcoholism and a strange kind of agoraphobia. He spends so much time just sat at home drinking that the walls have closed in on him and he no longer has a connection to the outside world so just avoids it.

Sympathies!

Because many women are conditioned to pander to this nonsense and find bogus justifications for it.

YWBU to expect any reaction other than the one you got when you asked him to look after your pets. He sounds insufferable, but you seem to have overlooked that in your quest for a free pet sitter. Just pay for rover.com and have a nice holiday.

If you remember him always reacting like this to the things other people consider to be normal life stuff, then there's always the possibility that he has an undiagnosed mental health or neurological condition. Or it could just be part of his personality to feel put upon for the slightest thing. Knowing what it is won't help you though, as nothing will change after all these years. Go on holiday with your mum. Make other arrangements for the pets.

You've tried. Let him stew.

I’m autistic and find everyday small things overwhelming, so I understand where he’s coming from. (Not saying he’s autistic btw, but if he’s always been like this there’s clearly something going on, whether it’s neurodivergence or mental illness or whatever).
However, as a woman I’ve had the conditioning that means others’ needs come first, and I don’t react like your dad (have to admit I used to be prone to pre holiday meltdowns).
Men are often enabled and facilitated through their adult lives, which means that poor behaviour - whatever the reason - is often dismissed as “oh that’s just what he’s like”, so there are no consequences to learn and adapt from.
My dad can be like this. I grew up walking on eggshells as he could be unpredictable. He’s still the same, but I’ve learnt to treat him like my autistic son - options, low demands, and I walk away if he’s rude. Others enable him.
You should definitely go on this holiday. You are (presumably) an adult, make choices for you, and don’t let them be affected by your dad’s actions.

Echo put the pets in kennel/cattery. Don't ask him to do anything moving forward ever again to minimise stress. Be pleasant with him he has issues. Book the holiday and make memories with your mum.

Men are often enabled and facilitated through their adult lives, which means that poor behaviour - whatever the reason - is often dismissed as “oh that’s just what he’s like”, so there are no consequences to learn and adapt from.

This. It’s not good enough. Don’t fall into the trap of allowing him to have a get out of jail free card purely because he’s a man.

Imagine your sister, mum or close friends behaving like this. They would be called on it and told to behave themselves.

But because he’s a man people are falling over themselves to find depression, neorodivergence, agoraphobia etc etc. No let’s call it for what it is. He’s a spoiled baby who has been pandered to all his life. Don’t put up it.

He's just a misery guts, and wants everyone to join him. Usually a disease of middle aged men, though it sounds in this case early onset.

Please can you elaborate as I’m going to be honest reading this comment made my heart drop. I don’t understand what you mean

Who looked after the pets before when the three of you went away?

Also the pets aren’t my pets, they are his and my Mum’s. I’m not just dumping my pets on him, but rather asking if he and my 20 year old brother can take care of them for 4 days

My Dad and brother

Don’t ask him to look after his own pets, just arrange the holiday and enjoy it!

If he has always been like this, I think there are two realistic possibilities.

1. He's the kind of man who expects to be waited on by his wife and when she goes on holiday or he is expected to do anything such as look after a cat (!) he is outraged. He is angry at the thought of having to cater for himself for a week and is lashing out. Basically lazy, selfish and entitled. Ignore him and go on your holiday. Your poor mum needs a break.
2. He has some sort of neurodiversity/depression/anxiety, has difficulty dealing with basic every day life, and has relied on his wife to get him through. Be more understanding, make sure your brother is around but still go on the holiday because your poor mum still needs a break.

You did. Nothing wrong. He didn't want to go. Equally it's fine if he doesn't want to look after the dog

It sounds like he has severe anxiety to me. He should speak to a doctor

Your poor mother.
Why should he be asked to look after his own pets? He's not going, therefore they sre his responsibility.
Just don't pander to him. Ignore the texts. Go on your holiday. Have a frank conversation with your mum as to whether she wants to stay with this soul sucking man for the rest of her life.

I think this comment is such a cruel thing to write. Where is the evidence that I don’t sound much better than him?

Like I said he has a long pattern of this kind of behaviour. You’re implying that I’m similar to a man who has been emotionally abusive my entire life. I don’t think you understand how hurtful your comment is

Ignore this. This is a blatant troll. Don’t be derailed by it.