To not understand the way my Dad acts

[theyaremad]

My Dad seems to struggle with the tiniest little things in his life. This week he is overwhelmed because he received an automatic text from our GP surgery 2 weeks ago saying he's overdue his annual check-up for his type two diabetes, and it's all he keeps bringing up. He thinks his life is really stressful and busy, and thinks he has it worse out of everyone in this world. But when you ask him to list off what's wrong it's minor things like he needs to pick his prescription up from the chemist, and pick his daughter up from uni this weekend.

My mum, sister and I were hoping to plan a holiday once my sister finishes uni to celebrate. My Dad is invited but has no interest in holidays and never goes with us (he doesn't even have a passport). Growing up we never went on holidays as we were really poor, it's only once me and my sister started earning money that we have started going on holidays together and sometimes our Mum comes too (the 3 of us are very close). We asked my Dad if he wanted to go and he said no, so we asked would be able to look after the dog and cat for us. He got really angry, and I've now been text by him saying:

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF LIFE. I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE EVER AGAIN. [MY SISTER] CAN MAKE HER OWN FUCKING WAY HOME ON SATURDAY, I'M NOT PICKING HER UP!!!! I DON'T FEEL WELL!!!! I THINK I NEED A BREAK MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE!!

WIBU to have asked if he'd look after the pets so my Mum could come with us? I know he probably feels left out but he never comes on holidays or days out or anything with us, even when we were younger. He never shows up for things - birthdays, Christmasses, graduations. He just keeps to himself and I guess we've gotten used to it

Why would you want him to come? he'll spoil it.
Arrange for DB to look after the animals and go with DM. When he has his tantrum say "Yes Dad, you do need a break, you seem worn out. Get something booked up" and smile. And change the subject.
If he says he wants to come with you say "get a passports sorted and have a look for next year - let me know your budget" then leave it at that. Stop giving him so much power.

It sounds like he does not deal with change and unexpected things well, which is exacerbated by lack of working routine. I suspect he will continue to get worse as he does less, because everything will be a challenge now.

I will add that my husband is like your dad. A misery-guts. When he does his 6x per year tantrum about collecting DS I say "I'd love to go" and then he suddenly changes his tune. Moronic attention seeking.

OP Please ignore comments like this - they are not a reflection on you, just on the person who posted them. Unfortunately, AIBU is like a bear pit and many posters just want to have a go at people and don't care that how they come across. Try and find the helpful comments in amongst the dross, because there are plenty.

He can’t be all that old if two of his children are still at uni? 50?

Not everyone has had all their children by the time they’re 30! We hadn’t even started having ours by then.

You shouldn’t have cancelled the holiday, can you still go? Are these pets he lives with and your brother will be there? Just ask your brother and go anyway.

My DH used to be exactly like this and would go into panic mode and point blank refuse to do the simplest of tasks. We almost divorced over it, but looking back, I can see he was overwhelmed and simply lashed out rather than say he couldn't cope.
He always felt he had to be in control ( of himself) and any situation he couldn't excel at, he just wouldn't do.
He did get better once I understood so, as an example, I would have said
' I've sorted out dog food and left a note of how much to give them, the dog walker is coming at 10am, remember to let them out for a wee and the poo bags are on the windowsill'.
Just having clear instructions made a huge difference. Might be worth a try OP?

Go on holiday. You can't miss out on memories and life experiences because your dad swore at you again.

Ask your brother about the pets or make alternative arrangements but don't count on your dad to do it.

I think PP meant don't stop him doing what you want to do but at the same time don't make any more demands of him

Don't cancel the holiday. I think 'get a grip' is the only appropriate reply to your dad's message. Kennels and cattery, or arrange with your brother, rather than your dad.

Does your brother ever come with you? I also think this is neurodiversity or mental illness. Could you talk to your dad about this at a time he is calm?

If anyone spoke to me like that I wouldn't be speaking to them anymore.

Put the pets in a kennel/cattery and go on your holiday.

Why is your mum still with him?

Are you new around these parts? That poster pops on on loads of threads being rude and unpleasant for the sake of it; it’s quite weird really why they feel the apparent compulsion to do it.

Just ignore it, it’s meaningless. Focus on the sensible answers about how to improve your life.

Why did your mum marry your dad, I wonder? Was he always like this? I’d be interested to know whether she felt pressured to marry to him without really knowing him properly, or if she’s enmeshed with him and you three children are the collateral damage in an unhealthy relationship that will never end.

Because of all the "woe is being a woman" comments - if it was your mom acting like this then I'd also be saying that there was possibly some MH reason that needed looking at.

And, in fact, all the comments saying he's "being a miserable bloke" etc are just part of the reason that men struggle still. Because whatever they do just has

To be to oppress women some how. Can't be they're ill or need help

That said, you shouldn't have cancelled the holiday.

IME women can have the same issues but tend to reflect more on themselves and try to do better - obviously not all women.

Men can find it very hard to self reflect and admit to themselves that there’s something wrong, and unless called out consistently will often find someone else to blame - obviously not all men.

This tends to be compounded by the fact that boys and girls are socialised differently and girls from an early age are expected to be boys “support animals”, and tend to put up with really quite shocking behaviour throughout school - it’s really no wonder that women put up with such awful behaviour without realising they are.

This isn’t intended to be woe is women, it simply is how it is, but knowing this can give women the power to expect more for themselves, and to be able to see when they’re not being treated well. In this particular case I hope the op feels empowered enough to understand the dynamic with her father and use that knowledge to change her behaviour around him so that he no longer impacts on her life in such a negative way.

He doesn't sound 'unwell' to me. He sounds like a manipulative misery who ruins plans around him for no reason other than he wants to.

You asked him if he could look after his OWN pets?! In a normal relationship, mum would just say, ok husband, I'm going away with our daughters between X and X date - don't forget to feed the guinea pigs! No tiptoeing round his ridiculous outbursts about being so put upon when he has to pick up his OWN prescriptions god help him

I think it's high time all of you start either confronting him about his attitude (if you think he's ill, tell him he needs to see a GP instead of taking his mood out on everyone else I mean), or just ignore him and do what you want anyway.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but he sounds to me like he has anxiety. I have a family member who has anxiety and even small things, ones where most people would just get on with it, are absolutely overwhelming for them. Lots of crying, outbursts and over the top thinking. It's possible to have anxiety for ages and not have any medical intervention until a crisis hits. Not sure what you can do, but perhaps someone he trusts might broach the subject?

My dad is very very similar where me, my mum and sister are all very close and we do a lot of stuff without him because it simply doesn’t interest him at all. We’ve all gotten used to it. But he wouldn’t impose on us like this - has he received any bad news lately?
I feel like lockdown has damaged a lot of people’s social skills with zero interaction with others and left them with a lot of anxiety from having 2 years of being like a coiled spring.

He's either very manipulative or very unwell suffering with stress.
I would calmly explain his reaction to everyday things (without the stress of work) is very extreme; it's impossible for you all to live with, therefore you think he is suffering from a breakdown and you'd like him to see a doctor and have a mental health review.
It will either push him to get the help he needs or call him out on his behaviour if he's doing it on purpose.

What does your mum think about why your dad is like he is, OP?

@theyaremad
Do go on your holiday.
Your Mum will need the break if she still lives with your Dad.
Get the pets minded elsewhere.

He has been like this for as long as I can remember, so I don't think it's some kind of acute breakdown/the effects of lockdown/etc.

He does have anxiety and has been on medication for it for years, I might suggest to him that he goes to the GP for another review (when he's calmed down, he's still in an awful temper this morning).

One example I remember is for my 10th birthday I wanted to go to see The Lion King in London. My Mum asked my Dad if he wanted to go before she brought tickets and he said no, so she brought tickets for me, her and my sister to go. In the morning as he was dropping off at the train station he had some kind of meltdown and started crying, saying it wasn't fair and he wanted to go. My Mum said he could take her place, but he said no, then said yes, then no, etc. We nearly missed our train, I remember crying saying he could take my ticket and I'd stay with my Grandma

That’s just awful. The theatre incident is NOT just anxiety. People with quite severe anxiety, depression etc. manage not to do things like that to their young child.

I do hope you have your holiday. Staying home won’t make him happy or prevent him having more tantrums.

Nobody on here can diagnose an issue. This could be his character or a MH issue. Regardless of what’s going on you can’t make him change. Go on holiday. Reduce contact if you need to.

I’m genuinely curious to try to understand why people stay with men like this? Can someone explain the rationale to me?

I can see why in the old days when women were all financially dependent on men they were stuck with it but in this day and age what does a manipulative miseryguts who hates his wife and children having fun bring to a marriage? What is the point of them?