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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you knowingly marry an asexual man

129 replies

glamourpusses · 09/05/2023 14:42

If you were a sexual being as a woman ?
Would you be happy with hugs and kisses but know he has a repulsed by womens bits .
Even if you love him??
Has anyone had this ?
Where he pretended for a while until he couldn't anymore and she had tried everything to get him to show interest in her sexually.
Could it last?
No babies planned as he doesn't want any and
Doesn't want sex .
Opinions or experience please ?

OP posts:
LostAtTheCrossRoad · 09/05/2023 16:31

Depends. Is he willing to allow you to have an open marriage, to have a sexual relationship with someone else if you wanted to? I would happily marry an affectionate, respectful, funny, but asexual man who i shared interested and beliefs with, I am very much that way myself. But you clearly are not. And you need to decide whether you can look past his lies and deception.

DivorcingEU · 09/05/2023 16:33

I married one unknowingly. He only started to show his true colours after marriage though. If I'd had any clue, I wouldn't have. In hind sight, I wouldn't have. I would never recommend it.

The equivalent question is: "Would you as a heterosexual woman marry a gay man and hope love could over come it?"

It's exactly the same as that. And it's in bold because it's so important.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/05/2023 16:34

Not a chance. DP has a much lower libido than me and that's hard enough. There's no way I'd be interested in continuing a relationship with no sex at all.

I've been with DP now for 15 years and I'd end the relationship without hesitation if sex was completely off the table, unless we could come to agreement about an open relationship.

Catastrophejane · 09/05/2023 16:34

That’s a friend.

TheCatterall · 09/05/2023 16:34

Depends on ‘her’ love language. Mine is physical connection but sexual and non sexual and emotional.

not a chance I could cope in an asexual relationship.

zen1 · 09/05/2023 16:36

The repulsion and the fact that he hadn’t been upfront in the first place would be a dealbreaker.

Catastrophejane · 09/05/2023 16:37

glamourpusses · 09/05/2023 14:47

I'm asking if Love can conquer all and female has spent 4 years of her life with him and his life has become her life . Very close to
Family and friends etc.

Meant to quote this!

that is a close friend you are describing - not a husband.

it’s platonic love. I can see why someone would put up with it if they had kids together, but there’s no chance I’d settle for this half life. Better off alone.

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/05/2023 16:38

Absolutely not.

hattie43 · 09/05/2023 16:39

It would only work if you both want the same .

sladys · 09/05/2023 16:41

Interesting question.....

I'm only a year into a relationship and trying to figure out if my DP is asexual or has a very low sex drive.

If you take sex out the equation it's the best relationship of my life (even better than my 15 year marriage). If you'd asked me before I met him, I'd have said I wouldn't even contemplate a relationship with very little sex. Now that I'm in it and madly in love, it definitely doesn't feel like friendship/flatmates.

The part about being repulsed by me would be a deal breaker but the part about not wanting (much) sex, im toying with

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/05/2023 16:42

Actually the more I think of it the more I realise how integral sex is to my idea of a good relationship. I love my DP so much, and intertwined with that is sheer animal desire. Having sex with him is part of how we show our love and it adds an element of knowledge I don't think I could be without. I have been with partners I haven't wanted to have sex with and that was indicative of the fact we were all wrong.
BUT

Everyone is different. There will be people out there to who my version of a wonderful relationship is pure hell. It's a very personal question that only you can answer.

Butchyrestingface · 09/05/2023 16:42

BlastedPimples · 09/05/2023 14:51

No because of the revulsion bit.

Asexual doesn't have to include revulsion.

It would make me feel disgusting. And I don't want to feel that way.

Asexual as in not interested in sex I could handle because I'm not either.

That's what I was thinking. Since when does asexual = revulsion ? Confused

Anyway, in answer to the question, yes, I'd be absolutely fine living with an asexual partner.

But that's different to someone being actively repelled by women. No, I wouldn't be up for that.

FrenchandSaunders · 09/05/2023 16:43

In my teens, 20s, 30s and most of my 40s absolutely not.

However now mid 50s and dead from the waist down it wouldn’t bother me. Quite a relief in fact.

RunThroughTheJungle · 09/05/2023 16:48

No. Husband's ED destroyed our marriage.

SinglePonders · 09/05/2023 16:56

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 09/05/2023 15:33

@SinglePonders This isn't a dating site. You sound desperate

Was the rudeness really necessary?

Original poster
glamourpusses · 09/05/2023 16:56

It's a tough call.
He's explained that he feels attraction but the bits make him 🤮 I've tried to seduce him many times . He said it's not me but him.
He is loving and funny and loves cuddles.
We have a lovely comfortable life together . He is very in touch with his emotions and demonstrative with everyone not just me.
I would lose a lot if I walked away and I've been in quite abusive relationships before.

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 09/05/2023 17:00

No. I wouldn't want a lifetime with someone who was revolted by the thought of a physically intimate relationship.

ididntwanttodoit · 09/05/2023 17:01

It's entirely up to you. You can get yourself a vibrator. You can have a baby by artificial insemination. Only you know how much this man means to you. Everybody's marriage is different.

W0tnow · 09/05/2023 17:01

No. The revulsion hints at a deeply rooted psychological issue, and honestly, I couldn’t be arsed.

SinglePonders · 09/05/2023 17:02

Was this thread created just to get some aphobia / shaming people who don’t want or can’t have sex, going on?

imnotsadyouresad · 09/05/2023 17:03

I could be with an asexual man if he definitely was asexual and not gay, and if he was disinterested in sex rather than repulsed by all women.

You get a certain age, and kindness and affection are more meaningful than sex.

Original poster
glamourpusses · 09/05/2023 17:07

Tbf he has tried but it's not for him . I don't think it's me personally. I think it's the sexual act.

OP posts:
Silvergoldandglitter · 09/05/2023 17:08

Absolutely no way. Sex is a huge part of my life.

Original poster
glamourpusses · 09/05/2023 17:12

What deep rooted psychological issues would cause revulsion ?

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 09/05/2023 17:18

Yes but I wasn't referring to that, I was referring to the housemates comment.

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