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Original poster

To be worried that my DD won't talk about getting her period

97 replies

nidgey · 09/05/2023 11:41

CA: may be TMI for some
My DD (14) has generally been a really well-grounded, independent-minded girl. We are very close and until recently were able to talk about most things - who she had a crush on, how her friendships were going etc. I told her to come and chat if she got her period, what to expect, made sure she had a little pack of pads in her schoolbag at all times and some period knickers in her drawer at home. I brought her to the GP to get generally checked out earlier this year as she's never sick and so she hadn't seen a doctor since she was 6, and partly because she hadn't started her periods yet.

From the evidence in the laundry, it's clear she got her period last month but when I asked her she became very evasive and said she hadn't noticed. I told her it was ok not to feel like talking about it much but I wanted to make sure she had everything she needed so to let me know next time.

Next time has arrived and I've found stained underwear in her room as well as a tampon (one of mine so super-plus) with blood on one end. I bought her more period knickers and pads and put them in a special bag in her room and asked how she was doing but she just won't say, although she had tears in her eyes. I mentioned the tampon and said if she wanted to use them I'd get her some in a suitable size but she just rolled her eyes and left the room.

Alongside that she's been generally distant/pulling away from me, moody and grumpy in a way she's never been before, often giving one-word answers rather than proper conversations etc.

I understand puberty changes things but - is there anything I can do so if she needs to she can come to me and ask questions? My own feelings aren't the issue I know but I definitely have a sense of loss about this new distance between us while wanting to respect her privacy. Any tips from anyone who has been through this? And should I be worried or is this just the way it goes?

OP posts:
Napoleonsjosephine · 09/05/2023 11:47

If she wants to talk she will. Many girls can’t use tampons first off .

My daughter did the opposite, she literally burst into tears and wailed it was utterly grim and couldn’t believe this would happen to her every month for the next 40 years. Even though she was completely prepared and knew. I was a little dumb founded. Just let her be and let her know if she wants to talk you are there.

GeraltsBathtub · 09/05/2023 11:47

Just leave some pads and tampons in the bathroom and leave her to it - can you buy a selection of different types so she can try them without needing to come to you for now? She probably needs to come to terms with it on her own without embarrassing questions from her mum.

Napoleonsjosephine · 09/05/2023 11:48

And yes the tampons she’s not been able to use, she might also struggle with small , just leave some small for her, with applicator, and don’t comment further, but lots of pads, with wings.

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2023 11:51

Give her some sanitary protection and let her get on with it she is fine she just doesn't want to chat about it, you can obviously say that she needs to use something to protect her clothes/sheets and ask If she is OK in pain or whatever and carry on as normal.

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2023 11:52

1 of my Dds never really spoke about it.

Catspyjamas17 · 09/05/2023 11:57

I would just provide the STs etc and not mention it. I can remember not being able to tell my mum when I was 11 and she is and was a kind mum. I talk about my period sometimes with DDs and then they open up about it. I do remember DD1 not being able to find the words to say she needed more deodorant one time when she was in her early teens and I've always been open with them and it would never be an issue. Everything feels so embarrassing at that age!

mc33 · 09/05/2023 11:57

She may come round and be a little more open eventually?
I was the same. I started aged 11, and I went through 3 or 4 without mentioning it to my mum. I knew exactly what it was because of lessons at school, but I was too embarrassed to say anything, and it was a lot to take in. She found out one morning after dragging my duvet off me and I'd bled through in the night.
I don't remember when I became more OK and open with it, but I did in my own time.

Spidey66 · 09/05/2023 11:58

I was like your daughter when I started, with the exception being I was only 11 and it was 40+ years ago. Periods weren't talked about so much back then and I was so embarrassed.

I think you're on the right road....I imagine with time she'll get over her embarrassment and open up. xxx

SparklyLeprechaun · 09/05/2023 11:58

If everything is fine, what is there to talk about? DD asks me when she needs more pads, otherwise she just gets on with it.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 09/05/2023 11:58

If she isn't comfortable talking to you about it, that is fine. Make sure she knows about toxic shock syndrome and the symptoms of it for tampon use. Also, make sure she knows to let you or the GP know if her periods stop for no obvious reason, are very heavy, or if they are painful as some quite serious health conditions can cause this.

Chocolate376 · 09/05/2023 12:00

I was like your DD. I don't know why as my mum had always been open. I just didn't want to talk about it. I used to buy most of my own protection with my allowance; she used herself / provided STs but I got given a box of tampons at school and found that I preferred them.

GeraltsBathtub · 09/05/2023 12:02

SparklyLeprechaun · 09/05/2023 11:58

If everything is fine, what is there to talk about? DD asks me when she needs more pads, otherwise she just gets on with it.

This is how I felt too. I never saw any need to discuss with my mum or anyone else, not everyone does!

Original poster
nidgey · 09/05/2023 12:02

DemonicCaveMaggot · 09/05/2023 11:58

If she isn't comfortable talking to you about it, that is fine. Make sure she knows about toxic shock syndrome and the symptoms of it for tampon use. Also, make sure she knows to let you or the GP know if her periods stop for no obvious reason, are very heavy, or if they are painful as some quite serious health conditions can cause this.

Ok yes, thanks - that's helpful. I forgot about TSS. I tried to tell her about PMS and why she might be feeling a bit grumpy but she didn't really want to know. My mum never ever mentioned periods to me and I was left to get on with it. I often didn't have money for pads/tampons and had to improvise or nick my sister's. The only time I shoplifted was at 12 for some bodyform! So I want my DD to be better equipped than me.

OP posts:
OMalleysAlley · 09/05/2023 12:02

Why does she need to discuss it?

Just buy some small applicator tampons and lots of different pads and leave them in her room. Don't force her into conversations about it if she doesn't want them.

I used to hate my mum trying to talk to me about periods.

Muddydogpawprints · 09/05/2023 12:06

She doesn't need to discuss her period with you. Just keep plenty of supplies in and let her carry on. I'm sure she knows she can talk to you, she just doesn't want to.

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2023 12:08

nidgey · 09/05/2023 12:02

Ok yes, thanks - that's helpful. I forgot about TSS. I tried to tell her about PMS and why she might be feeling a bit grumpy but she didn't really want to know. My mum never ever mentioned periods to me and I was left to get on with it. I often didn't have money for pads/tampons and had to improvise or nick my sister's. The only time I shoplifted was at 12 for some bodyform! So I want my DD to be better equipped than me.

Show quote history

Oh no that's awful my mum was a bit the same and I was embarrassed . Just talk at her tell her stuff she will take on board what she needs/wants and try and not push it .

AtomicBlondeRose · 09/05/2023 12:08

Also, I'm not sure how it is in schools, but at my college and other ones I have visited there are huge amounts of free pads and tampons available without asking, so no worries that she would end up going without because she didn't want to mention it.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/05/2023 12:09

I think you are doing everything right OP.

I would keep gently raising it with her. It sounds like it's been a big shock to her. She's obviously not ready to talk yet, and that's ok too.

However, she needs to understand how best to manage herself & personal hygiene so advising re what to re her soiled underwear, practical advice re disposing of ST / tampons is necessary.

Otherwise just keep chatting with a light touch & it will probably resolve in a while.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 09/05/2023 12:13

Make sure that she has some black knickers available too (M and S period knickers are fab)

RowenaRosewood · 09/05/2023 12:20

God I remember being like this when I first started it was mortifying (don't know why) I would not talk to anyone about it. She will be listening though so definitely mention toxic shock.
As others have said leave her some period pants and various pads etc and then leave her to it.
I did get better at talking about things prob late teens when the pressure had eased off a bit.

Reallyareyousure · 09/05/2023 12:47

Leave her alone FFS. It took me months to tell my mum and I coped just fine in between. It's her business and nobody elses.

Redissuereader · 09/05/2023 12:53

As gently as possible, are you sure that it is period blood? Could she maybe have had/be having intercourse? I may be way off the mark but if you have usually had open and frank discussions about female bodies and their functions then maybe its that she doesn't want to talk about this? If it is just periods then you are doing the right thing, she will talk to you if she wants to, at some point.

Waveyhouse · 09/05/2023 13:00

You’ve done the right thing buying her the pads/smaller tampons and leaving them for her. I would just keep doing that.
If she wants to talk about it, she will in time. It sounds like you have a good relationship.
I’ve always had a good relationship with my mum, but I never told her when I started my period. We just didn’t talk about things like that & she never mentioned anything. I wish I had just told her, as I often went without pads & used to have to buy them myself with money from my weekend job.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/05/2023 13:02

Reallyareyousure · 09/05/2023 12:47

Leave her alone FFS. It took me months to tell my mum and I coped just fine in between. It's her business and nobody elses.

Why 'FFS'?

OP has a close relationship with her DD. Her DD is also not doing fine, and has been upset. OP us understandably concerned.

She is being a good mum

EarringsandLipstick · 09/05/2023 13:02

Redissuereader · 09/05/2023 12:53

As gently as possible, are you sure that it is period blood? Could she maybe have had/be having intercourse? I may be way off the mark but if you have usually had open and frank discussions about female bodies and their functions then maybe its that she doesn't want to talk about this? If it is just periods then you are doing the right thing, she will talk to you if she wants to, at some point.

Well, that's a wild leap....