To be worried that my DD won't talk about getting her period

[nidgey]

CA: may be TMI for some
My DD (14) has generally been a really well-grounded, independent-minded girl. We are very close and until recently were able to talk about most things - who she had a crush on, how her friendships were going etc. I told her to come and chat if she got her period, what to expect, made sure she had a little pack of pads in her schoolbag at all times and some period knickers in her drawer at home. I brought her to the GP to get generally checked out earlier this year as she's never sick and so she hadn't seen a doctor since she was 6, and partly because she hadn't started her periods yet.

From the evidence in the laundry, it's clear she got her period last month but when I asked her she became very evasive and said she hadn't noticed. I told her it was ok not to feel like talking about it much but I wanted to make sure she had everything she needed so to let me know next time.

Next time has arrived and I've found stained underwear in her room as well as a tampon (one of mine so super-plus) with blood on one end. I bought her more period knickers and pads and put them in a special bag in her room and asked how she was doing but she just won't say, although she had tears in her eyes. I mentioned the tampon and said if she wanted to use them I'd get her some in a suitable size but she just rolled her eyes and left the room.

Alongside that she's been generally distant/pulling away from me, moody and grumpy in a way she's never been before, often giving one-word answers rather than proper conversations etc.

I understand puberty changes things but - is there anything I can do so if she needs to she can come to me and ask questions? My own feelings aren't the issue I know but I definitely have a sense of loss about this new distance between us while wanting to respect her privacy. Any tips from anyone who has been through this? And should I be worried or is this just the way it goes?

Yes, I'm pretty sure. I found used pads that she had hidden. I really don't think she's sexually active (for lots of reasons, not least opportunity/time).

You have done all you can - it is over to her now. I had 3 DDs at this stage and they were happy to jabber on about it - and they had each other of course; but all girls are different.

I demonstrated the use of a tampon on a large teddy bear - for ever after known as the Tampax Teddy!

She is probably getting quite a bit of support from her mates, as this is where teenagers turn rather than family for all sorts of things.

Just keep supplying the goods - take note of which are used and which left so that you can supply what she prefers.

I know but if you have a child who is usually talking to you about everything and then stops, it can make you ask questions, and I stated in my original post that I might be way off the mark, but sexually active 14 year olds are not unheard of. I imagine this isn't the case but I'd prefer my daughter was safe in every way, from using sanitary wear correctly, to also using contraception correctly. And if you can encourage judgement free conversation at this stage then the next one follows on.

Oh that's a bit harsh, I think it's ok for me to be concerned as she seems upset and not very adept at some aspects of all this.

You could point her to the Bloody Honest blog as gives really accessible and frank advice which she might find easier to cope with

Its her second period, she's clearly a bit uptight about it. It would be very normal for her to feel a bit under the weather, anxious about tampon failure, etc.

Just wait until her period is OVER before any more conversations /advice.

In a week you might say something like " I make a little private mark on the calendar to remind me when my last period began . Nobody else knows what it means. Then I know roughly when to expect the next one.. though young women may take a while to settle into a regular rhythm. "

Thanks, yes - I said after her first one that it can be handy to mark her calendar so she can see if there's a pattern but she denied even knowing that she had had her period so it was a bit of a strange conversation!

I was exactly the same and I don't know why I just didn't want to talk about it with my mum and she was perfectly reasonable

Maybe get her some period pants to try if that works for her

I don't remember ever speaking with my mum about periods ...except requesting always pads (which were new and expensive in the 1990s). Our family were pretty private about stuff like that.

My DD (16) is quite open about it (to all the family) and the code that she is on her period, is that she will tell us she's "on the brink of death". She is a bit of a princess about it and excuses herself from all manner of things because of it but I feel pleased she can be upfront about it.
She wasn't always like it though and I think at first it feels embarrassing and awkward (of course theres no obligation for anyone to discuss theur periods)
Maybe leave a note or send her a message saying to let you know if needs anything practical (sheets/clothes need washing, more San pro, pain killers etc) or that you're happy to answer any questions but don't want her to feel awkward if she doesn't want to discuss with you.

Ignore the obvious denial. Give her the info and supplies she needs and leave her to it.
I would put a lidded bin in her room plus another in the bathroom and tell her used pads and tampons need to go in there because they can smell bad of left out too long.
Get her a selection of tampons, pads and maybe period underwear and ask her to tell you which ones she likes and would like more of. If she tells you nothing just check which box is more empty in a month.
Remind her how often tampons should be changed and that you should use the least lowest absorbency that works for you because TSS.
Then leave her be unless you notice anything worrying.

I think you've made it clear you're around if she wants to talk so you can leave it for now.

My whole family have always been open about this stuff but I remember not telling my mum for a few months because I was sure she would tell my dad and I was too embarrassed, I didn't want him to know.

Kids her age get upset at things that seem a bit odd / trivial to us but I expect she'll open up when she's ready.
As PP said, make sure different types of STs are available for her try, and maybe look for a book you could leave for her, one that includes info about the effects of hormone changes etc.

It really really was a jump !

My mum also kept badgering me to tell her when I got my period but I never did tell her. I didn’t want to talk to her about it and I could easily buy myself tampons and liners.

You’re doing everything right OP 😊

I have older sisters and my mum was very open but I didn’t want to tell anyone/talk about it initially either. My personality is I generally don’t like attention on me, for good bad or otherwise reasons so I just swerved that convo as had access to what I needed and knew what was going on etc. This is decades ago now but I was embarrassed by everything then and very self conscious.

Is she neurodiverse? Its well known girls who are neurodiverse can have issues with periods.

Thanks, but no I don't think so. Her brother is autistic and while I know it presents differently with girls, I've done some training and studying about ND profiles and I really don't think she is.

When she was very very little she was madly independent (constant refrain was 'I do it myself') and while that all calmed down from the age of 4 or 5 some of the ways she's acting now is a bit like that toddler personality coming through again!

Awwww bless her, shell be fine. Just leave her a box of stuff in the toilet, maybe a bucket with stain remover spray and tell her to sling in any dirty pants.

I don’t have a daughter but I am a daughter and I didn’t want to discuss it either. Just leave the stuff she needs available to her.

I was incredibly uptight about periods, my mum did everything she could have done But I just was not up for discussing it at all and really did not cope well at all. Didn't want to use the family bathroom bin or laundry basket because then people would 'know' so tried to hand wash and store ST to dispose of at school. Didn't want to ask my mum for more ST so improvised despite the fact she would have happily bought them for me. I think it was worse because my mum had had a hysterectomy so I was the only one that had them and living with my dad and 2 brothers didn't help, not that they did anything merely just their presence.

Ironically I became a science teacher and happily taught sex Ed and menstruation and often supported the ND girls 1:1 who were struggling with them.

Turns out my DD has ASD so there is the possibility that I am too which would explain things or maybe I was just uptight. It's just DD and myself and generally periods are announced in the most overly dramatic version of "I'm bleeeeeeding!" a la the Witch from Wizard of Oz.

My advice to you:
Don't talk to her about it.
Keep supplies of all sorts of products for her and keep her stocked up without discussing it.
Laundry basket in her own room and suggest she's old enough to wash her own laundry now and show her how.
Swing lid bin in her bedroom with dark bin bag if you can so you can't see the contents.
Buy the family new towels and make sure hers are dark.

You took her to the GP because her periods hadn’t started at 14?

possibly she’s mortified and doesn’t want to talk about it - she may feel if she complains you will take her again to see what’s “wrong”?

Buy lots, and I mean lots of different products. Applicator, non applicator, different brands, pads, everything. Leave it in the bathroom or her bedroom, keep it topped up.

It's obviously something she may not want to face. That she is growing up.
The future is a scary place.
It's not the period itself, it's what it represents to her that is the issue.
This you see the regression to an earlier age. And the denial.

It's scary territory and it seems like when she encounters scary territory she shuts down.
Likewise with emotions. It's very normal for teens. Like other poster said, discuss it after the period.

Also, stay with her after the eye roll. Just sit on the bed or stand there or whatever.
And just wait with her. She might start to cry and then talk. Don't rush out of the room to avoid the uncomfortable feelings or to save her from the feelings. Show her that you can cope and that you are not 'leaving her to it'.

Even if her behavior is pushing you away, she may not really want that but can't help it.

I took her to the GP as she hadn't been to one for eight years and although seemingly healthy I thought it worth her having a full check-up. One aspect of enquiry (not even huge concern) that I mentioned to the doctor was her height (she's very small for her age), and that she hadn't started her periods. It wasn't a huge worry, but I mentioned it in tandem with her height in case there was something up.

I remember being embarrassed and not wanting to talk much about it, but I definitely wanted/needed access to supplies. I'd make them available to her (pads, period underwear, whatever you think she might want to try). It sounds like she knows you're available, but you could include a brief note to that effect ('I'm always here to answer any questions you have! There's no such thing as a stupid question, and I want to help however I can.'), and then leave it at that.

I didn't tell my mum. Not really out of embarrassment, I just didn't feel it was necessary. I knew what to do.

Give her some pads of different absorbencies/sizes/with wings and a small pack of tampons and some cheap nappy sacks to put them in when she's done so she can pop them in bin. She'll be fine OP, she may talk to you soon. It's overwhelming those first few months x