To be worried that my DD won't talk about getting her period

[nidgey]

CA: may be TMI for some
My DD (14) has generally been a really well-grounded, independent-minded girl. We are very close and until recently were able to talk about most things - who she had a crush on, how her friendships were going etc. I told her to come and chat if she got her period, what to expect, made sure she had a little pack of pads in her schoolbag at all times and some period knickers in her drawer at home. I brought her to the GP to get generally checked out earlier this year as she's never sick and so she hadn't seen a doctor since she was 6, and partly because she hadn't started her periods yet.

From the evidence in the laundry, it's clear she got her period last month but when I asked her she became very evasive and said she hadn't noticed. I told her it was ok not to feel like talking about it much but I wanted to make sure she had everything she needed so to let me know next time.

Next time has arrived and I've found stained underwear in her room as well as a tampon (one of mine so super-plus) with blood on one end. I bought her more period knickers and pads and put them in a special bag in her room and asked how she was doing but she just won't say, although she had tears in her eyes. I mentioned the tampon and said if she wanted to use them I'd get her some in a suitable size but she just rolled her eyes and left the room.

Alongside that she's been generally distant/pulling away from me, moody and grumpy in a way she's never been before, often giving one-word answers rather than proper conversations etc.

I understand puberty changes things but - is there anything I can do so if she needs to she can come to me and ask questions? My own feelings aren't the issue I know but I definitely have a sense of loss about this new distance between us while wanting to respect her privacy. Any tips from anyone who has been through this? And should I be worried or is this just the way it goes?

@nidgey
Please don't push it. Make sure she has a selection of towels and tampons so she can experiment. And a factual book just in case she needs more info. I do think you might be a bit over involved (I know you're doing it for the right reasons!). I'm not sure why you took her to the doctor, for example....

My Mum really wanted to talk about it but I thought it was totally cringe. I told her the first time and don't think I mentioned it again. I had a book about periods and just wanted to be left alone to read it!

Has it occurred to you that perhaps she just doesn't want to talk about it? As important as these discussions are to prepare them for the changes to their body, it's also important to recognise when they just don't want to talk about it. Leave supplies out and let her work things out for herself. She'll come to you herself if she needs to.

My daughter started at 10 so is quite open about it and isn't embarrassed to talk about it ans tells me when she needs things but I'm not so sure she would be as open at 14. You are doing the right thing. Just keep buying her the things she needs she will probably talk to friends if she has any questions

My daughter doesn't like to talk about it so we don't.

She texts me something along the lines of 'i need those things I don't like to talk about ' and I supply them and leave them in her room.

She is autistic though.

My Mum insisted on viewing my used pads to make sure it was all normal - embarrassing or what!!

Maybe I am a bit over-involved, I think us all being together so much during COVID is a factor. As I said, the main reason for bringing her to the doctor was because she hadn't been to one for 8 years so I thought it worth her having a full check-up, and an aspect of what I asked the doctor about was whether there was any concern/link between her size (she's very small for her age) and not starting her periods.

My Daughter tracks her periods on an app called Flo. It also has a lot of helpful info on there.
I would leave her to come to you to talk when she wants to. Make sure she has practically what she needs and knows how to dispose of used pads etc.
don’t comment on it as she will keep hiding things.

You sound like a lovely mum. My DD started her periods age 14 and likes period pants, she was open with me but was very clear her brother and Dad weren’t to know. Absolutely fine. Fast forward a year and she is now much more relaxed and will say can I have the footstool as I have my period or whatever in front of her brother and Dad. Try not to worry, it’s early days. As others say just give her space and keep a range of products for her use.

My mum was a sweetheart and we were very close when I was growing up, but for some reason I hid my periods from her at first. Poor woman found bloody pjs stuffed under my bed. I have no idea why I kept it from her, embarrassed I guess?

Remember she will have googled it thoroughly, she is not going to be confused about why she's feeling moody or whatever.

The larger Boots/Superdrug stores have 'Lite' tampax, they are purple (as opposed to Regular being yellow). Bodyform microliners (they come in a mini box or plastic thing) are also good for leaks/very light flows. (I am a very small woman with light flow... I'm sure body size doesn't correlate to flow, but obviously safety and comfort call for the lowest absorbencies comfortable).

I'd buy a selection, see what gets used for a bit, then keep buying that. You do sound lovely and caring though.

My dd was the same. Very small but was nearly 16 when she started. It’s normal. Rapid growth spurt 16-18.

she’d have been absolutely mortified to have been taken to the dr’s.

did you ask her if she wanted to go and discuss it? Give her a chance to talk to a nurse or dr on her own? Or was it you and the dr discussing it with her present?

I remember my mum from about age 11 telling me I was moody “because it might be your period”, I couldn’t mention a stomach ache without it “might be your period”. I wasn’t stupid and knew fine well it wasn’t, I didn’t start with body hair until around 13 so I knew I’d be nearer 15. Really pissed me off that every tiny thing was always attributed to my “period”, instead of my actual concerns being taken seriously.

so I hid it as much as possible 🤷‍♀️

@ArtemisDance @lollh and others, thanks so much for your kind words. You've made me a bit teary. It's tough watching a super smiley, affectionate, free-spirited girl become more withdrawn, confused and grumpy. I know everyone goes through it and she needs to learn to sort herself out, but it's tough to watch. Ah well, that's life, and hopefully she'll come to terms with it and breeze on through with time.

I would buy the smaller tampons and leave her alone.
If you want to pass on some info like TSS text her. There's less embarrassment that way because you're not in the room and she might find it easier to ask questions that way.

My DD wasn't mortified - she found it amusing that she hadn't seen a doctor since she was 6, and I said why don't we arrange a check-up, I didn't present it to her as linked to her periods not starting. She herself was a bit worried about her height as she's substantially shorter than everyone in her year. I talked to the doctor on the phone first, and let her talk to the doctor on her own in case there was anything she was too embarrassed about.

I don't really think that's over-involved. Every family dynamic is different so maybe it would be with someone else's family.

I'd just leave a selection of pads / period pants out for her. My dd is the same, never told me, but the evidence was obvious. She doesn't seem particularly bothered about it. Just chooses not to talk about it.

Has Turners Syndrome ever been considered? She's shorter than her peers , delayed periods etc. Might be worth reading into the mosaic form of Turners.

Getting your period at 14 is not a delayed period, it’s perfectly within the range of normal as I’m sure the GP will have told her.

True but 15 would be considered delayed so if she's an old 14 then it was heading that way. Her mother was clearly worried to take her to the GP.

Leave her alone. My mother treated my periods like some sort of spectator sport and it was mortifying.

I don't think I ever wanted to talk to my mum, she did buy a range of products thought. Partly embarrassment but partly as I don't think there was much to discuss! She will definitely get info from her friends and online. I wouldn't worry too much

Mine too, she told all her friends when I had my first period. I never confided in her at all after that.
With my dd I made sure there was a ready supply of pads etc, she knew where they were, checked she had painkillers to hand etc.

Please don't take it personally OP! I was the same as your DD, except my mum didn't know for a year and she only found out because the loo didn't flush properly one day. I'm very open with her now but I just hated talking about periods for the first few years. Just make sure she has plenty of supplies and take a peek every so often when she is at school to see which ones she is using so you know what to get her. A big problem for me was disposing of them so maybe just put a lidded bin in her room with a dark liner and some nappy bags.

There isn't a huge amount you can do, if she doesn't want to talk about it, other than offer her every opportunity to tell you what she wants/needs. Give her a basket with a variety of options as well as some disposal bags and, if you haven't already, put a bin in the bathroom or her bedroom, so she can dispose of them discretely.

Then just check the basket every month and top up with anything that looks like it's been used.

I remember starting my period and telling my Mum - she was so excited - no idea why! She was very open with me and had given me an in depth talk about what to expect, but I don't remember ever talking to her about it again. The pads I used were just always available when I needed them.

Just leave plenty of supplies in bathroom and her bedroom then let her get on with it herself. If she wants to talk, she will, if not, then that's fine. I'd have cringed myself near to death if my mum had insisted on trying to "chat" to me about this. Thankfully she knew better than to. Third time raising a teenage daughter here; they knew/know where I am if they wish to talk.

OP you're getting a bit of a hard time from some quarters but I think it's worth remembering what can happen if you can't talk to your parents about this. My mum was at the opposite end of the spectrum and literally never mentioned periods to me or my sister.

I had to do all my own research, I had to buy my own sanitary protection and when I suffered from acute period pain she literally blanked me and changed the subject. I was incredibly painful and I never really forgave her. It was worse for my sister who was learning she was gay and suffered horrendous body dysmorphia issues. She didn't have or use any sanitary protection for years.

So yes you may make your DD cringe sometimes but much better that you have a couple of uncomfortable conversations and she knows she can come to you than that she is made to feel ashamed and dirty for having natural biological functions. I think you're managing it fine, it's very normal for girls of that age to be cringed out by it. Just keep doing what you're doing and relax.