To be worried that my DD won't talk about getting her period

[nidgey]

CA: may be TMI for some
My DD (14) has generally been a really well-grounded, independent-minded girl. We are very close and until recently were able to talk about most things - who she had a crush on, how her friendships were going etc. I told her to come and chat if she got her period, what to expect, made sure she had a little pack of pads in her schoolbag at all times and some period knickers in her drawer at home. I brought her to the GP to get generally checked out earlier this year as she's never sick and so she hadn't seen a doctor since she was 6, and partly because she hadn't started her periods yet.

From the evidence in the laundry, it's clear she got her period last month but when I asked her she became very evasive and said she hadn't noticed. I told her it was ok not to feel like talking about it much but I wanted to make sure she had everything she needed so to let me know next time.

Next time has arrived and I've found stained underwear in her room as well as a tampon (one of mine so super-plus) with blood on one end. I bought her more period knickers and pads and put them in a special bag in her room and asked how she was doing but she just won't say, although she had tears in her eyes. I mentioned the tampon and said if she wanted to use them I'd get her some in a suitable size but she just rolled her eyes and left the room.

Alongside that she's been generally distant/pulling away from me, moody and grumpy in a way she's never been before, often giving one-word answers rather than proper conversations etc.

I understand puberty changes things but - is there anything I can do so if she needs to she can come to me and ask questions? My own feelings aren't the issue I know but I definitely have a sense of loss about this new distance between us while wanting to respect her privacy. Any tips from anyone who has been through this? And should I be worried or is this just the way it goes?

I've just remembered that one of the things I hated when I first started was worrying about it being noticeable ie bulky pad showing etc. If you are trying to talk to her about it when she has her period then you are basically telling her that you have noticed and therefore it is noticeable. I just wanted things to continue to be as normal as possible.

I’m in my 30s now and I remember the early days of periods well. I wouldn’t have enjoyed being expected to talk about them, all I wanted was to be given the money or products I needed and be left to get on with it. I would really, really have hated discussions about it.

You’ve done all the right things so far but I really would leave it now. She’s got what she needs and doesn’t need to chat about it. Let her adapt to her changing body and moods quietly and on her own terms. She will come back to you 💛

Ok thanks - and I'm so sorry, especially for your sister. Nobody even explained to me what periods were other than my (male) cousin when I was 10! This was pre-internet, and I had to figure it out myself - I had very little clue what to do other than put loo roll in my knickers and hope for the best. My mum would occasionally buy pads and leave them in the kitchen - but not often enough - and it was very very stressful. The whole thing was shrouded in secrecy and shame.

After reading everyone's posts today I addressed it again with DD - just said very matter of factly that I'd bought her more period pants and pads and they were in her drawer. I've given her her own laundry bag, and told her where to put her used pads. I also said I don't want to force her to have to talk about anything but I do want her to feel organised, well supplied and able to deal with it herself if she wants. And that if she wants I can talk her through anything she wants to talk about. So that's it for now I think. I'll get her some tampons tomorrow.

I would say that she does need to discuss it if she is taking super plus tampons and trying to use them. Tampons that are too absorbent increase the risk of toxic shock syndrome. I guess you could hide your super plus.

I would also say that tampons are not suitable unless she has the maturity to discuss the possible pitfalls, such as leaving them in too long/forgetting about them etc.

If she wants privacy, she must be able to ensure safety and hygiene.

I am very old but I can remember telling my Mum that thought I had started having my period. She was great and gave me STs and some weird kind of belt 😳
My daughter only spoke about it after I found her knickers with blood on . I just got her STs ,stocked up every month and cannot remember ever actually talking about it again 🤷‍♀️

I never spoke to my mum, I sort of wanted to but at the end of the day it's not that complicated. Everyone has periods differently, everyone goes on about it A LOT so there's probably nothing she doesn't know in terms of practicalities so you're advice although well meaning might not work so well. I can relate to how she wants to take time to get used to it and decide what products are right for her. Teenage years are really tough, but if it helps I hardly spoke to my mum for what felt like years and now we're incredibly close and spend a lot of time together, holidays and all sorts, although still never had a chat about periods! Good luck, I think this is a sign you've done a great job. Ps the hardest bit is maybe a few months in when all the free products run out, so make sure there's always an accessible stash because it's not fun buying them as a teen.

@nidgey you're not living in an American teen drama. Your DD doesn't want to or have to talk to you about her periods and you shouldn't ask. It's weird and intrusive.

I'm 50 now and started my periods aged around 13. I was totally horrified and embarrassed in front of my mum. I knew what they were and what to expect. But i never once spoke to my mum about it, ever. She never brought me pads as I never asked her to. I used to feel like I was dying some nights from the pains.

You've given her the stuff and made clear you can be asked about any worries but please now give her a bit of space and privacy.

My mum was very controlling (I'm not saying you are) and wanted me to report every detail which I definitely did NOT want to do. She would get annoyed that I wanted to keep those things private and would "punish" me by not replacing sanitary towels until I asked for them so I would have to "check in". I used to get free ones at school (deputy headmistress had a stash in her office, take what you needed, no questions asked) or use wodges of toilet paper. I thought maybe she was a bit forgetful but then I heard her moaning to her friend that I'd rather use toilet roll than ask her for STs and I thought "oh my god, you KNOW I need than but you want to make me beg!"

sorry I'm projecting a bit! But she sounds like she really wants some privacy so back off a bit and keep up the supplies subtly!

My DD is very private about a lot of things but happy to discuss periods with me, let me know what she needs etc. I have found it very refreshing that she and her friends are quite open about it too, definitely better than all the secrecy that went on when I was at school.

So I’m a bit surprised how many people are saying it’s normal to be so embarrassed that you can’t talk to your mum with whom you have an otherwise good relationship. I don’t think we should be normalising that it’s all cringey and disgusting and shouldn’t be talked about, should we? I guess I’ll chalk it up to yet another UK cultural difference that I wasn’t aware of before I joined MN.

OP my DD is 16 and still hasn’t got the hang of tampons. She prefers period pants. We have some of the smallest size in the bathroom cabinet for when she wants to try.

My youngest two started theirs at 11 and 10 respectively and didn't tell me, I just saw the evidence on underwear. I had already given them my first period boxes each with reusable and disposable options. Now I just keep the kids' bathroom stocked with various pads and liners. My youngest, now 12, will talk about them now but my 15yo is trans and will never acknowledge they even exist. I wouldn't worry, everything is embarrassing at that age.

Some weird responses in this thread.

FWIW OP I would be sad if my daughter didn’t feel able to approach me for support around starting her period. Thankfully mine did. But not so thankfully she wasn’t quite 11.

Milli Hill’s book “My Period” is really thorough and practical. So maybe you could give her a book if she isn’t willing to talk. Just so you know she’ll be better prepared going forward.

This has been interesting to read.

I grew up with a terribly abusive mother, who hit me and slapped me and banged my head on the wall by the hair etc.

When to came to periods, we had no privacy whatsoever, being made to pull down our pants in the kitchen and show her our towels and how much etc. She bought the biggest STs ever and we had to wear them even in shorts, in front of our brother. Shocking invasion of privacy. And that is small fry to other stuff I'm sorry to say.

I think it is sweet to hear that other mums are respectful and kind. Mind certainly was not.

Not really sure what there is to say about periods if she's already well informed which it sounds like she is.

That's horrific so sorry to hear that happened to you.

It sounds like you’re sorted but just to say I was younger than your DD but couldn’t stand to talk about it, it’s just the awkwardness and hormones and the feeling your body is rushing ahead of you. It will be fine in the end.

Sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I’d leave a note of useful websites too, and be clear that tampons may take a while to get to grips with, so period knickers are going to her safe bet.

I am so so sorry you had such a horrible time. Hope you're doing ok

I was like that. Didn't tell my mum for ages. I just found it really genuinely cringey to talk to adults about even though noone else seemed to think so. Just like some adults discuss their sex life with their parents and others choose to keep it private. Some people find all bodily functions easy to talk about and others not at all. For eg, my DH has no qualms with telling me the consistency of his shit, and I'd really rather he didn't... It doesn't mean I think shitting is something to be ashamed of, I just don't want to talk about bodily fluids with others unless I have to. We are all different.

Respect her desire for privacy, and please don't keep asking her or mentioning it. Don't make her ask every time she needs period products, just buy a lot at once and keep them in her room regularly without telling her every time. If you need to ask something, I know I'd have appreciated a text message rather than an in person chat.

Just make sure there are enough pads etc in the house and let her get on with it.

Periods are normal.. so back off a bit, and don't go OTT. It can be embarrassing, for some. Apart from what you've always told her, what else is there for you/her to discuss?!

PS: that's not to say you're not a caring mum, as clearly you are. I started mine at eight, and my mum refused to acknowledge/talk about it. So much so that I ended up wearing the pad the wrong way..sticky side up 😞

You wear the "not having taken her to a doctor for 8 years" as a badge of honor ..
But you also say she is very small for her age and that she still didn't have her period until just now at 14.

Would have taken her to the doctor years ago in your position.

When it comes to periods... you left it wayyyy to late to have a talk about it now.
My kids now about periods at age 7. I have always talked about it and normalised it.

At age 14 it becomes an uncomfortable and weird talk that you dont want to have with your mum

But you are there now. So tell her everything (pms. Ovulation. Hormones. Skin changes. Weight changes. Crankiness. Tss. Sex and periods. Hygiene etc etc. )in one go and tell her that you won't mention it again afterwards unless she brings it up.

Then it is hands off and let her come to you.

No, not a badge of honour - I mentioned it a few times as people questioned why I took her to the doctor. And I didn't leave it until now to talk about periods, there wasn't one single big 'talk' but I'd say DD has known about periods and asked about them many times since she was pretty small.