To keep my son off school.

[ThankYouMama]

GM.

My partner has been admitted into hospital for treatment for his OCD.

Our 6 year old son is upset and confused, our 17 month old is staying at my partners mother until he has finished his treatment and is feeling better.

Yesterday he behaved pretty badly, and is refusing to go to school today. I really don't want to send him, because I don't know how he is going to behave whilst there, and I will probably be on edge for the whole day

That poor wee baby being sent away from his parents.

This is such a fucked up situation. Poor kids.

Why did you bring another child into the family if you couldn't cope? This is ridiculous and I feel very sorry for your children. You need to get help for your anxiety (lots of us live with it and it's not an excuse, especially if you care for other family members) and enforce routines for the children. Giving you son a trip to a toy shop isn't helping him in the long run.

I echo this. I don’t know how OP is too anxious to get her son to school but able to take him to the busiest city in the UK for a toy…

Can your partners mum come and look after the toddler at your house so that she can support you all but keep some normality for your children?

The reason I asked the above questions is because OCD can be intrusive and controlling not just to the sufferer but for those around them too. Your partner may well be a lovely person but his OCD is controlling him and therefore it is controlling you and your children too. This is not healthy, which I suspect you already know.

I don’t know if you suffered with anxiety before, but I imagine tip toeing around your partner’s OCD must have your anxiety off the scale. You will be appeasing him because it is what’s easier and perhaps keeps things calmer at home, but long term this going to end up hugely damaging to your children and it will be effecting them greatly now. Small children should not have to live with such anxiety and limitations to their life.

Since it seems like you two got together at such a young age I can imagine that it’s hard to think of your life being any different, and must be very difficult and scary to contemplate it being any other way. You’ve grown so used to living the way you do now it’s become almost normal, but you also know that is not normal or healthy for you and your children.

I couldn’t be more sympathetic at your partners plight with OCD, I suffered it horrendously myself for around 2-3 years after going through a very traumatic time. It can be very difficult to tackle and although you can rationalise things the habits of OCD die hard, and some never go away.

All the above said I have the most sympathy for your children and for you. Lots of people have commented about the statement you made about if your youngest had been a girl and have found it abhorrent. However, I think that this is something you’ve told yourself to give you some emotional distance and as a way to excuse your partner. Speaking plainly and honestly I really don’t think anything would have been different at all, such is the intense hold your partners OCD has on him and by default you and your children.

As mumsnet have kindly and helpfully mentioned I would also urge you to reach out for help and speak to women’s aid, if for no other reason that to at least get some objectivity and perspective on the situation you and your children are in. Not all abuse is physical, not all abuse is a verbal screaming match, some abuse is quiet, insidious and can go almost undetected which can make you doubt yourself, please don’t doubt yourself, you are suffering and so are your children.

All the best 💐

I don't see why everyone is so freaked at her letting her youngest child stay with her MIL. People keep saying about SS, the OP has effectively done this herself by acknowledging she can't be a mother to this 17 month old child and passed him onto someone who can. That's exactly what SS do - in more extreme cases, things like this SS don't have time for

I was raised by an abusive alcoholic mother and they didn't even slightly help me

The bit about if it had been a girl, yeah it's unsettling but the OP obviously has some mental issues, I don't think abusive messages are constructive

That she doesn't normally work, cook, clean or look after her children, irritates me beyond belief though,

I agree. However, having read the thread, perhaps that this is the safest place for this poor child right now. I am praying that this thread is actually fake. OP sounds very young, immature, and inexperienced, and needs urgent professional help in order to be a functioning adult, enter the workforce, and keep these poor children safe.

Most of us find it overwhelming at times butI couldn't imagine sending a baby that age away from it's mother for what could be several weeks if not more.

So neither of you work? Your entire lives revolve around each other and you have BUPA?

Are you seeking help?
Are outside agencies involved in focusing on the chidlrens well being?

I find it very overwhelming to take care of the both of them alone

Why? What's overwhelming about it? The 6 year old can't be that demanding, surely? Or do you think perhaps you find it "overwhelming" because you have very rarely done it?

You need to get a grip and stop making it about you and just start parenting them. Yes sometimes it'll be tiring, that's life. They deserve at least one of their parents to look after them, so do it.

Of course; I don't want him living somewhere else

Don't make him live somewhere else then.

There’s a lot of focus here on ‘the partner’ and how shitty he’s been.
Reading some of what you have said, mainly, if you had a girl things would be different and she would be with you all the time makes me incredibly sad for your little boy and makes me question whether your partner is right in sending him to his parents.
That’s such a crap attitude to have towards your child purely because he’s a boy and blaming your anxiety is a total cop out!

OP I think you're getting a hard time here.

As a single parent who suffers from Anxiety things can feel overwhelming.

Your baby is safe with your MIL for now and it sounds like you will get to see him as often as you like, so I'd keep doing that.

I'm not sure about you but when things are overwhelming the best thing for me is routine. So get yourself into that routine; up, breakfast, both dressed, son to school, then whatever you can do either at home even if its just washing 1 plate or visiting the baby or lunch or whatever you can do.

Then add small things in, so maybe baby coming home for a day or so and see how you manage? And build up.

I ended up a single parent when my DC was 3, my DC has SN so I have a lot to cope with and sometimes it is overwhelming. I'm not going to tell you to go down the single parent route, only you can make that choice, but remember you're not alone.

I'm pretty sure she said SHE would have an anxiety attack not the child.

It's interesting that you say that you believe your partner's OCD didn't affect his mother.

Why do you think that? If he is so unwell that you feel it's just easiest not to be in the house with him every day, surely he was similarly unwell when he still lived at home with him mother. I do not believe that the OCD just started when he met you.

Has his mother got OCD? HIs father? I am just a bit flummoxed by all of this. You say that your partner wanted the baby to go to his mother's. Why is his mother a better care-giver to his child than the child's actual mother - you?

Don't you find that ridiculous?

I think your son should go to school and you should seek some professional help. It's completely irrational to send your baby to live elsewhere while you plan to have your other child at home. Send eldest to school and look after the baby yourself. SS are more likely to get involved if they find out you're not looking after your kids

Sorry if this has already been said, but - please make contact with your husband's doctors. His treatment needs to be informed by knowledge of what is happening at home. When he comes out there needs to be support for all of you to create a more functional home life.

Best wishes and good luck

From the OP's other thread:

".............................. my 6 year old is very upset (keeps crying, is refusing to eat, will not go to bed etc) he says it's not fair and that he wants to be with his brother and nan & grandad................."

Oh OP. Your poor children. Don't you see how dysfunctional this is?