To have made my MIL cry?

[TashieWoo]

There is a back story but things are amicable but strained between my PILs and I; I tolerate them for the sake of DP and DD (1yo). They come to us for the day once a month ish.

Today was DD’s first birthday picnic. I’d been rushing around all morning getting the house, food & DD ready, plus I’m getting over a bad cold and have a bad throat, no voice and I’m pretty run down. When ILs arrived earlier than expected I didn’t have any makeup on and was getting ready in the bedroom, I took DD through to see them and get my makeup bag which was in the lounge. MIL immediately commented that my skin had broken out again. I was taken aback even though she has form for this kind of tactless remark, DP said that I hadn’t been well; and I just got my makeup bag and curtly said that I had better cover it up then.

Next thing I know MIL is crying, and then she ignores me for the rest of the afternoon even when I offer her a drink etc, and makes me out to be a bitch. Honestly is there ever any way of getting through to these women who go through life manipulating others to feel sorry for them?! I’m fed up with it.

You did not make her cry...

She is just using the ''poor me'' act to manipulate and to pass herself as the victim. Her unpleasant comments started this.

I also don't buy the excuses that this is because she is from a specific generation. She is simply being spiteful and manipulative.

Your partner should have had a word with her long ago to tell her that he will not tolerate such random criticism of his wife.

Usually people think they can behave like this because they have got away with it for too long...

There is no need for her amateur dramatics and she is perfectly capable to avoid being rude if she wanted to.

thank you for your replies and I’m sorry to hear that some of you have had to endure this from your own mothers, that is 100x more difficult I imagine. At least it’s easier to cut her off.

DP doesn’t know I’ve messaged her to make my position clear - I told her why I was offended and said that my family and I would no longer tolerate it, she was not to say anything about my daughter’s appearance and that I would have the bare minimum to do with her from now on. No swearing, rudeness, name calling or drama, just being clear and I wanted it in writing so to speak. I’m sure the proverbial will hit the fan when he finds out but if he wasn’t prepared to say anything then I had to.

It's only painful because they have behaved like dickheads

You can't expect to walk into someone's home criticise their appearance and then be surprised when you feel unwelcome.

It's MILS own stupid fault if she feels her relationship is impacted with her grandchild. It's not up to OP to mitigate their discomfort

I totally agree with this ,Greenfairydust, the op mil did this because she was
being nasty , and the op is fully entitled to call her out on it. Anyone whatever their age gender etc should be called out on their bad behavior. if they choose to start crying when they are that’s down to them.

Yes she was rude but when your husband said sort it out between you I don't think he meant send her a almost no contact message! And make out its from the whole family ie your husband too. Jesus. I mean yes he should back you but you really have gone nuclear.

@Boomboom22 he told me to message her, not thinking that I actually would I think. With her I have to go nuclear otherwise she doesn’t get it and thinks everything is fine. And I think the fact it was my DD’s first birthday made it worse.

You've done the right thing, if you wait for DH to deal with her you'll be waiting a long time. He's grown up with this shit, and she's got him well trained, it's almost normal to him to the point he probably won't register most of it as unreasonable.

It's clear you don't want a relationship with them going forward so what's the point in pussyfooting about pretending to play nice, I admire your balls OP.

I'm in your camp. Also, I don't think this is really anything to do with your DH. You have your own relationship with your in-laws. He is their son. It's a completely different relationship. I don't need anyone to stand up for me, sounds like you're the same.

Are you sure that what you wrote will be understood without context? People like your MIL often have no qualms screenshooting and forwarding.

@sheworemellowyellow I have no problem with her screenshotting and forwarding - really the only person who’s opinion I care about is DP’s and I can talk it through with him if I need to, although I think it all makes sense.

Any response yet op?

@alwaysandforevernow she said that she didn’t know how to reply to the messages and I said that she didn’t need to, I just wanted to make my point and say that I will have the bare minimum to do with them from now, as I wasn’t putting myself or my parents through it again.

I think DP may have spoken to her as he is being extra nice to me and he made a comment last night about it being a hard and emotional day, but I’m not going to talk to him about it unless he starts the discussion. Pretending they don’t exist is the way forward.

Good for you! Sounds like she has actually had a moment of realising that other people have feelings.

Hmm, well I think it's inappropriate no matter how it's said! Commenting on a flaw in a person's personal appearance is very likely to make them feel even more self-conscious about it than they probably already are.

What's the purpose of such a comment, if not to emphasise the flaw and bring the person's confidence down?

Completely agree with @Greenfairydust too.

This has NOTHING to do with age.

They are rude people who behave badly because they can.

I think the OP has handled it so well.

They are ghastly and she will cease to be involved and will protect her parents frozm their rudeness.

I think her partner is is weak but at least she isn't and has made her position crystal clear.

She can 100% leave it to her partner to organise whatever involvement he wants with his family.

I hope she is wary though of them.

They sound quite capable of bad mouthing her to her child and her partner sounds as if he might just ignore it.

Well done OP.

Thank you @billy1966 for your kind & supportive words, it means a lot!

I did tell them that if they did criticise me or my parenting to our daughter, or indeed said anything critical about her appearance, that they wouldn’t see her again. They’ve criticised their other daughters in law & granddaughters to me before behind their backs and I won’t tolerate that happening to my daughter.

I don’t mind her having a relationship with them but soon enough she will be able to vote with her feet and only do what she wants to do, I won’t be influencing her either way.

DP loves them because they are his parents but they aren’t overly close, he moved away at 17 never to return whereas his brothers have stayed in the same town. I get on ok with his brothers though. They don’t have much respect for their mother and similarly haven’t had a strong female role model, so I think they’ve all had a shock as they’ve grown up and met women who won’t take her nonsense. She doesn’t get on that well with her other DILs either.

If she has bitched about them, she will bitch about you, of that you can be sure.

I would forwarn your partner, that if you ever hear a hint that his parents have been bitching about you, or criticising your child in front of him and he lets it go, that he will really see what a truly furious woman looks like and they won't see your child for dust again.

It will be interesting to see how much effort he will put in with them going forward.

Best of luck to you.

Thank you so much @billy1966

Thanks @alwaysandforevernow ! I do feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders

You are so welcome.

Be very proud of yourself.

So many posters put up with years of awful behaviour, and are utterly ground down by it.

Those that snap eventually, after years of awful behaviour, and refuse to engage further, bitterly regret all those lost years.

Worse still are the women whose memories of their children's childhood, were destroyed by miserable stressful Christmas and birthdays, where awful in laws, dominated and dictated holidays and family times.

Their anger and regret is huge, at their partner, husband and at themselves, for allowing it to go on and on for so long.

That is why establishing your boundaries early on, is so brave and wise.

You will NEVER regret this.

Honestly, these mother-in-laws! We have a holiday booked with my inlaws for a week in July. Pray for me.

Well done OP! You have stood your ground and called out their rude and nasty behaviour. You are a fantastic role model for your daughter, and she will see that you have her back always.
You should be so proud of yourself!
Sending big mumsnet hugs xx

Thank you @MinnieGirl !

I hope it goes well @PurpleSunshineRain , they can’t all be as bad as those mentioned on this thread!

Op how have you been going with your MIL?