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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made my MIL cry?

124 replies

TashieWoo · 08/05/2023 22:55

There is a back story but things are amicable but strained between my PILs and I; I tolerate them for the sake of DP and DD (1yo). They come to us for the day once a month ish.

Today was DD’s first birthday picnic. I’d been rushing around all morning getting the house, food & DD ready, plus I’m getting over a bad cold and have a bad throat, no voice and I’m pretty run down. When ILs arrived earlier than expected I didn’t have any makeup on and was getting ready in the bedroom, I took DD through to see them and get my makeup bag which was in the lounge. MIL immediately commented that my skin had broken out again. I was taken aback even though she has form for this kind of tactless remark, DP said that I hadn’t been well; and I just got my makeup bag and curtly said that I had better cover it up then.

Next thing I know MIL is crying, and then she ignores me for the rest of the afternoon even when I offer her a drink etc, and makes me out to be a bitch. Honestly is there ever any way of getting through to these women who go through life manipulating others to feel sorry for them?! I’m fed up with it.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 09/05/2023 06:24

Did H notice she ignored you all afternoon? He should be having a word with his mother that she was being rude.

Original poster
TashieWoo · 09/05/2023 06:47

Thanks for the replies - MIL and PIL have made comments about my skin in the past so this isn’t new (but me showing offence is), I do suffer from breakouts sometimes and always wear makeup. I don’t discuss it with them as a health concern. If it was kindness then it was overstepping boundaries but really it was tactless. DP occasionally gets rosacea but my mum would never comment and I’d be mortified if she did.

When I was out of the room she asked DP if there was a problem and he said that commenting on my skin wasn’t the nicest thing to do when she hadn’t even said hello, and she said that it was meant as concern.

Then at the picnic she didn’t speak to me or my family, and loudly said “I don’t want to say anything wrong” when she suggested sitting somewhere else nearer the benches because of her bad leg - we chose an area away because the grass was drier and she had a camping chair to sit on. Honestly her attitude was awful and she ruined it for me. Her husband was rude to my parents as well, he just blanked them.

OP posts:
0021andabit · 09/05/2023 06:59

TashieWoo · 09/05/2023 06:47

Thanks for the replies - MIL and PIL have made comments about my skin in the past so this isn’t new (but me showing offence is), I do suffer from breakouts sometimes and always wear makeup. I don’t discuss it with them as a health concern. If it was kindness then it was overstepping boundaries but really it was tactless. DP occasionally gets rosacea but my mum would never comment and I’d be mortified if she did.

When I was out of the room she asked DP if there was a problem and he said that commenting on my skin wasn’t the nicest thing to do when she hadn’t even said hello, and she said that it was meant as concern.

Then at the picnic she didn’t speak to me or my family, and loudly said “I don’t want to say anything wrong” when she suggested sitting somewhere else nearer the benches because of her bad leg - we chose an area away because the grass was drier and she had a camping chair to sit on. Honestly her attitude was awful and she ruined it for me. Her husband was rude to my parents as well, he just blanked them.

She sounds very difficult. It’s not your job to smooth over the relationship. I’d see (a lot) less of her. If she asks why, explain calmly how she made you feel. If she comments on your appearance again, pull her up on it every time - just say “please don’t comment on my appearance, I don’t like it” or if you’re feeling brave say something like “we don’t comment on other people’s appearances in this family, we want DD to understand it’s rude”.

Gymmum82 · 09/05/2023 07:07

She doesn’t get to come to birthdays again. I wouldn’t have either of them there if they can’t be polite and ignore people rudely and create a horrible atmosphere on what is meant to be a happy day.
Your DH needs to speak to her and if she can’t improve her behaviour stop seeing them entirely

Original poster
TashieWoo · 09/05/2023 07:15

Drip feeding here - DP doesn’t want to get involved and be the go-between so I messaged her last night (not late) and told her that I wouldn’t tolerate her rudeness and manipulation, or take comments about my appearance without retaliation as it doesn’t see a good example for DD. She’s read it but I haven’t had a reply.

The trouble is MIL has never been told to shut up and has gone through life making comments like this, then turning on the waterworks when somebody (rarely) calls her out on it. Her husband and sons (my DP much less so than the others) just pander to her. Well I can’t be bothered with it and won’t stand for it.

I’ve always been there for visits with DD as she’s so little and I don’t want them alone with her (she cries as soon as she sees them and they are overbearing), but from now on DP can deal with them and I’ll go out for the day. DD goes to nursery so I’ve had to let go a bit already.

OP posts:
Violasaremyfavourite · 09/05/2023 07:50

I have told my autistic son to always proceed on the basis that a woman's hair colour is her natural hair colour, never comment on skin blemishes and, above all, never refer to a woman being pregnant unless she refers to being pregnant or literally the head is crowning. If he can manage this, I image your MIL being much older could also manage to follow these simple rules.

Ponoka7 · 09/05/2023 08:00

If your FIL ignored your parents, then it isn't just her. They are both rude people and both need pulling up by your DH. Don't do joint special occasions anymore. They don't get to ruin them.

ily0xx · 09/05/2023 08:04

Honestly I’d have said something way worse. Always stand up for yourself OP! Well done! That’s why she makes nasty remarks, because she normally gets away with it.

Original poster
TashieWoo · 09/05/2023 08:09

Ponoka7 · 09/05/2023 08:00

If your FIL ignored your parents, then it isn't just her. They are both rude people and both need pulling up by your DH. Don't do joint special occasions anymore. They don't get to ruin them.

Yes you are right, when I messaged her I said that “you and your husband were rude to my guests and I” or something along those lines. My parents want nothing more to do with them so no more joint occasions and they will never see DD on her actual birthday because I’m not missing it. Thankfully yesterday wasn’t her actual birthday, that was on the 4th and we had a lovely day at the farm!

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 09/05/2023 08:10

I can already see your DP needling you in a few weeks to extend an olive branch to her.... the sort of man that doesnt like conflict is the sort of man who will pick the person he thinks is most likely to cave in will low key nag to play on your guilt because he is normally "such a good man" and "doesnt ask for much" 🙄

phoneissue · 09/05/2023 08:16

YANBU. You weren’t making her be rude and nor did you make her cry. Fgs what a drama Queen! Hope you had a good party in the end OP.

LizzieSiddal · 09/05/2023 08:28

My MIL can be incredibly rude, we often used to take them for meals to celebrate birthdays, anniversary’s etc. We then got to the end of our tether when she was rude to staff at a restaurant and just makes awful comments to DH at DDs birthday. (She loves deliberately winding DH up, then stands back and thinks it’s all funny). We decided to do what you have done, no more celebrations meals and in fact no meals together at all. DH would like to go non co tact but feels guilty so we pop into their house about every 2 months, have a cup of tea and leave. It works really well.

MalvoliosMother · 09/05/2023 08:34

UnbeIievabIe · 08/05/2023 23:43

Depends how it was said. If I walked in with a break out on my skin and my MIL said "ah no has your skin flared up again" I wouldnt think for 1 minute she was being nasty. I think it depends how it was said.

I would expect her, on arrival, to say Hello, or How are you? or Lovely to see you! Or What an exciting day! or Is there anything I can do to help?
Not comment negatively on OP's skin, in ANY kind of tone of voice.

IhateTrolls · 09/05/2023 08:38

Because turning on the waterworks is fool-proof methodology. Meh 🫤

diddl · 09/05/2023 08:39

It's not a relationship I would be bothering with tbh.

With either of them-FIL also sounds awful.

If you can't leave your daughter because of what they might say-what does she get out of it?

No GPs are better than shit ones!

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 09/05/2023 08:40

My former mil was the same, it’s classic DARVO behaviour but your dh should be standing up to her about it.

Dh never let his M say a word against me and she hated it.

Sapphire387 · 09/05/2023 08:45

I hear you, OP. My SIL recently decided to send DH a load of abusive texts and then turned on the waterworks when he called her out on it. It's classic manipulation.

I agree with you that your best bet is to have as little to do with her as possible. I hope your DP will be supporting you with this.

MrsKeats · 09/05/2023 08:49

It's never polite to comment on something like someone's skin. Basic manners.
MIL sounds a nightmare; I would avoid as much as possible.

IfICouldIStillWouldNot · 09/05/2023 08:51

My mil behaves like this. She is unbelievably manipulative of DH and very rude to me. DH will not acknowledge it, this makes it very difficult. I've reached the stage where I see her as little as I can possibly get away with. She's not going to change, so I may as well give up trying with her.

Redebs · 09/05/2023 08:59

Of course what you SHOULD have done is look her straight in the eye and say,

"Better a minor imperfection that's only skin deep, than a deeply ingrained flaw of personality"

Then keep staring at her.

Should've...

StrugglingWeight · 09/05/2023 09:00

She sounds a nightmare. You did nothing wrong and I am glad you have stood up for yourself. She is playing the victim because she got caught being rude

Youe DH is a spineless twat. His mum was rude to you and then tried to manipulate the situation, he's not caught in the middle. He's not chosing to 'not get involved' he's actually chosing to not support you, and allow his mother to be rude to his family.

2bazookas · 09/05/2023 09:00

She's crying because she showed her true colours in front of her son by bitching at his wife ; and he defended you.

Instead of being upset; look on this as a landmark day. The tide has turned. Her son has struck his colours in your defence and MIL knows it.

Now she faces a stark choice; mend her ways or lose her son and grandchild.

PizzaPizza56 · 09/05/2023 09:02

My MIL insults me every time we see her. Usually within the first half hour and without fail when it is only me and her in the room. DH finally had a word with her about it before Christmas. She then ruined my first Christmas as a mum. Cannot stand her. I eat lunch with them when she visits then go off and do things by myself for the rest of the day. She's horrendous to her own daughter too, in front of other people and behind her back.

Original poster
TashieWoo · 09/05/2023 09:07

@Redebs I wish I could have done that but I’m not confident enough without makeup, I just wanted to scuttle back out again with my makeup bag.

I’m actually not going to bother with them again. Minimal contact and I feel so much better about that. Next time they come I’m not going to feel anxious in the days leading up to it like I usually do, I’m going to look forward to having a day to myself to go out and do as I please, even if it’s just going to my mums for a nap!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/05/2023 09:09

Well handled OP.

They sound like awful pass remarkable people.

Your weak partner has decided that he has no intention of getting involved and being a go between, which translates that he is accepting of his parents behaviour.

Actions have consequences.

Tell him to visit his parents on his own.

Their rudeness to your parents means THEY will never be invited to anything that your parents are invited to again.

Very simple.

You have sent your text and your partner can make any arrangements to see them going forward.

Commenting on your skin is appallingly rude and you are 100% in the right to refuse to tolerate it.

I would be very wary of someone so rude around your child especially as your partner is unlikely to intervene.

Men that are scared to stand up for their family often lose the respect of their partners and attraction goes.

Loyalty to your partner is very important IMO.