To have made my MIL cry?

[TashieWoo]

There is a back story but things are amicable but strained between my PILs and I; I tolerate them for the sake of DP and DD (1yo). They come to us for the day once a month ish.

Today was DD’s first birthday picnic. I’d been rushing around all morning getting the house, food & DD ready, plus I’m getting over a bad cold and have a bad throat, no voice and I’m pretty run down. When ILs arrived earlier than expected I didn’t have any makeup on and was getting ready in the bedroom, I took DD through to see them and get my makeup bag which was in the lounge. MIL immediately commented that my skin had broken out again. I was taken aback even though she has form for this kind of tactless remark, DP said that I hadn’t been well; and I just got my makeup bag and curtly said that I had better cover it up then.

Next thing I know MIL is crying, and then she ignores me for the rest of the afternoon even when I offer her a drink etc, and makes me out to be a bitch. Honestly is there ever any way of getting through to these women who go through life manipulating others to feel sorry for them?! I’m fed up with it.

They're a funny generation

My DM is bloody rude and tactless and sulks if you call her out on it

I had to train her to be less rude by hanging up the phone on her every time she made a tactless comment

I went a bit Pavlovian on her you could say

My DM still doesn't quite get how rude her comments are though as she thinks it's normal to be so blunt and rude.

She knows not to say them out loud but they still slip out on occasion and it's quite horrible really knowing these thoughts still go on in her head

Oh and when my DM and her siblings get together they are shockingly nasty to each other so you see their real side

It's vile and embarrassing

Well I did think you had a point until you wrote this, seems like she’s not the only one making personal remarks.
I know plenty of rude entitled people under 70.

Actually I agree your dp needn't be a go between. Your ils need to hear you op.. You don't need him to stick up for you on this. They can communicate via dp from now on to see him /dd. My ils never had my mobile phone number.. Made for a more pleasant life.. One time my mil commented on our messy house I pointed at the door and suggested she used it. And reminded her she wasn't even invited that week she just turned up.
At 8.20 am..

Changed my mind after this update.

I wouldn’t have seen both sets of parents together given how you feel about PIL - it’s not fair on them, they’ll resent it, but if they show that in their behaviour your parents get rewarded.

After parents had Christmas, surprise birthday visit to MIL was blocked etc, maybe PIL are catching an unwelcome vibe.

It’s easier for your parents to be magnanimous if they’re being included in everything. They seem keen for PIL to be punished …..

@Katherine1985 my parents tried to build bridges and invited them for Christmas just gone but they were away. They’ve been friendly to them on a number of occasions but been snubbed each time, and they haven’t had an argument with them at all!

@oldperson1 I was responding to the poster who interestingly commented about the immediately post war generation being a certain way. I wasn’t being ageist.

I put up with shit like this for too long.

Tell her that if she ignores you like that again, rather than apologising for being rude, you will drop contract.

Then stick to it. Life is too short to indulge the selfish among us.

And if/when she starts to tell you she didn't ignore you/you upset her, just end the discussion.

Post war: they’re a funny generation/ / She’s 70 so in that generation is not an interesting comment but very ageist remarks.
How would you and Happidaze feel if you were both referred to by the names assigned to younger generations ie snowflake etc.
You have posted how upset you were by her comment and their subsequent behavior at your daughter’s birthday and they don’t seem to have behaved very well, but as I said in my pp everyone is capable of causing offense, wether intentional or not.

Exactly. You didn’t make her cry, that’s the wrong way to look at it.

your dp is a bit wet saying he wont get involved-its his bloody parents

dont blame you for not seeing them anymore though

I really do understand and believe you, and no way should you tolerate rudeness, obviously. Just maybe worth cutting a bit of slack and building something with PIL that’s extends you a bit and isn’t enmeshed with your parents.

You see it on here - yes there are atrocious PIL - but it’s extremely painful for the ones who watch while a relationship is formed with maternal grandparents who are so familiar to the DIL who has a lot of power about which way things go for everyone involved

@Katherine1985 most of the time they see me is without my parents but I’m not going to not invite my parents to my daughter’s first birthday picnic. They’ve seen my parents twice in the last year, and me about 10 times, as a comparison.

I work a lot with this generation so I know from experience that very many are similarly rude abs tactless

They both sound awful, I wouldn’t see them, feckit, life is too short for horrible relatives. I wouldn’t bother with explaining myself or trying to change them, just stop seeing them.

My mum is the most rude, entitled person I've ever met. She often tells me about her various (and frequent!) run-ins with people and I'm left wondering how she can possibly think she's the reasonable one in that situation. She doesn't even try to make herself sound good in the story, to be fair; she just expects everyone to automatically agree that the other person is an arsehole for not giving her what she wants.

If she is ever pulled up about her behaviour, she's outraged and will cry, wailing "I can't do right for doing wrong around here!" a few years ago, she really crossed a line and I gave it to her with both barrels. She flipped everything around, basically blamed me for her shite behaviour and then told anyone who would listen that I was in the wrong.

I suppose this is a lengthy way of saying that I understand your situation, and to enjoy the silence while it lasts.

And I am one of this generation, so find your remark and generalization ageist and rude you don’t have to be a certain age to be classed tactless and rude.

My mother is similar and prides herself on justsaying whatever she wants to. She has a high opinion of her own importance but is unable to empathise. Often she makes offensive personal remarks about clothing, appearance, weight and has deeply hurt me and my siblings and my DD.

I have tried to work out what motivates people that do this as most friends and family want to be kind, build one another up not down. It’s ego I think and that she thinks her way is the only way to be! Everyone is afraid of her sharp tongue.

We all now have fairly shallow relationships with her sadly where we will only talk about bland impersonal subjects to avoid conflict. In the end people like this miss out on a depth of loving family connections but it has made my siblings rock solid.

My MIL has also spoken horribly to me on occasion and my DH (v lovely chap) didn’t even notice until DD asked why she was always horrible to me. He promised to stand up for me but it just went over his head so again I distanced for self protection and got a lot more assertive too. Luckily have feisty DC who have my back!! OP I think you have dealt with this really steongly and wisely and hope DH can be stronger in protecting his own family.

Am working hard to be the best kindest MIL I can be.

She’s a bitch. That would have devastated me.

It's classic manipulative and controlling behaviour. She does or say something that is not okay and then claims that your response was mean and hurtful, thereby allowing her to not have to take responsibility for her own behaviour. It's very childlike. Like when you shout at a child for doing something they shouldn't and they get so upset and you've lost the opportunity to actually discuss whatever it was they did wrong in the first place.

Unfortunately my mum was a bit like this although it didn't work on any of us. It's odd, thinking about it now, many years after she died, I realise that it drove us all crazy but weirdly, while we never accepted it or changed our behaviour to accommodate it, she ALSo never ever managed to stop doing it. So we all just stubbornly continued in those patterns.

@Floribundaflummery That’s interesting, the way the children saw the behaviour for what it was. I think children can do this because they haven’t yet been indoctrinated by the social expectation to make excuses for people who do this, in a “she doesn’t really mean it / it’s just how she is” kind of way. Which is done to avoid confrontation and cover up discomfort.
Unless you mean adult children, in which case they’re simply more willing to defend you than your husband, who might find it just too difficult to face up to the fact that his mother is a right old cow.

Sympathies, op, she sounds like my Mum.

I went to a wedding about 6 months post DC2 having lost a bit of weight but not all of it. My mother scrutinised my dress, told me I needed a slip under it and then later played an animal game with my DD that apparently required her to say "oh, Mummy's a whale".

On the same visit she also 'joked' in front of all DH's family that all mothers love their firstborn the most (I'm the second born) then shrieked "haha sorry always and forever, second sittings" at me just to really ram home the point and humiliate me further.

She, of course, DARVOd me when I called her out on all of this. I had a toddler and a baby and no family around me and had just been made redundant at the time and never have I felt more jealous of people with loving families.

We've been no contact for years. I don't miss her at all.

My DD was a teenager at the time but yes I agree children and teens see more clearly whereas I was taught to ‘respect your elders and betters’ and not answer back. That is definitely a feature of previous times. some DPs and PILs seem to think of their offspring as extensions of themselves to be spoken to however they like.The next generation ie my DC don’t tolerate any of this and seem more willing to call people out on things - progress!