To have made my MIL cry?

[TashieWoo]

There is a back story but things are amicable but strained between my PILs and I; I tolerate them for the sake of DP and DD (1yo). They come to us for the day once a month ish.

Today was DD’s first birthday picnic. I’d been rushing around all morning getting the house, food & DD ready, plus I’m getting over a bad cold and have a bad throat, no voice and I’m pretty run down. When ILs arrived earlier than expected I didn’t have any makeup on and was getting ready in the bedroom, I took DD through to see them and get my makeup bag which was in the lounge. MIL immediately commented that my skin had broken out again. I was taken aback even though she has form for this kind of tactless remark, DP said that I hadn’t been well; and I just got my makeup bag and curtly said that I had better cover it up then.

Next thing I know MIL is crying, and then she ignores me for the rest of the afternoon even when I offer her a drink etc, and makes me out to be a bitch. Honestly is there ever any way of getting through to these women who go through life manipulating others to feel sorry for them?! I’m fed up with it.

@PizzaPizza56 thats awful. They were away for DD’s first Christmas thank god

"DP doesn’t want to get involved and be the go-between"

This man will never stick up for you. Pathetic.

My mil is the same, even makes comments on my family out of pure spite.
She's a classic narc. I've decided to be "busy" everytime she visits now. Life's to short to deal with miserable people who suck the life out of you.

OP,

With such excellent self respect, boundaries and such a healthy attitude, you are going to be a wonderful role model for your daughter.

If this is because of excellent modeling from your parents, even better for your daughter.

Well done for not tolerating their rudeness to your parents.

I wonder have you chosen well with your partner though?

Weak man scared of standing up to his extremely ruse family?

At least he did point out to his mother it wasn't very nice, but be wary.

You deserve a man with the self respect to not allow his partner and her family be treated badly by his rude parents.

You have a long road ahead of you, so much wiser to be firm now.

from now on DP can deal with them and I’ll go out for the day.

This is the way to do it. You opted into a relationship with your DH, you also opted into a relationship with his parents and in the same way, you can opt out. It's not compulsary. Draw a line here, don't be sucked back in because of duty.

It's bollocks. Enjoy many a happy Solo Sunday of peace without them.

So many people from the immediately post-War generations are emotional cripples. I have no idea how to deal with them

Oh god, I can't stand women who blub they "Can't say anything," when what they mean is they can't say you look like you've put weight on or look like you're not coping/look tired.

Always to be responded to with "If that's the first comment that comes to mind when you see me then no, you can't."

Well done for standing up for yourself. You are absolutely right to leave your DP to spend time with them & to avoid spending celebrations with them.

The only thing I would say - echoing previous posters - is I think you need to have a conversation with your DP & make sure he understands that you need him to stand up for you (& your DD) if they are ever bitching about you in front of you DD, criticising the way you parent or if they start make comments on your daughter’s appearance as she gets older.

Their his parents & obviously he loves them, but your ILs need to know that you, DD & DH are a family & a team & that he won’t stand for you being disrespected.

So at no point did your DH step in and say "Mum? Dad? Tash's Mum/Dad just asked how you are?"

What did she do at Christmas?

If you’re spotty and she’s saying you’re spotty the powerful thing to say in this situation is ‘Why does it concern you?’. You need to reclaim the power instead of reacting all the time.

Next time they come? Oh no! I would not have them in my house again.

If your spineless DH wants to see his parents he can go to their house. Why should you have to leave your own home? He can go to their house with the kids and you have a nice day at home. Your home is your sanctuary. Don’t let these nasty rude people visit again.

Yes MiL I’m spotty and you are incredibly nasty/rude, but at least I can hide my spots….. Now as you are here very early perhaps you could make yourself useful and stick the kettle on…

Even if it was a moment of tactlessness when her DS said she’d offended you she should have popped her head round the door and apologised. You would probably have still been a bit irritated but it would have blown over. Why did she dig her heels in? You DP should stand up for you too.

I would have him go to theirs but they are a 5 hour (at least) round trip away and in my opinion that is too long for DD to be in the car for. It was when she was a little baby anyway but she’s still only just one. They often stay in a local hotel so FIL doesn’t have to do all the driving in one day.

DP wanted to go to surprise her on her birthday in Feb and I said no to that. I’m back at work (have been since DD was 8 months) and my weekends are too precious to spend with them.

My MIL once said an equally nasty comment, she didn't know but DH heard her, he told her to apologise and SHE started to cry!

DH asked her to leave and not get back in touch unless it was an apology.

It took 6 months!! But she did apologise.

She's much nicer now funnily enough!!

If my mil said that to me then I would be the one crying. Don't apologise to her. At least you only have to see her once a month.

Are there really some people out there who don't believe that, in anyone's language, personal comments about someone else's appearance are rude?

Or is this just a case - as is notorious on AIBU - of playing devil's advocate just for the sake of it?

Are not rude, sorry.

This is interesting. I wish you’d written more on this! I’m watching a few things set in wartime or post-war lately and have thought about how privileged and over sensitive we must seem as a generation.

I'd like to hear more about this too. I'm immediately post-war myself and I broadly agree that we have difficult emotional psychology, but I'd love another perspective on it.
I do think it's very hard to understand what might be down to an individual and what is more down to common history not shared by another age group.
Course in this case we don't know how old MIL is. She could be younger than that.

Or his own children when she starts on them. Because she will. I have a MIL like this. She plays favourites, makes unpleasant personal remarks and gets upset when called out on it. She wouldn't dream of doing it to me but I've discovered she's started on my youngest child, oldest is clearly the favourite.

She complained to DH about something my daughter said to her. His response : "I think she's confused and thinks it's acceptable to speak to you in the same way you do to her. She's not rude to anyone else."
MIL ff'ed off home in a huff but has been noticeably pleasanter to my youngest daughter since. We are taking active steps to reduce contact.

Your MIL sounds absolutely vile!

She was deliberately trying to hurt your feelings and then completely overreacted at what was quite a reasonable response.

She’s 70 so in that generation. My parents are 66 though and completely different!

My mum was notorious for that kind of attention-seeking BS. I think treating her like a naughty toddler is perfect.