AIBU to think that if your partner pays part of the mortgage off you are not then expected to pay them back!

[whattheactual121]

So, this is really difficult to explain but here goes. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage (deceased husband). We are really happy and have a great life but we have very different attitudes to money and we seem to talk about it a lot and find ourselves on completely different pages. The house we live in was my house. He has a house elsewhere that he worked hard to get and loves so does not want to sell it or rent it out (which I can understand) so it is a kind of holiday home (although I am not allowed to call it that!). A couple of years ago when the interest rates went up it was decided (I thought WE had decided but...) that hubbie would use 50k he had invested to pay off part of the mortgage, I also paid 50k at the same time, leaving us with only a small mortgage but naturally we both had a lot less ready cash. Simple, so I thought. Now, he is saying that this has used up a lot of his liquid assets and the deal was that it was the best use of the money at the time but that he thought he would get it back and now I am going back on what we discussed by clearly having no intention paying it back. I am flabbergasted and completely confused. He says he is really cross that I have gone against what was discussed. I of course assumed that once money goes to the mortgage that's it, you don't expect someone to reimburse you. In his defence, he is referring to the fact that I have rental properties that I had said could be used to pay off the mortgage, but that was my plan before we were married, since then I was really thinking that these will be a retirement fund, particularly as now is such a bad time to sell. He worries about money a lot and has been unemployed for a few months (between contracts) and doesn't cope with this uncertainly and stress. But this is not the first time he's mentioned it, before was when he was in a very well paid contract. Overall we are really financially secure and have no reason to worry, certainly a lot better off than most. However he still sees things very much 'yours' and 'mine' and cannot see 'ours'. I won't change his attitude, but am I losing my mind thinking that it was fair to assume that the money he paid off the mortgage was put into the joint property, out home and that's that? He says I should not have assumed that.

He is living in your house that he feels no obligation to contribute towards?
Charge him rent.
Back rent for the last three years will resolve a chunk of the £50k, ongoing rent will pay it off, then you'll be quids in.

Errr...it's already been said that he pays half the mortgage on top of the £50k he put in. How is that not contributing?

I think you should give him the £50k back. Then you both see a solicitor and each ring fence your respective properties so, that should you split, neither gets a penny from the other’s properties.

He also has to pay rent to live in your property, just one lump sum and the OP manages all of the bills, rather like a landlady.

This sounds quite cold but if DH wants “fair” then give him fair.

The OP said earlier he needs to be on the deeds but he brushes it off @xyxygy

You have rental properties (plural), own your own home and he has a house as well. So as a couple you have a minimum of 4 properties (morally suspect) and you are fighting over money. Whole situation is tasteless to me.

It's all a bit bizarre

It makes sense to me..

he obviously had plenty of capital when the 50k was paid into the mortgage and plenty of work lined up, now his work has dried up, and he’s worried he’s going to run out of funds, if that’s genuinely the case, then he was in too precarious of a position to offer the 50k in the first place, he’s assert rich and cash poor, unless there’s something going on with his finances that you aren’t privy to?

If it was a ‘loan’ I find it hard to believe that he wouldn’t have made sure you knew that was the case to be honest, but if you’re in a position to remortgage one of your rentals I’d be inclined to give him the 50k back and draw a line under it.

theres tax implications and complications if you start changing ownership of properties over so it makes sense to keep them separate, but because of the complexities of the situation it would be prudent to get some legal/financial advice if you haven’t already, for your daughters sake more than anything.

I don't understand the situation - too many houses and information is too confusing.

This is way too complicated for me, but the only thing I’d say is consult a solicitor on your own to very clearly ring fence your daughter’s assets should anything happen to you.
I have no clue who’s right or wrong, the whole thing seems strange, I wouldn’t count on him being the noble guardian who leaves everything to your daughter (no clue of your and DD ages, but he could remarry for ex). Either way I’d just focus on your daughter, and I guess you’ll see with time how he evolves, but he’s not someone I’d trust to financially manage my child at this stage anyway.

Exactly. It’s bizarre for him to want the money “back” at this point, if that wasn’t what was agreed at the time.

He also said he's not interested in being on the deeds - doesn't solve anything as far as he's concerned.

Would you have put 50k down on the mortgage if he hadn't done the same? Assuming you each pay half the mortgage per month, it doesn't seem fair that you'd pay down a chunk of your own cash while he keeps his, given that he's also now benefitting from lower monthly payments for the roof over his head - especially useful when you don't have much income.

If he can't get his head around the idea then seemingly the only choice is to do what others suggest earlier - remortgage the house to get 100k out of it and pay each of you your 50k back. Then weep at the pointlessness of the entire thing.

I feel like there's a lot more that isn't being addressed here in terms of how bills are split and how blended your finances are as a whole. It's odd to me that he seems to want to keep this 50k totally separate given that you're married. What does he even want the money for? Someone offering him 20% returns on a crypto scam?!

@xyxygy £150 a month - the OP must have had some equity in the property when he moved in.

I would rewrite the wills to leave everything in trust to your daughter. I don’t know why you would leave him the house or anything while he is such a tight-fisted bastard.

I would stop paying for any fun stuff beyond the things that you really want and only pay your and your daughters shares on days out.

id ask him to sign a document stating he has no interest in the house and start on a repayment plan for the £50k on that basis.

if he wants anything like his share of food shopping paid for whilst he’s between contracts then you can take that out of the repayment money.

I think you need to pay him back, only because he's a as Dick, & Id want the security of owning my own house,
He can then pay rent ti you, or the equivalent if half your new mortgage repayments, in food, insurance etc.
I would leave all my money to my child.
He wants "separate" give it to him