AIBU to think that if your partner pays part of the mortgage off you are not then expected to pay them back!

[whattheactual121]

So, this is really difficult to explain but here goes. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage (deceased husband). We are really happy and have a great life but we have very different attitudes to money and we seem to talk about it a lot and find ourselves on completely different pages. The house we live in was my house. He has a house elsewhere that he worked hard to get and loves so does not want to sell it or rent it out (which I can understand) so it is a kind of holiday home (although I am not allowed to call it that!). A couple of years ago when the interest rates went up it was decided (I thought WE had decided but...) that hubbie would use 50k he had invested to pay off part of the mortgage, I also paid 50k at the same time, leaving us with only a small mortgage but naturally we both had a lot less ready cash. Simple, so I thought. Now, he is saying that this has used up a lot of his liquid assets and the deal was that it was the best use of the money at the time but that he thought he would get it back and now I am going back on what we discussed by clearly having no intention paying it back. I am flabbergasted and completely confused. He says he is really cross that I have gone against what was discussed. I of course assumed that once money goes to the mortgage that's it, you don't expect someone to reimburse you. In his defence, he is referring to the fact that I have rental properties that I had said could be used to pay off the mortgage, but that was my plan before we were married, since then I was really thinking that these will be a retirement fund, particularly as now is such a bad time to sell. He worries about money a lot and has been unemployed for a few months (between contracts) and doesn't cope with this uncertainly and stress. But this is not the first time he's mentioned it, before was when he was in a very well paid contract. Overall we are really financially secure and have no reason to worry, certainly a lot better off than most. However he still sees things very much 'yours' and 'mine' and cannot see 'ours'. I won't change his attitude, but am I losing my mind thinking that it was fair to assume that the money he paid off the mortgage was put into the joint property, out home and that's that? He says I should not have assumed that.

And do not put him on the deeds but allow him to keep his assets for himself.

Sorry I’m confused, why do you call out his house and drop in like it’s irrelevant uou own multiple properties and had committed to using those to pay the mortgage?

i can only assume it’s to sway answers to agree with you, if so, what’s the point of this, do you Reallu need the validation?

It doesn't necessarily work like that in the event of a split though. In a divorce, the matrimonial home is an asset of the marriage, even if it's only in the name of one party (as I know to my cost).
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I don't see it as calling out - it's relevant to the situation because it is a significant asset so it's not like he has nothing, plus it is not contributing. My rentals provide income that supports the family. The house we live in is our home. Having another 'home' is a luxury.

yeah tell him you'll pay t back monthly

how the ell does he expect you to raise 50k and at what point did he say he wanted it back

I can see his point of view. You keep your finances separate, so he pays off £50,000 from a debt you owe. In his position I would either want to be repaid or to get £50,000 worth of interest in the house it is secured against which is still solely owned by you. What happens on death or divorce isn't relevant.

If on the other hand, you joined your finances and put everything in joint names, that would be different.

If he told you it was a gift, that would also be different.

It sounds as though you didn't discuss it and both made assumptions.

It sounds like he wants to keep the houses separate. He owns his house and you own the house you're all living in. I'm guessing he sees it as he's paying "rent" for living there and the £50k was a loan to help you out by reducing the overall mortgage. But he wants his £50k back now because he's worried about money. He doesn't want your house.

What's the regular monthly household split like? Is the burden of DH's empty house solely on him or are marital funds contributing to those costs?

Your situation brings to mind one of the first adult books l read as a teen, The Pearl by John Steinbeck. Rather than bringing Kino and his family good fortune, it stopped them from enjoying the life they had. Ultimately insecurity and mistrust destroyed them.
Your husband could do well to read it and take heed.

This doesn't bode well for your marriage, at all.

I would be making sure, right now, that your child's inheritance is 100% protected should you suddenly die. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

This is bonkers. You are married so you both own equal share of the house you are living in by default.
If you aren't married then obviously you should be putting him on the mortgage now that he has invested so much of his own money.
Are you actually married OP?

You need to go and see a solicitor.

The only thing that should be protected is his 50k (and any other money he’s paid towards the mortgage) which I would find a way to release back to him (either by selling a rental property or whatever other means you have) since he’s being so ridiculous about it.

After that you should make sure that everything you own is protected and protected for your daughter. Your house will likely be regarded as a pre marital asset and I would make sure he couldn’t touch it, my money or any assets going forward and once he has his precious 50k back you wouldn’t need to give him any more money (and certainly not half of your home).

His argument doesn't make sense. I don't think it sounds like he offered a loan in the first instance. If he had done that op would have gone with her original plan to maybe sell one of her rental properties.
I don't know the answer though.

But he isn't paying rent. £150 a month is way below any market rent in a house share.

Who pays the cost of his house that’s standing empty?

If you return the £50k will his rent and expenses go up accordingly?

Do by both paying off £50k on your house each the mortgage is only £300 pcm. What would it be if neither of you paid £50k off of the mortgage? I'd give him back the £50k even if I had to get a loan. But I'd be charging him half of what mortgage would have cost if neither paid off £50k and I'd be making my will out in favour of DC. He sounds obsessed with money. The fact is he has a house, empty that could be let out if he needs money. He chooses to keep it empty and still has to pay £5k a year on expenses for it. I hope this comes from his money not yours or joint money. He should pay half of all bills e.g. gas, electricity, water, council tax and food as he'd have to pay those wherever he lived. I'd also be telling him being mean with money is not a good look and you don't find it attractive.

Legal advice.

Counselling.

Wouldn't that depend on how long you were married for, though? I can't think that 3 years would give him much if any stake.

Is he on your mortgage, in your will etc? Are you an equal partner in his other assets? Have you got all this written down so that he can't claim ownership over your DD should anything happen to you, have you safe guarded the money that would have been due to only your daughter from her late DF's share in your property? Get it sorted, sounds like a bloody mess....

Yes, this is pretty much how my mind is working, too.

I'm not sure on this one. I can see a scenario where you don't discuss it in that much detail so he sees it as more of a loan/money he'd get back and you see it differently. I get that you are married but I think if you have relatively separate finances then I wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable handing over 50k towards a house I don't actually own. I imagine his issue is less about what he would get if you died/divorced and more about how much readily available cash he has. I think I would be asking him what he expects you to do to pay it back? Sell a rental property? How does he feel about money generally? Is it separate or combined? DH and I have fully combined finances so this wouldn't be an issue for us but that potentially has other complications.

I get that, but if he cares so much about being mortgage free I don't quite see why he gave you 50k towards a house that he has no rigid legal claim to outside of a short marriage. He should have just shouldered the increased monthly interest payments. I agree that if he wants his money back so badly then you can start charging him back rent for the lack of contribution to the family home.

Tell him to get over himself and rents his house out if he feels 'cash poor'. Your house is lived in; his can be as well.

I couldn't agree more with this comment. He either needs to shit or get off the pot. At the moment it sounds a lot like he's keeping the other property as a "backup" in case this life doesn't work out and he needs somewhere to go and live in a hurry. It's very bizarre to have a property just collecting dust that nobody is allowed to live in.

who does his house go to in the event of his death? I can't understand him allowing it to sit empty.

Yes this! Putting aside the other properties for a moment, having a house sat empty is disgusting.

I'm really confused by all this because this guy is refusing to be on the deeds or the mortgage but willingly put 50k into the house with no discussion about needing this back. I would wonder if he is planning to leave and doesn't think he'll get this money back if they divorce.

Where was it said that he's refusing to be on the deeds of the house? As far as I can see, he only said he didn't want to be on the mortgage.