AIBU to think that if your partner pays part of the mortgage off you are not then expected to pay them back!

[whattheactual121]

So, this is really difficult to explain but here goes. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage (deceased husband). We are really happy and have a great life but we have very different attitudes to money and we seem to talk about it a lot and find ourselves on completely different pages. The house we live in was my house. He has a house elsewhere that he worked hard to get and loves so does not want to sell it or rent it out (which I can understand) so it is a kind of holiday home (although I am not allowed to call it that!). A couple of years ago when the interest rates went up it was decided (I thought WE had decided but...) that hubbie would use 50k he had invested to pay off part of the mortgage, I also paid 50k at the same time, leaving us with only a small mortgage but naturally we both had a lot less ready cash. Simple, so I thought. Now, he is saying that this has used up a lot of his liquid assets and the deal was that it was the best use of the money at the time but that he thought he would get it back and now I am going back on what we discussed by clearly having no intention paying it back. I am flabbergasted and completely confused. He says he is really cross that I have gone against what was discussed. I of course assumed that once money goes to the mortgage that's it, you don't expect someone to reimburse you. In his defence, he is referring to the fact that I have rental properties that I had said could be used to pay off the mortgage, but that was my plan before we were married, since then I was really thinking that these will be a retirement fund, particularly as now is such a bad time to sell. He worries about money a lot and has been unemployed for a few months (between contracts) and doesn't cope with this uncertainly and stress. But this is not the first time he's mentioned it, before was when he was in a very well paid contract. Overall we are really financially secure and have no reason to worry, certainly a lot better off than most. However he still sees things very much 'yours' and 'mine' and cannot see 'ours'. I won't change his attitude, but am I losing my mind thinking that it was fair to assume that the money he paid off the mortgage was put into the joint property, out home and that's that? He says I should not have assumed that.

No, because her house is her house. She's the only person on the deeds. And his house is his. He's the only person on the deeds.

I don't know what was said in the discussion. This is clearly what the op thought was being agreed on. But maybe he doesn't agree that's what was discussed.

I've suggested putting him on the deeds and he's not interested. It's all about the cash.

This is how I see it, too. For such a short marriage, with the op having a child, they'd probably leave with what they brought in. And he's 50k light.

This is crackers. He can't complain about feeling short on funds when he has a whole house of his own sitting empty indefinitely. Couldn't deal with such a weirdo, sorry.

You have rental properties (plural), own your own home and he has a house as well. So as a couple you have a minimum of 4 properties (morally suspect) and you are fighting over money. Whole situation is tasteless to me.

😂 don’t mean to laugh but I love how you jumped to the most drastic solution. That’s definitely something that I’d do haha

It's not quite as weird as it sounds tbh, but it is a major factor in my thinking. Equally, I can't be seen to be pressuring him into selling.

It all feels like your arrangements are predicated on splitting up. He's keeping the house so he can go and live there when you split up. He's worried about losing the 50k if you split up. Does it never sink in that you could stay married and it's actually his marital/family home that the money is invested in? Or is he really still in the mindset of boyfriend and expecting to bolt at any moment?

Agree, it is. I don't see anything to fight about. We are very lucky.

If you are married, the house is now a joint asset isn't it? How can you pay someone back for something that belongs to them?

He has invested in the home in which he lives. But if he's only been there for 3 years, 50k is quite a sum. It was foolish not to discuss terms and just 'assume' them.
It might be wise to think of selling both houses and jointly buying a new one which belongs to you equally, and repaying yourselves both 50k investments so you each have a chunk of money to do what you want with.

Charge him rent; tell him you'll be paying him back out of that since he clearly sees the house you both live in as 'your' house and his house as 'his.

Tell him to get over himself and rents his house out if he feels 'cash poor'. Your house is lived in; his can be as well.

Your marriage doesn't sound like it's going anywhere. If it's a relatively new marriage, I'd get legal advice about ending it to keep your rental properties out of his hands...

Good point. You can offer to remortgage and point out that his monthly repayments would go up.

First of all if you divorced he would not be entitled to half the property, he'd be entitled to a percentage + his £50,000
Give him his £50,000 back and his marching orders (Royal themed response)

I think you need two things. Counselling and legal advice. You both need to know where you stand legally in the case of death, disability, divorce etc. And then couple's counselling to work out why you are feeling this way. With all the facts in hand.

There are clearly lots of emotions attached to money, property and so on. You need help to unpick them. So does he.

I'd want to know why he suddenly needs 50k???

He's being completely unreasonable and there will be a reason why he needs this money.

I agree with you, he's being selfish and there are other things at play here.

What’s his deal with his house? Why can’t he a) live in it or b) make use of it. Also, why did he put 50k off the mortgage if he was going to ask for it back?

I can understand you ring fencing some of your assets for your daughter in your will.
But you are married and a team so I would not expect the money to be paid back, surely its all joint now as husband and wife.

It sounds like you are flatmates, lending and borrowing money and keeping a tally. How do you manage day to day expenses?

Personally I would look into a remortgage for the £50k and then tell him that his share will be xx to cover it, as you have invested £50k to reduce the mortgage so won’t be paying extra, and at tha5 time he can go on the deeds

the other option is to sell a rental and repay the whole mortgage, but with him not in the deeds. I would the. I would also ensure all rental properties are in your name only as well as any other assets and would separate all finances

I would then change my will to make sure that everything goes to your daughter as he has his own house anyway

This would be my course of action aswell

This really sounds like he is cross he no longer has his £50k to hand, despite living almost rent-free (paying minimal expenses).

I would remortgage the house you both live in to shut him up on this point.

Going forward, I would charge him the monthly going rate for a spare room with all bills included in your town.

Keep all your properties in your name, and see a solicitor/accountant tomorrow about wrapping all your assets into a trust for your DC, in case the worst happens to you.

As you are married, there is a real risk that everything (unless you take proactive steps to avoid it) will go to him on your death, and given he's fighting about this £50k when you are alive, I can't see him willingly making provision for your DC if you are not around.

Well you marriage is pretty short so no things won’t be split 50:50 should you divorce in the early days. If you split up within the next couple of years, he is actually quite exposed as you haven’t put the house in joint names. It is all quite a confusing set up and I think you should have discussed it a bit better beforehand.

So are you now supposed to remortgage for 100k. He has 50 you have 50 to invest then both pay half the mortgage or are you supposed to sell your assets so he can live at low cost?

Honestly the fairest thing is if he gives you half the value of the house minus 50k and goes on the deeds. If he doesn’t want to own your house then he should pay rent.

If you'd said that at the time of paying off the mortgage, his name was put on thedeeds, I'd say he shouldn't expect his 50k back. But that didn't happen. The offer of it now is not useful to him because he needs the cash. It doesn't matter whether in practical terms he needs it or not, emotionally he clearly does.
I don't know how long he's been living on his own for but it does often change your mindset to your financial situation and your sense of security and independence.

I thought you couldn’t be on deeds without being on the mortgage? He would then have to pay stamp duty based on the mortgage.

If he really wants 50/50 pay him back and charge him market rent and stop paying more than half your fair share.
You are either partners who share money, or you are 50/50 properly. What he wants advantages him financially to your detriment.