AIBU to think that if your partner pays part of the mortgage off you are not then expected to pay them back!

[whattheactual121]

So, this is really difficult to explain but here goes. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage (deceased husband). We are really happy and have a great life but we have very different attitudes to money and we seem to talk about it a lot and find ourselves on completely different pages. The house we live in was my house. He has a house elsewhere that he worked hard to get and loves so does not want to sell it or rent it out (which I can understand) so it is a kind of holiday home (although I am not allowed to call it that!). A couple of years ago when the interest rates went up it was decided (I thought WE had decided but...) that hubbie would use 50k he had invested to pay off part of the mortgage, I also paid 50k at the same time, leaving us with only a small mortgage but naturally we both had a lot less ready cash. Simple, so I thought. Now, he is saying that this has used up a lot of his liquid assets and the deal was that it was the best use of the money at the time but that he thought he would get it back and now I am going back on what we discussed by clearly having no intention paying it back. I am flabbergasted and completely confused. He says he is really cross that I have gone against what was discussed. I of course assumed that once money goes to the mortgage that's it, you don't expect someone to reimburse you. In his defence, he is referring to the fact that I have rental properties that I had said could be used to pay off the mortgage, but that was my plan before we were married, since then I was really thinking that these will be a retirement fund, particularly as now is such a bad time to sell. He worries about money a lot and has been unemployed for a few months (between contracts) and doesn't cope with this uncertainly and stress. But this is not the first time he's mentioned it, before was when he was in a very well paid contract. Overall we are really financially secure and have no reason to worry, certainly a lot better off than most. However he still sees things very much 'yours' and 'mine' and cannot see 'ours'. I won't change his attitude, but am I losing my mind thinking that it was fair to assume that the money he paid off the mortgage was put into the joint property, out home and that's that? He says I should not have assumed that.

Maybe you should charge him rent instead?

It sounds like the £50k was his safety net, OP.

If he's out of work, I can totally see how he would be feeling anxious and worried about not having it.

Even though you are both asset-rich, it sounds like he, at least, is cash poor which is not a comfortable position to be in.

What plans can you both put in place to help him re-build his savings?

It sounds like he was expecting OP to sell one of her rental properties to pay him back and cover the remaining mortgage- based on previous conversations

I agree with this. If you divorced he may not get his 50k back (it depends on a number of factors) so I think I can see where his insecurity is coming from. You would have multiple properties whereas he would have 1 property and hardly any cash.

This just makes him feel you have a better deal and makes the relationship unbalanced. He would have to rely on you and that might feel scary to him. I would pay the 50k back so that he can decide how to invest the money.

I’d tell him to fuck off out of my house, can’t be doing with tight fisted men, he’s living there the fuckwit!

You say that if you die he will get the house - what about your child??? Surely they should get the house?

It’s the marital home! Of course she should not pay him back!

@JudgeRudy you have done a fantastic job of summarising the situation here! It is all very anal to me, but he has worked hard and given up a lot to get where he has financially and now he sees his financial independence going. I can understand that. He's not ready to take the leap of faith to seeing that it is all 'ours' anyway.

That all sounds very sensible. I will need to give this some thought.

There are other assets that she would get.

You're right, I think that's the case. He was supposed to be starting a contract in Jan and that fell through. There isn't much around at the moment otherwise he would have been working and would feel better I think. Even so, he has mentioned this before.

You both came into the marriage with a property. He owns a property and you own a property. Why should he pay off your mortgage to your property?
I don't see you choosing to live in your property as opposed to his property having anything to do with it. If you were living in his property, I'd expect you to pay off your own mortgage, as well. I'd never expect you to pay off his mortgage (if he had one) if it wasn't half yours, either.

IMO this is a way more complicated situation than just "we both put 50k down on the mortgage" - you're married, so how are bills and income split otherwise? You say he's having trouble with "ours", but surely he's getting the better end of this deal at the moment as he isn't generating any income?

In general, I'd expect your joint income to be subsidising him while he's out of work. You both put 50k down on the mortgage (which he probably shouldn't have, but hindsight is 20/20) as it made sense at the time so as a result, he now has lower monthly payments to worry about which will make his life a little easier when searching for work.

I can appreciate that he feels a little cash poor at the moment, but that shouldn't be an issue as long as the joint family finances can keep him afloat and he is actively searching for new work. It sounds like he's perhaps a little ashamed of the fact that he isn't bringing anything in at the moment and rather than focus on that, he's getting angry about the fact that he overleveraged himself to put 50k down on a mortgage.

Is the "holiday home" just sitting empty with no tenants at all? That seems like a waste of money to me, even if it doesn't have a mortgage. It could be generating an income for him. Failing that he could sell it and recoup his 50k.

At the very least I think he should be on the mortgage for the house you both live in. He's contributing to it so he deserves a share of the equity. If he doesn't want that I'd probably be questioning why.

How much a month have the mortgage repayments reduced by since you each put in the £50,000? He's benefitting from his 'investment via that, isn't he?

Oh - and I'm also assuming that you didn't shame or browbeat him into putting the 50k down on your mortgage. If it was his decision entirely to do it, I don't see why it's such a problem. You both put an even share into the house you both live in to keep the payments low. That sounds entirely fair to me and you're both benefitting from it.

But they are married? What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine, no?

OP, say to him that he gave the £50k and that at NO POINT (I'm assuming) was a loan and repayment of the money ever discussed!

A lot of this is emotional. He doesn't want to be on the mortgage as he is mortgage free and doesn't want to be saddles with a mortgage again (albeit a tiny one). The 'holiday house' cannot be rented out as he does not want anyone else there. It took me a long time to feel accepted there, but that's a whole other story!

I'm really quite confused by the arrangement and don't have a clue really but just wanted to pop in to say in the case of divorce, he will likely have claim on your house as he is living in it so it is the marital home. You may not have a claim on his as you have never lived in it so it may be ring fenced as a pre-marital asset. If this is the case, he absolutely should be paying the £50K towards the house you live in

You’ve only have a short marriage do he wouldn’t get a lot if anything he’s not on mortgage or deeds he’s paid 50k
basically he’s fucked if u split
he could kiss bye bye to 50k

I can’t get my head round how many houses you have between you or money sloshing around. I’m quite glad I don’t have much money if this is typical of the kind of issues it causes

I think once you’ve resolved the £50k issue I think you need to sit down and sort your finances out and try and untangle everything as neither of you sound happy with the current situation. It almost seems like he wants everything separated which is fine, but he can’t have it both ways.

if you give him his £50k back then he should be paying half of the bills plus “rent” which isn’t just half of your remaining mortgage as you’ve used money from your savings to decrease that, and he’s effectively kept his “savings”

he sounds quite mean to be honest.

I hope your daughter is well taken care of should anything happen to you. Out of interest who would inherit his house?

It reads like he lent you 50k to bring your mortgage payments and interest down. He now wants the money back without the high interest the bank would have added.

Seems like an alright deal to be honest.

You would have been paying it anyway so at least you'll save some money in the long run.

Having his name on the mortgage and having his name on the deeds to the house are not the same thing, though. As he effectively owns part of the house - assuming you don't just give him the money back - then a substitute for the money is a legal document to that effect.

It doesn't need to be a complicated or contentious thing, it's simply protecting his assets because neither of you can see the future. For example, off the top of my head...you're in an accident, and for whatever reason are deemed not to have capacity - one of your family could make the case that he isn't acting in your best interests, get power of attorney and take the house away from him (including his share) regardless of what's in your will because legally you're the sole owner of the property.

It's not always about messy stuff like trust or emotional attachment. Just get a solicitor to draw up a document to that effect, stating his share in the house, and you're golden - assuming, of course, that he accepts that you don't have a spare £50k lying around.

I think this isn't really about the houses- more about the fact he's feeling vulnerable due to not currently working and not as much surplus cash as he expected- my own view would be to see if he can be on the deeds without being on the mortgage (I don't see why not but I'm not an expert) personally though I think he's mad not selling the place he owns but you rarely go to and banking the cash , and by the way if he's put on the deeds on your house - I think the reverse should be true on his house

So neither he nor you want to live in the 'holiday house' but he doesn't want anybody else to either?

Is he just planning to keep a spare empty property sitting there gathering dust for ever or does he have some future ideas for it?

yup, just sitting there.