Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at friend & husband

358 replies

Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 13:13

Bit of a rant! And long - sorry!

I’ve been friends with A for many years. She’s a brilliant friend and I would trust her with my life. Since she met her husband, B, 5 years ago, he has been involved in every part of our friendship.
It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her.

B isn’t a bad man but has zero social skills and finds himself the most fascinating subject of all time.
He contradicts people, says inappropriate things and will interrupt conversations to start monologing about whatever is on his mind.

It makes spending time together really dull and hard.

A&B had a baby last year and in January moved quite far away (plane ride) to get support from family.
A made me promise I would visit as soon as possible. I said I would but there just hasn’t been time yet : I have been working on a really high stress project that often needed 60 hour weeks and when it came to an end recently I was able to take 2 weeks off : my first break in 4 months to literally crash and rest and catch up on boring domestic stuff.

She messaged me over the weekend to say ‘now that you’ve taken all this time to yourself, I need to know when are you coming to see us’. I replied honestly that I don’t know - work is in flux, I may or may not be made redundant in the coming months and as I’ve just taken 2 weeks off I’ll have to wait to see how everyone else’s diary lines up.

No reply - this is unusual. I thought she’d be disappointed as I know she is lonely and struggling with B as her only social outlet but would give her a call today

I woke up this morning to a string of messages from B berating me for upsetting his wife, being a selfish friend and pretty much demanding I come NOW as he ‘won’t be happy’ with me til I do.

This is not the first time he’s sent me messages making demands or telling me I’ve offended him by not doing what he thinks is best and on every other occasion I’ve checked if A knew and she hadn’t so I’ve told him he’s being inappropriate and patronising and cut it out.

Except today he says she does know he’s messaging me and fully supports it and I ‘should do as he says’.

I am pretty livid right now so haven’t replied.

I don’t think she’s in a controlling or coercive relationship and he treats her very well but this passive aggressive stuff now being at her instigation is both disappointing and pissing me off.

And right now the last thing I want to do is make the effort to take a 2 hour plane ride to sleep on a sofa (they have made it clear they expect me to stay with them to ‘make the most of the time’) with two people who seem to think I’m so very awful and selfish anyway!

AIBU to think ‘away off and shite the pair of you’?!

OP posts:
Flufz · 08/05/2023 21:47

He sounds ND. Regardless, it’s crazy that she expects him to be Integrated in to female friendship circles.

Clementinesucks · 08/05/2023 22:14

It’s good you’ve connected with her. I’d also let her know you are blocking his number - it’s an awful message too many.

I agree this could be a deliberate strategy of isolation from him. It was actually my first thought - muscling in on and destroying her friendships one at a time. But even if not, he sounds absolutely vile.

Mindovermatter247 · 08/05/2023 22:24

If she’s missing you that much why can’t they come see you….?

Puppers · 08/05/2023 22:26

It sounds like she is a bit hurt that you don't prioritise the friendship. You promised to visit as soon as you could, but you didn’t keep that promise. You could have visited for 4-5 days or so and still had over a week to recuperate and relax. You just chose not to because it wasn’t that important to you to see your friend, to meet her baby or to offer a bit of support while she’s struggling. That’s your decision entirely, but decisions have consequences and you’ve sent a clear message about how important (or not, really) she is to you.

On a separate note, her husband sounds fucking batshit and I’d simply block his number if I were you.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 08/05/2023 22:48

Husband sounds like a complete and utter cunt. Sounds very controlling too. Try and have a word with her where he can't listen in and ask her openly and honestly if she feels safe. If she does and she is happily choosing life with this dickhead, great leave them to it. But if you prise out of her that she's in an abusive relationship then try and help her to leave. It does sound like she just has really bad taste but I'd want to 100% rule out coercive control before cutting her off entirely.

Flufz · 08/05/2023 22:57

Puppers · 08/05/2023 22:26

It sounds like she is a bit hurt that you don't prioritise the friendship. You promised to visit as soon as you could, but you didn’t keep that promise. You could have visited for 4-5 days or so and still had over a week to recuperate and relax. You just chose not to because it wasn’t that important to you to see your friend, to meet her baby or to offer a bit of support while she’s struggling. That’s your decision entirely, but decisions have consequences and you’ve sent a clear message about how important (or not, really) she is to you.

On a separate note, her husband sounds fucking batshit and I’d simply block his number if I were you.

Don’t be ridiculous, OP is burnt out and potentially jobless, she needs to take care of herself first and recover before she can support anyone else.

itsrainin · 08/05/2023 23:00

i would definitely cut a friend off over this. her husband has no right to have your number or constantly message you such bollocks. I would NEVER catch a flight to visit them, god knows what his unhinged and overbearing self would do to you.

frankly it’s stress you don’t need right now.

you need to be clear and set boundaries. Be honest and say although you appreciate her friendship, this sort of thing makes you NOT want to visit her at all.

Beesandhoney123 · 08/05/2023 23:01

Well, trying to understand his behavior will drive you mad, as its so bizarre. Don't bother.

Also, think he reads all your messages/ emails to her and her replies.
He wants you at their house on the sofa to ensure there are no conversations he is unaware of, imo. You won't get a moment alone with your friend.

Do you know anyone where they are who could pop round? Perhaps she could visit and see you instead. Unlikely she will be allowed tbh.

He sounds dreadful tbh, and is ensuring perhaps you cut contact or she gives up trying.

What do her other friends and family say about it, if you know them.

itsrainin · 08/05/2023 23:01

They probably only want you to visit to dump you with the baby whilst they go off and do something else. That’s what “support” means to people this overbearing

billy1966 · 08/05/2023 23:13

Flufz · 08/05/2023 22:57

Don’t be ridiculous, OP is burnt out and potentially jobless, she needs to take care of herself first and recover before she can support anyone else.

Show quote history

Agreed.

Her friend has moved.

The OP will see her when she can.

When you move away that is part of the choice you are making.

People have their own lives and are not under any obligation to visit.

Also the OP is unlikely to stay with them so visiting will now involve accommodation.

itsrainin · 08/05/2023 23:19

Oh I forgot to say, I was in a similar situation recently but my friend’s partner didn’t message me. My friend essentially got angry that I wouldn’t visit her asap

CabernetSauvignon · 08/05/2023 23:48

Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 21:00

@CabernetSauvignon I think she’ll be very angry with him but won’t give him such an extreme ultimatum.
I don’t think she’ll have a problem with me telling him where to go, though.

Well, he will do it again, in that case. But at least it should be quite fun for you telling him to fuck right off.

Puppers · 09/05/2023 00:37

Flufz · 08/05/2023 22:57

Don’t be ridiculous, OP is burnt out and potentially jobless, she needs to take care of herself first and recover before she can support anyone else.

Show quote history

Ridiculous? Nice.

It sounds like the friend just wanted company, to see her and for her to meet the new baby. Not "support" as in taxing physical or emotional labour.

OP is entitled to not prioritise the friendship and her friend is entitled to feel hurt by that.

user1492757084 · 09/05/2023 00:38

Talk to your friend in an actual call.
Say you are deeply offended at her husband's demands.
Stay firm and be sorry for not being able to visit yet.

Maybe set up a monthly zoom with her and the baby.

Cornchip · 09/05/2023 01:02

I couldn’t be annoyed with this in my life. He needs to be firmly told, by her, to stay in his own fucking lane, or I’d be letting the friendship die off for a bit.

I’d be damned if this fucking loser of a man would be telling me what to do. Jog on.

I don’t know how you didn’t just go through him to be honest.

But I’m not shocked. Men who are unsuccessful in their own right are quite often abusive, meddling and manipulative pricks in their personal life because it’s all they “have” to assert their fucked up version of authority over.

The only reason I wouldn’t be cutting her off is because men like him have form to be abusive. He’s already sold her a story about getting a job in the new country. That is only the beginning. He’s already working on ruining your friendship. I’d be very wary of that one.

Cornchip · 09/05/2023 01:03

There is a very valid reason to why this man has no friends of his own.

Codlingmoths · 09/05/2023 01:57

You have a free pass for staying somewhere else after those messages at least. ‘I’m really uncomfortable he could talk to me like that and I don’t want to be sleeping in your living room. I’m very excited about seeing you but have booked <hotel x> to stay in.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/05/2023 03:28

Rude, unreasonable and aggressive. Steer clear.

diddl · 09/05/2023 07:19

Flufz · 08/05/2023 21:47

He sounds ND. Regardless, it’s crazy that she expects him to be Integrated in to female friendship circles.

Well yes-where's the compromise/consideration from her re always foisting her husband on Op?

colddrytoast · 09/05/2023 08:41

If you want to keep the friendship then be very wary that you don't 'offend' the husband with your reply. If you do and he orders her to stop being your friend altogether then she is likely to go along with that for whatever reason. Sorry you're in this position, he sounds dreadful.

Inkpotlover · 09/05/2023 08:57

Puppers · 09/05/2023 00:37

Ridiculous? Nice.

It sounds like the friend just wanted company, to see her and for her to meet the new baby. Not "support" as in taxing physical or emotional labour.

OP is entitled to not prioritise the friendship and her friend is entitled to feel hurt by that.

Show quote history

Not spending out on flights to visit a friend when you could be losing your job is not failing to prioritise the friendship, it's being fiscally responsible. OP hasn't said she won't go, just not now – and certainly not when demanded by the friend's abusive OH. Playing the emotional card to berate OP for not going isn't fair.

Original poster
Over40Overdating · 09/05/2023 09:15

@Puppers well your reasoning works both ways. She’s not working and could have just as easily arranged to come see, which she didn’t. And if I’m being very honest likely won’t unless it’s with her husband.

Since they got married, most social occasions have been on their terms, so I’m not going to feel guilty about prioritising myself right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Over40Overdating · 09/05/2023 09:23

He has sent me a message to say he is sorry for overstepping, he didn’t phrase it well BUT he is disappointed I have not come to visit yet. So essentially sorry not sorry.
And I can’t be arsed replying.

I’ll wait to have a proper chat with her but having slept on it, I realise I’m more annoyed and upset than I admitted about how she has essentially made him central to our friendship when it comes to meeting up.
He isn’t my friend and will never be my friend and this ‘he wants to be your friend because you’re my friend’ thing feels like a non negotiable ultimatum.

I have reached out to a couple of mutual friends - none have been invited to visit and a couple who had zoomed with her gave up because he was sitting in on the calls, taking over the conversation and talking about himself.
Any questions directed to her, he replied to.

Which reminded me - after she gave birth he was answering the questions about how long, how it felt, pain, tiredness, after effects etc - to this day I don’t know what her birth experience was actually like because he talked over her every time I asked a question.

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 09/05/2023 09:26

You've got your head screwed on op. Your perspective on this seems balanced and fair to me.

Sounds like you really need to talk to her and try to share these points of view, she's probably got no clue how this is for everyone, these situations are insidious.

PimpMyFridge · 09/05/2023 09:28

And the sorry not sorry reply is a crock of