To be pissed off at friend & husband

[Over40Overdating]

Bit of a rant! And long - sorry!

I’ve been friends with A for many years. She’s a brilliant friend and I would trust her with my life. Since she met her husband, B, 5 years ago, he has been involved in every part of our friendship.
It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her.

B isn’t a bad man but has zero social skills and finds himself the most fascinating subject of all time.
He contradicts people, says inappropriate things and will interrupt conversations to start monologing about whatever is on his mind.

It makes spending time together really dull and hard.

A&B had a baby last year and in January moved quite far away (plane ride) to get support from family.
A made me promise I would visit as soon as possible. I said I would but there just hasn’t been time yet : I have been working on a really high stress project that often needed 60 hour weeks and when it came to an end recently I was able to take 2 weeks off : my first break in 4 months to literally crash and rest and catch up on boring domestic stuff.

She messaged me over the weekend to say ‘now that you’ve taken all this time to yourself, I need to know when are you coming to see us’. I replied honestly that I don’t know - work is in flux, I may or may not be made redundant in the coming months and as I’ve just taken 2 weeks off I’ll have to wait to see how everyone else’s diary lines up.

No reply - this is unusual. I thought she’d be disappointed as I know she is lonely and struggling with B as her only social outlet but would give her a call today

I woke up this morning to a string of messages from B berating me for upsetting his wife, being a selfish friend and pretty much demanding I come NOW as he ‘won’t be happy’ with me til I do.

This is not the first time he’s sent me messages making demands or telling me I’ve offended him by not doing what he thinks is best and on every other occasion I’ve checked if A knew and she hadn’t so I’ve told him he’s being inappropriate and patronising and cut it out.

Except today he says she does know he’s messaging me and fully supports it and I ‘should do as he says’.

I am pretty livid right now so haven’t replied.

I don’t think she’s in a controlling or coercive relationship and he treats her very well but this passive aggressive stuff now being at her instigation is both disappointing and pissing me off.

And right now the last thing I want to do is make the effort to take a 2 hour plane ride to sleep on a sofa (they have made it clear they expect me to stay with them to ‘make the most of the time’) with two people who seem to think I’m so very awful and selfish anyway!

AIBU to think ‘away off and shite the pair of you’?!

Op. She is not your friend. They’ve been tag teaming on you for five years hence A telling you B will be part of every interaction between you and A. She gets B to pass along her orders and when you get up the courage to complain she pretends to “put him back in his box” she’s the one who lets him out of his box, op. To sic on you.

I bet they talk about you to their friends and how B had to set you straight again when you disrespected B. You are their entertainment. They want you to make the big effort to fly out to see them so they’ll have new material to regale their friends with. “Guess what C did when we invited her to see the baby. B had to set her straight again.” In a group of people there is usually a leader. When that leader is cruel and manipulative, there will be a target who is invited yet excluded, there to provide interest, someone to talk about later “Can you believe what C said this time?!”

A and B know exactly what they’re doing. I suggest you think about how you will proceed going forward.

Oh hell no. I really don't get people who involve their partners in their friendships.
My best friend is my best friend. She has zero relationship with my hubby. When she comes round they may chat about the weather that's about it. Equally I do not have a relationship with her partner

when you disrespected A, not B.

@Over40Overdating

This.

Send it to the husband, but then phone your friend - whom I suspect you'll find didn't in fact know - and tell her you'll send her the money to fly herself and the baby over to you for a visit, but that you will never again agree to be within 500 yards of her husband.

Cut them off. Not your job to pander to other people. I live a plane ride away and none of my friends have visited and the idea of my husband messaging anyone is disgraceful. I’d be furious if he did. These people are weird with no boundaries and I’d run a mile.

I think you need to be straight with your friend and him. Be firm and say you will come when you are able. Maybe suggest she comes to visit you without him until you have a chance to get there. Don't take his misogynistic nonsense.

OP - tactical withdrawal a good idea here.

Posters are outraged at B obnoxious behaviour.

In my experience this isn’t unique.

As a single lady I was regularly subjected to this sort of hostility from
husbands of close friends. So tiresome, as is their assumption of gender
based superiority.

@MysteryBelle I can see how it might seem that way but it isn’t.

She isn’t that kind of person. She has never known about the other messages and she was horrified at this one. Genuinely.

He has very few friends of his own.
The majority of people he calls friends are her friends he has muscled in on who, like me, tolerate him for her sake. If he was telling tales like that, eyes would be rolled to heaven and back.

@SOMumm yes I do find being single brings out the worst in my friends partners!

In this instance I think it’s a case of him feeling insecure, seeing his wife unhappy which is partly his fault and thinking he’s being helpful and manly and direct. Which is not the case.

I have reframed friendships over husbands being misogynistic dicks in the past and will again if I have to, but I (hope!) I know friend well enough to know this has crossed a boundary she is horrified at and I won’t let his behaviour change our relationship like that.

In other cases it was clearer the friend was happy with the husband’s awful behaviour so with those friends I’m very clear I will see them 1 to 1 in neutral space only.

I lost a very dear friend in exactly the same circumstances. I realised years later that it was almost certainly a tactic to isolate her from friends of hers he did not like.
I definitely wouldn’t visit them - couldn’t cope with the husband for a day let alone 2 weeks . But I’d let her know I love her and am always here for her- you really don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and she could be in a unhappy and potentially dangerous situation in her marriage to this prick.

What happens now will tell you a lot I think.

Will she suggest coming to you?

Will she be upset if you say you will go over but not stay with them?

She is horrified at his message but will she try to excuse it as "the way he is" or "looking out for her"?

Sometimes, being a good friend is all about making sacrifices, even if you are tired and not 100 percent yourself. This time is one of them

This!!

Send him a gif of Igor from Frankenstein saying "yes master"

He's out of order with his overstepping and trampling of boundaries, but it does sound like you've been making excuses not to go and see her. It definitely sounds like you don't want to, so time to be straight with her.

It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her.

I think that that doesn't make her a very good friend tbh.

He does sound like someone with narcissistic personality traits. I know the type very well. I hope that your friend is able to keep standing up for herself, these people chip away at you. He sounds awful. I am so sorry OP.
I would encourage you to have firm boundaries with him at all times. Do not soften them. ❤️

You are clearly a very kind friend. I hope that A appreciates that, and you get to visit her soon (whenever it suits YOU!)

You sound like a lovely friend, OP and she is lucky to have you. I agree to not let this man come between you. You are handling this really well.

Bloody hell. Tell him to fuck off. I'd tell him he's bang out of order and that you'll be dealing with A solely and directly from now on, and then block him.

How? When exactly do you say OP should have gone? Which should she destroy, her job prospects or her health, do you think? Because those seem to be the only alternatives.

The thing is, she's had to put him back in his box before and he just doesn't stay there or learn. Is she prepared to tell him that if he ever dares communicate with her friends, relatives or colleagues in that way again she is out of the door? Because otherwise he will keep ignoring her and he will be driving people away.

@JMSA not the case at all! A promise to visit once I was able. I have not been able.

@CabernetSauvignon I think she’ll be very angry with him but won’t give him such an extreme ultimatum.
I don’t think she’ll have a problem with me telling him where to go, though.

So yiu mat be made redundant and they can't see that as an issue either. Wtf friends are they?

He is def controlling that relationship - he wanted to be friends with her friends purely for that reason. She is /has been groomed.

I feel sorry for her, but she can't see that yet. Don't cut off ties, but drf don't go. Ask her to come to you on her own to give her a break instead. She how that flies... it'd be a good test...

I agree that he's trying to isolate her, while appearing like her protector. "You see how I tried to keep all those people in your life? You see how they don't care about you like I do?"

He sounds vile. I would block him immediately. No way I would let that fucker have access to me or my headspace again.

Your friend though, I would message something along the lines of, "I've blocked P following a series of inappropriate messages. I can't visit you right now, but I hope to see you later in the year. I'll let you know when I book a hotel so we can organise our diaries."

And then be there for her if you can, keep a channel open that is just you and her - he's burned the whole fucking bridge. No second chances for men who behave like that.