Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want SIL’s dog anywhere near DS

129 replies

GreeneryParsonage · 06/05/2023 08:39

I will preface this by explaining I’m not the biggest fan of dogs (I really mean no offence to dog owners, please don’t let that be a distraction on this thread). Small and medium dogs who are friendly, I have no issue with. If such a dog comes up to me, I will happily engage and bend down and stroke. But I don’t like big dogs and I don’t like seeing dogs in shops and restaurants. Explaining that just in case it has affected my position and I am being unreasonable.

SIL has two dogs. A medium sized one and a huge one (and I mean huge - DH is 6 foot and it’s about waist high for him). I know it’s relevant but I don’t want to say the breeds as it will be outing, but the big one is a traditional hunting dog and it has killed livestock whilst out on walks.

My in laws live far away so we don’t visit that often, as my PIL usually visit us every few months instead. The first time we went up with DS, he was a few months old and SIL only brought the smaller dog to my PIL, and that was fine. Kept an eye on them but the dog was completely uninterested in the baby.

The second time we went up, DS was walking and I did tell DH and my PIL that I was uneasy about having such a big dog near DS, partly because it’s so big and partly because I was worried DS would go up to the dog and grab it and the dog wouldn’t react well. They reassured me it was fine, there won’t be any issues, etc.

Well, SIL arrived with the dogs and after half an hour, she brought the dogs into the house. I carried DS into the room and the second the big dog saw us, it started growling at us. No wagging of the tail or anything, just an immediate growl showing the teeth.

I walked right back out of the room and told DH that I don’t want that dog anywhere near DS. DH told me I was overreacting and it’s fine, that the dog was growling because it must have sensed I was nervous. But the growling was immediately after DS and I walked into the room. There was no way that was a friendly growl.

MIL and SIL were busy chatting so they didn’t notice it, so I’m pretty sure they thought I was being dramatic but SIL agreed to keep the big dog in the garden for the remainder of the afternoon.

We are due to go and visit at the end of May. When I was talking to my MIL yesterday and told her I don’t want that dog anywhere near DS, I could tell by her tone and her facial expression that she thought I was being silly and she didn’t really say anything either way.

I told DH this morning that I am serious and I do not want that dog anywhere near us. DH started with his explanation that the dog responded to me being nervous, but he’s very much “let’s see what happens”.

The issue is SIL doesn’t live close to PIL, so visiting us when we’re there is a full day trip for her, which is why she can’t leave the dogs at home. So me insisting that the dog can’t be near DS makes it difficult for her to visit. However, I do not trust that dog and I do not want it anywhere near DS. The dog very well may have been growling at me instead of DS, but I don’t want to take the risk to find out.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 06/05/2023 09:27

Don’t go, and only visit when she’s not there?

You can’t ban the dog from someone else’s house if they’re not on board, and it doesn’t sound like MIL is inclined to do so.

MooseBreath · 06/05/2023 09:27

YANBU.

I love dogs. I have one and trust it with my young children, but still keep an eye on them just in case.

From your description, I would not trust that dog with my children. And frankly, a dog that has killed livestock on more than one occasion should not be a household pet, let alone in the presence of a young child.

Runssometimes · 06/05/2023 09:27

Big dog lover here and my DS has grown up with a large dog so I’m pretty relaxed that kids and dogs can interact well. But no way would I be comfortable in this situation. A large dog that’s attacked other animals doesn’t necessarily mean it’s dangerous to people but given it also growled at you ok entering a room.. yeah I wouldn’t have my child anywhere near it YANBU

Ohdofuckofdear · 06/05/2023 09:48

No YANBU!

Stick to your guns OP no matter what your DH or his family say God forbid but if that dog went for your child there'd be noway of taking that damage back!

I say this as someone that loves Dogs,owns 2 and has been raised amongst big Dogs(Greyhounds)and had my own beloved Greyhound until he passed away from old age.

None of our Dogs or the Dogs my parents owned when I was growing up have bared they're teeth or growled at anyone if they had I'd be keeping them away from all children including my own and taking the Dog straight to the vet for a health check.

You are in the right and they are in the wrong and if it was me I'd be asking my DH if he would be happy for our child to become another statistic and story in the paper where another young child has been hurt or worse by somebody else's dog!

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 06/05/2023 09:54

YANBU

There's a few solutions here, DSIL pays for Doggy Daycare, none of you go for the visit or just DH goes without DS.

This is not your fault and fir your DH to blame it on you is fucking outrageous.

anunlikelyseahorse · 06/05/2023 09:56

Can't she visit on different days?
Her dog is clearly unhappy, you are clearly unhappy.
Her dog is clearly communicating that it's feeling Ill at ease. The growl is a very, very clear sign it doesn't want you/ your son in its vicinity.
Your dh and your sil are bloody idiots. She's not even putting her dog first, she's putting it in a situation where it's getting riled.
Personally I'd leave. It's not safe, a bite from dog will likely need antibiotics as a minimum, surgery if it rips the skin, psychological it's likely to lead to a fear of dogs, increase your fear round dogs, could lead to significant trauma depending on the type of attack...and absolutely NONE of this needs to happen.
You DH is pandering to his sister and ignoring you and putting his son at risk....it speaks volumes about his attitude to the two people he's suppose to love.

ThePensivePig · 06/05/2023 09:57

YANBU. Dog owner / lover here, but no. Not worth the risk. In your SiL's situation, I'd arrange for doggy daycare.

moggiek · 06/05/2023 10:09

Another dog lover here. Please, please don’t take the risk.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/05/2023 10:12

This dog has killed more than one sheep? So your sister in law doesn't have any control over the dog and is prepared to put her dog having a nice walk first over the life of another animal? That's insane

Original poster
GreeneryParsonage · 06/05/2023 10:12

If she didn’t visit when we are at PIL, we wouldn’t see her at all. DH is close to his sister and hates that he doesn’t see her that often as it is.

I think I will just need to put my foot down. I’ve always been worried to not offend, not come across difficult, not seem unreasonable but this is one of those things where I really don’t think I am unreasonable but I was starting to doubt myself. I think if she brings both dogs round, I will take DS out and if it means she is won’t see DS, then so be it.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 06/05/2023 10:14

If she didn’t visit when we are at PIL, we wouldn’t see her at all. DH is close to his sister and hates that he doesn’t see her that often as it is

So he can arrange to go and see her another time.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2023 10:14

I'm a lifelong dog owner and dog lover, and there is no way in hell I'd allow my child around that dog.

Original poster
GreeneryParsonage · 06/05/2023 10:15

I don’t know much about the sheep incidents, I just know it’s been more than once. They live very rural so I think the dogs been free to run around off lead and there’s been a 2-3 times it has then attacked sheep. Don’t know if it’s the same farmer or if the farmer(s) know who it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreeneryParsonage · 06/05/2023 10:15

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 06/05/2023 10:14

If she didn’t visit when we are at PIL, we wouldn’t see her at all. DH is close to his sister and hates that he doesn’t see her that often as it is

So he can arrange to go and see her another time.

Good point, that is also an option.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 06/05/2023 10:16

GreeneryParsonage · 06/05/2023 10:15

I don’t know much about the sheep incidents, I just know it’s been more than once. They live very rural so I think the dogs been free to run around off lead and there’s been a 2-3 times it has then attacked sheep. Don’t know if it’s the same farmer or if the farmer(s) know who it was.

If she's unresponsive enough to let it happen, then not learn and let it happen again she shouldn't have dogs, let alone big dogs near to your DS. She's lucky the Farmer didn't shoot it.

PimpMyFridge · 06/05/2023 10:29

Just keep calmly stating that the dig growled at you and asked it's teeth. Whether that was because you were nervous is irrelevant. Your Ds is like a marshmallow in terms of vulnerability and whilst you accept the dog is a much loved pet and logistics means it will be at the house, you don't intend to find out whether you're concerns were valid after your Ds has suffered injury, you intend to apply the precautionary principle and take simple steps to ensure the dog and child are not put in the position of being a trigger and suckling up the consequences.

Say this decision protects everyone in the situation, the dog from possibly causing harm that could see it being euthanased, the child from injury and the family from a life of regret.

You can say, that you can see they feel this is unnecessary but as the consequences of them being wrong (that this dog is cast iron safe around small unpredictable creatures who make funny noises) are so great you are going to require physical separation anyway.
You can say you appreciate this is inconvenient, you aren't trying to spoil anyone's day and it would be easier if we all behaved as though nothing could possibly go wrong, but you feel this inconvenience is worth it to prevent the worst.

PimpMyFridge · 06/05/2023 10:31

Your DH is a fool for not trusting his wife when she says the dog growled and taking a cavalier attitude to his Ds. Anyone who really knows dogs doesn't dismiss a growl - it's clear communication that the dog isn't happy (the reason is irrelevant) and if you ignore that you set dog and child up to fail.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 06/05/2023 10:33

When I read the OP I was so nervous that the dog loons would be out saying YABU as the dog wouldn't hurt a fly. Thankfully it looks to be about 100% in favour of YADNBU to be concerned and not allow any sort of contact.

I hope SiL paid the farmer the full price for the destroyed sheep/s value.

2ndMrsdeWinter · 06/05/2023 10:33

I am a dog lover and owner (of a small breed). I will not let any dog I don’t know near my children because ‘see what happens’ isn’t the kind of life risk I take with my children’s LIVES.

PimpMyFridge · 06/05/2023 10:35

The fact the dog has killed sheep more than once tells you the sil believes the dog can do no wrong and that belief overrules all evidence to the contrary.
There is a dog in our village who got out if his garden and killed a sheep... Once. The owner paid the farmer and the dog has never been unsupervised since - responsible owner.
Your sil (and pil, and your DH for going along with it) has a massive blind spot over this dog.

Ask your DH whether it matters if the dog growled because of a nervous person, or is the fact it growled the important thing (dog is saying it isn't happy).
Ask him if his conscience can survive his Ds needing stitches, losing his face or being killed.
Tell him you understand the family politics makes this tricky but he needs to support you.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/05/2023 10:42

My advice would be to stay in a neutral location (so not with PIL) and any visits/meet ups are do e in a neutral location where dogs are not allowed.

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 06/05/2023 10:44

Totally get this and I would not be happy. When DD was 6 months old I was attacked by a Doberman from behind. I didn't hear or see it before it bit me so it was totally unprovoked and baby wasn't crying. It had just crept out of the garden gate. The owners said it was 'friendly' afterwards.

I had a huge bite mark and had to have antibiotics etc. Thank god a neighbour came out as I dread to think what had happened otherwise.

Always trust your gut feeling x

PinedApple · 06/05/2023 10:47

Love dogs and have two labs and am totally on your side. Growling and bearing teeth signals an extremely uncomfortable dog - mine have never done that and if they did when someone / a child came in the room I would manage that situation immediately by removing the dogs. It's not on and I'm sorry you've not had any support!!

Soontobe60 · 06/05/2023 10:47

I don’t think your MIL wants you to visit I’m afraid!

Odile13 · 06/05/2023 10:49

YANBU. Can’t stand it when people think you should just take their word that their scary, large dog is ‘only being friendly’ and ‘safe’. I used to hate visiting my aunt and uncle as a child as they had a heavy set big dog which seemed to make a beeline for me. I was terrified.