To be mad at husband messaging another woman?

[Mumof3andlab]

Hello,

so I just wondered if I am being unreasonable to be mad at DH. My DH is usually quite shy, hates small talk with strangers but the last month or so he’s mentioned this woman, who he keeps bumping into on the dog walk. He said she is friendly but he finds it really awkward.

Tonight I find out she asked to give him her number and he messaged her, chat was all PG but he didn’t tell me about it and clearly didn’t want me to know.

I also did not see any mention of a wife in his messages so whilst he says it was just a ‘normal conversation’ I said you are giving her the impression that you might be into her, rather than declining her number and saying sorry he is married.

He has never messaged anyone else before, never cheated, been together 10 years. Of course he thinks I’m over reacting. AIBU??

I don't think you're over reacting.

I just don't get if it's nothing why try hide it?

Clearly doesn't find it that awkward if he said yes to giving her his number and texting..

He seems very naive about this. Doesn't he appreciate how inappropriate it is?

If it's nothing why is he trying to hide it? Why not mention he is married?

Hmmm... I wouldn't like the secrecy either.

Secrecy or he just didn’t info you about it?

I can’t imagine having to run to tell I’m texting with a new acquaintance.
That seems crazy and exhausting way to go through life.

How did you find out?

Next time he is taking the dog for a walk, suggest you tag along with him, see what his reaction is.

Nip this in the bud now.
He should not have given her his number.

I don’t think an opposite sex friend is a problem as long as you’re clear that you’re married. I don’t think he should have to decline her offering her phone number, it’s ok to make friends. It’s only a problem if he’s texting and hasn’t told her he’s married. Which apparently he hasn’t.

I wouldn't even ask or tell him i'm coming. I'd just get ready and leave with him

He hid it because he knew you wouldn't be happy about it, it's as simple as that.

He is now digging himself into a hole. Ask him to be upfront with her and tell her he's married and that you want to meet her.

Go with him on the dog walk. Be friendly, say you wanted to meet her. She should then go away if it's an innocent mistake. If not your hubby is getting something from her he feels he doesn't get from your relationship, so talk, find out what it is and fix it.

YANBU.

How did he "clearly not want you to know"? Mine has a commitment and work that involve loads of women and he's as pally with some of them as well as the men. If I tried to keep up with everyone he was texting (about boring shite) I'd never get a thing done.

Tell him to mention you in a message just so she knows he's not available if you must

Surely an adult man is not this naive?

My DH is very naive and genuinely wouldn't recognise if a woman was flirting with him.

However, he would definitely know that giving a woman his number, messaging her and not telling me add up to a very inappropriate situation!

The mentioning of her has now escalated to messages, I'd be concerned that he is either interested in her or she's interested in him as he's not making it clear he has a wife.

I wouldn't have a problem with my DH messaging other women, but then he would tell me about it - and knowing him he'd suggest I come along and meet them (he likes to include me if he enjoys seeing someone himself - don't always go though, as I think it's important he has time to himself with those people as well!). Any chance you can start walking with him some of the time? That way, you might bump into this lady. If it's genuinely innocent, then it won't be a problem.

What did he do to hide it from you? Does he wear a wedding ring?

It's a bit odd. I'm not sure I'd be going for her jugular just yet though. She might just be an oddball or lonely.

I said you are giving her the impression that you might be into her

I think that unless they are actually flirting with each other, then he's giving her the impression that he wants to be friends more than being into her.

I'd be more interested in why he felt he couldn't tell me.

Who are all these naive men who don't realise when they're being flirted with 🤨

I mean, honestly. He's a grown adult - he knows exactly what he's doing.

I can’t see the issue, no flirting, he’s allowed to be friends with a member of the opposite sex surely?

@Dibbydoos smart advice!

It’s the secrecy above all else. Had he told you throughout I don’t think you’d have felt as bad. The fact he hasn’t mentioned you to her is a huge red flag too obviously. I’m guessing he fancies her hence keeping their phone contact secret, not wanting you to know and not telling her he’s married.

He is not naive.

He's not a teenage boy confused about the girl down the road, he’s a grown arse man giving out his number to another woman, keeping it secret from you and not making it clear he’s married.

He’s crossed a serious boundary.

This!

Start walking the dog yourself for fitness reasons and see if he finds other reasons to go out. Go same time as he usually does. She might see you with the dog, who will recognise her. Or more simply, habe it out with him. This does not seem innocent.