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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at husband messaging another woman?

85 replies

Mumof3andlab · 06/05/2023 06:35

Hello,

so I just wondered if I am being unreasonable to be mad at DH. My DH is usually quite shy, hates small talk with strangers but the last month or so he’s mentioned this woman, who he keeps bumping into on the dog walk. He said she is friendly but he finds it really awkward.

Tonight I find out she asked to give him her number and he messaged her, chat was all PG but he didn’t tell me about it and clearly didn’t want me to know.

I also did not see any mention of a wife in his messages so whilst he says it was just a ‘normal conversation’ I said you are giving her the impression that you might be into her, rather than declining her number and saying sorry he is married.

He has never messaged anyone else before, never cheated, been together 10 years. Of course he thinks I’m over reacting. AIBU??

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 06/05/2023 15:35

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/05/2023 13:20

I'd ask him how many men dog walkers he has exchanged numbers with.

A fair thing to ask I'd say!

SaraGeeHickaBee · 06/05/2023 15:45

Wait a sec, am I misunderstanding... he send a picture of your dog to her and labeled it 'your boy' the 'your' meaning her?? WTF?

Oxo01 · 06/05/2023 16:03

As BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz said
ask him how many men dog walkers he has exchanged numbers with.
And I would also get his ring enlarged so he can wear it.
See what he says then, probably your controlling !

Famzonhol · 06/05/2023 17:47

C1N1C · 06/05/2023 13:19

See above^
This is the reason he didn't tell you.

So a man takes his dog for a walk, a woman becomes friends with him, they chat on the phone and you come on MN to be told he's cheating/untrustworthy???

You asked, and he told you straight, and this is your response? He didn't lie and say it was a mate. He told you straight. Had he told you when it happened, I bet you'd still be here asking, and you'd still be getting the same response!

I don't get why men and women can't be just friends... did you dump all of your male friends when you married him?

But presumably you don’t lie to your spouse. And presumably your male friends know you’re married.
How good a friend can your male friend be if he doesn’t know this basic fact?

AP5Diva · 06/05/2023 18:02

YABU
Theres nothing wrong with having chats with fellow dog walkers and perhaps even becoming friends. I would presume she knows your husband is taken in the conversations they’ve had so there would be no need to put in “I’m married” in a text. If you are that insecure just ask him “She knows we are married right?”

It’s obvious he didn’t want you to know, because your view is that he should have declined her number. He knows you are insecure about him having any contact with other women.

The conversation was PG/innocent by what you said, so I don’t agree he is giving an impression of being into her. We need to stop with the societal view that men are always up for it and can’t be platonic friends with women.

1FootInTheRave · 06/05/2023 18:06

Oh c'mon op.

You know this isn't innocent.

As does he.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 06/05/2023 21:31

AP5Diva · 06/05/2023 18:02

YABU
Theres nothing wrong with having chats with fellow dog walkers and perhaps even becoming friends. I would presume she knows your husband is taken in the conversations they’ve had so there would be no need to put in “I’m married” in a text. If you are that insecure just ask him “She knows we are married right?”

It’s obvious he didn’t want you to know, because your view is that he should have declined her number. He knows you are insecure about him having any contact with other women.

The conversation was PG/innocent by what you said, so I don’t agree he is giving an impression of being into her. We need to stop with the societal view that men are always up for it and can’t be platonic friends with women.

Gosh, you’re trusting (naive) 😆 there’s nowt innocent about this.

Original poster
Mumof3andlab · 06/05/2023 22:55

AP5Diva · 06/05/2023 18:02

YABU
Theres nothing wrong with having chats with fellow dog walkers and perhaps even becoming friends. I would presume she knows your husband is taken in the conversations they’ve had so there would be no need to put in “I’m married” in a text. If you are that insecure just ask him “She knows we are married right?”

It’s obvious he didn’t want you to know, because your view is that he should have declined her number. He knows you are insecure about him having any contact with other women.

The conversation was PG/innocent by what you said, so I don’t agree he is giving an impression of being into her. We need to stop with the societal view that men are always up for it and can’t be platonic friends with women.

Sadly you’re wrong. He had told her we were separated but living together. I know my husband, I know when he’s lying and being devious.

j actually messaged the woman myself as I knew I couldn’t trust his word and she thought he was into her and that the texts would lead to them meeting up as single people.

husband is now of course full of remorse, knows he was wrong for telling her we were not together but apparently we had an argument that day and I said I wasn’t staying with him, poor excuse. So that is the end of that story!

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 06/05/2023 23:00

Mumof3andlab · 06/05/2023 22:55

Sadly you’re wrong. He had told her we were separated but living together. I know my husband, I know when he’s lying and being devious.

j actually messaged the woman myself as I knew I couldn’t trust his word and she thought he was into her and that the texts would lead to them meeting up as single people.

husband is now of course full of remorse, knows he was wrong for telling her we were not together but apparently we had an argument that day and I said I wasn’t staying with him, poor excuse. So that is the end of that story!

Show quote history

This doesn't sound like a good relationship at all.

Wellhowdeedoo · 06/05/2023 23:36

So sorry to hear the outcome, OP - Hope you’re okay.

You don’t have to accept this behaviour, though - dishonesty isn’t a trait, it’s a hurtful, devious action and one that you shouldn’t just accept

RunThroughTheJungle · 06/05/2023 23:42

My husband started a harmless chat with a colleague at the beginning of March, it grew into a full grown emotional affair and we have now parted after 25 years together, coz the sad twat old man caught the feels.

I'm not saying men and women can't be friends, but everything has to be completely above board and boundaries in place. I somehow manage to simply be friends with men without completely losing my mind and throwing away my family 🤷‍♀️

SweetSakura · 06/05/2023 23:45

I'm not saying men and women can't be friends, but everything has to be completely above board and boundaries in place.

Exactly

SweetSakura · 06/05/2023 23:45

So sorry @RunThroughTheJungle Flowers I bet he ends up regretting it, even if he can never admit it

AMuser · 06/05/2023 23:46

My BiL met his AP dog walking.

Divorcedalongtime · 06/05/2023 23:49

I’ve never understood this m possessive nature of most people.
move texted with loads of people, married and single, about shared interests or similar work, and it’s never meant anything more than it being nice to chat to someone you speak easily with.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/05/2023 07:53

Mumof3andlab · 06/05/2023 22:55

Sadly you’re wrong. He had told her we were separated but living together. I know my husband, I know when he’s lying and being devious.

j actually messaged the woman myself as I knew I couldn’t trust his word and she thought he was into her and that the texts would lead to them meeting up as single people.

husband is now of course full of remorse, knows he was wrong for telling her we were not together but apparently we had an argument that day and I said I wasn’t staying with him, poor excuse. So that is the end of that story!

Show quote history

That's so bloody sad.

What are you going to do?
If you hadn't found out, would it have gone further.

If it was me I would tell him he is now single and get the fuck out!!!

WaltzingWaters · 07/05/2023 08:05

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/05/2023 07:53

That's so bloody sad.

What are you going to do?
If you hadn't found out, would it have gone further.

If it was me I would tell him he is now single and get the fuck out!!!

Show quote history

Yeah, this.
Men and women can be friends, but this clearly wasn’t his intention here with all the lies and secrecy. He was certainly enjoying the attention she gave him.

Fraaahnces · 07/05/2023 08:16

I’m so sorry. What a spineless gnome he was.

Original poster
Mumof3andlab · 07/05/2023 08:16

My plan is to leave him but it’s complicated… I’m currently applying for a job with set dream hours at work which would be amazing for supporting myself and the kids. But there’s a few other things I need to consider it’s not as easy for me to just kick him out with living costs, our house ect.

This is pretty much the final straw after tolerating many other things from him, the argument last week is related to a relapse from a previous addiction that I am pretty sure I get PTSD type symptoms from. Eugh wish life was simple.

OP posts:
Susieb2023 · 07/05/2023 08:28

I’m so sorry he turned out to be behaving in such a bloody sad cliched way. These men are so predictable.

Good luck with getting those ducks quietly in a row. You know you deserve better than this.

Crikeyohreilly · 07/05/2023 08:28

I understand everyone’s marriage is different and some people will say this is absolutely fine. They’d probably even say I’m insecure but in the world we live in today I completely agree I likely am! Anyway - for me there are boundaries in a marriage I don’t think should be crossed and this is one of them. I also think you need to frame it to him and ask how he would feel if you gave a man your number. Why does she need his number? It’s a odd set up. Even if he felt uncomfortable and on the spot when she said about the number exchange he could have changed a digit so it was the wrong number or just not messaged and openly told you. I don’t know why me do this but I just want you to know that you are right to feel upset and don’t let him or anyone else make you feel as if your feelings aren’t valid xx

Crikeyohreilly · 07/05/2023 08:31

Mumof3andlab · 07/05/2023 08:16

My plan is to leave him but it’s complicated… I’m currently applying for a job with set dream hours at work which would be amazing for supporting myself and the kids. But there’s a few other things I need to consider it’s not as easy for me to just kick him out with living costs, our house ect.

This is pretty much the final straw after tolerating many other things from him, the argument last week is related to a relapse from a previous addiction that I am pretty sure I get PTSD type symptoms from. Eugh wish life was simple.

You’ve got this! And don’t be afraid to get legal advice regarding your financial situation - too many women feel trapped and stay in relationships because of a money control but the law is often more on your side than you’d think. Be strong and keep your head up x

GoldenFarfalle · 07/05/2023 08:39

AMuser · 06/05/2023 23:46

My BiL met his AP dog walking.

What's AP?

Goodadvice1980 · 07/05/2023 08:43

GoldenFarfalle · 07/05/2023 08:39

What's AP?

Show quote history

Affair partner

cnfused · 07/05/2023 08:46

I'm sorry but I would divorce my husband if he took a woman's number outside (non work related) I don't believe in any reason a woman would have gave her number if she wasn't I interested.

I don't care how new age you think you are. That is so crossing a line.

I would be furious if I was you.