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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect 5yo DC to clean up after themselves?

78 replies

WhoSaidWhat123 · 05/05/2023 21:09

I think I’ve reached my limit tonight (overwhelmed and burnt our Mum here!). DD is very messy, does not clean up after herself at all, for example, she likes to draw, she’ll bring her box of felt tips to the lounge and draw lots, and once finished she will leave several paper on the floor, as well as the big box of felt tips and she’ll go on to do something else, like play with her Barbie’s, when finished she will leave them all over her bedroom floor, as well as the next thing she plays with, and the next! To which I then am always the “bossy” one who has to tell her to clean after herself, to which she sulks and moans and tries to refuse. To try and stop the mess in the lounge I bought DD her own desk and storage unit to store all her crafts but her desk is just covered in paper or things she collects so there is no room for her on the desk!!

AIBU to expect her to clean up after herself either tidy after each time she plays, before getting something else or before she goes to bed? While I was telling her yesterday that she can’t leave a mess on the lounge floor and expect me to clean it up, DH said “she’s only 5” to which today, when I was telling DD to clear her bedroom floor or she can go straight to bed with no shower she started crying and said that “she’s only 5” to which I just got so upset with DH because she’s obviously picking up on things he’s saying. Tonight she had so much toys all over her floor literally half her bedroom floor was covered in toys!

DH was brought up with his Mum cleaning up after him. He never had to do a single chore. Never had to make his own bed even. So he is the same, doesn’t tidy up after himself, doesn’t “see mess” as he says. The house is so tidy during the day because I’ll clean up after myself (on maternity with a newborn at the moment), and I’ll spend the morning cleaning and then when DD and DH comes home it’s just chaos. I know children make a mess, but surely they should clean up after themselves or not make such a mess?

I also got upset with DH tonight because it seems the options I have is
a. I carry on tidying up after everyone and just be miserable, or
b. I get used to everyone’s mess and accept living in a tip, or
c. I carry on being the “bossy” parent (which I really don’t want because I grew up with one).

or everyone just tidies up after themselves, which IMO is the best option for all, especially me!

OP posts:
Applequash · 05/05/2023 21:13

Of course you can

the issue here is your DH doesn’t clean up after himself so it’s going to be hard to not look like a hypocrite for expecting a 5 year old to do what a grown man isnt

why did you breed with this overgrown child?

Dontlistitonfacebook · 05/05/2023 21:14

Neither of my two would have managed this consistently at that age. She needs you to tidy up with her first I think. That's how she will learn.

Stressfordays · 05/05/2023 21:15

My 5 year old is the same and I spend a lot of time reminding her to tidy up after herself. My older 2 (7 and 10) are now very good at putting things away so I think if you keep reminding them, it does eventually click.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/05/2023 21:18

Tbh, l never made mine tidy much up. It was easier to do it myself. They grew up to be very tidy. And Ds cooks cleans and all the rest.

Movingonupi · 05/05/2023 21:20

My 5 year old is exactly the same, I always wonder whether it’s age appropriate to expect them to automatically clean up after themselves. When I ask her she sometimes does, but most of the time I end up cleaning up after her…I dunno! 🤷‍♀️

SemperIdem · 05/05/2023 21:20

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want her to do it, but you might need to manage your expectations a bit (I also have to do this so it’s not a criticism)…so do it with her, or let her start and then finish off etc. That’s your DH as well, not just you.

theWarOnPeace · 05/05/2023 21:21

Deal with your lazy husband first, I reckon. It’s not something you’re going to build into her if your husband continues to treat you like the help.

Excellentbex · 05/05/2023 21:22

At 5 mine still needed reminders / help figuring out how clean up.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 05/05/2023 21:25

At 5 my mother would allow me to make a lot of mess in the sitting room, blanket forts, drawing stuff, my dollhouse and lego everywhere, but, it had to all be cleaned away before tea. There was no TV until the sitting room was tidied. If your DD is old enough to take toys out, she is old enough to put them back. It isn't hard to put pens and paper inside her desk, and put her dolls back in her room.

My room was a tip and my mother didn't bother about that (only making sure I had an escape path in the event of a fire) but the rest of the house had to be tidy.

WellRested · 05/05/2023 21:26

My three year old only needs a gentle nudge to tidy up things she's been playing with before moving on, but it's always in a positive way like 'ooh Barbie's sounds fun but we need to pack up the crayons first so we've got more room to play / they won't get lost / broken'

And I will help her if it's a lot to tidy up. But I do think part of that is her nature, and also me and DH are both pretty good at modelling tidying things up after an activity, so I think that's part of it too

So I don't think it's unreasonable.to.think her capable of doing it but maybe try for less of a nagging and more of a positive approach when asking? (Which will be hard when you've asked a million times already and if your DH isn't on side)

BHRK · 05/05/2023 21:29

My 5yo doesn’t have to a clue how to clean up after herself. My 11yo can just about manage it, sometimes still with reminders.
I think you’re expecting far too much of a 5yo.
your husband is a different matter

Dressertv · 05/05/2023 21:29

Put on the tidy up song before bed and everyone has to help tidy up. We also brought in chores which involved, getting dressed, making bed and tidyin mg up toys which seems to have helped

Dressertv · 05/05/2023 21:30

Tidy up song will then apply to DH too 😂

BelindaBears · 05/05/2023 21:31

My 5 year old wouldn’t tidy up unprompted. She’s always been involved in tidying up her toys since she was capable of doing so, but it’s still like it’s never occurred to her when I ask her to!

Original poster
WhoSaidWhat123 · 05/05/2023 21:32

I do remind her, and I’m always there with her and happily help when I can, but recently she has been point blank refusing and just crying and sulking not wanting to clean.

In the past it’s been me who has been cleaning her room, and it honestly takes like 2 hours sorting everything!! And I used to do it once a month, as in a “deep clean” of tidying everything, her wardrobes, drawers, book case etc. But all I’m wanting now is that she just tidies away her toys at the end of each play or the end of the day so it doesn’t get out of control.

Definitely agree with DH needing to be a better example also. I do blame him if I’m honest. I’ve told him that she learns from us so if he needs to try and help me with being a better example for her.

I grew up with a very messy Mum in a very messy house so maybe that’s why I hate clutter these days. But also we’ll have a little one crawling in a few months so don’t want her picking up things she shouldn’t be picking up. And I just find it so much easier keeping things once we’re done rather than having to do a big tidy after the end of the day 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoSaidWhat123 · 05/05/2023 21:32

Dressertv · 05/05/2023 21:30

Tidy up song will then apply to DH too 😂

😂😂

OP posts:
Inthesamesinkingboat · 05/05/2023 21:34

The problem is with the husband not the child. He’s turning you into the nag.

HadalyEve · 05/05/2023 21:35

Your expectations are too high for a 5yo. Most 5yos can clean in a helper role with a parent or older sibling. They can’t really clean up after themselves, by themselves. They often flit around with playing too, so will not want to put away drawing stuff right away as they are probably planning to come back to it after a break with dolls or whatever just using your examples. We used to set aside fifteen minutes before the bedtime routine as tidy up time and we would tidy up with our DC at that age. It wasn’t until around 8 that they could be given a tidying task and do it on their own. Then it was 10 when they became responsible for their bedrooms.

HadalyEve · 05/05/2023 21:36

By we I mean DH and I plus the DC all tidying toys the fifteen minutes before bath/story/bed. I would not accept anyone sitting out.

HaroldeVwilliam · 05/05/2023 21:37

I'm happy to have pens and paper left out it means they can continue with the it flow.

However getting out lots of other toy sets I would limit to one.

Re expecting too much, yes you definitely are.

I have two dc and one is naturally a tidyer but not great in other ways... One is not a natural tidyer but very good with teeth and perosnal care etc.

She can't just do it because you expect it. Other parents may expect her to learn all her tables by 5 or read a novel or do ballet. Its doesn't make it reasonable because you expect it.

You need to change your pen thinking. You need to help her learn how to do it when it's fun and light hearted.
You need to help her only have two things out at a time so she gets into the habit of not pulling everything out.

She also needs something freedom it's her house also.

HaroldeVwilliam · 05/05/2023 21:38

Oh dear my prediction text is dreadful

Original poster
WhoSaidWhat123 · 05/05/2023 21:38

Inthesamesinkingboat · 05/05/2023 21:34

The problem is with the husband not the child. He’s turning you into the nag.

@Inthesamesinkingboat that definitely is a huge issue in this house.

I never want to nag believe me, but I do. But it’s not unreasonable nagging, it’s ‘put your rubbish in the bin, stop leaving shoes in the middle of the lounge (because it will end up with 5 pairs of shoes in the lounge!), stop leaving dirty hoodies/jackets in the lounge, stop leaving dirty cups in the office, close the cupboard door after yourself, keep your tools out of reach of children when you’re done with them, or better yet put back in the garage!’, they’re things he as an adult should already be doing!!

OP posts:
WillowtreeHouse · 05/05/2023 21:40

But she IS only five. She should help clean up obviously, but it sounds like you expect her to have a dust and go round with the hoover. Teach her how to do it and maybe get a reward chart or something? I think threatening a 5 year old early to bed without a shower is a bit much.

HousePlantNeglect · 05/05/2023 21:41

I reckon at this stage they still need help and reminding and hopefully eventually it will become a habit!? My eldest is 6 and I still have to remind/encourage him. Sometimes there is point blank refusal. When he’s in that mood I go with ‘I’ll put x away, you put y away’ and it tends to work.

HaroldeVwilliam · 05/05/2023 21:44

Op I do all those things though. We have cupboard doors open I'm currently in a room with several pairs of large male shoes, he has left rusty saws out.

I go in and out of rooms with what I can carry if I ask him he gets very upset.

You need to address it and get to the bottom of it or just accept it or get a cleaner in.