To expect 5yo DC to clean up after themselves?

[WhoSaidWhat123]

I think I’ve reached my limit tonight (overwhelmed and burnt our Mum here!). DD is very messy, does not clean up after herself at all, for example, she likes to draw, she’ll bring her box of felt tips to the lounge and draw lots, and once finished she will leave several paper on the floor, as well as the big box of felt tips and she’ll go on to do something else, like play with her Barbie’s, when finished she will leave them all over her bedroom floor, as well as the next thing she plays with, and the next! To which I then am always the “bossy” one who has to tell her to clean after herself, to which she sulks and moans and tries to refuse. To try and stop the mess in the lounge I bought DD her own desk and storage unit to store all her crafts but her desk is just covered in paper or things she collects so there is no room for her on the desk!!

AIBU to expect her to clean up after herself either tidy after each time she plays, before getting something else or before she goes to bed? While I was telling her yesterday that she can’t leave a mess on the lounge floor and expect me to clean it up, DH said “she’s only 5” to which today, when I was telling DD to clear her bedroom floor or she can go straight to bed with no shower she started crying and said that “she’s only 5” to which I just got so upset with DH because she’s obviously picking up on things he’s saying. Tonight she had so much toys all over her floor literally half her bedroom floor was covered in toys!

DH was brought up with his Mum cleaning up after him. He never had to do a single chore. Never had to make his own bed even. So he is the same, doesn’t tidy up after himself, doesn’t “see mess” as he says. The house is so tidy during the day because I’ll clean up after myself (on maternity with a newborn at the moment), and I’ll spend the morning cleaning and then when DD and DH comes home it’s just chaos. I know children make a mess, but surely they should clean up after themselves or not make such a mess?

I also got upset with DH tonight because it seems the options I have is
a. I carry on tidying up after everyone and just be miserable, or
b. I get used to everyone’s mess and accept living in a tip, or
c. I carry on being the “bossy” parent (which I really don’t want because I grew up with one).

or everyone just tidies up after themselves, which IMO is the best option for all, especially me!

You need to be consistent and enforce some rules. Make her join in , and help deciding them. A small list of non negotiables.Like tidy up before you take something else out, have a little bin handy for her rubbish , put clothes away in the wash basket/wardrobe right away etc. You can even use little rewards as an incentive by gathering up points or stickers and marbles and then she gets some pocket money or a little treat at a certain number. Constant reminders and offer help/do it with her/make it fun. That can stop once it becomes habit. That's what you are actually aiming for. A habit of picking up after herself so it's instinctive.

It will take a long time, and there will be days when she can't be bothered, she's tired etc but eventually it will work and you won't have to nag.

OH is messy as fuck (I used to be too before DD) , but that is irrelevant because I started when she was a toddler with rules and instilled the habit of tidying up. We spent hours tidying up her dolls house .

From babyhood DS was told 'it's pack-away time!' and we'd (I'd) put everything away.

So by the time he was a toddler, it was just ingrained that 'packaway time!' (said as though it's really exciting) meant you tidied up after yourself.

I usually only had one packaway time, at the end of the day (before tea), but if you have a messy child, you can do it any time. And that's sort of part of it - packaway time means something is about to happen - food, bath, shops, whatever.

If I were you, I'd do it myself to begin with, and just ignore her moaning. Children want to please and so she will soon start joining in - especially if you are SO happy with any little bit she does!! I'd also be honest and say each time she didn't join in "I'm really sad you didn't join in with packaway time". It's part of getting her to understand that the things she does have effects on others.

And DH needs to be onboard, sohe needs to understand that bringing her up to be a slob is not doing her any favours.

Some good advice here thank you.

I know consistency is key and I need to get DH on board with modelling good behaviour too.

To answer some of the questions that have been brought up;

It wasn’t a punishment me telling DD she couldn’t have shower, and I know it’s basic hygiene and not a reward, she showers or bathes at least every other day anyway. It’s just that it was late and she wanted to wash her hair but I said she couldn’t have a shower because she left tidying up her toys too late.

Also, I didn’t all of a sudden expect DD to tidy at 7pm, I know that’s late. I had actually asked her and DH to tidy up before I began cooking dinner so obviously I was busy cooking, then we ate dinner, and then I was with our baby and I reminded them, and then all of a sudden it was 7pm and no toys tidied up.

I see how I might expect a little too much from DD, not because of her age, because IMO and some others 5 year olds should be able to tidy up after themselves since they are asked to in school. But I’m expecting too much because she’s obviously picked up her Dad’s behaviour so it needs to be addressed with him before her.

I also allow her to bring toys/pens to the lounge, I’m not disallowing the initial mess. I actually encourage her to bring things to the lounge because I can draw or play with her while baby is in her rocker. So it’s not me that’s saying she’s not allowed to make a mess to begin with, she totally is. But what I’m expecting is that the mess in the lounge especially is tidied up when she’s done.

I am more relaxed with mess in her room, as in toys all mixed up in her baskets, toys left out but that are not in a pile, but play sets that are at one end of the room that she tends to play with often, like sylvanian family buildings.

I get I should be rotating toys, because she does have a lot, and I do rotate but I put the toys in her wardrobe which is a walk in wardrobe, but all her toys tend to be little things like hatchimals, lego, little disney characters, so when they’re out they are everywhere and the 2 hours I take to tidy is when I do a proper clean and sort out all her toys to their baskets and tidy her wardrobe, sort out her books, etc. Those who rotate where do you keep them? Or do you ask them to swap something if they ask for what’s kept away?

DD has been good in the past because I have always modelled the “tidy” behaviour, and so does school, but I think while DD has been off school during the holidays and DH has been working from home DD see’s the “slack” behaviour off DH and DH also says things like “she’s only 5” when I’m asking her to do tidy her mess that’s where this behaviour from her has come from. So hopefully it’s just a minor thing that needs to be corrected through DH really!

And like I’ve said, DD has her own desk which is in the dining room and it’s an absolute mess, but it’s her mess, it’s out of the way, so I don’t mind that.