To send son's to nursery on non working day

[MammaEvz3]

For a bit of background I have 3 children ages 6, 3.5 and 18 moths and work 3 days a week. DD6 never really went to any childcare. When I went back to work after a years maternity she was looked after by my parents for 3 days a week before starting school, and they still collect her on the days which I work. DS3 was a similar situation until age 2 when he went to a preschool a couple of mornings a week for 2 hours at a time and then started half days at creche at age 3. He now does 3 half days in creche plus 5 half days in school nursery. He only goes to creche on the days which I work. My parents transport him from creche to school and pick him up after school same as DD6. DS18m is looked after by my parents 3 days a week. I realise I am incredibly lucky to have this help from my parents and don't know what I would do without them. They are amazing. But they do get tired and make comments again that make me feel very guilty. More and more often they are being roped into also helping out on one of my non working days as well for one reason or another. For example last week I had to take my car into the garage so left the boys with them in the morning etc. It makes me feel very guilty but I am not coping very well. I had PPD with my second and a history on poor mental health for many years. I get very overwhelmed and have very little time to get any jobs done that need doing around the house. DH does some things but he is out of the house 5 days a week. He does the morning school run, food shop and cooks evening meals and generally takes care of the kitchen (although not to a very high standard). Virtually everything else falls to me. Laundry alone seems like a full time job. Anyway the purpose of the post is to ask would it be unreasonable to put DSs into creche on a day which I don't work. This would mean DS3 doing an extra half day and DS18m starting when he has never been before! (This is the hardest bit!) I have tremendous guilt at the thought of putting them into childcare on a day which I don't need to work and there will eventually come a time when they are all in full time school but it just feels so far away at the moment. Also DS only started creche at 3 when we could get funding. So I'm not sure if we could afford to put DS18m in now without any funding, we possible could but things might be tight as a result. Interested to see what others do. If you always have your children when not in work etc. Thanks for reading sorry it's a bit long.

Can you change your mind with reasonable notice? So start it maybe until the summer, then think again?

There is absolutely no issue in using childcare when you need it, whether for work or home. I know SAHMs that use childcare.

Two things to consider:
If your 18 month old only goes to creche one day a week, he might find it hard to settle.

If your parents are already feeling tired, will they be annoyed that they are doing childcare 3 days a week and you are doing 1? Could you send him to creche two days a week and send him to the grandparents two days? It might help him settle in creche quicker too.

So you think you COULD but not sure if you want to because then money would be" tight "

They are literally coparenting your youngest. He is 18 months old. The worst age. I am 40 and get tired if my 18month old nephew visits for 3 hours. and you let your parents look after him 3 days a week. Eventhough they are making it quite clear they are tired and they no longer want to do all this.

You need to figure out a different plan. Asap. You are using your parents. Using them. You can't do this. You shouldn't do this.

They should be looking forward being able to babysit your child a few hours a week. Or a whole day every 2 weeks
But not 3 bloody days per week. They must be sooooo tired. and disappointed

To answer your question as to whether I always have my kids when not working - yes I do. I work 3 days a week and have my pre schooler on days when I don't work. I'm a teacher and have them both all the time during the school holidays.

I think you sound overwhelmed and I imagine a lot of that is down to the mental health issues you mention - are you getting any help with that? Because if not, will an extra day really help? It sounds like you have a huge amount of support - food shopping and cooking and some cleaning done, and parents on hand for childcare. I don't mean that to sound unkind, just that you might need more than just an extra day - maybe a GP visit or something to check what they can do to help with mental health?

I forgot to add though - I don't think there's anything wrong with using childcare on non working days. I know plenty of people who do this!

I'm not 100% sure. You are supposed to give 4 weeks notice to any changes to days/hours, but providing they had the space (which I think they do) they would probably at least start DS3 the extra half day as they would make more money from it. If I then decreased days over the summer they probably couldn't guarantee me the slots again come September. I'm not sure if it is something that is done (reducing hours over summer). I would probably put DS3 in creche less over summer anyway as we will have family holidays/days out etc but would expect to have to pay the same.

Yes that is actually what I was thinking I might do....if I do go down this path. Put DS18m in 2 half days. So he will settle better and my parents have him one day less as well.

I am not doing 1 day as obviously I do every morning, evening and night as well (and those nights are tough as my boys are not good sleepers) and of course Saturday and Sunday.

Can you afford to put the 18MO in creche 4 days a week? If yes I’d do this ASAP. 3 days a week to cover your work days because you need to take the hint from your parents that you’re asking too much, and 1 day for you to get shit done/have some time for yourself. No need to feel guilty about using childcare to benefit the family.

What I wouldn’t do is continue on as you are with your parents because the comments that make you feel guilty are them telling you that they are increasingly unhappy or put an 18MO in childcare for 1 day a week. I’ve never heard of a setting accepting so few hours and with good reason because settling would be a nightmare.

No, you wouldn't be reasonable to do this.

You already say your parents are tired of the amount of childcare they do. You should use the crèche to cover one of the days they look after your children, not take that as an extra day for yourself.

I know it's hard having young children, but putting that burden onto your parents (who did not decide to have them) isn't fair at all.

I'm saying this as someone who isn't a grandparent with young children myself.

You are way off the mark here. They are not making it clear that they no longer wish to do this. I sat down with them about a month ago when we considered getting a childminder and they insisted that they are happy to do it. They love having DS18m and tell me daily how funny his is etc. and what a shame it was that they didn't see more of DS3 at this age due to lockdown. They also think he is at a lovely age (they have told me so) so it is not the same for everyone. I check in with them regularly that they are happy with our arrangement. I just don't want to put on them any extra days, and because we have no other family to leave the children with we rarely get any time to ourselves/date nights etc, as I don't want to ask them for more.

This.

Effectively you are saying that it is fairer for your parents to have more days looking after him than you do.

I am not doing 1 day as obviously I do every morning, evening and night as well (and those nights are tough as my boys are not good sleepers) and of course Saturday and Sunday

Oh come on, my reference to 1 day was shorthand. I didn't presume that your parents took the kids out of their beds in the morning and returned them and did bedtime at night.

If you are doing mornings, evenings, nights and weekends on your own, it's probably time to have a chat with DH.

I was a sahm when mine were young and they did go to nursery 2 mornings a week from 2ish, so no issues with that at all.

I do think it’s unfair for your parents to look after your toddler 3 days a week and then you use childcare for a day you don’t even work. I’m pretty sure my parents wouldn’t be happy with that. Evenings and weekends are your responsibility and I know it’s draining, but you and DH have to get on with it yourselves or pay for more help

I don’t know what the crèche situation is with the hours they do, but I’d probably move the 3 year fully to school nursery so they can just do the school run with older child (assume same school). Presumably that would just be his free hours? Then I’d get the toddler into the crèche for at least 3 mornings a week. Maybe more. Gives your parents a breather and hopefully you too.

People age and situations change. Just because your eldest didn’t go nursery doesn’t mean your youngest shouldn’t. 3 young children is a lot for grandparents.

How do you work this out? Since when was there only 5 days in the week? I do Monday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday atm, as well as all the evenings and nights. 7 days a week.

I later added that if I was to put DS18m into creche then I would probably go for a minimum of 2 days for settling reason and to give my parents one day less as well then.

I response to a different pp no we couldn't afford 4 full days.

I do Monday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday atm, as well as all the evenings and nights. 7 days a week.

This is having kids though surely, isn't it? I do every single day as well, minus the hours I'm at work and she's in nursery. Because that's what I signed up for when I had children. I have literally no family support at all, just have to get on with it.

The school only offers half days in nursery until reception (age 5) so unfortunately it is only half days that are available to him until Sept 2024. I appreciate it may be different in other counties/in England.

Your parents love you probably worry about you but that doesn’t mean they don’t get tired and more so as every year passes and the complex schedule you have for them gives them so little time to take off on holiday go out for the day or just do their own thing. I’m sorry but you have no idea how much more tiring it is when you are in your 60s than your 30s. You need to relieve your parents not wait for them to ask.

Bit harsh.
Her parents could be early 40s for all you know, and they could have willingly offered at the time. Yes I know they are now making comments, and she needs to look into what she can do to change things, but I wouldn’t say she is purposely ‘using’ them.

I don't think you should feel guilty about an 18 month old in nursery. My 12 month old is in nursery and seems to love it. I think you can try and be open to changes though-you can take young children with you when you're doing errands -they tend to enjoy it and it breaks up the day. Also, I think your parents are doing way too much. I do often see grandparents running around with small grandchildren and they seem to be exhausted..but obviously dutiful. Don't underestimate their inability to say no to you. Think about how tired you are and imagine doing this all when you're 25 years older.

What a shitty comment telling someone with PND and mental health problems to just get on with it. Lovely.

Thank you NotaMum I have added that they are happy with our current arrangement but I just don't want to put any EXTRA on them. But yet everyone is focusing on our current arrangement.

Also thank you to all that pointed out that it wouldn't be fair for me to have a day for me and not do the same for them so yes I would put him in for 2 days.

My parents have plenty of holidays. They go away Friday-Monday regularly. They aren't keen on going abroad and like to holiday in the UK and have a longer holiday booked for the summer when DH and I will also be off with the children.

In that case 2 days a week creche- one less for your parents and one day for you sounds like a good compromise OP.

I agree with the PP saying don’t underestimate your parents’ inability to say no to you though. I’d really try to avoid asking them for extras in future. One day a week with all kids in childcare/school will help since you can always use that time to take the car to the garage etc.

So some of it seems to be that you default to asking your parents for help rather than your DH or taking your kids with you to do things like taking your car into the garage.

We don't have grandparents nearby so for that sort of thing we would either take the kids along with us or the other parent would look after them.

If you can't cope without buying in extra childcare, do it, it's not worth breaking yourself over but if you feel very guilty about it, getting your DH to share more of the load would help. Your parents currently seem to do more looking after the kids than your DH does which doesn't seem right to me.

I think finance wise it would be cheaper to have a cleaner?
And sounds like you need a system for laundry. Bring a load down night before, DH puts it on a timer so it finishes when you come in from work, you hang it out/tumble dry whatever going can, next day one you
folds in back in to the basket it came down in and it goes upstairs? Next day the new load comes down?

But yes of course it’s fine to put your DS in childcare when you’re at home. Personally I would feel I was leaning far too much on my parents asking them for three days a week but if you’re all happY then there’s no problem.