To send son's to nursery on non working day

[MammaEvz3]

For a bit of background I have 3 children ages 6, 3.5 and 18 moths and work 3 days a week. DD6 never really went to any childcare. When I went back to work after a years maternity she was looked after by my parents for 3 days a week before starting school, and they still collect her on the days which I work. DS3 was a similar situation until age 2 when he went to a preschool a couple of mornings a week for 2 hours at a time and then started half days at creche at age 3. He now does 3 half days in creche plus 5 half days in school nursery. He only goes to creche on the days which I work. My parents transport him from creche to school and pick him up after school same as DD6. DS18m is looked after by my parents 3 days a week. I realise I am incredibly lucky to have this help from my parents and don't know what I would do without them. They are amazing. But they do get tired and make comments again that make me feel very guilty. More and more often they are being roped into also helping out on one of my non working days as well for one reason or another. For example last week I had to take my car into the garage so left the boys with them in the morning etc. It makes me feel very guilty but I am not coping very well. I had PPD with my second and a history on poor mental health for many years. I get very overwhelmed and have very little time to get any jobs done that need doing around the house. DH does some things but he is out of the house 5 days a week. He does the morning school run, food shop and cooks evening meals and generally takes care of the kitchen (although not to a very high standard). Virtually everything else falls to me. Laundry alone seems like a full time job. Anyway the purpose of the post is to ask would it be unreasonable to put DSs into creche on a day which I don't work. This would mean DS3 doing an extra half day and DS18m starting when he has never been before! (This is the hardest bit!) I have tremendous guilt at the thought of putting them into childcare on a day which I don't need to work and there will eventually come a time when they are all in full time school but it just feels so far away at the moment. Also DS only started creche at 3 when we could get funding. So I'm not sure if we could afford to put DS18m in now without any funding, we possible could but things might be tight as a result. Interested to see what others do. If you always have your children when not in work etc. Thanks for reading sorry it's a bit long.

The grandparents are tired and the fact they have told u means u need to stop putting on them so much as it’s not fair, they r yr kids not theirs.
U sound like u need help, go visit yr GP and get yrself some mental health help and see if u can get booked onto a parenting course so u don’t feel so overwhelmed with everyday tasks.

But in a sense you do have to get on with it - because at the end of the day the kids still have to be fed/played with/put to bed, regardless of how you feel. That is one of the hard parts of parenting. And not everyone has as robust and frequent support system as you do. Eg being able to drop kids off at grandparents while you take your car to the garage rather than just take them with you like those of us with no family support have to do.

Your compromise of 2 days crèche 2 days grandparents sounds balanced and hopefully buys you some breathing space but won't necessarily cure the overwhelmed feelings if your mental health isn't being addressed which is why I asked about that in my other post.

It is cheeky.

I was a sahm and my son went to full day nursery Teo days a week. Allowed me time to myself and when my second came along sone time with her. He lived it he was an energiser bunny (still is). Put my daughter in two days a week from one too. Made their transition to school easy.

You need to start paying for childcare or did you think you could have three and just rely on your parents all the time? If they are making comments then take the hint. I am not surprised they are tired! I think you have taken advantage a bit because they will feel bad to say no to their daughter. 18 months is a bloody hard age as well plus your others.

...And you need to read the entire thread. I almost got a childminder a month or two back and they insisted that I didn't as they were happy doing it.

So my arrangement re childcare doesn’t sound too dissimilar, my mum has my 18 month old child 3 days a week and they’re at nursery the other 2 days. My mum did offer to have them all 5 days but I feel it’s too much as she does have her own life too. My mum is in her early 50s, “retired” and in good health though and there’s just the one child. Ideally I would I switch it so my mum would have two days as I do feel it’s a lot but we can’t afford the extra nursery costs and my mum repeatedly assures me it’s fine.

Can I ask about your husband in all of this? What is he doing? What are his thoughts? I feel like he needs to step up in some way here.

but yeah nothing at all wrong with sending kids to nursery when you’re not working but as others have suggested perhaps ensure your parents don’t need the day off more.

I think they have done it so long they feel obliged to do so and feel bad for saying no. I would probably just go ahead with the childminder and don't tell them.

Absolutely no issue at all with you putting your DC in nursery when you’re not actually working. Plenty of parents do this so they can have some time to themselves or like you, to catch up with cleaning. It really isn’t a big deal and you shouldn’t feel guilty whatsoever. It happens to me sometimes because my DC are in nursery 3 full days a week whilst I work but I’m a lecturer so on the odd day I don’t actually have to be in uni, I still take them to nursery because I pay for their hours irrespective of whether they go or not.

That is no problem at all. The issue I would have (and think your parents would understandably have) is you paying extra to put them into nursery so you can have time to yourself rather than you putting them in nursery to give your parents some time off.

Your parents do a lot for you, far more than most parents do. I don’t know how old they are but I’m guessing they’re above retirement age if they’re able to help out so much so they’re not young. They probably want a break and you have kind of had more children which you then foist on them and I don’t think that’s fair. So absolutely put them in nursery so you can clean but also pay for more nursery hours to give your parents a break.

Does ds 3 qualify for 30 hours at Preschool?

What I would also consider is paying for a cleaner if that works out cheaper than extra nursery hours just so you can clean. I’d still also pay for extra nursery hours whilst you work so your parents don’t have to do so much.

DH does the morning school/creche run after helping to get the kids ready. I leave for work earlier so I can finish earlier and pick kids up from parents house and bring them home for tea. DH cooks tea, and helps with baths and bedtimes. He works 5 days a week. On weekends we may have days out as a family or he may take 1 of the older two on errands/food shop. After the kids are sleeping he does the dishes and bins etc when needed and cleans out/feeds pet rabbits. I don't get much housework done on weekends as we are either out or I have the remaining children to look after if he has gone out somewhere with one of them. I don't tend to take the little ones of many errands due to my anxiety so will avoid it if there is an alternative. Most of my "free" time is taken up by doing laundry, and tidying up after the kids. Putting toys away etc. Although they do help with this sometimes, it is hit and miss. DS3 can be quite challenging. The original plan was for my parents to have him in the mornings too but I put him into creche in preparation for when I went back to work after my most recent maternity leave to lessen the load on them so they would just have one not both of my sons. My parents thinks DS18m is too young for creche. I know it is not their decision but this is what they say and obviously it influences me and shows they are happy to have him.

Just replying to the title, YANBU.
It makes a lot of sense, in a lot of circumstances.

However, (and yes, I have read the whole thread) I agree that it would make a lot more sense to pay for childcare - Nursery or Childminder (I am confused by the term 'creche' as where I am - England - this term is somewhere you might leave a child for an hour whilst attending something else, like a creche at a gym, for example?) - during your working week, and then grandparents still have the option to have them on your non-working days, when you would like a break or need to do something that is difficult when you have the dc with you, or for a date night or whatever.
Yes, I've read the post where you say you've asked them, but this way, they still can opt in to having them 3 days a week, but, when they are finding it harder, then can choose to not have them, or choose to have them for a shorter time.

Thank you for a useful response. I see where you are coming from and this was kind of the logic we were using when we were considering getting a childminder. As if the childminder covered my working days my parents would be freed up to do the optional things then that may fall on evenings or weekends or on non working days so us to actually do other things sometimes, which as you say would be optional, not the same every week and for shorter hours.

People around here use creche and nursery somewhat interchangeable. We normally call it nursery but I went with creche as to not be confused with school nursery which he also attends for half the day.

The problem is I don't actually know if it is an option financially. DS18m wouldn't qualify for any funding and it may not be worth me working to put him into nursery for 3 full days.

YABU to send them 3 days/ week to your tired parents and then pay for childcare on your days off.
What about a cleaner?

Sorry, I'm confused, how did you approach the subject of a child minder last month when in another post you say you don't think you could financially afford any alternative childcare?

You need to be putting your kid in nursery for at least 1 to 2 of the days that ur parents are looking after the 18 month old

Quite frankly ur taking the piss, they've made comments already. They are doing school runs for ur other 2 kids n looking after n 18 month old for 3 days!

Instead of saying I'll put him in nursery to ease the burden on them you want to put him in on a day that benefits you!

Im astonished at the audacity

@MammaEvz3

Trust me mate I'm FULLY aware of what PND and mental health problems feel like!! More so than you know. Without ANY family support so either! However, you DO just have to get on with it and look after the children you chose to have because what alternative is there???

But in a sense you do have to get on with it - because at the end of the day the kids still have to be fed/played with/put to bed, regardless of how you feel. That is one of the hard parts of parenting. And not everyone has as robust and frequent support system as you do. Eg being able to drop kids off at grandparents while you take your car to the garage rather than just take them with you like those of us with no family support have to do.

Yep, all of this!

Hmm I dunno maybe one alternative is to let willing family members help you out if you have them. No need to hate on others that have support just because by your own admission you don't. Why should I choose to struggle alone just because that's what you have to do. We have the one set of grandparents that help us regularly. Other people might even have 2 sets, plus aunties and uncles and friends, imagine that!

@MammaEvz3

You've basically taken my original comment way out of its original context now. You said "I do Monday Friday and weekends etc..." like that's unusual or something. It's just your job as a parent surely, many people do way more as they have no support. That was the remit of my original comment to you. I do not wish to get into a pointless back and forth about anything else.

Good luck to you.

I didn't even realise you were the same person who commented earlier as you didn't link back to it and it's hard to keep track of all the usernames. I wasn't saying what I do is usual. Someone had stated that I would be doing less days than them (my parents) so I was just pointed out that this wasn't the case.

I'm not here to compare to other people who have more or less support. The purpose was to find out if people would think it's acceptable to put children into nursery for reasons other than work. Not for people's views on my current childcare arrangements.

Your current childcare arrangements are part of the consideration of whether or not your plan is considered reasonable or not though. As it is, most people are saying YABU with your plans when you could instead choose to ease your mind DPs burden of childcare with more paid for childcare instead. If you were in a different situation with no family support and didn't already have extensive ongoing regular free childcare I suspect people would be saying YANBU instead. It does make a difference.

@WeightoftheWorld exactly! Totally agree.

Small children are a lot of work and your parents have been kind enough to help you a lot. You should consider giving them a break, even if they say no they could probably do with one.

So just to be clear
DC 1 in school
DC 2 5 half days at school nursery + 3 days at creche so you have him half days twice a week.
DC 3 you have full days 2 times a week otherwise he’s at your parents but these are the days you have off.

So you basically have dc2 for 2 half days and DC 3 for 2 full days?

Your Dh drops off and your parents do the school run and you pick them up from your parents?

Your husband comes home and does tea and is hands on with bath and bedtime, does the dishes, sorts pets and takes out bins?

Going to be honest your husband sounds like he’s pulling his weight and your parents sound amazing. I think it’s perfectly fine to put the youngest into creche, why not the days DC 2 is at creche. That way you have 3 half days to yourself to do whatever it is that you need to do. Tbh with such little kids no-one gets much downtime.

You say on one hand your parents say things that make you feel guilty and on the other hand you say they love doing all this. I think you know they need a break.