To send son's to nursery on non working day

[MammaEvz3]

For a bit of background I have 3 children ages 6, 3.5 and 18 moths and work 3 days a week. DD6 never really went to any childcare. When I went back to work after a years maternity she was looked after by my parents for 3 days a week before starting school, and they still collect her on the days which I work. DS3 was a similar situation until age 2 when he went to a preschool a couple of mornings a week for 2 hours at a time and then started half days at creche at age 3. He now does 3 half days in creche plus 5 half days in school nursery. He only goes to creche on the days which I work. My parents transport him from creche to school and pick him up after school same as DD6. DS18m is looked after by my parents 3 days a week. I realise I am incredibly lucky to have this help from my parents and don't know what I would do without them. They are amazing. But they do get tired and make comments again that make me feel very guilty. More and more often they are being roped into also helping out on one of my non working days as well for one reason or another. For example last week I had to take my car into the garage so left the boys with them in the morning etc. It makes me feel very guilty but I am not coping very well. I had PPD with my second and a history on poor mental health for many years. I get very overwhelmed and have very little time to get any jobs done that need doing around the house. DH does some things but he is out of the house 5 days a week. He does the morning school run, food shop and cooks evening meals and generally takes care of the kitchen (although not to a very high standard). Virtually everything else falls to me. Laundry alone seems like a full time job. Anyway the purpose of the post is to ask would it be unreasonable to put DSs into creche on a day which I don't work. This would mean DS3 doing an extra half day and DS18m starting when he has never been before! (This is the hardest bit!) I have tremendous guilt at the thought of putting them into childcare on a day which I don't need to work and there will eventually come a time when they are all in full time school but it just feels so far away at the moment. Also DS only started creche at 3 when we could get funding. So I'm not sure if we could afford to put DS18m in now without any funding, we possible could but things might be tight as a result. Interested to see what others do. If you always have your children when not in work etc. Thanks for reading sorry it's a bit long.

Do weekends not exist on Mumsnet?

No I don't just have DSs for just 2 days/ 2 half days at all.

Also I don't get how you work out I would have 3 half days to myself if I put DC3 into creche the same days as DC2 as I would be in work!

Just to add, seeing as we're counting days, children do not just need care in the daytime. I've had DS18m every night since he was born. Not a single night or evening off. He wakes on average 6 times a night and only settles for me. DS3 was the same and still comes into my bed most nights. Not what this thread was about but I totally resent how little people are portraying that I have my kids! I bust my ass to look after them and work 3 full days. I just so happen to have free family childcare so therefore should not be allowed to pay for "a break" for myself to get some proper housework done. Got it.

You're talking as if we don't all have kids and know that kids are basically 24/7/52. We know. We're doing it / have done it too.

When people refer to 2 days / 3 days or 1 day / 4 days etc we're taking about the working week because practically every parent in the country (if still together) does weekends. So put the weekends to the side. Weekends you and DH are both off work and both parenting the 3 children you chose to have together. Sorted.

Personally I think you need a better system for laundry rather than the kids in extra childcare. Stick a load on in the morning then fold and put away while DH is doing bath & bed? As a single parent I'm struggling not to be blunt here but with cooking, food shopping, school run, bath/ bed routine, dishes and bins all taken care of......? If you are truly not managing the rest I think you need to make an appointment with the GP.

It is absolutely fine to use childcare on non-working days.

You’re being an arsehole.

I had to do this, I'm a SAHM but I had such bad postnatal depression that it took me til my youngest was 3 to truly feel put back together and human again. It took a lot of therapy. He did 2.5 days a week age 3, and went up to 3.5 days a few months ago when I went back to university.

He'll be starting primary school in September, and while I regret the time I missed with him being a toddler, I'm trying to give myself grace because without those hours to myself I don't know where I would be.

DH does not do bath and bedtime alone. I usually bath the 2 boys and he will check in on DD who goes in after them whilst I dry and dress the boys. DS18m suffers from eczema so I spend a lot of time doing his ointments. DH usually brushes teeth. So he gives a hand whilst I do the majority of the work and then I put the youngst down, he does the middle one now but I used to have to do both the boys and then I go and read with our daughter before saying goodnight to her.

Yes he cooks our evening meal whilst I look after the hungry grizzly kids. Sometimes I think it would be easier to cook and let him watch them. I still have to sort breakfast and lunch.

A man does a few jobs and so the woman must not be pulling her weight.

And for the record I have been to the GP several times over the years. I've tried counselling and medications. Multiple times. Nothing has yet to help.

Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear that you've struggled so much too. Some people just don't get it. I do everything I can for my kids at the sake of my own health but because my parents are willing to save me thousands on childcare so we can have a better quality of life I must be a terrible person. I'm at my wits end to even consider putting my boys into childcare on my non working day and will probably never actually do it as the guilt would eat me up that they could actually be with me instead.

i think it’s unfair on your parents. And selfish of you to lumber them with 3 children to look after 3 days a week.

I say this as someone who sees my tired parents looking after my nieces and nephew toddlers several days a week. If you can afford childcare one day a week take the burden off your parents

I think you have a huge amount of help and support. Your parents are probably doing it knowing your mental health is so bad which is lovely of them but I would find a way to take some of that pressure off them.

As to your original question...no, when you're already away from them 3 days a week I absolutely wouldn't send them away another day just so you can clean. I would always prioritise spending time with my children. Get a cleaner and get more organised.

Weirdly defensive responses from someone who claimed to want opinions.

We get it OP, it's hard having young kids. It's relentless. You're lucky to have the family support that you have. It's fine to use paid childcare when not working if you can afford to, but I would prioritise giving your parents the break, not yourself. Can see why people think you're being cheeky.

Agree that paying a cleaner makes more sense than paying for childcare on days you aren't working

I think a lot of people posting don't get it and are resentful of the amount of help you have had from your parents. I have a friend who has had similar and I can see how game changing it is and would be lying if I said I hadn't felt resentful at times. But I also know the parents well and know they wouldn't have it any other way. It is none of my business. My parents wouldn't do it it but people are different.
If they say they are happy i think you have to take them at their word - they are adults and should be able To say if it's not working for them.
However, the situation is obviously not working for you. You have recognised it which is a good first step.
Personally I think 2 days a week - one of your parents days and one of your days would be a good solution for everyone. If this doesn't help enough then I think you may need to consider cutting back/stopping work but that is for the future. This sounds worth a try first.
On the subject of laundry and tidying toys I cannot suggest decluttering enough - also game changing. Have a look at the minimal mum on you tube - she has 4 children and was miserable and I think speaks a lot of sense about the impact managing all this stuff has on us.
Good luck. In my experience time is the main thing for PND.

YABU but not because you want to put your child in childcare for one day, but for the fact that day needs to be taken from your parents, not you! You need to give them a break or you may lose their support going forward-you are taking the piss.

Weirdly defensive responses from someone who claimed to want opinions.

Agreed

Yes it appears that very few people get it. I was at a very low point yesterday before I posted this. I've said I'm struggling but the vast majority of posters just want to criticise my current childcare arrangement and keep telling me I need to give my parents are break. My parents get tired yes, who doesn't, but like your friend, they wouldn't have it any other way. I was just trying to be mindful of not putting on them anymore than I already do whilst desperately trying to improve things for myself. Nobody seems to realise that it's me that needs a break not my parents. They are doing OK whereas I am not. Maybe I should have been more clear about what kind of comments they were making or maybe people are just jealous that they don't have free childcare and would rather someone stretch themselves financially just because they have to. Thank you for some genuinely helpful points. I wonder if they would be so harsh if it was a friend in real life.

I think people are a bit confused because on the one hand you're saying that your parents are making comments about being unhappy or tired but on the other hand that they are totally happy and don't want anything to change

Have you thought about getting some help with your son's sleep? Maybe a session with a sleep consultant? If you're waking 6x a night, no wonder you're exhausted.

I don't think anyone is confused. I think they're all happy to assume I'm just a selfish cheeky f who's taking the piss out of their parents. Yes I should have been more clear about the kind of comments they make. It's more to when I need something extra and they refer to days of the week as their "day off" etc and it starts to feel like having the children is more of a chore than a pleasure for them. I know it can definitely be both. I haven't said they are totally happy because it can be hard work but every time I've brought up looking for alternative childcare they have shot me down and said they are happy to do it. When I say I feel bad about how much they do for us they say it's fine but I doesn't necessarily make the feelings go away. I think in an ideal world I'd put the kids in to childcare part time and grandparents have them part time but I can be over protective and worry about a lot of things so when my parents tell me they are fine I am easily swayed as I would rather them stay with them as I can get more updates throughout the day and they know their routines and needs better. DS18m also has severe eczema and I need someone I can trust to regularly apply his ointments throughout the day. With poor mental health I struggle with any decision, but especially so when it comes to the children.

Wow you're the only person to even acknowledge this, so thank you. He is still breastfed. I think at this point he wakes out of habit to feed for comfort. His brother was the same. Although I did manage to night wean him at 16 months and then he did start sleeping for longer period. I have failed miserable to night wean my youngest. If he wakes and I do not offer a feed he will get so distressed and he will then scratch at his eczema causing severe damage to his skin. Something I'm not willing for him to go through when I can just easily boob him back to sleep. Also if he gets distressed he will wake his brother and then I have 2 to get back to sleep so that's not good either. I don't really know what the plan is longer term other than I'm hoping it will be easier when he gets a bit older.

Perhaps your husband should start pulling more weight than your parents.

why don’t you do both? Book two extra days in childcare, so one less for your parents and one for you? And stop using them for the advocate stuff like cars going to garages as that will increase the amount they feel out upon as they already do a lot, just take the kids with you.

Bear in mind it may be very hard for them to acknowledge that they want less responsibility, so even if you are talking about using childcare they may automatically insist it is fine. But at that point you need to take the initiative and insist that you want to lessen their load. At that point you may find that they feel appreciative that you are doing something for them, and feel less put out about the advocacy stuff.

And any decent childcare will out ointment on etc, that’s not unusual in kids. As your youngest gets older your parents will too, so it is worth trying to get a better routine with childcare now.

Advocate etc was meant to be adhoc 🙄

Why did you even have a 3rd kid if you have no interest in parenting them? I feel sorry for your parents tbh