To send son's to nursery on non working day

[MammaEvz3]

For a bit of background I have 3 children ages 6, 3.5 and 18 moths and work 3 days a week. DD6 never really went to any childcare. When I went back to work after a years maternity she was looked after by my parents for 3 days a week before starting school, and they still collect her on the days which I work. DS3 was a similar situation until age 2 when he went to a preschool a couple of mornings a week for 2 hours at a time and then started half days at creche at age 3. He now does 3 half days in creche plus 5 half days in school nursery. He only goes to creche on the days which I work. My parents transport him from creche to school and pick him up after school same as DD6. DS18m is looked after by my parents 3 days a week. I realise I am incredibly lucky to have this help from my parents and don't know what I would do without them. They are amazing. But they do get tired and make comments again that make me feel very guilty. More and more often they are being roped into also helping out on one of my non working days as well for one reason or another. For example last week I had to take my car into the garage so left the boys with them in the morning etc. It makes me feel very guilty but I am not coping very well. I had PPD with my second and a history on poor mental health for many years. I get very overwhelmed and have very little time to get any jobs done that need doing around the house. DH does some things but he is out of the house 5 days a week. He does the morning school run, food shop and cooks evening meals and generally takes care of the kitchen (although not to a very high standard). Virtually everything else falls to me. Laundry alone seems like a full time job. Anyway the purpose of the post is to ask would it be unreasonable to put DSs into creche on a day which I don't work. This would mean DS3 doing an extra half day and DS18m starting when he has never been before! (This is the hardest bit!) I have tremendous guilt at the thought of putting them into childcare on a day which I don't need to work and there will eventually come a time when they are all in full time school but it just feels so far away at the moment. Also DS only started creche at 3 when we could get funding. So I'm not sure if we could afford to put DS18m in now without any funding, we possible could but things might be tight as a result. Interested to see what others do. If you always have your children when not in work etc. Thanks for reading sorry it's a bit long.

Try not to listen to the cruel remarks! Re night weaning, I've just done it with v minimal tears (and I still bf at other times)-you can do it in a gentle way. There will probably be some tears at first but you can stay with him so he doesn't scratch himself. I know it's hard but probably worth it for your mental health and better sleep is good for him too.

If he's waking 6 times a night to feed, do you need to look at your sleeping set up? Both of mine BF to over 2 and half so I slept with them for the first year or so and then gradually moved them into their own beds (or mattresses on the floor) so I could still feed them if they woke but nobody was up and down and having to be put back into a cot. I didn't actively night wean but it happened very easily because I could always get to them.

I do think your posts look like you see your situation to many other people. You have a lot of support - your parents do an awful lot for you and your DH does his part. My DH works away Mon-Fri and we have no family living nearby. We have to pay for help - childcare, cleaner etc. It's the only way.

You have had 3 children relatively close together but don't seem to have a plan for this other than your parents. What if one got sick or they just don't want to do it anymore? You need to plan as if this may happen and you have to finance 3 lots of childcare.

I have no issue with people using some childcare when they're not working. I am a teacher (full time) and sometimes use holiday clubs so I get a few days to do something. There's no harm in that. However, I wouldn't use childcare so I could have a day when I'm getting so much free childcare from people who have been giving free childcare for nearly 6 years!

I'm sorry you're having a hard time but I think it's time to sort your finances so that the youngest go to childcare - 2 days (one for you, one for your parents as a start). Then look at a cleaner if you don't have time for it.

@IndiaPaleAle F you. So because I work three days a week and struggle to get stuff done around the house around the children I have no interest in parenting my child? Oh please! You have no idea what you're talking about so jog on.

We've had our 2 grandchildren one day a week since they were born. They're both at school now so it's only the holidays now. We adore them but they are exhausting and I would really struggle to look after them 3 days a week. And, if I was doing that because I was trying to help my daughter out, I would be extremely pissed off if she then used paid childcare on one of her days off so she could have a break from them 😏

I think it is just the message it gives out. "I need to book extra childcare because looking after my kids is too tiring for me, but not too tiring for you."

I get your point. I guess I just see it as they cope better than me. They don't have mental health problems and are more resilient. There's two of them and they get to sleep all night. They are very fit for their age as well I might add, so I often feel they have more energy than me. In their free time they do park runs etc so they are not "old". I'm not going to do that anyway...put the toddler into nursery on one of my days and not one of theirs. I said it very early on in the thread that it would be a minimum of one of each but every one is overlooking that for some reason.

2 days is best as you have said and the govt 20% does help with costs.

Your 18 month old will be fine and nursery/creche do so much in a day with them!
Both mine went from 11 months and they love it settled really well etc.
Your hardly planning on putting him in then sunbathing or reading all day. Go for it

Again you're being very unfair to your parents. You should not be comparing their ability to look after your children with yours. They're your children, your responsibility. Your parents mental health, fitness ability and hours of sleep is not relevant. They can do all the park runs and even marathons if they want to because that's their life! They've also told you they're tired looking after your children.

As for nursery, you've mentioned 1 day for you, two half days (one each for you and your parents) and then two days so it is a little confusing.

Anyway, I hope you find a solution that lightens everybody's load if that's what you're looking for.

Yes its their life and in that life they've chosen to also look after their grandchildren. They have a choice. I'm not holding them at gun point and making them do it. As a previous poster said they are adults and if they say they are happy to do it you need to take their word for it. They have a very close relationship with their grandchildren and it is lovely. I didn't realise a bunch of mumsnetters would be so jealous of this. This was all about not wanting to add to what they already do for us not stopping it all completely. It seems like nearly every poster has got a bee in their bonnet about that though and it's getting boring now.

The OP has said she’s struggling with her mental health. That will be a massive factor in how well or not she is coping with the children. If they can afford it then some time for self/care may be what is required to keep her going/able to function for the rest of the time. Yes she has a lot of help but she is also working and managing poor health. It would be much better to use childcare if she is not coping than deteriorate and end up in a crisis situation.

Op- I would also be looking at sleep training or trying to share the load at night with your DH more. If you are struggling with mental health a lack of sleep will be making things worse and I’d throw effort at reducing then night wakings as would likely make everything else a bit better. I also agree with others that 2 days of nursery would be better than 1- your provider might not actually allow 1 session anyway.

Sorry I wasn’t suggesting your husbands is put upon I’m saying that you are well supported by your parents, your husband is doing his bit after work (and if he’s not you have to be clear with him about that). My DH is hands on and is a very present parent (bath, bedtime, making breakfasts, days out with just DD) when he is not at work. So I wasn’t saying it from the perspective of having low standards for men.I was saying the impression that I got it that when he is there he is contributing.

I do have sympathy for the PND mine lasted 2.5 years, it was hard and I didn’t have family close enough to help me but I only have one child so I do under that 3 will be much harder while working. I know it feels like you can’t breath and you never get to stand still, always drowning, I get it. I spent the first 2 years crying a lot and wishing I was dead. Going to be honest at one point DH was working full time coming home looking after the baby and doing the majority of the night wake ups (there were a lot) he was dead on his feet but I couldn’t see it, my PND expressed itself as anger. I literally couldn’t see how much he was doing for our family I just felt angry and resentful. It sounds stupid but its true, I couldn’t see that he was overburdening himself to a point that was hurting him to ease the burden on me.

I think it’s the terminology here saying you “have them” and talking about “having” them on the weekend makes it sound like you are babysitting them. They are your and your husbands kids, most of us “have” our kids on weekends and mornings and evenings often with a lot less help than you and your husband get and thats why people are struggling to understand your perspective. I know I find parenting bloody hard (it’s why I’m one and done, I can’t cope with another one), I think many people find juggling kids, homes and work exhausting and overwhelming.

Your own post said your parents are saying stuff that makes you feel guilty. So they are trying to communicate to you it’s too much. Thats the point posters are making, you have to at some point ease off your parents. You can’t have kids without any plan, what would happen if your parents got ill and just couldn’t do school runs or look after your youngest anymore? You have no resilience in the system you have.

If you need the rest because of poor sleep, explain that to your parents and then book the extra day off for yourself. Then wean. If you are under someones care for PND go back if it’s not improving (but sorting out the night wake ups will probably go a long way to making you feel better).

This is a great post and makes lots of points that I was trying to say. I really hope you read it properly OP and can take it in.

Nobody is jealous of you OP 🙈

@Bunnycat101 thank you for that. I feel like few people here are seeing/care about my mental health struggle. Whilst I have lots of practical/childcare support I have no emotional support. My parents are great but they don't talk about feelings etc or even give advice/opinions. I have very few friends and no1 that close that I see regularly. DH and I have a very strained relationship. I get no emotional support from him either. In an emotional crisis he usually makes me feel worse.

@Noicant I totally get crying all the time and wishing you were dead. I'm miserable in every aspect of my life. I have a lot of anger too and resentment toward DH. Thank you for also acknowledging that 3 is a whole different situation to just one. DC3 was not planned and it was some kind of miracle that he was even concieved considering how rarely DH and I are together. Obviously I have no regrets now as I love him with all my heart but it would not have been a wise decision to chose to have another at that point in my life considering how badly I was already coping with 2 but these things happen.

OP I feel for you- I had PND and it was so hard.

One thing that stands out is that it sounds complicated- DS doing half days in preschool and crèche and having to be taken by your parents from one to the other. Would it be easier to have your middle child in a private nursery 4 days and book your youngest in the same place for a day or two so there’s less ferrying about?

I think in these situations the person who needs to pick up the slack is DH rather than your parents. Ultimately if your and DHs responsibility to look after your kids and if you’re struggling he needs to find some flex in work to help. Your parents are being incredible week in week out to provide that care for three kids, no doubt they enjoy it but it would be exhausting.

Thank you.

It is a bit complicated yes. He is in private nursery for the mornings (3 days a week) and school nursery in the afternoon. Unfortunately the school only offers half days at his age but I wouldn't take him out from there as it is the school he will be staying in until age 11 and is with his class that he will be moving up with each year. Plus he only started in January and is really enjoying. Obviously my youngest would go to the same private nursery if I did decide to put him in.

My husband constantly complains about how he never stops etc so I don't think I'd get much more out of him. He has a very bad attitude toward anything I ask from him (even a simple can you pass me such n such please). We get no help from his family either.

I get it op. It's bloody hard work, and it's non stop. Some days you are just existing until the next day comes and you have to do it again. Don't feel bad, use the childcare and have some downtime. There's nothing wrong with saying you need down time. I struggle too, and I'm a sahm. Maybe sit down with your dps and speak to them, they sound amazing and understanding.

Thank you. It wouldn't even be downtime. I feel like I'm drowning in jobs that need doing at home with no time to do anything other what's absolutely essential (laundry, kitchen, bathroom etc). I can't remember the last time I actually dusted! Bags and bags of children's outgrown clothes just keep piling up. Toys need sorting. The most recent birthday presents are still just sitting in a pile where they were unwrapped. I get so overwhelmed by it all.

I get it. Young kids is very hard. I have two under three and minimal support. It's very hard.

I think you need to outsource your household stuff more eg get a cleaner. Better system in place for laundry. One wash on a day. Get a tumble drier. Will be cheaper than childcare.

Re toys cloths etc need sorting plan ahead with DH. 3 weeks Saturday he takes kids out you have 4/5 hours and have a good sort out. Or vice versa. Do this every 8 weeks or so. This should keep on top of that.

You're extremely lucky for the support you get from your parents and I think you know this. I think many people are stunned how much childcare grandparents are doing. I would be lying if I wasn't a little jealous.

Try to maintain some flexibility there may come a day when grandparents can't do as much as you will have to use external childcare. Find a good provider and the children will be fine. My children have gone to full time nursery (crèche for you I think, I think you may be Welsh?!) since 10 months when I returned back to work for both of them and have thrived.

Good luck I hope your PND seems some improvement

Thank you for the pointers. I've always felt too self conscious to get a cleaner but might be worth giving some more thoughts/pricing up. I do have a tumble drier. Couldn't survive without it. It was more a figure of speech regarding the laundry as it does take up a lot of my time as it's just the sheer volume of it with 3 little ones. The boys need clean clothes pretty much every day as they can't keep clean. 3 year old often still has a lot of toileting accidents to there may be multiple changes on one day. Some weeks I have a lot of bedding to do if we have had a leaky nappy (or 2). It just doesn't leave much time for other cleaning. Although I was proud of myself yesterday DH was lazing on the sofa so I just told him he needed to watch the kids as I was going upstairs to clean the bathrooms and left them to it. This doesn't happen very often as I usually take lead with the kids in we're just in the house.

I do need to schedule regular sort outs, it's just that because it's hardly ever been done before (think newborn clothes all still here!) The sheer volume of it is quite daunting.

Obviously we do have a childcare provider as my middle child goes to private nursery (I don't actually call it crèche either) I just thought others did lol. But yes I am Welsh (Well done). I will be making some enquiries with them soon regarding my youngest. DH only works term time, so I'm a bit reluctant to put him in now and have to pay for the summer when we might not want to use it all that much then and might wait until September. I'm going to be thinking about it more anyway and don't want to rush into any decisions.

Thank you.

your parents have told you that they are tired even if they have agreed to this schedule

so you can’t assume they are really happy with this arrangement just because you assume their mental health is better than yours - that’s not fair

they have said it’s starting to feel like a chore but are feeling a sense of duty to you and don’t want to let you down

so you can’t assume they can cope better than you and take a day off for yourself whilst they are spending half of their retirement doing unpaid childcare….

I think you need to:

1. book in nursery for one extra day to give your parents a break. Parents all over the country do this and 18mo is obviously not too young and many children have eczema so that is standard for nurseries to help with that

1. either you need to book in for a second day in nursery for yourself but only after giving your parents one less day. Otherwise it’s just not on at all

OR

3 you work even reduced hours so you and your parents have the day off on the day when your child is in nursery

and/or

3.have a plan for dealing with laundry during the week or weekends and definitely get a cleaner at least once a fortnight for a few hours. Nothing to be embarrassed off

and/or

1. take time off work on the day when your kid is in nursery when you need to do things like apppintments etc - it’s not fair to expect your parents to cover these in addition to the 3 days they are already doing. When is their downtime?

if I need the dentist or need to go to the garage it will usually be an afternoon off as I work full time with kids

and/or
5.find a childminder or babysitter just to cover those times you need to do those appointments and chores

and/or

6.take your kids with you to those appointments

most people don’t have a day off for chores - they just need to use a system to make that work - although it’s not easy of course!

They have not said its starting to feel like a chore. Please don't put words in their mouths. Those were my worries not their words.

I cannot just reduce my hours even more or I wouldn't have a job to go to. I already work the least hours out of any member of staff.

I already often do take him off for appointments. I am doing so in 2 weeks time for a hospital appointment for example. But you also have no idea of my leave situation in work. I had to use up several weeks earlier this year to cover children's sickness/hospital stays. More than one incident. You don't get an unlimited amount.

You've given way too much advice without knowing enough information and made too many assumptions.

You literally asked whether what you want to do is reasonable or not - and I’d say it isn’t for the reasons above - there are other ways to manage it even if they aren’t easy and your parents do so much already

ive taken time to respond to your post so really you don’t need to be so rude and defensive to me and every other poster

there’s really no point in doing an aibu and then respond in the way you do

to put it bluntly then YA definitely BU in your proposal.