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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this insensitive of friend towards my sister - ivf

101 replies

Kaaplumff · 05/05/2023 11:35

It was my sister's bday the other week and the day before she got a -ve pregnancy test from her first round of IVF. Naturally she was devastated but she got up the next day and tried to have a nice day out with our family.

Her & BIL haven't told many people about IVF but one of their friends who did know randomly sent my sister (directly to her, not a group message) a surprise photo of their scan with no warning or anything. She checked her phone over lunch and then this blank expression and then tears just came on all of a sudden and when we were all like omg what's wrong?! She handed me her phone. (She wasn't bawling by the way, just tears). She sent them some nice congratulations back and was saying she was fine and okay, and happy for them etc. but honestly you could just see the wind went out of her for the rest of the day and BIL looked like he'd be sucker punched in the gut but put on a brave face too.

Maybe I'm biased because she's my sister and a bit protective of her (we are very close) but aibu to think that's a really really insensitive way to tell someone about your pregnancy if you know they're going through IVF? I mean, on her birthday too. Really. Couldn't they have waited.

I saw the message, there wasn't even a 'we have some exciting news' lead in so she could prepare herself. I totally get it, pregnancy is super exciting and they wanted to share their news but seriously have some consideration! I think it was so unfair to ambush her like that and put her on the spot. I don't think any of my close friends would have told me like that if they knew I was going through IVF. Possibly they thought it might make her feel good but if that's the case then I think they were kidding themselves. Idk why they directly messaged her either and not my BIL too or why they didn't put it in a group message so she wasn't on the spot to reply. Gah! I really felt so bad for her and it made me cross!

It didn't ruin her birthday or anything but it'll definitely be remembered as a really really sad moment that could have been avoided if certain people were a bit kinder.

Am I just being a bit protective of her or do you think it's a bit crap of them?

OP posts:
YourMommaWasASnowblower · 05/05/2023 11:40

It’s hard to know if her friend was deliberately being insensitive or just not thinking. When I was going through fertility issues I found people to be extremely insensitive. I think some people forget in their own excitement, but I do think sometimes people can be deliberately spiteful.

FeliciteFaff · 05/05/2023 11:41

You and your sister are over sensitive and have to develop a thicker skin about these things. Don’t make enemies of someone just because they were able to get a positive result. My twin had 8 Mc during IVF treatment. And still wished people well. I never can understand why you would want the world to tiptoe around you. Yes it’s sad not to get a positive but you know the process. It’s hit and Miss. I am being hard on you because honestly it sounds like this is your first rodeo and you really need to give your sister some love and gentle encouragement to help her get over this and not wallow needlessly over somebody else’s good news. That’s no way to live your life. By all means she should make it clear to friends they are having a hard time. And hope that people are sensitive enough to respect that.

SoupDragon · 05/05/2023 11:43

There's no easy way to convey pregnancy news to someone who is struggling with fertility but I think an email that acknowledges that it's difficult news is far better than just sending a scan photo with no warning! I do think the friend made a mistake there. Probably simply didn't think rather than being insensitive.

Original poster
Kaaplumff · 05/05/2023 11:43

FeliciteFaff · 05/05/2023 11:41

You and your sister are over sensitive and have to develop a thicker skin about these things. Don’t make enemies of someone just because they were able to get a positive result. My twin had 8 Mc during IVF treatment. And still wished people well. I never can understand why you would want the world to tiptoe around you. Yes it’s sad not to get a positive but you know the process. It’s hit and Miss. I am being hard on you because honestly it sounds like this is your first rodeo and you really need to give your sister some love and gentle encouragement to help her get over this and not wallow needlessly over somebody else’s good news. That’s no way to live your life. By all means she should make it clear to friends they are having a hard time. And hope that people are sensitive enough to respect that.

I mean I head you but enemies is a bit of a gross exaggeration. It was just a bit insensitive that's all

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaaplumff · 05/05/2023 11:43

*hear you

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 05/05/2023 11:45

People can be incredibly thoughtless and insensitive about this sort of thing. That scan photo would have been a kick in the stomach to your sister. I hope she has good news soon.

Original poster
Kaaplumff · 05/05/2023 11:45

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 05/05/2023 11:40

It’s hard to know if her friend was deliberately being insensitive or just not thinking. When I was going through fertility issues I found people to be extremely insensitive. I think some people forget in their own excitement, but I do think sometimes people can be deliberately spiteful.

I don't think it was deliberately spiteful, but it just seemed like it could have been handled a lot better. From my perspective they didn't really think through the delivery of it which was disappointing

OP posts:
Lamelie · 05/05/2023 11:45

It’s particularly crap in your sisters circumstances. I can think of many situations where sending such a photo would be upsetting and would always check myself before telling someone about a pregnancy.

Helpisneeded100 · 05/05/2023 11:45

I feel the friend was insensitive about how she delivered the news. It is of course hard to deliver baby news when someone is having IVF, however she didn’t have to send it on her birthday, she could have easily waited another day. She could have called first or sent message explaining the good news etc

It is a tough situation but yes I think the friend could have dealt with it better.

best of luck to you sister on her IVF journey xx

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2023 11:47

Sending scan to photos to anyone who hasn’t specifically asked for one, never mind to a friend who’s going through ivf on her bloody birthday is naff as fuck.

Her friend is an idiot. Being pregnant and excited is no excuse for being so completely thoughtless.

I wish your sister a happy outcome from ivf.

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/05/2023 11:47

Of course it was, but this is for your sister to manage, not you.

Jobhuntings · 05/05/2023 11:47

Very very thoughtless and incredibly hurtful of the 'friend'.

I'm so sorry for your sister, I've been there 💐

Original poster
Kaaplumff · 05/05/2023 11:48

Thanks to everyone wishing her luck in her IVF. Fingers cross X

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 05/05/2023 11:48

It was very insensitive. YANBU

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/05/2023 11:49

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/05/2023 11:47

Of course it was, but this is for your sister to manage, not you.

Where does the OP mention that she plans or feels the need to "manage" any part of this? She is juts discussing an experience she has had.

Hazelnuttella · 05/05/2023 11:52

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/05/2023 11:47

Of course it was, but this is for your sister to manage, not you.

I don’t see OP trying to “manage” the situation, she hasn’t asked if she should do anything. Just because it doesn’t directly affect her doesn’t mean she can’t have feelings about it and want to vent about it.

OP - Yes I do think it was very insensitive, especially on her birthday when she was probably trying to take her mind off babies and expecting most messages to be “happy birthday”, I can imagine it would have been a bit of a shock.

BlueAndGreen89 · 05/05/2023 11:54

I think she could’ve waited 24 hours to tell your sister and not spoil her birthday. Very insensitive timing.

Original poster
Kaaplumff · 05/05/2023 11:54

@Luredbyapomegranate thank you for your comment although I don't think anyone should have to manage alone. Im going to be there for my family when they go through bad times. I won't be fighting any wars but I will be there for her. she probably already feels alone. Would you have suggested we all leave her at the café while she managed her emotions alone?

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 05/05/2023 11:55

If they are close friends I can appreciate she might have wanted to share the news but if she knew about the ivf then surely you'd put your own feelings aside and tell her at a later date. So a text at some point. Sending a scan is so incredibly thoughtless.

It doesn't mean that she needs to hide her pregnancy but a little care goes along way.

Original poster
Kaaplumff · 05/05/2023 11:58

In case it comes up, my sister is not weird about pregnancies, quite a few of her friends have had or are having babies and she gushes and sends presents etc. She's not precious about it. It's the delivery of this news that irked me! But thank you for your replies it's encouraging to hear other opinions and that I'm not just being a grumpy sister!

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 05/05/2023 11:58

Given the friend knows, that is appalling behaviour. Of course tell her, but sensitively and not on her birthday! Sharing scan photos is generally bizarre in my opinion, I don't need to see evidence.

FiddleLeaf · 05/05/2023 11:59

She shared the news in a really insensitive and self centred way. She had plenty of time to consider how to tell your sister too.

I’m embarking on IVF soon and those scan photos, without warning, makes my heart race. I think it’s the desperation of wanting to see your own 😔

Best of luck to your sister x

Spanglemum · 05/05/2023 12:01

Hugely unthoughtful of the friend and as @AnneLovesGilbert says, naff.
Unfortunately part of the pain of infertility is the fact that you are generally surrounded by friends and family having babies. I had a friend who got his casual girlfriend pregnant when I was pregnant. They both already had children. I had a miscarriage and she went on to have her baby. Our friendship was never the same after that. That was 20 years ago.

RenegadeMrs · 05/05/2023 12:03

Ok, so both mine were IVF so I know what it is to struggle with this.

Did friend know about the negative result? Or just that they are going through IVF? If they knew about the result I would say they were being a complete cow not to leave a bit more time. If they didn't, I would chalk it up to being a bit thoughtless to do it on her birthday.

However, I do think that a message is the best way of doing it. You are not face to face and don't have to sit through a coffee and deal with baby chat or pretend excitement. You just fire off a 'congrats' and then hopefully have some space to deal with your own emotions away from pregnant friend, and are prepared next time they meet.

It is an awkward situation, but friend will have to tell your sister sooner or later. I had to have a word with myself several times during the process that there isn't a set allocation of babies being handed out, and that other people's fertility has no impact on my own. Them having or not having a baby won't make me more or less fertile. It's a seperate issue. I know it doesn't make it easier, I would be kind to your sister, but wouldn't think friend was trying to be hurtful either.

User2538309 · 05/05/2023 12:03

It’s a rule of thumb to be thoughtful about how you share news of a pregnancy especially around those who have fertility issues or have experienced losses.

Sending a scan photo is literally the most insensitive thing you can do.

There was a point after my first miscarriage when scan photos caused me to feel sick, shaky and have to fight tears. The trauma hasn’t totally gone, despite working hard on my MH and a heck of a lot of water under the bridge, and occasionally these things can feel like you’ve been punched.

It was a fucking awful thing to do to a close friend that you know is going through IVF. I am willing to believe that a lot of these type of actions are insensitivity and thoughtlessness, but it really wasn’t an ok thing to do. I would encourage people to think twice before sharing scan pictures generally because you don’t know others’ stories.