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Original poster

Was this insensitive of friend towards my sister - ivf

101 replies

Kaaplumff · 05/05/2023 11:35

It was my sister's bday the other week and the day before she got a -ve pregnancy test from her first round of IVF. Naturally she was devastated but she got up the next day and tried to have a nice day out with our family.

Her & BIL haven't told many people about IVF but one of their friends who did know randomly sent my sister (directly to her, not a group message) a surprise photo of their scan with no warning or anything. She checked her phone over lunch and then this blank expression and then tears just came on all of a sudden and when we were all like omg what's wrong?! She handed me her phone. (She wasn't bawling by the way, just tears). She sent them some nice congratulations back and was saying she was fine and okay, and happy for them etc. but honestly you could just see the wind went out of her for the rest of the day and BIL looked like he'd be sucker punched in the gut but put on a brave face too.

Maybe I'm biased because she's my sister and a bit protective of her (we are very close) but aibu to think that's a really really insensitive way to tell someone about your pregnancy if you know they're going through IVF? I mean, on her birthday too. Really. Couldn't they have waited.

I saw the message, there wasn't even a 'we have some exciting news' lead in so she could prepare herself. I totally get it, pregnancy is super exciting and they wanted to share their news but seriously have some consideration! I think it was so unfair to ambush her like that and put her on the spot. I don't think any of my close friends would have told me like that if they knew I was going through IVF. Possibly they thought it might make her feel good but if that's the case then I think they were kidding themselves. Idk why they directly messaged her either and not my BIL too or why they didn't put it in a group message so she wasn't on the spot to reply. Gah! I really felt so bad for her and it made me cross!

It didn't ruin her birthday or anything but it'll definitely be remembered as a really really sad moment that could have been avoided if certain people were a bit kinder.

Am I just being a bit protective of her or do you think it's a bit crap of them?

OP posts:
Pollywoddles · 05/05/2023 19:03

MelchiorsMistress · 05/05/2023 17:08

I think these replies are unfair to the friend.

She may have known that your sister was going through IVF but without knowing that her first round definitely didn’t work. It could have been that in her head, she and her friend were both trying for babies so when it worked for her she wanted to share the news. The friend could have faced her own fertility issues for all we know.

Nah, anyone who has suffered infertility would never send an unsolicited photo of their scan to someone else they know in the same boat on their birthday.

Scroobydoo · 05/05/2023 19:08

I think the friend was insensitive.

I recently had a similar situation, but with me being the pregnant one and friend going through IVF. I didn't send her the image but let her know I was expecting a baby, acknowledging it might be difficult for her to hear and wishing her all the luck in her IVF journey. She took it really well.

It's not hard to have a bit of empathy and compassion

billy1966 · 05/05/2023 19:14

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2023 11:47

Sending scan to photos to anyone who hasn’t specifically asked for one, never mind to a friend who’s going through ivf on her bloody birthday is naff as fuck.

Her friend is an idiot. Being pregnant and excited is no excuse for being so completely thoughtless.

I wish your sister a happy outcome from ivf.

This.

I wouldn't want to be around, not to friendly with someone capable of such unkind insensitivity.

Your poor sister.

Only someone really thick sends anyone a scan picture anyway🙄.

I find it very hard to believe anyone kind or decent would send such a picture.

I believe there is something not right with someone who does that.

No one has EVER sent me one.

It has NEVER occurred to me to send a picture of one either.

I really hope your sister is blessed.

TheGoogleMum · 05/05/2023 19:22

That friend was so thoughtless. She absolutely should have at least picked a different day to break the news and yes handled telling her a little more delicately

countbackfromten · 05/05/2023 19:25

@Kaaplumff if someone had done this to my sister when she was going through IVF I would have been furious on her behalf and upset for her. It was hard enough seeing what my amazing little sister went through, I cannot even imagine what it was like for her.

Wishing your sister a happy birthday and good luck for her IVF going forwards. And she is lucky to have you as support x

Emmamoo89 · 05/05/2023 19:34

TakeMe2Insanity · 05/05/2023 16:48

It was incredibly insensitive.

To those saying the sister over reacted it’s worth remembering that after ivf your hormones tend to be all over the place so her reaction is understandable.

Personally I find sending scan photos/posting them on social media incredibly insensitive.

Posting them on social media is fine as long as you tell who ever is struggling first before you post.

Coffeelotsofcoffee · 05/05/2023 19:40

Ivf veteran here . 1 son after a 9 year journey

It's unacceptable. YANBU
Put it this way. If someone you know was being made homeless cause their landlord was selling up would you brag about your 10000000 dream home your were buying.
I hope not..
Maybe it was thoughtless, maybe she was deliberately being a tw@t either way its poor behaviour

Anyonefordessert · 05/05/2023 20:02

Sorry to hear this OP and I hope your DSis will be ok. Fingers crossed in the future she will have a little one to love and cherish.
Her friend was insensitive with the scan picture. She should of told her about her pregnancy face to face. It would be very painful for your DSis.
I have a close friend and we were pregnant at the same time but heart breaking my baby died due to an infection. My friend was due 6 weeks after me and she sent me an invite to her baby shower. I didn't go as I was grieving for my baby. This was a long time ago and she just didn't think as she was so happy with her pregnancy.
Your DSis is lucky to have you and she will need you on this journey.

Original poster
Kaaplumff · 05/05/2023 23:04

Thanks for all your comments everyone. It's very sad to hear your stories of difficult times, so sending you my thoughts. Seeing the impact it's had on my sister and BIL, I wouldn't wish the struggles of infertility on anyone. Hope you're all taking care of yourselves 💗

OP posts:
Notsurewhatodohere · 06/05/2023 00:58

Whoever sent that scan is extremely thoughtless at best and definitely lacking in empathy for others. I can totally understand you feeling furious. They have not considered your sister's feelings at all. They are either very stupid, selfish or incredibly mean it should be possible to upgrade without too much trouble. You find out who your real friends are when things are tough. I hope it works out for your sister.

Frazzledmummy123 · 06/05/2023 11:12

I am sorry to hear about this, how deeply insensitive of your sister's friend. It does make it a tiny bit better if she didn't know about the negative test, however if she knew about the IVF then she should have been more thoughtful about it, especially on your sister's birthday. Your sister would have every right to feel upset and as her sister, I'd have felt same as you. Hope your sister is ok, and that she has success in the future with ttc ❤.

Reminds me of the time I had just had my 2nd miscarriage and a friend took me out for dinner to cheer me up, then spent the evening telling me she was worried ahe might be pregnant! I have never looked at her the same way since.

SchoolTripDrama · 06/05/2023 12:07

I don't understand why it's so upsetting that somebody else is pregnancy? "Wind blown out her sails?" "Sucker punched in the gut?" Because someone else has what they want???? Ridiculous

Jobhuntings · 06/05/2023 12:31

SchoolTripDrama · 06/05/2023 12:07

I don't understand why it's so upsetting that somebody else is pregnancy? "Wind blown out her sails?" "Sucker punched in the gut?" Because someone else has what they want???? Ridiculous

Do you generally lack such basic empathy in every aspect of your life?

IVFlife · 06/05/2023 12:51

As someone who has just had failed ivf this week if someone who knew how distraught I am sent me that I would be really upset.

LadyMargaretDevereux · 06/05/2023 12:56

It was thoughtless and insensitive to do that when someone is going through ivf. A bit of warning or better timing would have been much better.

Minimalme · 06/05/2023 13:27

Scan pics are intensely private.

I have a scan pic of the baby I lost and it's all I have.

At the next scan, the baby had died.

I cant look at a scan pic without thinking of what I lost.

OP, some folk on MN specialise in being insensitive themselves. It sadly doesn't surprise me they think you and your sister are too sensitive. Take it as a compliment.

Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBaby · 06/05/2023 18:32

SchoolTripDrama · 06/05/2023 12:07

I don't understand why it's so upsetting that somebody else is pregnancy? "Wind blown out her sails?" "Sucker punched in the gut?" Because someone else has what they want???? Ridiculous

Unless you've actually gone through years and years of infertility and miscarriages. You have no idea how someone in that situation would react to pregnancy news. I didn't even want to be in the same room as my now ex SIL when she was pregnant. It's taken me 4 years to be able to semi cope with pregnancy announcements/ scan pics after my 5 losses

RoseGoldEagle · 06/05/2023 18:40

You don’t send a scan photo to someone going through IVF (unless requested!), you just don’t!! YANBU OP!

YunaBalloon · 06/05/2023 19:24

I think most people are just a bit thoughtless at times, but I actually found it worse when people tried to be really sensitive. Getting pregnant with a wanted baby is a happy thing and I was happy for them. But I've never been one for getting upset or jealous because someone gets something I want but can't have.

KalimbaMoon · 06/05/2023 20:21

Scan pictures are incredibly intimate. It’s a photo of your unborn child inside your body. The inside of your body! So private! I’ve never understood people posting baby scan pictures on social media for all and sundry to see. Group WhatsApp chats are different, if it’s for close family or very close friends.

However, to just ping a scan pic through as a way of announcing a pregnancy seems quite crass at the best of times. Say something, announce it, don’t just let an intimate picture break the news on its own.

So… that’s how I feel about scan pics at the best of times. To send one to your sister, unsolicited, while knowing about her IVF journey, is thoughtless. They obviously got too excited and wrapped up in their own good news to stop and think how it could upset her.

pizzaHeart · 06/05/2023 20:29

apologies if it’s mentioned but are you absolutely sure that this message was meant for your sister? If there wasn’t any words or anything could it be that her friend has meant to send it to someone’s else?
it’s too insensitive to send such a message to your friend on her birthday when you know about her ivf.

MiniCooperLover · 06/05/2023 20:34

Did the friend know your sister was doing IVF? If so then yes very insensitive.. we did IVF (several times) but didn't tell anyone so couldn't judge if we got other our peoples good news as they didn't know our bad news (if that makes sense).

Hesxboon · 06/05/2023 21:02

First of all- You sound like an amazing compassionate and loving sister!

second not an over reaction at all, if this friend knew your sister had just had a negative after a round of ivf I think she’s an insensitive cow. How nasty not to even give her a warning.
that’s not a friend in my eyes.
I get that anyone who’s not been through infertility/ivf will ever understand how it feels but it’s the most heartbreaking traumatic to go through ( coming from personal experience) I hated pregnancy announcements but only because I wished it was me and was happy for whoever was pregnant but awfully sad for myself.
I feel for your sister not only had she just been through ivf which is so stressful but then to have a negative and a friend just rub her in the face with an announcement is awful. You sound like you really care about your sister, just be there for her, a listening ear when she’s ready to talk. She’s probably going through the shittiest time rn x

Emmamoo89 · 07/05/2023 09:12

KalimbaMoon · 06/05/2023 20:21

Scan pictures are incredibly intimate. It’s a photo of your unborn child inside your body. The inside of your body! So private! I’ve never understood people posting baby scan pictures on social media for all and sundry to see. Group WhatsApp chats are different, if it’s for close family or very close friends.

However, to just ping a scan pic through as a way of announcing a pregnancy seems quite crass at the best of times. Say something, announce it, don’t just let an intimate picture break the news on its own.

So… that’s how I feel about scan pics at the best of times. To send one to your sister, unsolicited, while knowing about her IVF journey, is thoughtless. They obviously got too excited and wrapped up in their own good news to stop and think how it could upset her.

I posted mine on social media. Nothing wrong with it. Loads do. Bit ott your comment about it

Loveyoutomatoes · 11/05/2023 23:36

Pollywoddles · 05/05/2023 19:03

Nah, anyone who has suffered infertility would never send an unsolicited photo of their scan to someone else they know in the same boat on their birthday.

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This.