Was this insensitive of friend towards my sister - ivf

[Kaaplumff]

It was my sister's bday the other week and the day before she got a -ve pregnancy test from her first round of IVF. Naturally she was devastated but she got up the next day and tried to have a nice day out with our family.

Her & BIL haven't told many people about IVF but one of their friends who did know randomly sent my sister (directly to her, not a group message) a surprise photo of their scan with no warning or anything. She checked her phone over lunch and then this blank expression and then tears just came on all of a sudden and when we were all like omg what's wrong?! She handed me her phone. (She wasn't bawling by the way, just tears). She sent them some nice congratulations back and was saying she was fine and okay, and happy for them etc. but honestly you could just see the wind went out of her for the rest of the day and BIL looked like he'd be sucker punched in the gut but put on a brave face too.

Maybe I'm biased because she's my sister and a bit protective of her (we are very close) but aibu to think that's a really really insensitive way to tell someone about your pregnancy if you know they're going through IVF? I mean, on her birthday too. Really. Couldn't they have waited.

I saw the message, there wasn't even a 'we have some exciting news' lead in so she could prepare herself. I totally get it, pregnancy is super exciting and they wanted to share their news but seriously have some consideration! I think it was so unfair to ambush her like that and put her on the spot. I don't think any of my close friends would have told me like that if they knew I was going through IVF. Possibly they thought it might make her feel good but if that's the case then I think they were kidding themselves. Idk why they directly messaged her either and not my BIL too or why they didn't put it in a group message so she wasn't on the spot to reply. Gah! I really felt so bad for her and it made me cross!

It didn't ruin her birthday or anything but it'll definitely be remembered as a really really sad moment that could have been avoided if certain people were a bit kinder.

Am I just being a bit protective of her or do you think it's a bit crap of them?

Insensitive in its carelessness I’d say. I’d also guess that she lacks tact in these situations so kinda bottled it by just sending a photo letting that do the talking. But I think so many people don’t know how to handle this unless they’ve experienced it themselves or with a close family member of friend.

I have a few friends who are battling infertility and I messaged them because I wanted them to hear the news from me, not someone else. I didn’t call so they had time to process their emotions and even cry before replying. My reason for letting them know as a priority, after family of course but before other friends, was that if I was them hearing from others, I’d be even more gutted to think that friends don’t even want to tell me their pregnant and it’d maybe emphasise difficult feelings I am already dealing with. But maybe this is the wrong approach. I’m not sure. I didn’t send my scan to anyone as I didn’t want another person to say to my friend going through IVF or repeated miscarriage something like “have u seen the scan?” I also acknowledged what they were going through in my message.

I really hope your sister has some luck and joy of her own to share soon. It’s just awful.

Agree with all the other posters also that scan photos are massively triggering. They mark and symbolise the start of motherhood for many.

She’s clearly a bit unintelligent. Maybe she needs a conversation that it was triggering so she doesn’t continue sending bump updates to which your sister has to also engage with. It could even just be your sister saying if they catch up “It was admittedly really triggering seeing something I desperately want to experience myself but I am so happy for you etc etc”. But make sure she mutes her on social media as she will likely navigate that as insensitively. Actually tbh I suppose what people put on their social media about scans and bumps and baby showers is their business so she would be within her rights to share what she likes so perhaps I’m being unfair in saying that.

The announcement could have waited until after the birthday. I also really struggled with birthdays when going through infertility, you're so aware that you're dealing with a time limit and it's heartbreaking to know you're a year older and no further on. So an announcement with a scan pic on my birthday would have been tough for me personally.

With the best will in the world you obviously haven't experienced what getting a negative result after IVF is like. Even if you know someone having IVF you still would not know. I don't see why the friend could not have practiced some sensitivity and phoned or sent her a text without showing the scan picture and waited a few days if she knew the whole situation. To me a scan picture without warning was like a punch to the gut. It is easier for people to practice some sensitivity rather than tell those experiencing this to suck it up. Also just because your twin handled it that way doesnt mean everyone else should.

Monumentally insensitive!

Even if they have been successful I wouldn't send it. It is still triggering as you kind of experience some sort of PTSD from the experience and I am not sure it ever leaves you.

Think you're being totally insensitive. Your TWIN had miscarriages etc during ivf, not you, YOU don't know how you'd react.
When I was going through ivf, not one of my close family knew my real feelings, except DH. To friends and family I was so pleased for them, and I genuinely was BUT that hid a world of emotion which crumbled in my DH arms in the privacy of my home.
Thankfully I did nt have insensitive announcements from others . 2 friends who knew we were trying, spoke to me privately to let me know before being 'ambushed' in public by the info.
OP, it hurts, the friend was insensitive esp with pics etc but hopefully not on purpose. It does get easier. Never happened for us and yrs on every now and again I have a few tears of what 'might have been '
Hope your Dsis is coping x x

@Georgeandzippyzoo I'm so sorry about everything you've been through. It's so heartbreaking to hear all the stories of what people have been through. Infertility runs so deeply through society and so many people suffer quietly. I really think it makes all the difference having good support from people who are in the loop, even if it's only a few people. Thank you for commenting and thank you to the many other words of kindness and insights shared on here.

We were lucky enough to fall pregnant with our first IVF but other cycles we had failed and I know quite a few women who have had failed cycles too.

What people who have not had IVF do not fully understand is that there is this period where the IVF clinic puts life inside your body to nurture and grow into the family that you desperately want - you are technically pregnant, and like any other newly pregnant woman, you start dreaming about what it would be like to have that dream of a family become a reality.

And then for a reason you will never know that tiny life or tiny lives die - your cycle fails and you have technically had an early miscarriage. And you grieve not only for the loss of a possible child/ren but for the future and the family you were creating in your mind.

A 'friend' sending a photo of their successful pregnancy knowing your sister's pregnancy just ended is not really a friend to me. I get that life goes on but I think a personal phone call or a one-to-one coffee on a day which was not your sister's birthday was the only way this news should have been handled.

I feel very angry for your sister on her behalf infact I think she took her friend's poor behaviour very gracefully. I hope your sister falls pregnant soon.

YANBU. Whilst I think part of this depends on if the friend knew it had failed.
I also don't think malicious, just insensitive. I've had 3 rounds of IVF and can honestly say it tests you and drains you in so many ways and after each one I found hanging around with people quite a challenge if they want to talk babies/anounce pregnancies. I think your sister handled it well and in the long term of course she will be happy for the them, it is just a shock at first. I don't think people who have not gone through infertility/IVF or had a loved one go through it ever get to see how taxing it can all be.
I feel for your sister 🌺

Very rude, unkind and insensitive.

And arrogant tbh. If someone sent me a pregnancy scan, with NO text or a 'hi', I'd be tempted to text back with '🤷🏼‍♀️?'

I think that was really awful of her. She should have taken the time to tell her one to one somewhere private. It says a lot about her friend.
When we were having endless ivf a friend got pregnant, I was so grateful about how she told me. She invited us around for a quiet lunch, me, my partner and her partner and we both had a child each at the time. She took me inside away from everyone else and told me just the two of us. I had a little cry and we hugged and I was genuinely happy for them but she totally understood I felt a bit sad about our situation.
I was so grateful that she spent time thinking about her tell me and it made her whole pregnancy a lot easier for me. When the baby arrived we had a great relationship and I am her godmother.

Incredibly insensitive. You have not been through IVF or experienced a miscarriage following IVF. Knowing someone who has is not the same.

By the sounds of things OP's sister did wish her friend well, just as you say your twin did. But that doesn't mean they were not also heartbroken. You can be happy for others while also feeling incredibly sad for your own situation. Not wallowing, just feeling sad in the moment after seeing a scan photo which represents something you want so desperately but may never have.

You can be happy for others while also feeling incredibly sad for your own situation.

This. I don’t think that this is something people who haven’t been through infertility can really understand.

It was incredibly insensitive.

To those saying the sister over reacted it’s worth remembering that after ivf your hormones tend to be all over the place so her reaction is understandable.

Personally I find sending scan photos/posting them on social media incredibly insensitive.

gpsh, they’re are some really nasty fuckers in this world

YANBU, there are so many better ways to announce that news and on someone’s birthday when you know they’ve recently had a transfer isn’t it.

When I was going through IVF and my closest friend told me she was pregnant over dinner one day (first try) I of course was the happiest person in the room, I cried happy tears, chatted the night away about how exciting it was and asking how she was feeling. I got in my car after our meal ended and sobbed in the carpark for 3 hours, I was unable to move, it was a primal type of sadness is the only way I can describe it. And I hadn’t even had a MC or a failed cycle at that point!

Anyone who hasn’t gone through infertility shouldn’t comment and can’t ever understand the complex emotions this brings out, you’re happy for someone but your sadness is often more prevalent

YANBU, your sister's friend is a dickhead.

I hope your sister starts to feel better soon.

I think these replies are unfair to the friend.

She may have known that your sister was going through IVF but without knowing that her first round definitely didn’t work. It could have been that in her head, she and her friend were both trying for babies so when it worked for her she wanted to share the news. The friend could have faced her own fertility issues for all we know.

Surely it's not the mode of delivery but the news that upset your sister? I could easily believe that in her excitement the friend didn't even consider the date, just sent a message to her friends. The reality is people in her life will need to tell her they're pregnant, and the advice on here is repeatedly to send a message rather than call/ do it face to face to allow the recipient of the news time to process it before facing you. Yes, the timing is unfortunate but that's not the friends fault. Sometimes life happens at inopportune times.

I had to completely remove myself from social media during the ivf years because of the volume of scan photos and pregnancy/birth announcements. Every one of them (often several a week!) felt like a body blow and left me in tears for the whole day. My close friends who had pregnancies to announce were thoughtful enough to text me and let me know before any general announcement, so I had the opportunity to process it on my own.

Your sister’s friend was very thoughtless, but I think that people generally are unless they have been through the horrific experience of infertility themselves.
PP upthread said your sister needs to develop a thicker skin. Sorry but that’s an ignorant and unkind thing to say. The trauma of infertility is equivalent to having a terminal illness (so the studies say). What your sister needs is kindness and support. I hope she is successful next time.

Of course the timing is her friends fault, who else chose when to send the message?

FFS

It wasn't even a message, just a photo.

My sister is also going through IVF following miscarriages. When I found out I was pregnant, she was the first one I told, I didn’t show her scans etc unless she asked (which she did). Baby chat was few and far between and initiated by her and her partner. She ended up in the delivery room with me just days after a failed round of IVF.

Honestly, I think it helped her and the midwives were fantastic with her.

She is very much involved with baby& very much in love with being an aunt again, she just needed time to process the information.

I think her friend has been very insensitive however, like you I’m very defensive of my sister.

YANBU. A good friend would have done it in person in a sensitive way. Not a flashy scan photo on her bloody birthday.

That really is awful and incredibly un-selfaware.