Was this insensitive of friend towards my sister - ivf

[Kaaplumff]

It was my sister's bday the other week and the day before she got a -ve pregnancy test from her first round of IVF. Naturally she was devastated but she got up the next day and tried to have a nice day out with our family.

Her & BIL haven't told many people about IVF but one of their friends who did know randomly sent my sister (directly to her, not a group message) a surprise photo of their scan with no warning or anything. She checked her phone over lunch and then this blank expression and then tears just came on all of a sudden and when we were all like omg what's wrong?! She handed me her phone. (She wasn't bawling by the way, just tears). She sent them some nice congratulations back and was saying she was fine and okay, and happy for them etc. but honestly you could just see the wind went out of her for the rest of the day and BIL looked like he'd be sucker punched in the gut but put on a brave face too.

Maybe I'm biased because she's my sister and a bit protective of her (we are very close) but aibu to think that's a really really insensitive way to tell someone about your pregnancy if you know they're going through IVF? I mean, on her birthday too. Really. Couldn't they have waited.

I saw the message, there wasn't even a 'we have some exciting news' lead in so she could prepare herself. I totally get it, pregnancy is super exciting and they wanted to share their news but seriously have some consideration! I think it was so unfair to ambush her like that and put her on the spot. I don't think any of my close friends would have told me like that if they knew I was going through IVF. Possibly they thought it might make her feel good but if that's the case then I think they were kidding themselves. Idk why they directly messaged her either and not my BIL too or why they didn't put it in a group message so she wasn't on the spot to reply. Gah! I really felt so bad for her and it made me cross!

It didn't ruin her birthday or anything but it'll definitely be remembered as a really really sad moment that could have been avoided if certain people were a bit kinder.

Am I just being a bit protective of her or do you think it's a bit crap of them?

Just to say, I agree a message is the right way to do it, just not a scan photo.

If the friend knew about the -ve test then it was insensitive. The advice I have seen is that it is better to send a message when someone is alone and can process the news and then it would be a message, not a frigging scan photo on the recipient's birthday.

I am sure you don't think she was being deliberately unkind. I do not think that people who have not had fertility issues really understand. However as someone who has had IVF treatment I would also say that MN seems to believe that the people around you should be so careful, so understanding, never say the wrong thing..all the time....

It was incredibly unkind and thoughtless.

You have siad that your sister is enthusiastic about other pregnancies and babies, so if the friend didn't know about your sister's result then maybe she assumed that your sister would be pleased for her. Perhaps she forgot it was your sister's birthday too in the excitment at her own news.

A bit weird to send a photo without any message, or did she send a message with it, but didn't send one before? Although sending a message saying 'I've got some news' without saying what it is, could be equally upsetting. What if someone had died, or she'd got a bad health diagnosis or something and your'e sitting there stressing.

It was extremely insensitive. Sending an unsolicited scan photo on your sister’s birthday seems extremely lacking in empathy and common sense.

It is so hard. Some close friends of ours were infertile and were going through the adoption process - and I kept getting pregnant at the drop of a hat! It was very hard each time to find the right words to tell them as I knew it was rubbing salt in the wound.

I had loads of losses, failed IVF, finally had a healthy baby and what that woman did to your sister has really triggered me.

It was breathtakingly insensitive. I wouldn’t be able to look at her in the same light again so your sister is a bigger person than me.

I think this was insensitive as the friend knew about your sisters IVF treatment, she did it on her birthday and she sent a scan photo.

She would have been more sensitive if she has waited until another day and had just sent a message with no photo.

Maybe she thought she was doing the best. We deliberated long and hard when we had a similar situation about how to approach it. Approached it in what we thought was a really sensitive way but ultimately the person was upset. I think that news would probably always have up set your sister. I hope she gets her BFP soon x

See, this type of thoughtless person I wouldn’t really want in my life.

Just a small heads up and a few kind words along with the news would have gone very far.

As far as things go it was probably the most insensitive way to tell someone in these circumstances, and on their birthday.

Telling my friend I was pregnant after she recently had a miscarriage was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but we were so close at the time and I didn’t want to lie to her. She was kind but I could tell she was heart broken - I didn’t tell her on an exciting way, more of an apologetic one. Of course I didn’t actually apologise but I was sensitive to her feelings.

Though the other side is then feeling left out as the rest of the friends know and you don’t because you’re having issues so they wait ages to tell you and then you feel disconnected from your child-have friends even more as you miss out on a lot of the conversations. There’s no way to win. (Current experience).

Sending a scan photo to someone on their birthday who has just had a failed round of IVF is an absolute arsehole thing to do.

I wish your sister luck 🤞🏻

Her friend is an arsehole at best a vindictive bitch at worst. Encourage your sister to mute the friend in all social media and focus on herself.

But did the friend know an IVF round had failed, or just that the OP's sister was going through IVF?

If the friend had been told some time ago that she was 'going through IVF' it's perhaps unrealistic to expect this to remain at the forefront of her mind.

Of course, you might argue that sending out scan pictures is a bad idea anyway, as you don't know what might be happening in the recipients' lives, but I'm not sure the friend is to blame for this specific incident.

Wishing your sister luck, OP.

Some people are so insensitive when it comes to others experiencing issues conceiving I'm not even surprised anymore. Had my fair shair of insensitive interactions and I don't get how hard can it be to have some empathy?
Heartbroken for your sister.

This. other than family, I can't imagine anyone really being remotely interested in seeing someone scan photo.

This. I actually think the friend wasn’t being very nice. She didn’t need to send a scan photo at all and to not say anything else in the message is suspect. Not nice at all

And still wished people well.

So? OP's sister wished her friend well as well.

Your post is quite insensitive. It's not wallowing to be upset by an out of the blue baby scan when you're experiencing infertility.

Extremely thoughtless and unkind. And on her birthday too!

I think this friend was a total bitch, in all honesty.

I hope your sister has good news soon x

Personally, I wouldn’t send a scan photo to anyone I knew was in the orbit of IVF at all.

Sending a scan photo to anyone who you know has been struggling with infertility/pregnancy loss recently (unless they are pregnant or have had the children they wanted) is arsehole behaviour.

If she somehow had forgotten that her friend was having IVF and that it was her birthday, she’s probably not the best either.

I’ve been in the position your sister is in. Total dick move from her friend. No one not going through ivf can truly understand what it feels like, and it’s so easy for others not in that position to tell her how to feel. I’d be giving that ‘friend’ a lot of distance right now.

Really horrible thing for the “friend” to do. I can’t quite believe it. I had a close friend who couldn’t get pregnant for a long time, lots of failed ivf rounds that were killing them emotionally and financially. I kept getting pregnant easily and really struggled to tell her each time. She had to distance herself from me for a period (until she finally had her wonderful twins) which I completely understood as it was just too painful for her.

I've no experience with IVF, but I think that what your sister's friend did was thoughtless. A) just a scan photo B) sending it on her birthday when she's going to be celebrating!

I can understand that the friend maybe wanted to tell your sister before everyone knew.

There are two ways to do that - she could've told her a bit before the scan - if they're close enough for her to know of your sister's ivf, the friend could've asked her to keep it quiet in case it wasn't to be. Or she could have waited a couple days after the scan before breaking the news.

I think with your sister's situation, a proper conversation and the offer of seeing the scan if she wanted to would have been kinder as well.

Your poor sister, I'm hurt on her behalf and I don't even know her. Of course her friend should have been more thoughtful and sensitive. Hopefully your sister gets a positive outcome soon.

Sending a scan is an odd way of conveying the news that you are pregnant. It's insensitive towards those experiencing fertility problems and unnecessary for everyone else.
If this friend knew it was your sisters birthday then it was out of order regardless of whether she knew sbout negative result.
Wishing your dsis strength and success with the process ahead.