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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the cat

115 replies

VioletMissing2 · 03/05/2023 05:12

I feel like the worst person on earth

I’ve wanted a cat my entire life, having grown up with them. My mum even fosters for a charity, so I’ve spent most of my life surrounded by cats and it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I finally bought my own flat and could get one. So I waited for the right one to adopt. I wanted an older one that would be happy indoors as I’m on the second floor of a house conversion with no direct access to our shared garden. I knew that by getting an old cat he may have some issues, but this has so far surpassed anything

Since he arrived, all he has done is scream. He is so loud it is impossible to take calls at home, watch tv and most importantly sleep. Every night for the last two months, he has started screaming at 3am and not finished screaming until 6am. Ear plugs don’t work, and it’s a one bed flat so I can hear him everywhere. My neighbours can hear him. He is extremely loud and it is endless. Nothing will stop him

I have tried everything to get him to stop. We have been to the vets three times. He thought he was deaf and while he probably is a little bit, he can still hear everything else. He’s bad expensive arthritis injections which made no difference at all. I’ve changed his food, I’ve changed the timing of his food. I’ve changed his water. I play with him to make sure he’s not bored. Someone thought he might like to be outside, so now I’m taking him out and dragging him back in while he screams at me as I have to carry him a long way to the garden which he hates. I can’t function at work because it’s been 8 weeks of broken sleep for no time at all. My boyfriend can’t stay over anymore because he has to be up early for work and it would be impossible.

it’s currently 5am and I have been awake for two hours now. I can hear the cat screaming, I’ve had to lock him in the living room (he has access to everything there). I’ve got ear plugs in and he’s all I can hear

AIBU to wish I’d just never got him and to hate him

OP posts:
broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 05:22

The cat sounds unhappy I would consider going back to the adoption centre and explaining. It sounds like perhaps this cat isn't as happy indoors as you were led to believe.

Original poster
VioletMissing2 · 03/05/2023 05:33

He was an indoor cat at his fosterers though while he was up for adoption for months and he didn’t behave like this with them so they’re all baffled as to why he hates it now. I’ve been taking him outside in the last week and it’s made no difference. He seems happy to be inside during the hours of 6am-2pm.

OP posts:
MyEyesAreBleeding · 03/05/2023 05:45

Have you tried letting him in the same room as you?

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 05:51

Yes maybe he is lonely?

Original poster
VioletMissing2 · 03/05/2023 05:55

yes. Initially he was put in the living room, but I worried he was lonely, so I tried leaving lights on, leaving the radio on, it didnt help so now he can come into my room. It hasn’t helped. Now he just walks up and down the flat screaming instead

everyone i speak to about it tells me to give it more time but it’s been two months of no more than four hours sleep a night and I genuinely can’t take it anymore

OP posts:
lottie2888 · 03/05/2023 05:59

If he is older could he have dementia? I have no idea how they diagnose that in a cat but it’s sounds really odd behaviour.

delilabell · 03/05/2023 06:03

Have you tried feliway? It helps feline anxiety. It's like crack for cats

theGooHasGone · 03/05/2023 07:16

Our shelter cat would scream and howl overnight when we got him. It wasn't always constant but he would make a lot of noise. We've never figured out why. He was returned three times before he came to live with us. He had some aggression issues too so the vet gave him a prescription for Prozac, and after being on it for a while he calmed down a lot. He's like a different cat now. He still does howl at night very occasionally but nothing like as much as he used to. We also live in a detached house which made it less of an issue with neighbours and gave us a little more space from him.

If you don't feel like you can do it and there's no improvement in the horizon, I don't think there's nothing wrong with putting him back up for adoption by someone else and trying again in future. Being kept awake is not sustainable and sometimes these things just aren't meant to be.

CaroleSinger · 03/05/2023 07:23

Sadly I think you need to concede defeat with this particular cat and just take him back to the charity. You've given it a fair amount of time and It's not working. You say he wasn't like this at the shelter but was anyone there at 3am to hear it? I'd be returning him as even if he spent the rest of his life at the shelter, he'd still have stability there which is better than being in a home where you know it's not working and you can't cope with it anymore. This isn't going to lead to a happy fulfilling relationship for either of you. Do what you need to do for both of you right now and return him x

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/05/2023 07:58

Have you tried medication?

GeekyThings · 03/05/2023 08:05

Sounds like dementia, or maybe he had a stroke. I had a cat that did something similar, although not as loud nor as long.

Go back to vet and tell them to investigate as it clearly isn't arthritis! And get loads of feliway. Also my vet gave me some calming, anti-anxiety drugs that worked before taking her in (she hated the vet), I'm sure they can find something similar for a distressed elderly cat.

HonorHiding · 03/05/2023 08:14

The wise and experienced heads on the Litter Tray board may have some ideas:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/the_litter_tray

To me it sounds as though, for all the care you have taken, unfortunately this was the wrong match.

doubleoseven · 03/05/2023 08:22

It might be severe anxiety due to his unsettled past. I would speak to your vet about behaviour meds. As pp mentioned prozac can be very useful.

Mephisneon · 03/05/2023 08:35

How old is the cat op?

It does sound like there's something going on. I know it's really hard but if the adoption isn't working out you can return him. As it's also not in his best interests to be unhappy. Sorry this is happening. It must be stressful.

catscatscurrantscurrants · 03/05/2023 08:39

If he is elderly, it could be a kind of dementia. One of my cats, when she got older, would wander up and down and yowl continuously late at night, and the vet thought that this was the cause. In her case, she was comforted by being cuddled and sleeping next to me. You may have to admit defeat with your cat however. I'd do as others have suggested, and take him back to the rescue. The right person needs to be found for him. There will be another cat somewhere out there who will be contented with you, this one plainly isn't. The situation is making you both unhappy.

hotdiggetydog · 03/05/2023 08:42

He hates where he is so he's letting you know at the most inconvenient time so you get rid of him.

Piony · 03/05/2023 08:45

Take him back. You've given it a really good go but it's not working for either of you.

SpringSparrow · 03/05/2023 08:47

I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out for you. You can’t go on like that. Don’t be hard on yourself. I’d take him back, it shouldn’t be that hard.

Original poster
VioletMissing2 · 03/05/2023 09:08

Thank you I didn’t know about this

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletMissing2 · 03/05/2023 09:12

Thanks all for responses. I’ve woken up and feel awful about saying I hate him.

he is an older cat - 15. Apart from the screaming he doesn’t show any other signs of dementia. I don’t feel like I’ve done enough to return to him yet. He’s been through a lot this year and deserved some stability before I just chuck the towel in. I’m just at a loss as to what else to try and do. There are a lot of moments throughout the day of genuine affection from him, and calmness, a real 80/20 split in behaviour. It’s just the 20 is pretty terrible.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 03/05/2023 09:17

Walking up and down screaming inconsolably is a big sign of dementia in cats.

Especially as yours is in a new home without other cats and probably doesn't know where he is.

I'd see if he calms down with some Feliway. Also has the vet checked his thyroid?

Nimbostratus100 · 03/05/2023 09:24

I am so glad you took back the word "hate" - please dont hate him, It sounds like a horrible situation and it may well be there is nothing you can do. Even Jackson Galaxy, cat behaviour guru, admits that there is sometimes nothing that can be done to stop a cat that habitually vocalises, There are things you can try first, though - look at what Jackson Galaxy suggests on his your tube vidoes, try feliway, prozac, and other suggestions on this thread, but dont take it personally if it doesn't work. He could just be a noisy cat 😥its not his fault, or your fault, but you might just be incompatible.

If you have grown up with cats, you know they are all unique individuals, and we never know quite what weve got when we bring one through the door, it all becomes apparent when their personalities start to show, sometimes we hit the jackpot, and sometimes we dont.

SallyWD · 03/05/2023 09:26

My cat did this when we moved house. He was very distressed. We gave him Zylkene (a natural calming supplement) and it stopped. He dies sound very unhappy.

Squidger45 · 03/05/2023 09:42

My rescue used to trash the house at night. Everything that could be knocked off, was - and loudly. She would mew constantly too.

I started putting Valerian root extract drops on her tea (from holland and barrett) and she soon settled into a normal cat 🤣🤣

Imperialleathers · 03/05/2023 09:49

The cat sounds very unhappy as other posters have said. I would go back to the charity, it's stressing you out and he's clearly not happy so he's probably very stressed as-well. Explain and see what they can do for you.

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