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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People who can't understand others' point of view

89 replies

Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:21

I'm 31, no children and don't drive, which some people absolutely cannot fathom.

I was in a group job interview last week, a woman my age asked me how I'd got there, so I said on public transport. She asked me if I drove and I said no.
She gawped at me, mouth wide open and said 'You.. don't... drive?!!" And just looked at me in horror.
Then she said, "Well , you should've learned when you turned 17."

Oh really, I didn't think of that one? I tried many times to pass but I never took to it, and I've recently started lessons again but can only afford an hour a week.

I've just been asked by a colleague if I had children, a colleague the same age. I said no, and then was asked if I wanted them. I told her I was on the fence about it and she said, "Are you serious?!" "Why don't you want children?!" "Do you have a partner?"
She scoffed when I told her my partner wasn't planning to have them at present either.

In both examples I did the typical female polite laughing it off thing, but I shouldn't have really. I feel like this is going to be a recurring theme in my life.

Does anyone else get this? I'll try not to let it get to me, I have a feeling this will go on until I'm over childbearing age.
It's like some people can't imagine anyone thinks differently to them.

OP posts:
takethebullybythehorns · 30/04/2023 22:23

I didn't learn to drive until I was 29 and some people were weird about it if I gave them the information, yes. The weirdos were always the low-self-esteem people who got off on putting other people down.

Ignore em.

Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:23

I had a colleague when I was 27 who bullied me, she came from a very religious community where marriage in your early 20s is commonplace. She'd make these jibes about how I was 'living my life on the edge' and would ask me Don't you want stability? Don't you want a husband?'

OP posts:
Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:25

You're right, it probably is low self esteem. I also think it's just very narrow mindedness, they can't possibly imagine that someone cannot drive or doesn't want children. I have plenty of colleagues men and women of all ages who don't drive. It's not ideal but we all get by, we're not some sort of freakshow.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 30/04/2023 22:26

Just take no notice of these type of people. They're the type of people who will rudely comment on anything. I used to get grilled over being vegetarian. Do you have to work with them? I Would avoid at all costs jobs where I have to work with relentlessly toxic people, the odd insensitive remark or idiotic question is normal but if it's constant all day long I'd be finding somewhere else to work.

Keyan · 30/04/2023 22:26

This is sad to read. But (and please don't take this wrongly)O it also sounds like you're also bringing it on yourself IMO. I mean, what is the reason for this thread? Why are you putting so much emphasis on a random woman from a job interview? I would have told her to shut her mouth if she spoke to me like that. Also, the colleague questioning your lack of children. Tell her to STFU! Life is too short to be polite to people always IMO.

Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:27

I wish I hadn't done that stupid polite laughing it off. I do that when I'm put on the spot, that's crazy people grilled you over being vegetarian, what goes on in their heads?

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 30/04/2023 22:27

Also I drive and have a child and would never consider being rude about people who have chosen different paths to me on this, I wouldn't even bring it up.

Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:28

You're right I don't know why I should care. I think maybe it's because I was bullied a lot when I was younger and now in my 30s I just want people to mind their own business. The colleague is quite widely disliked and is known for being rude, luckily I don't work with her much.

OP posts:
takethebullybythehorns · 30/04/2023 22:29

I get you, OP. I used to do the acccommodating laugh.

Now I say "I'm really happy with things the way they are, I'm not looking to change anything" when people start to shit talk me.

It's uncomfortable initially, but only because you have to watch them grapple with their own internal world rather than project it all outward.

Give it a try, it's great.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 30/04/2023 22:29

Ha it would start with oh what have you got for lunch today, then go into so why are you a veggie? When I tried to explain they would then argue back with me as though I'd started it, when all I wanted to do was eat my lunch in peace!

Oh your diet must be so limited!

No it really isn't, seeing as you comment on my different lunch every single day when you eat the exact same ham sandwich every single day.

I don't engage anymore ha

Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:30

That sounds like a great thing to say, I'll try it. I feel like as women we're conditioned to be very accommodating and polite at all times even when people don't deserve it.

OP posts:
Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:30

Wow that sounds so annoying, who do they think they are commenting on your lunch every day. How does it affect them what other people choose to eat.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 30/04/2023 22:32

It happens all the time on here. OP seeks advice about reducing contact with their hideously toxic mother and someone wanders in mournfully pointing out that their own mum died two years ago and they’d love nothing more than to be able to sit down and have another “cuppa” with her so OP might want to think again. 🙄

Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:33

I don't drink alcohol either. Oh the comments that produces. "So you don't drink anything at all?! Really?!"

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Goodoccasionallypoor · 30/04/2023 22:33

Non drinkers get this all the time. My partner doesn't drink and people react so weirdly when they find out, he may as well say he's from Mars.

Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:33

Oh yeah, tell me about it. 🙄

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Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:34

They probably feel bad about their own drinking so are choosing to project onto other people.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 30/04/2023 22:34

That was many years ago luckily I work from home now :) wish you all the best op and honestly please do not let these people get to you! Never feel like you have to justify yourself to anyone.

A good generic answer to stupid critiques of your life is "well it suits me just fine"

There isn't really anything they can come back to with that.

Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:35

You're right :) thank you

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 30/04/2023 22:35

Goodoccasionallypoor · 30/04/2023 22:33

Non drinkers get this all the time. My partner doesn't drink and people react so weirdly when they find out, he may as well say he's from Mars.

God yes! So annoying.

WandaWonder · 30/04/2023 22:36

We live in an apartment, don't have a car (my husband drives I dont) have one child and take weird holidays (it seems)

We get this all the time but it really doesn't bother us we just roll our eyes really

Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:37

Wow, you don't even live in a house, I live in a flat too, the horror 😁

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IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 01/05/2023 00:15

I’m a teetotal, childfree vegetarian, so there are many people who don’t understand me!

I have a friend who just cannot accept that people have different opinions and preferences. If your opinion is different to hers, then you’re wrong!

For example, she always has her bedroom windows open at night. I prefer to have my windows closed at night - but apparently that’s wrong! She doesn’t understand that my preference is different to hers.

SemperIdem · 01/05/2023 00:21

Not having or wanting children isn’t something I struggle to get my head around.

I do struggle to get my head around adults who have never learned to drive, unless they live in central London. Particularly those who have never tried to learn. It just seems so enormously inconvenient. I say that as someone who walks a lot, rather than driving. But the option is still there.

JamSandle · 01/05/2023 00:23

People can be really judgemental. I wish I'd learnt younger how to just not give a fuck XD

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