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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who can't understand others' point of view

89 replies

Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:21

I'm 31, no children and don't drive, which some people absolutely cannot fathom.

I was in a group job interview last week, a woman my age asked me how I'd got there, so I said on public transport. She asked me if I drove and I said no.
She gawped at me, mouth wide open and said 'You.. don't... drive?!!" And just looked at me in horror.
Then she said, "Well , you should've learned when you turned 17."

Oh really, I didn't think of that one? I tried many times to pass but I never took to it, and I've recently started lessons again but can only afford an hour a week.

I've just been asked by a colleague if I had children, a colleague the same age. I said no, and then was asked if I wanted them. I told her I was on the fence about it and she said, "Are you serious?!" "Why don't you want children?!" "Do you have a partner?"
She scoffed when I told her my partner wasn't planning to have them at present either.

In both examples I did the typical female polite laughing it off thing, but I shouldn't have really. I feel like this is going to be a recurring theme in my life.

Does anyone else get this? I'll try not to let it get to me, I have a feeling this will go on until I'm over childbearing age.
It's like some people can't imagine anyone thinks differently to them.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/05/2023 00:31

Honestly OP, you sound like you’re going for MN hot button bingo here.

But in case it’s not a wind up. Just stop caring what other people think. You can’t give outsiders the power over your self esteem and then get angry that they use it. It is entirely within your control.

LauraNicolaides · 01/05/2023 00:46

Really the only thing you can do is to accept that their opinions simply don't matter - who cares?

(If you do decide that you do care then their opinions do matter and you'd better learn to drive. And have kids.)

TedMullins · 01/05/2023 00:56

SemperIdem · 01/05/2023 00:21

Not having or wanting children isn’t something I struggle to get my head around.

I do struggle to get my head around adults who have never learned to drive, unless they live in central London. Particularly those who have never tried to learn. It just seems so enormously inconvenient. I say that as someone who walks a lot, rather than driving. But the option is still there.

The option isn’t really still there if you repeatedly fail your test then can’t afford to keep learning.

Ignore them OP. Put them on the spot with the classic mumsnet “did you mean to be so rude?” People who can’t fathom life outside their own experience and bubble generally aren’t very bright.

SmallFerret · 01/05/2023 01:06

I've just been asked by a colleague if I had children, a colleague the same age. I said no, and then was asked if I wanted them. I told her I was on the fence about it and she said, "Are you serious?!" "Why don't you want children?!" "Do you have a partner?"

Shock PP have given some good responses to this. Another one (well it worked for me) is "I'd really rather not discuss it" delivered in a lukewarm manner. Few people are SO insensitive they keep pushing after that. If they do (& some do, ffs) resort to Broken Record, & just reiterate the same phrase on repeat.
Hairday · 01/05/2023 01:09

Stop being so meek, OP! Just turn it around on them. "why does that surprise you?" or slightly less aggressive, "you seem surprised. Have you really never come across this before?"

Original poster
Looooop · 01/05/2023 06:23

Yeah exactly, not everyone gets on with driving otherwise there'd be closer to 100% pass rate. It's simply just not that easy for some people.
I should, I think sometimes in the moment I freeze and don't expect it but I need to practice reacting like that.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 01/05/2023 06:25

The only response to ‘why don’t you have a husband’ is just lucky I guess.

Ponoka7 · 01/05/2023 06:43

SemperIdem · 01/05/2023 00:21

Not having or wanting children isn’t something I struggle to get my head around.

I do struggle to get my head around adults who have never learned to drive, unless they live in central London. Particularly those who have never tried to learn. It just seems so enormously inconvenient. I say that as someone who walks a lot, rather than driving. But the option is still there.

Why do you struggle with the concept of someone not being able to afford lessons, have the confidence etc etc?

ChaosOnTheCoast · 01/05/2023 06:49

LightDrizzle · 30/04/2023 22:32

It happens all the time on here. OP seeks advice about reducing contact with their hideously toxic mother and someone wanders in mournfully pointing out that their own mum died two years ago and they’d love nothing more than to be able to sit down and have another “cuppa” with her so OP might want to think again. 🙄

So true. It’s so irritating to read.

ChaosOnTheCoast · 01/05/2023 06:52

People are ridiculous. I find it quite interesting when people make different choices and would never question someone who didn’t have kids or didn’t drive. Why does it matter???

Anyone who ‘can’t get their head around’ why someone does things differently, is really rather thick.

itsgettingweird · 01/05/2023 07:11

Looooop · 01/05/2023 06:23

Yeah exactly, not everyone gets on with driving otherwise there'd be closer to 100% pass rate. It's simply just not that easy for some people.
I should, I think sometimes in the moment I freeze and don't expect it but I need to practice reacting like that.

Are you learning auto or manual?

I know many people who've switched to learning automatic because they struggled. Worth considering if it works for you and you want to learn.

Other than that - yes - you're right. People are so quick to judge someone else's choices based on what they did or what they think.

Oh never seems to dawn on them they are being rude or judgemental or that there may actually be a reason for those things not happening.

funinthesun19 · 01/05/2023 07:28

I don’t drink. People are so weird about alcohol when they find out someone doesn’t drink. I just hate the stuff. It tastes vile unless it’s heavily diluted by lemonade. By which point I might as well just have a lemonade.

Plus it just makes me feel like shit. I used to go really emotional and start crying, and feel really low the next day when also full of a hangover.

So yeah. Not a fan. But people get so shocked and flabbergasted. I get called a bore and a misery guts for not having a drink, but I just do not like it.

Farmerama1 · 01/05/2023 07:35

Some people are idiots OP. And those types of question are so intrusive. Some people battle infertility or can’t drive due to serious medical conditions. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, and are perfectly within your rights to say that ‘my uterus is not your concern’.

Whochangedmynamec · 01/05/2023 07:37

You have the perfect excuse now

”You….. don’t ….drive?”

”No, I care about my carbon footprint.Wait, don’t you?” Gasp ☺️

Fairislefandango · 01/05/2023 07:39

People like this are dimwitted and sorely lacking in imagination, OP. Try to ignore their stupid remarks!

funinthesun19 · 01/05/2023 07:43

I also don’t drive. I mean I can, I have my licence but just don’t have a car. I’ve never personally had any comments from people, but I know what the general feeling it towards people who don’t drive.

What I find ironic too: I bet lots of people who pull their faces about non-drivers are also the ones who are super worried about the planet too. So why are they so bothered that someone doesn’t drive? Be happy that it’s one less car on the road and STFU.

Elvira2000 · 01/05/2023 07:47

Who got the job? Was this conversation being observed by the potential employers? In which case i don't think the comment about driving would have gone in the woman's favour.

Me and dh had this discussion last night about when someone says "i don't understand" about someone else (or similar sentiment).

Does it mean "i literally do not have the empathy to reason why that choice was made" eg can't figure out that may be driving was attempted but didn't work out.

Or does it mean "that is not a choice i would have made" eg i would have ensured i passed my test despite difficulties.

Either way it shows lack of empathy and rudeness. And huge self absorption - only emphasing their own point of view instead of being geninuely interested in the other person.

lightand · 01/05/2023 07:51

I think you need answers ready for the different scenarios.
I dont think you are going to be able to change enough people to "educate" them all.

I know someone who is about 55. She still gets asked if she is married.
She tells people she was engaged 5 times. I dont know her well enough yet to know if she is joking or not.

Kissedbyfire1 · 01/05/2023 07:53

DH gets this a lot about his job. Usually laughter, followed by “that’s not a real job” and loads and loads of questions about it, all designed to elicit the information that they really want but can’t ask and can’t guess, which is “how much do you earn?”

cherrypied · 01/05/2023 07:54

It's narrow mindedness. Opinionated. Judgemental

One step away from bigotry

I'm an the total opposite of this and open minded and very much (I know it's a horrible social media cliche) you do you hun.

Try and reply with "each to their own" but bigots don't really process with this!

hamstersarse · 01/05/2023 08:02

Yes, people make comments and can be rude etc. but the reason it is triggering you is because these are things that truly bother you, whether you like admitting it to yourself or not.

They are things that obviously matter to you.

A more honest conversation would therefore be, like you’ve said on here…yes, I’m really frustrated with myself for not being able to pass my test.

Yes, I’ve no children and <insert honest answer on the lines of “I’m not totally set yet on what we are going to do”>

It does take 2 to have a good conversation and it’s easy to walk away saying ‘what a bitch’ but you weren’t being honest in the conversation either, and most likely it would have been a much better conversation if you had been

Original poster
Looooop · 01/05/2023 08:20

Well if they're having these ridiculous reactions then yes it is going to make me feel worse. It's making me feel like something is wrong even if it is their problem. I don't feel bad or ashamed about not having children, I think many people are stuck in some sort of mindset that women exist mainly to reproduce and how could anyone not want a child as you will 'never know what real love is' yuck.
I have explained to people in the past that I just haven't had success with driving and most are understanding. It's people like this woman who probably doesn't go anywhere without her car and thinks public transport is for lesser beings or something.

OP posts:
crew2022 · 01/05/2023 09:03

SemperIdem · 01/05/2023 00:21

Not having or wanting children isn’t something I struggle to get my head around.

I do struggle to get my head around adults who have never learned to drive, unless they live in central London. Particularly those who have never tried to learn. It just seems so enormously inconvenient. I say that as someone who walks a lot, rather than driving. But the option is still there.

Learning to drive, particularly at 17, is a privilege. You need money to pay for insurance , a provisional license, and....very expensive lessons as well as access to a car to practice and reduce number of hours of very expensive lessons required.
People need to open their eyes to other people's circumstances more.
Also there are many other reasons the OP has stated why someone might not want to drive.
It's not compulsory and it doesn't impact you so why struggle with it?

Original poster
Looooop · 01/05/2023 09:04

Learning to drive at 17 usually requires your parents or guardians having a few £££ spare. Not everybody does!

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 01/05/2023 09:13

I think for the comments on not wanting children my reply might be along the lines of yes I rather value my perineum.

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