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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People who can't understand others' point of view

89 replies

Looooop · 30/04/2023 22:21

I'm 31, no children and don't drive, which some people absolutely cannot fathom.

I was in a group job interview last week, a woman my age asked me how I'd got there, so I said on public transport. She asked me if I drove and I said no.
She gawped at me, mouth wide open and said 'You.. don't... drive?!!" And just looked at me in horror.
Then she said, "Well , you should've learned when you turned 17."

Oh really, I didn't think of that one? I tried many times to pass but I never took to it, and I've recently started lessons again but can only afford an hour a week.

I've just been asked by a colleague if I had children, a colleague the same age. I said no, and then was asked if I wanted them. I told her I was on the fence about it and she said, "Are you serious?!" "Why don't you want children?!" "Do you have a partner?"
She scoffed when I told her my partner wasn't planning to have them at present either.

In both examples I did the typical female polite laughing it off thing, but I shouldn't have really. I feel like this is going to be a recurring theme in my life.

Does anyone else get this? I'll try not to let it get to me, I have a feeling this will go on until I'm over childbearing age.
It's like some people can't imagine anyone thinks differently to them.

OP posts:
IDontWantToBeAPie · 01/05/2023 12:46

Meh here in London tonnes of people don't drive. Me and DP both have a licence but there's no parking where we live so we don't have a car. Most of our friends can't drive - no point when you have the tube.

JamSandle · 01/05/2023 12:59

Loads of people don't drive or learn later. In lots of places driving isn't necessary.

OhmygodDont · 01/05/2023 13:06

I don’t get it either not all of us had parents who could afford lessons for us some of us shock horror even have parents who also don’t drive.

why don’t you drive “I’m not allowed” is a good one when I cnba with people I’ll never see again or “got better things to spend my money on”

With the husband one “Don’t want one, don’t see the appeal”

I’ve had a few driving lessons and I could technically drive I guess but I actually don’t see the appeal where am I driving to? Tesco? Sainsbury’s ? Sainsbury’s is only a 20/30 minute walk. Take a granny trolly and/or catch the bus back for a capped £2 right now.

Dh is a terrible passenger so any long trips would be him anyway.

tabulahrasa · 01/05/2023 13:15

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 01/05/2023 00:15

I’m a teetotal, childfree vegetarian, so there are many people who don’t understand me!

I have a friend who just cannot accept that people have different opinions and preferences. If your opinion is different to hers, then you’re wrong!

For example, she always has her bedroom windows open at night. I prefer to have my windows closed at night - but apparently that’s wrong! She doesn’t understand that my preference is different to hers.

In fairness I’d argue with people that they’re just plain wrong over inconsequential things like windows, or which order you put jam and cream on scones or similarly silly differences of opinion... precisely because it’s just a preference about something little, it’s not a serious conversation.

Actual life choices are different.

HellonMN · 01/05/2023 13:31

You've described alot of MNetters.

Especially the not driving thing. There have been endless threads about how that is somehow indicative of someone's character and a 'red flag' when dating.

user68901 · 01/05/2023 13:36

Maybe I would say something like would the world be boring if we were all the same 🤷‍♀️ and then disengage.

user68901 · 01/05/2023 13:36

*Wouldn’t

iklboo · 01/05/2023 13:46

My husband's a driving instructor and I don't drive. My first driving instructor when I was 17 was a horrible bully who made me drive down a side road sitting on my hands to show I didn't need to hold the wheel so tightly (I wasn't).

Then I worked jobs in the city centre where it's easier to use public transport.

Now I have a medical condition which means I can't drive at all. As in DVLA can't drive. I still get the stupid 'what if your son was ill and had to go to hospital?'

Well I'm pretty sure he'd be safer in a taxi or ambulance than with me behind the wheel risking both our lives and those of other road users and pedestrians.

LlynTegid · 01/05/2023 13:50

Some people don't drive because of medical issues or conditions. Many do who in my opinion should not.

However well intended, criticising someone who does not drive could be a form of putting down someone with a disability.

Yolo12345 · 01/05/2023 13:54

Listen some people are dicks, and it's actually good that they reveal themselves early on because then you know that you don't have to bother being over friendly. Then there are some people that are sound but sometimes get caught off guard like I do have kids and sometimes I have asked women if they have kids just trying to make conversation but not realising that there might be issues behind it - genuine mistake. I no longer ask this.

I live in a city and love the anonymity of not everyone knowing all your business....I also have several facets to my life/relationship which are very unconventional but nobody really knows. 😁

KimberleyClark · 01/05/2023 14:03

People who don’t have a TV must get it too.

KimberleyClark · 01/05/2023 14:11

I do get why some people do not want to drive/find it difficult - I found it difficult myself, started lessons at 22, passed test 4 years later after four failures and four different instructors. But it does annoy me when some - by no means all - non drivers take advantage.

electricmoccasins · 01/05/2023 14:12

Didn’t start driving lessons until 21 as had to pay myself. Ex friend could not understand this as she learned at 17 and used to go on about how everyone should learn asap. I pointed out her parents paid. Mine couldn’t. She still didn’t get it.

I’m also teetotal. People think it’s a form of madness.

2bazookas · 01/05/2023 14:31

Just arm yourself with some chilly responses , ready to roll out.

" You're being impertinent."
" Are you socially maladjusted? "
"My private life is private, you should try it".

verabarbleen · 01/05/2023 19:00

I don't drive people judge me too and I never rely on lifts I'm always on the bus. But I'm one of those people that shouldn't be on the road! I know I'd be dangerous there's plenty that have passed that shouldn't be on the road. I'm doing the world a favour lol

YolayCaprese · 01/05/2023 19:07

I drive, I have kids, I live in a house etc. However, I am not married to my partner and I have learned the hard way just how deeply offended married people can get when you say "it's not for me". Anything that challenges other people life view, even when it doesn't affect them AT ALL is seen as an attack on them and their values so it's generally best to just do the old nod and smile.

Vitriolinsanity · 01/05/2023 19:12

People are funny aren't they? I don't ski. I don't like snow, speed or having to wear a helmet and sweaty layers to enjoy a holiday. I'm also comically uncoordinated.

It would blow your socks off how many people are flabbergasted by this. Of course I'd love it at Cold Resort, I'd love it if only Claude could teach me.

I wouldn't love it. I would absolutely wrap myself around a tree and need to be airlifted home.

Obviously this is in no way as breathtakingly bad mannered to expound on life choices such as OP's, and my sister's to not have children. Still there are people that do, and these people simply MUST be told to back the fuck off.

Invariably find they go off to seek sympathy that they've been made to feel very bad. Inevitably their prospective sympathy giver says "well you shouldn't have fucking asked".

WhatWouldHopperDo · 01/05/2023 19:14

My SIL is like this ALL THE TIME. I don’t tell her much about my life because she is incredulous that anyone would like/dislike anything she doesn’t like/likes . She has zero understanding that people live/parent/holiday/spend their time differently than she does.

She uses this really annoying high pitched surprised tone. ‘You don’t watch Strictly??!!!’ Like you have just told her you are a time traveller or something.

I have perfected smile and nod and changing the subject. She prefers to talk about herself anyway!!

warmmfeet · 01/05/2023 21:59

Yeah I think it's weird when people can't believe you would have a different opinion to them or make a different choice. Do they really think we are all exactly the same? Amazed that they also feed the need to say stuff like that out loud!

It probably will be a reoccurring thing so get some short witty responses planned to shut them down if it feels uncomfortable.

DaSilvaP · 02/05/2023 03:41

2bazookas · 01/05/2023 14:31

Just arm yourself with some chilly responses , ready to roll out.

" You're being impertinent."
" Are you socially maladjusted? "
"My private life is private, you should try it".

Or just keep staring at them in disbelief ... like THEY said the most stupid thing you ever heard.

MrsMikeDrop · 02/05/2023 03:46

I'll be honest. I learned to drive quite late in life (19) and my sister even older. I also have two cousins who learned late too. We now all drive, except for one, and I don't understand how she still doesn't have her licence (she also has a child now!). I understand it's scary, especially when you learn older, and we all failed many tests! But driving really is a life skill so that's probably why people find it odd. In saying that if you don't expect lifts and don't put anyone out, then that's fine too it probably also depends on where you live.

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 04:30

You were bullied plain and simple. Both times.

autienotnaughtym · 02/05/2023 06:15

If people ask about children. I would say no then if they pursue I would say sorry I don't discuss my private medical history with people I don't know and walk away. They won't ask again.

Looooop · 02/05/2023 07:52

Jesus Christ it's not a basic life skill. Just because it was easy for you doesn't mean it's the case for everyone.

OP posts:
Looooop · 02/05/2023 08:04

Saying 19 is late in life to learn is laughable. Not everyone's parents have a ton of cash to fund them at 17...

OP posts:
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