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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really rude and odd?

94 replies

lepricon · 30/04/2023 11:26

My daughter (10) is in a group of three friends, however, recently she has started to make other friends.

Anyway, a few days ago my daughter had asked if friend - let's call her Emma - could come for a sleepover on tonight. I said that was fine, text Emma's mum who said fine. Emma has stayed over before.

Yesterday I text Emma's mum asking if it was okay to collect her at 3 pm?

Emma's mum reply was this exactly - hi, Emma has been up sick during the night and isn't feeling well today.

I replied - oh no, that's a shame, I hope she is okay. If she feels better tomorrow she is still welcome to come.

I heard nothing back. Fair enough she's looking after her daughter.

10.30 am this morning I haven't heard anything so I decide to make other plans.

11 am Emma phones my daughter and says she's feeling better but isn't allowed to stay over. My daughter asks why and Emma asks her mum who replies, 'well is other friend (the third friend) going?' My daughter replied that third friend was never coming as she is at her dads this weekend, Emma's mum replies, 'just a play date then - no sleepover'

I then look at my phone and realise Emma's mum had text me also at 11 am before the girls were chatting - hi Emma is feeling better so will come for a play but doesn't want to stay if that's okay?

I have replied saying I have made other plans since I hadn't heard back from her. My daughter is very upset with me.

AIBU to find this all very odd? Number one - if I'd gotten a response yesterday to say that she would let me know how Emma was today then I'd of held off making plans, however she never responded.

Number 2 - what difference does having the other friend there make to a sleepover?

Number 3 - I just feel like it's all very strange, vibe is really off

Would you find it odd or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
lepricon · 30/04/2023 11:42

She just text back - aw no worries.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 11:47

Her daughter probably was worried she was going to be left out if the other two were having a sleepover. Given the vomiting and 48 hour rule, surely there was never a chance of a play date today anyway? But no, I think you are reading a lot more into this.

mainsfed · 30/04/2023 11:48

I can’t see how anyone has behaved badly, it’s just one of those things.

Maybe Emma prefers sleepovers with 2 friends, as it’s less pressure / more fun. I don’t think it’s a slight on your daughter.

Why is your daughter upset? Did you really make other plans or did you refuse the play date out of principle?

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/04/2023 11:52

The other parent told you last night Emma wasn’t feel well, you said that Emma was welcome to come over if she felt better. To me that’s fairly open ended and no response needed until closer to the time she was originally supposed to be coming over to advise of whether she felt better or not. I presume they were holding off on confirming either way until they were sure she was better. It’s just a mismatch of expectations and communication styles rather than rudeness.

On the third child being present or not I’d presume that’s some kind of dynamic going on between the children which the other parent wasn’t going to get into a discussion with you over except to say that Emma didn’t want to stay over. Children’s friendships change like the wind. Unless your DD has expressed being upset with the dynamic, let them sort it out between themselves.

SchoolTripDrama · 30/04/2023 11:52

Ignore the faux-confusion from the previous responses op 🙄

I agree that something odd is going on there but I guarantee it's about them not you. I'd also not be happy that the mum just lied to you, saying Emma no longer wants to come when you know that not to be the case.

Personally I'd not allow any further play dates or sleepovers with this particular child. Just step back from them, they're a bit weird!

Original poster
lepricon · 30/04/2023 11:53

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 11:47

Her daughter probably was worried she was going to be left out if the other two were having a sleepover. Given the vomiting and 48 hour rule, surely there was never a chance of a play date today anyway? But no, I think you are reading a lot more into this.

The other two weren't having a sleepover. The other friend was at her dads

OP posts:
Original poster
lepricon · 30/04/2023 11:53

mainsfed · 30/04/2023 11:48

I can’t see how anyone has behaved badly, it’s just one of those things.

Maybe Emma prefers sleepovers with 2 friends, as it’s less pressure / more fun. I don’t think it’s a slight on your daughter.

Why is your daughter upset? Did you really make other plans or did you refuse the play date out of principle?

I have made other plans, we are going clothes shopping then going to my friends so daughter can play with her kids. I think my daughter would just prefer to be with Emma and that's why she is upset.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 11:55

lepricon · 30/04/2023 11:53

The other two weren't having a sleepover. The other friend was at her dads

Show quote history

I know they weren’t having a sleepover. You put that in your OP. I was saying she probably asked to get the full picture in case she felt she was missing out (or wanted to avoid them).

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 11:56

SchoolTripDrama · 30/04/2023 11:52

Ignore the faux-confusion from the previous responses op 🙄

I agree that something odd is going on there but I guarantee it's about them not you. I'd also not be happy that the mum just lied to you, saying Emma no longer wants to come when you know that not to be the case.

Personally I'd not allow any further play dates or sleepovers with this particular child. Just step back from them, they're a bit weird!

Rubbish. No wonder people get their knickers in a twist about all sorts and end up misguidedly offended over nothing.

Mortimercat · 30/04/2023 11:57

I don’t know why she couldn’t sleepover unless the other friend was there but I think you were pretty rude to cancel the plans at the last minute. She was unwell yesterday so she obviously wasn’t going to know until today whether she would be well enough or not.

PuppyMonkey · 30/04/2023 11:59

Could you not have maybe sent a quick text asking for an update before going ahead and making your other plans?

Retrievemysanity · 30/04/2023 11:59

I don’t think she’s been rude. Your initial reply to her didn’t particularly require a response yesterday. She replied to you today saying her child would like to come and play which is what you said she could do if she felt better and you’ve said you’ve made other plans so I would think you were rude to be honest.

Plethoraofwoo · 30/04/2023 12:00

the mum just lied to you, saying Emma no longer wants to come when you know that not to be the case

Eh? Emma did want to come, but just for the day not a sleep over.

Hairday · 30/04/2023 12:03

Overthinking. It's your child's friendship, not yours. Let her manage it.

dinmin · 30/04/2023 12:04

I agree with PP that your message suggested that she could just let you know today. On the other kid, I wonder if she was going to maybe allow the sleepover if the other girl was coming and therefore Emma would be missing out, but given that she is unwell and the other girl wasn’t coming anyway, then it would have been better for her not to stay over?

Original poster
lepricon · 30/04/2023 12:05

Plethoraofwoo · 30/04/2023 12:00

the mum just lied to you, saying Emma no longer wants to come when you know that not to be the case

Eh? Emma did want to come, but just for the day not a sleep over.

The mum said Emma didn't want to go for a sleepover over text, but Emma said she did when on phone to my daughter and asked her mum why she couldn't go to the sleepover. Emma's mum responded, 'is other friend going?' Which was never original plan by the way. When my daughter confirmed that no other friend wasn't going, Emma's mum replied no just a play date then.

OP posts:
Original poster
lepricon · 30/04/2023 12:06

dinmin · 30/04/2023 12:04

I agree with PP that your message suggested that she could just let you know today. On the other kid, I wonder if she was going to maybe allow the sleepover if the other girl was coming and therefore Emma would be missing out, but given that she is unwell and the other girl wasn’t coming anyway, then it would have been better for her not to stay over?

Really? Not even a polite, 'thanks will let you know' or 'okay be in touch tomorrow'?

OP posts:
AllotmentTime · 30/04/2023 12:06

Suspect Emma and 3rd friend have fallen out or there has been some minor disagreement between her/your DD/3rd friend. Emma has hence been back and forth about whether she wants to come for a sleepover/what will happen if third friend is/isn't there.

All resulting in Emma & mum being so inconsistent about whether she can come or not.

Suggest a play date next time and they'll probably be back in an even keel soon, tiffs and fall outs are so common at this age.

In your place though I would've waited a bit longer before making other plans, you were perhaps a bit quick to abandon your original invitation.

Original poster
lepricon · 30/04/2023 12:07

I'm not saying she's wrong and I'm right. I just would have text back myself thanking the other parent but I understand not everyone is the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
lepricon · 30/04/2023 12:09

Maybe I was a bit early making new plans. I honestly just hate sitting about waiting though.

OP posts:
dinmin · 30/04/2023 12:10

lepricon · 30/04/2023 12:06

Really? Not even a polite, 'thanks will let you know' or 'okay be in touch tomorrow'?

Show quote history

That would have been ideal, yes, but as you said she was looking after a sick kid and life runs away with you sometimes. In her head the situation was clear, a response would’ve been nice / polite but doesn’t affect the situation as it’s not like she previously said “she’s ill so definitely won’t be coming”?

dinmin · 30/04/2023 12:10

And In a similar vein you could have messaged her to check for sure before you made other plans?

Original poster
lepricon · 30/04/2023 12:11

And I think if the sleepover was still going ahead I would have sucked it up as daughter was looking forward to it, but play date and all this carry on about other friend I'm like nah I'm sticking to new plans. Also daughter has other couple of friends from school over tomorrow to play so it's not as if she has no plans all weekend so don't feel as guilt.

OP posts:
DanceBeneathADiamondSky · 30/04/2023 12:11

It is a bit weird if I'm honest, but not necessarily rude. Something may be going on with Emma but it isn't really any of your business if it is. Or maybe it's something like her not wanting to ruin a big get together by cancelling but since it was just the two of them it doesn't seem like a big event so seems ok to cancel because of illness?

Steering clear of them from now on sounds absolutely bonkers. A complete overreaction. Don't do that 😂

DanceBeneathADiamondSky · 30/04/2023 12:12

I would stick to your new plans though. If she's sick I wouldn't want to host really. Won't be much fun if she vomits everywhere (for her, your DD or you)

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