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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really rude and odd?

94 replies

lepricon · 30/04/2023 11:26

My daughter (10) is in a group of three friends, however, recently she has started to make other friends.

Anyway, a few days ago my daughter had asked if friend - let's call her Emma - could come for a sleepover on tonight. I said that was fine, text Emma's mum who said fine. Emma has stayed over before.

Yesterday I text Emma's mum asking if it was okay to collect her at 3 pm?

Emma's mum reply was this exactly - hi, Emma has been up sick during the night and isn't feeling well today.

I replied - oh no, that's a shame, I hope she is okay. If she feels better tomorrow she is still welcome to come.

I heard nothing back. Fair enough she's looking after her daughter.

10.30 am this morning I haven't heard anything so I decide to make other plans.

11 am Emma phones my daughter and says she's feeling better but isn't allowed to stay over. My daughter asks why and Emma asks her mum who replies, 'well is other friend (the third friend) going?' My daughter replied that third friend was never coming as she is at her dads this weekend, Emma's mum replies, 'just a play date then - no sleepover'

I then look at my phone and realise Emma's mum had text me also at 11 am before the girls were chatting - hi Emma is feeling better so will come for a play but doesn't want to stay if that's okay?

I have replied saying I have made other plans since I hadn't heard back from her. My daughter is very upset with me.

AIBU to find this all very odd? Number one - if I'd gotten a response yesterday to say that she would let me know how Emma was today then I'd of held off making plans, however she never responded.

Number 2 - what difference does having the other friend there make to a sleepover?

Number 3 - I just feel like it's all very strange, vibe is really off

Would you find it odd or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Changingplace · 30/04/2023 12:13

You left it totally open ended, let me know if she’s feeling better, didn’t suggest you needed to know by a particular time, I don’t think anything is odd or rude I her reply.

I’d take her asking about the third friend as wondering whether your DD would be left with no friends playing/staying over if hers didn’t come.

If you’d decided yourself that if you hadn’t heard by X time you were making alternative plans you should’ve let the other mum know, she’s not a mind reader.

Original poster
lepricon · 30/04/2023 12:14

I probably should have mentioned there has been many weird instances with this mum. This isn't the first.

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 30/04/2023 12:15

YABU to let her come over and spread her sickness germs anyway.

Odd on all accounts.

Boobahs · 30/04/2023 12:15

If I were Emma's mom, I would have replied to say "yes, I'll let you know in the morning" or "I'll see how she is during the night", but if I were you, I wouldn't want a child who'd been vomiting within the past 48 hours coming round anyway.

YouCould · 30/04/2023 12:16

I don't see that the other mum behaved rudely or in an odd way. I think you were ok to make alternative plans but I'd have probably sent a message to let the other mum know.

It was an open plan.

I don't see any drama here at all

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 12:18

I replied - oh no, that's a shame, I hope she is okay. If she feels better tomorrow she is still welcome to come. I would have added let me know by 10am tomorrow or I'll make other plans.

YouCould · 30/04/2023 12:20

lepricon · 30/04/2023 12:14

I probably should have mentioned there has been many weird instances with this mum. This isn't the first.

So surely this would make you a little more cautious when you are making plans. You agreed to seeing how the daughter was feeling the next day. You could have followed it up or put a deadline time in.

YouCould · 30/04/2023 12:20

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 12:18

I replied - oh no, that's a shame, I hope she is okay. If she feels better tomorrow she is still welcome to come. I would have added let me know by 10am tomorrow or I'll make other plans.

Exactly this

Changingplace · 30/04/2023 12:21

lepricon · 30/04/2023 12:09

Maybe I was a bit early making new plans. I honestly just hate sitting about waiting though.

I don’t think you were too early making other plans, but the other mum didn’t know you’d come up with a deadline for a reply, another time just say ‘can you let me know either way by X pls’.

Changingplace · 30/04/2023 12:22

lepricon · 30/04/2023 12:14

I probably should have mentioned there has been many weird instances with this mum. This isn't the first.

Replies not going your way OP?

I don’t think the other mum has been weird here whatsoever.

Original poster
lepricon · 30/04/2023 12:28

@Changingplace errrm no Confused

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 30/04/2023 12:28

I think you were in the wrong. The last thing you said to friends mum was "Oh no, that's a shame, I hope she is okay. If she feels better tomorrow she is still welcome to come." There's nothing ambiguous about that. The implication is to let you know tomorrow. She let you know in the morning. She wouldn't know how she felt till tomorrow would she. Was there a 'cut off' ie let me know by 9am? 11am seems a perfectly reasonable time to confirm you're coming.
I think you're irritated that she's not staying over and you don't know why. Her mum wasn't that keen on her staying over. Who knows, maybe they were driving 3hrs down to grandma's on Sunday morning and she anticipated her daughter would be tired grumpy and rushed. Maybe she thoughtvit would be better if she got a good nights sleep as shed been unwell, however if other friends were going to be there she'd make an exception for something 'special' so her daughter didn't miss out. If I'd read your texts I'd think it's no big deal, nothing special, she can stay if she wants but not an issue either way, so an open invite.
Luckily the girls parents weren't relying on you. Why can't you change your arrangements back?

JudgeRudy · 30/04/2023 12:33

lepricon · 30/04/2023 11:53

I have made other plans, we are going clothes shopping then going to my friends so daughter can play with her kids. I think my daughter would just prefer to be with Emma and that's why she is upset.

Show quote history

Just curious, when did you make these plans? You'd told the other mum her daughter could come if she was well. She let you know in the morning that yes, she was well enough to come over. Personally I think you're unreasonable and rude.

Womencanlift · 30/04/2023 12:33

I think you were in the wrong too. She didn’t know the other girl was at her dads so wasn’t unreasonable to ask if she was there

And yesterday she may have been coming but in the mean time you have made other plans. That’s a bit quick and unreasonable

billy1966 · 30/04/2023 12:35

OP, I found in this situation that it can be best to take control of a vague situation with a text saying "absolutely no problem, if I don't hear back from you by X time, we will take it you can't make it."

I never liked waiting so always got in front of the situation by assuming a No in a situation like that, and moved on to making other plans.

It really stopped any feeling of annoyance that you were hanging around waiting for someone to get back to you.

Moveoverdarlin · 30/04/2023 12:40

I wouldn’t have made other plans until I had heard from Emma’s mother. If anyone is pissed off I would have thought Emma’s Mum would be. You asked her round, she said thanks lovely, then Emma was sick, so she was going to let you know how she feels, in the meantime you made other plans.

Asking about the third girl was because she didn’t want Emma missing out on a sleepover with a gang of them.

Moveoverdarlin · 30/04/2023 12:41

I can’t see anything rude or odd about any of it.

honeylulu · 30/04/2023 12:43

Not really the question you asked but if Emma was vomiting yesterday I think you are best off that she doesn't come to your house today. The timing of the mothers response is fine. She had no idea there was a deadline for you to make other plans. The responses themselves are slightly odd, there is clearly a reason for the mother allowing a play date but not a sleepover and she may be someone who isn't very articulate and able to present the response in a more acceptable way. My daughter's best friend is an only child and she/ the parents invite my daughter for sleepovers very regularly because she appreciates the company. (The friend comes to us for sleepovers too and I try and make it fair by alternating.) I do sometimes say no to or delay the next one as (a) my daughter is always tired and ratty after a sleepover so if we have something other than a chilled day planned I'd rather she wasn't! And (b) I don't really want to reciprocate a sleepover more than once every half-term so it's better to space them out. The other mum might feel similarly- going to play is fine but being tired and cross when they might have plans for bank holiday Monday isn't desirable. Re the third friend, if it's a three way sleepover then I'd be thinking OK cool that hopefully means the return sleepover means one at the third girls house before i have to host again (winner). Or as other posters have said if third girl was going to sleepover the mother would be willing to accept the tiredness as a trade for her daughter not being upset at being left out.
Yes Emma and your daughter may well still have wanted sleepover to go ahead but that's not always going to work best for the parents who make the final decision.

AliceOlive · 30/04/2023 12:49

I can potentially see a situation where I wanted my recently sick kiddo to just have a play date, but might be more inclined to let her go if it was a bigger event with more friends.

I also don’t think it’s weird or necessarily a lie to say “dd wants to be at home” at this age. Some kids hardly know what they want and certainly aren’t great at explaining to their friends.

You definitely didn’t do anything wrong here by making other plans and declining a playdate that was never offered. But I suspect the other mum has a reason not related to you for her decisions and just communicates differently.

MatildaTheCat · 30/04/2023 12:54

Some kids don’t enjoy sleepovers but feel a lot of pressure to accept invitations. My DS and I had a code if he ever called me to ask if he could stay over by one particular friend. If he signaled that no, he didn’t actually want to stay I’d say, sorry we have other plans.

Emma and her mum might be experiencing a similar situation and aren’t expressing it very well. Try actual conversations and simple plans to clarify what’s happening. And manage your DD’s expectations about these events.

AliceOlive · 30/04/2023 12:54

She could just be getting to the point with the least involved explanation.

“Annie says she wants to come over but I think she should rest after being sick. Also, she often has issues sleeping over at new houses and I’ve had to come pick her up in the night. So tonight probably isn’t a great idea. But if it’s a slumber party she deals a bit better, so if other girls are coming that might be okay.”

That turns into a much simpler: “a play date instead” and when questioned “is Lily coming?” And “Annie’s not up for it tonight.”

That’s why texting is not always great.

AliceOlive · 30/04/2023 12:55

Sorry, I made up my own names. 🤣

Spiderboy · 30/04/2023 12:56

I’d assume her mum doesn’t want her to sleep over as she has been unwell and likely still needs rest, but Emma was worried she was going to miss out if another friend may have been there who was still going to sleep over. As there is no other friend staying over Emma feels safe that she isn’t gonna by to be missing out so will be sleeping at home, as her mum prefers. I don’t think it’s unusual really

Icelolly44 · 30/04/2023 12:58

It could just be that she was being vague because she wasn’t sure if her daughter would be well enough to come for the play date or sleepover.

Or it could be that if the other child was doing the sleepover too she would have let her daughter come so that she didn’t miss out but because she wasn’t going she thought it was easier just to do a play date.

To be honest I hated sleepovers for my dc because it always wrecked the next day too. (Although I did let them do them) I would be more likely to let them if there was a group though so they didn’t miss out.

Spring2008 · 30/04/2023 13:05

I never understand why people (like Emma's mum) can't just be straight and upfront about things.
It would save so much hurt and confusion.