To think this is really rude and odd?

[lepricon]

My daughter (10) is in a group of three friends, however, recently she has started to make other friends.

Anyway, a few days ago my daughter had asked if friend - let's call her Emma - could come for a sleepover on tonight. I said that was fine, text Emma's mum who said fine. Emma has stayed over before.

Yesterday I text Emma's mum asking if it was okay to collect her at 3 pm?

Emma's mum reply was this exactly - hi, Emma has been up sick during the night and isn't feeling well today.

I replied - oh no, that's a shame, I hope she is okay. If she feels better tomorrow she is still welcome to come.

I heard nothing back. Fair enough she's looking after her daughter.

10.30 am this morning I haven't heard anything so I decide to make other plans.

11 am Emma phones my daughter and says she's feeling better but isn't allowed to stay over. My daughter asks why and Emma asks her mum who replies, 'well is other friend (the third friend) going?' My daughter replied that third friend was never coming as she is at her dads this weekend, Emma's mum replies, 'just a play date then - no sleepover'

I then look at my phone and realise Emma's mum had text me also at 11 am before the girls were chatting - hi Emma is feeling better so will come for a play but doesn't want to stay if that's okay?

I have replied saying I have made other plans since I hadn't heard back from her. My daughter is very upset with me.

AIBU to find this all very odd? Number one - if I'd gotten a response yesterday to say that she would let me know how Emma was today then I'd of held off making plans, however she never responded.

Number 2 - what difference does having the other friend there make to a sleepover?

Number 3 - I just feel like it's all very strange, vibe is really off

Would you find it odd or am I overreacting?

If anything I think you’ve been rude - you said she was still welcome to come if she feels better and she phones to say she feels better but you say you’ve made other plans? If she wasn’t due until 3pm I don’t think 11am is late to phone considering you knew she’d been ill the day before so could have been catching up on sleep.

She was - she messaged and said she was ill. OP is the one who said she was still welcome and when Emma has followed up, OP has actually made other plans

I think what has happened is Emma and daughter want a sleepover - Emma's mum isn't mad keen on sleepovers or a sleepover when her kid has been poorly, for whatever reason, which is her prerogative. She might have relented if Emma was going to be left out.

You were rude to make other plans when you'd left it open for Emma to come over if feeling better.

It's parents like Emmas mum that make everything so complicated. You were absolutely in the right to make other plans and I wouldn't waste energy on figuring out the sleep over thing. It'll be some bullshit reason that she's fretting over and trying to control.

Life is far too short for agonising about this sort of stuff. You're over-invested and over-thinking. Forget about it and get on with your day. I am not sure why you'd want a child there anyway who'd been vomiting.

replied - oh no, that's a shame, I hope she is okay. If she feels better tomorrow she is still welcome to come.

How exactly is it weird if the OP said that, then Emma's mum didn't respond until the next day at 11am, especially as the arrangement was for her to be picked up 4 hours later.?

As to the sleepover side, just stay and play for a few hours but come home for a good night's sleep is a lot easier to sell than come home for a good night's sleep when Jane is staying on for a sleepover.

I think you're the rude one here.

You told Emma's mum that Emma was still welcome if she was feeling better, then instead of checking with her, you unilaterally decided to cancel the sleepover and make other plans instead.

I think you were quite quick to make other plans. I’d have at least messaged to say I was going to commit to something else now before effectively cancelling the sleepover without letting her know.

re:the other mum, I think she didn’t want Emma to sleepover. Maybe because it’s a rare bank holiday and she wanted to hangout with Emma, or maybe Emma’s been tired or as she mentioned, under the weather. I imagine she asked if the 3rd fried was there as if she was, she probably would have relented and let Emma stay to avoid Emma getting FOMO.

A bizarre post.

I don't see the friend as being a problem.
You said that if she was better then she could still come, so Mum waited until today to say.
She was probably better enough for a playdate, but Mum thinks a sleepover (without much sleep) is a bad idea so says she can come to play but not to sleep. Which sounds a sensible compromise.

The asking if the other girl is coming is probably her dd has been saying "please can I stay X is staying too? I'm fine, honest!"
Mum can see that if the other girl is coming and sleeping over then she's going to be picking her dd up begging to stay on and in tears and thinks it'll be easier all round if that is the case for her dd to stay at home.

I think you’ve been very rude. You told the mother Emma was still welcome to come if she was feeling better, but by ten thirty am (more than four hours before the sleepover was due to start) you were telling the mother you had other plans when she went to let you know Emma was feeling better!

I’d be really annoyed as the other mum. I hate flakey people.

I wonder if perhaps the third girl’s Pete t would drop her home in the morning after the sleepover. Perhaps she has other kids and other plans. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps 🤷‍♀️
I think you were a bit rude offering the girl a play date, then not checking in and making other plans.

Parent not Pete although maybe they are called Pete.

What @IsItThough said. If my kid has been poorly I wouldn’t be keen on a sleepover but may say yes to a play date. However if I felt that she was going to be left out of the sleepover (if the other friend had been invited) I might have relented and let her go.

I would have assumed that maybe Emma didn’t really want to stay the night and she did tell her mum that. She was probably just going along with your daughter’s enthusiasm for a sleepover because she didn’t feel comfortable enough to say no.

Maybe Emma was worried about being sick in the night away from home in front of others

Up all night vomiting? Absolutely no chance she'd be coming round !

Hi, I have a 13 yo who is just rude. I can’t believe it but she seems to specialise in upsetting me. I’m very patient with her too a point but the whole family feels like they’re treading on eggshells. It’s horrendous. She keeps reducing me to tears. We have a busy life, got a lot on but always try to make time for her. How hard is this parenting when you just get treated like dirt!! I feel utterly drained with it all.

I agree that the mum saying yes to a play date but not a sleepover the way she did was a bit rude. I can see PP’s reasoning that the mum thought a sleepover was a bit much really given kid hadn’t been well but also didn’t want her to feel left out of it if third friend was coming too. I still think it’s a bit rude but get that lots of people wouldn’t.

The lying about the reasoning is a bit rude, but only, really because it made it sound like her DD isn’t as keen to spend time with your DD when really she is keen. So a knock on effect to how you and your DD perceive kid’s friendship. Generally not giving the true reason for turning down an invitation is because the real reason is either private or unnecessarily harsh (“I would come, by I don’t want to”). We need to let those sorts of lies slide most of the time because they aren’t really important, they’re just social lubricant.

But also agree with PP’s that your messages made it sound like the mum could tell you today if friend was well enough. If you don’t like waiting around to make plans don’t send open invitations that don’t give them a hard deadline. You could have just said, yesterday, “Okay. Let’s rearrange for a different time, then.”

Over all, I think your messaging makes you sound like you’re really easy going about things and the details don’t really bother you too much, you’ll just roll with it. Whereas your reaction to this situation indicates you really would prefer things to be more set and planned for, with clearer acknowledgements and more commitment and shared understanding. And other mum sounds like she might be a bit of a flies-by-the-seat of-her-pants, everything changing all the time and her constantly making excuses for it type of person. You probably need to change the way you’re communicating with her and lower your expectations a bit to get what you need out of her.

Seeing as she texted this back, I don't think it's weird - you never know the discussion they might have had at home where she wanted the daughter to only have a playdate in case she felt unwell, and then daughter said they other girl was going and she might feel left out if she wasn't there on the sleepover and then when she wasn't the mum said ok it can just be a playdate - or something! Who knows? I really wouldn't think much of it, just be clearer in future about when you need to know information by. And the other mum should have maybe let you know by a particular time too. I really wouldn't overthink it.

Imaginary post from Emma's Mum's point of view...

"Hi all,

Hope you can help me with this. My Daughter Emma is friends with 2 girls and was invited to a sleepover by one of them. Unfortunately Emma was sick the night before so I messaged her friend's Mum and said she wouldn't be able to make it.. Mum said not worry, they hoped Emma was feeling better soon and that she could still pop over to play during the day if she felt better.

Emma was desperate to go, and was worried she might get replaced by other girl. I'm sad she's poorly AND now worrying about whether their friendship would suffer. I've checked with the Mum, and other girl isn't going, so I've reassured my Daughter she's not missing out.

Over the day Emma perked up, she's not shown any signs since of being sick again (probably just get getting over excited and wolfing her tea down too quickly just night!). Anyway, I've just messaged The Mum to say I'll pop her over just for the rest of the day (as we discussed) and suddenly Mum has made other plans and my Daughter is uninvited. I don't understand what I've done wrong! She said it was ok and then without warning changed plans as the last minute. Poor Emma is missing out again due to what I can only assume is the Mum having issues with me. I'm just scratching my head why she would do this.

Any advice on how I should approach this next time I see other Mum at school gates? I'm upset I've somehow spoiled this friendship for my Daughter."

@SchoolTripDrama Maybe you could consider possibilities like the above before putting a block on all future playdates and deciding that the family are weird?

There are lots of weird mums out there, some get very over involved in their kids friendships and will try and manipulate friendship groups. My kids are a bit older now but I’ve seen a lot of mean mum behaviour over the years and nothing surprises me much anymore.

Sounds like she would have let her kid stay in the other girl was there, probably was worried her kid might be left out if she wasn’t there, but pretty mean to decide if her kid was allowed to stay based on the presence of a 3rd child. Just be aware of that mum and watch your back.

This is all a bit confusing. Are both friends called Emma.

Is there any reason Emma’s Mum wouldn’t want her to stay the night UNLESS a third child was also there? Has Emma stayed over for sleepovers before, with just your DC and Emma?

None of this seems weird or dramatic or rude to me.

Emma is poorly, a bit on and off as to whether she’ll sleep over or not, perhaps flaky.

You are a perhaps a bit quick on the draw with dropping the Emma plans and choosing something else.

Your daughter’s a bit miffed that her sleepover plans didn’t come off.

The response to all of this is “oh well, maybe next weekend” and on with life you go.