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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be treated like a free taxi service…

90 replies

Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 08:47

Sorry this is long for something relatively minor…

DD almost 18 and boyfriend were at a party last night, at her friends house. I dropped them off at 6.45pm and agreed to pick them up. To collect them, drop boyfriend and get us home takes about 40 mins in total. So I said I’d collect them at 11.30ish which would get me in bed just after midnight. I’m an early bed/riser so this is late for me.

When the time came she didn’t want me to go at half 11, she was texting that it was too early. I was knackered so gave an extra 20 mins and collected them at 11.50pm, dropped him and got home around 12.15am. I said it was 11.50 or nothing and they’d need to get a taxi to stay later.

DD was whinging when I picked her up saying she can’t afford taxis, she isn’t working at the moment as she’s in the middle of exams, so is a bit strapped for cash (but can find it for other stuff…). A taxi would have been about £22, to stop at ours then drop her boyfriend off. We allowed him to stay in our spare room at new year because taxis are extortionate but don’t really want to make a habit of this. I might even have ended up paying their taxi if they’d chosen that which is what I did at new year, because I was having a drink and couldn’t collect them. I had already given her some money for her friends birthday gift too and because she was being a bit cheeky I didn’t offer.

I should also add we have dropped and collected the 3 parties she’s been at since the new year one. I did one, then DH, then me again.

I’m interested to know how others manage these situations as it’s just going to continue. I was completely on my own when it came to this when I was young, I’d never have got picked up, but I know times have changed.

I am being unreasonable - I should have let them stay later and collected them or offered to pay their taxi.

I am not being unreasonable - they were lucky enough to get a lift at all and it’s up to them to pay their own taxi if my timings don’t suit.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 30/04/2023 08:52

Did you actively pick a place to live with a poor public transport system?

Parents who live rurally really need to accept being a taxi service if there are no other cost effective modes of transport in the place they decided to live.

AtChoService · 30/04/2023 08:53

Why cant they make their own way home Confused

Lookoutside · 30/04/2023 08:53

I mean I wouldn't do it every weekend but you're saying 4 parties since new year? I wouldn't mind staying up a bit later that infrequently. Saying that I would more likely just pay for a taxi, I'm rubbish at staying up late.

DucksNewburyport · 30/04/2023 08:55

Singleandproud · 30/04/2023 08:52

Did you actively pick a place to live with a poor public transport system?

Parents who live rurally really need to accept being a taxi service if there are no other cost effective modes of transport in the place they decided to live.

I do sort of agree with this. On the other hand I think midnight is a pretty reasonable compromise between your sleep and their partying. What time would she have liked to be picked up?

Devoutspoken · 30/04/2023 08:55

I'd pay for taxi

Paq · 30/04/2023 08:55

I would happily be a taxi in the circumstances you described, up to the point where there was whinging. I would expect a little bit of gratitude.

Barbarbarf · 30/04/2023 08:57

Where do you live that two 18 year olds can't make their own way home?

They need to get jobs to pay for taxis

JuneShitfield · 30/04/2023 08:58

You’re being too vague with the timings and letting her dictate the terms.

‘11.30 ish’ is open to interpretation — you need to be sorting something concrete like ‘11.30 sharp or I go home without you’ and then not negotiating close to the agreed time.

And the boyfriend can sort his own way home, surely.

Or you start (maybe partially) subsiding taxi fare and accept it as part of the deal of having a socially active teenager.

SeulementUneFois · 30/04/2023 08:59

I'm pretty sure that OP and her H had picked a place they could afford and go to work from, rather than actively pick it to make the 18 yo's life harder ..

She's being ungrateful OP. I would have a conversation with them and be clear that if they aren't grateful for this favor - no whining - they can fund their own way back.

7Worfs · 30/04/2023 08:59

I can understand making sure your 17yo DD is home safely, but ferrying her boyfriend too? Nah.
They share the cost of taxi, or alternate parents for pick-ups.

Knackeredandalsotired · 30/04/2023 08:59

I happily pick up teen DD from parties or pay for a taxi if I can’t but she is very grateful and does not expect it. If I can’t or don’t want to, she accepts this without complaint. If she wants extra time at a party, she makes it clear that it’s fine with her if I don’t allow it.

all this combines to make me much more inclined to be helpful, even though I too like an early night.

First hint of expectation or ingratitude and I’d be cutting back straight away…

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 30/04/2023 09:00

Can you take it in turns with your DD's BF's parents to do the lifts?

I.E. you take and then they drop your daughter home?

It doesn't seem fair that your taking AND bringing home AND getting grief for it.

Beautifulsunflowers · 30/04/2023 09:02

Do boyfriends parents ever offer to pick up?
I love my sleep but when ds was that age I always seemed to be the one picking up after a night out and his girlfriends parents always did the drop off! Ds would then ask if I’d drop off a mate en route etc, to be fair, from my point of view I got piece of mind knowing they were getting home safe and that ds felt he could ask.

If I were you I would offer to pay for one taxi back to yours then let the boyfriend stay over. Can his parents pick him up the next morning or can he get a bus/train/taxi?

Also speak with your dd and get her to quit the whinging. She’s 18 not 8!

EasterBreak · 30/04/2023 09:02

She's 18 not 8 Jesus christ

LizzieSiddal · 30/04/2023 09:04

I lived rurally with teenagers and was a taxi service for them, but I think that comes with living rurally. However by the time they were nearly 18 mine would have stayed the night, couldn’t DD have done that?

Stripycatz · 30/04/2023 09:04

I'm pretty rigid about what I will and won't provide lifts for. We have good public transport and I insist that the plan to get home is rock solid before they go out.
That said, I would never see them stuck. They know they can ring me for a lift if they really need to, but this very rarely happens.
In your case, I'd have stuck to the pre agreed time but I'd have had no problem with the boyf staying over.

WheelsUp · 30/04/2023 09:04

Your dd needs to be more grateful for lifts. Is her bf parents doing half of these lifts too?

PP makes a good point about home location. I live in the suburbs and people at ds school generally travel from a 5 mile radius so taxi is about £10 tops or they walk home or take a e-scooterwith another friend who lives nearby.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhnow · 30/04/2023 09:05

Well this is par for the course with teenagers isn't it? I would always go and collect my 17 year old but if I didn't fancy it, I'd ensure a taxi was paid for

This would be a different matter if it was every single week but you say it isn't, it's practically once a month so yeah - as a parent of teens myself, I'd just chalk it up to one of my parenting duties tbh

Shhhhhhhhhhhhnow · 30/04/2023 09:06

And yes on a re read - it's actually been 3 times and it's now almost May.

YABU

Ragwort · 30/04/2023 09:07

Barbar lots of places just don't have late night public transport ... or any public transport for that matter. Not everyone on Mumsnet lives in a thriving city. Hmm. No Uber where we are.

Where we live public transport is very limited, taxis have to be booked in advance and my very sensible, middle aged friend couldn't even book a taxi in advance for an 11pm trip home after a formal evening out as it was 'too late' Grin.

We just accepted that providing lifts home was part of the deal when our DS was a teenager... 'gatherings' (not allowed to call them parties) were always in some obscure location down a farm track or similar. It was a slight pain at the time, but we set the time that we would collect and tried to share with other parents. Thankfully, like the toddler years, it doesn't last long (unless you have a large family). But we would except our DS to be grateful and appreciative.

Original poster
Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 09:07

Singleandproud · 30/04/2023 08:52

Did you actively pick a place to live with a poor public transport system?

Parents who live rurally really need to accept being a taxi service if there are no other cost effective modes of transport in the place they decided to live.

No, we just live in the area we grew up in, close to family who helped with childcare (thankfully) when they were smaller so that was a pull to stay… public transport isn’t great but we both drive so it’s only now becoming an issue now. Maybe I should have offered to pay the taxi then. I was definitely too tired to wait any longer to pick them up.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 30/04/2023 09:07

Singleandproud · 30/04/2023 08:52

Did you actively pick a place to live with a poor public transport system?

Parents who live rurally really need to accept being a taxi service if there are no other cost effective modes of transport in the place they decided to live.

I would agree if this was a 13 year old but 18?

produ · 30/04/2023 09:10

She's 18 not 8 Jesus christ

I don't understand this point, some areas have no footpaths &/or little public transport.

Dotcheck · 30/04/2023 09:10

EasterBreak · 30/04/2023 09:02

She's 18 not 8 Jesus christ

What on earth does that have to do with anything?

OP, your daughter goes to one party a month. This is a rough stage for ferrying around but doesn’t last long.

DoggosAloud · 30/04/2023 09:10

At that age, if my kids (and friends) wanted picking up, one of us would do it, often 1am/2am. Other parents did it too so it wasn’t every week. They sometimes made their way home themselves. We preferred to know they were safe.