To not want to be treated like a free taxi service…

[Clarabell77]

Sorry this is long for something relatively minor…

DD almost 18 and boyfriend were at a party last night, at her friends house. I dropped them off at 6.45pm and agreed to pick them up. To collect them, drop boyfriend and get us home takes about 40 mins in total. So I said I’d collect them at 11.30ish which would get me in bed just after midnight. I’m an early bed/riser so this is late for me.

When the time came she didn’t want me to go at half 11, she was texting that it was too early. I was knackered so gave an extra 20 mins and collected them at 11.50pm, dropped him and got home around 12.15am. I said it was 11.50 or nothing and they’d need to get a taxi to stay later.

DD was whinging when I picked her up saying she can’t afford taxis, she isn’t working at the moment as she’s in the middle of exams, so is a bit strapped for cash (but can find it for other stuff…). A taxi would have been about £22, to stop at ours then drop her boyfriend off. We allowed him to stay in our spare room at new year because taxis are extortionate but don’t really want to make a habit of this. I might even have ended up paying their taxi if they’d chosen that which is what I did at new year, because I was having a drink and couldn’t collect them. I had already given her some money for her friends birthday gift too and because she was being a bit cheeky I didn’t offer.

I should also add we have dropped and collected the 3 parties she’s been at since the new year one. I did one, then DH, then me again.

I’m interested to know how others manage these situations as it’s just going to continue. I was completely on my own when it came to this when I was young, I’d never have got picked up, but I know times have changed.

I am being unreasonable - I should have let them stay later and collected them or offered to pay their taxi.

I am not being unreasonable - they were lucky enough to get a lift at all and it’s up to them to pay their own taxi if my timings don’t suit.

Well is it not up to you to put the foot down then? Either budget to include a taxi for outings or stay home? If she's 18 and can't figure that one out then I dread to think how she would cope living alone like many other people have to. There is not a chance on this earth my parents would have mollycoddled me offering me lifts home from parties at that age. Nor would I have expected them to.

Hopefully the lift-giving stage is fairly short for you. I'm now benefiting from a DC who can drive and is giving me all the lifts!

I was that rural teenager....

11.30pm is too early. Three parties since new year isn't many. I don't see why your daughter's boyfriend couldn't stay over (sleeping bag and a sofa). Or his parents could assist. Or you pick up your daughter and they pick up your son.

I generally just stayed out and got picked up in the morning 😁

Would your daughter have been able to afford the taxi if the boyfriend paid his share of it? Or he could have paid all of it. Why should you have to pay the whole cost of the taxi, if his parents wouldn’t?

There's not many places outside of London that have any sort of reliable transport beyond a certain time, especially towards midnight. Even if you live in a town and not rural so the argument of sucking it up because you chose to live there is odd.

Op I would just pay for a taxi and get your sleep!

In my opinion, you are being unreasonable. Yeah I KNOW it's a bit of a ball-ache sometimes. BUT they are school kids, (you said they're still doing exams. So they'll still be at school.) When you've got kids/teenagers still living at home, and especially still being at school and especially if you live rurally, you have to accept you are going to be their taxi service.

Even if you're in an area where there is public transport, do you really want your 18 year old daughter who is basically still a child (yes she really is!), getting a bus or a train home at 11 or 12:00 o'clock at night?! I know I couldn't live with myself if I'd forced my teenage daughter to get public transport after dark. But that's just me.

It's part of being a parent, although I would like to ask why her dad doesn't give them lifts sometimes as well. Is there anybody else that could share the lifts? But yeah, on the face of it, you are being unreasonable. Your teenage daughter is growing up. She wants to go to parties. But she is still very young. It's just part and parcel of being a parent. You are their taxi service!!! It will soon pass.

She will probably leave in the next few years, and you won't be doing it. To say (as one poster said,) 'get a job so you can pay for your own taxis' to a school kid who is doing A levels is a terrible thing to say. Poor form and bad parenting IMO,

As for 'his dad doesn't drive...' and 'his mum works shifts' so THEY can't do it. How terribly convenient. You're being mugged off by HIS parents. Even so, this happened to me and DH... We always seemed to be the taxi service, as DD's friends parents couldn't be fucked to come and pick up their own CHILD, and would happily have let them walk home half an hour in the dark, or get a bus at 10 or 11 at night, even as young as 7 or 8.

So we used to drive DD about, AND her friends, AND we took her friends home. I don't even care what anyone thinks of me saying this... we were better parents to half a dozen or so of DD's friends that their OWN parents were.

I think yes times have defo changed! As a teen I rarely had a lift.However we have been driving DD around, and I think here and there to expect 11.30 to be a bit on the early side TBH. Can you and hubby take it in turns? Also the BF parents should be taking their turn .I would also consider a Taxi sometimes as well

This.... We live in Surrey, close to large towns, but in-between. Fast trains to London, but nothing in-,between. Most people live in the outskirts, or in the villages in-between. There is no public transport, especially if you are trying to go village to village. A 5 min taxi from town to home costs £20! Honestly people haven't got a clue.

I’d sit her down and chat with her.

Tell her you are happy to do it but only before X time, if it’s after that then she’ll have to get a taxi.

Also have a limit on how many days you will pick her up eg 2 late nights a month and any more she’ll have to pay for her own taxi or get the boyfriend’s parents to do it.

But tell her that if it’s an emergency or she doesn’t feel safe to always ring you and you will find a way to get her.

Yeah you're being a mug here OP.

When I was 18 (not that long ago) there's no way on earth any of the parents in our friend groups did drop off or pick ups unless the middle of the day and they were going that way.

She needs to get a job to pay her expenses, club in with others for a taxi or find another way to go or stay near to where she's going out

So you are way overprotective and pushed this on other people's adult children too? Your child will be most at risk when they move out due to your mollycoddling. God knows why you think you are a really good parent.
I had a 23yr old pgce with a mum like you. She was messed up and it massively affected her ability to adult and teach.

If someone is going out of their way for you, they call the shots!

She has a simple choice. Free lift at 11.30 or whenever or pay for a taxi.

Or whinge and don't go at all!

Although I suppose it's better than hosting the party...

I completely agree @Boomboom22 - parents have a responsibility to teach their kids independence & resilience.

Same here but I do think times are different, more of us have cars and means to help with taxis etc.

I wouldn’t want my DD doing some of the stuff I did…

same as stripycatz - I am now reaping the benefits of doing the teenage lifts as now he returns the favour when DS is back from uni.

Where are the boyfriend’s parents in all of this? Can’t they do the ferrying occasionally?

This needs a discussion before next time, including how often. Personally if I am providing transport, then I set the time. If they wanted to stay later and the taxi was about £22 (need to check if more after midnight?), then I would agree to pay half.

I rarely had lifts anywhere, either as a child or a teenager. But I don't want this thread to turn into a four Yorkshire men thing where we had to walk 10 miles in the snow just to fetch a dozen eggs for our mother. And walk 15 miles to school. (In 3 foot deep floods.) And it were all fields....... 🙄

Yes, I did not get lifts anywhere, BUT In the 1970s/1980s in my childhood/teens my life was literally like Coronation Street ...Everything was within 20 minutes walk, or a short 5 to 10 minute bike ride.. There were 2 factories where many people worked, about 30 shops, including a butchers and bakers and paper shop. Hairdressers. Dentist. doctors. Opticians. Flower shop. 3 or 4 banks. Chiropodist. Supermarket Haberdashey shop. Fishing tackle shop. Pharmacies..... And loads more. Everything was within a 20 minute walk, as were my entire extended family. (About 20 people at the time.) And all my friends.

My dad was a 10 minute bike ride away from his work. My mom didn't work. There were 20 pubs within half an hour walk, (probably 15 within 10 minutes walk.) And my high school was a 15 to 20 minute walk away. The primary school was a 5 minute walk away. My workplace - The first one - was actually a 15 minute walk away. I didn't even need to learn to drive until my mid 20s. I moved to a couple of big cities in my early 20s and didn't need a car there either.

Unfortunately life not like that anymore. People live in sprawling suburbs where it's a 10 minute walk to the bus stop and only probably one bus an hour to the main town centre - where you have to get bus to the area of the town you work. And public transport is now SHIT! Exorbitant prices, and unreliable service. Many villages and semi rural areas have had the bus service removed!

Even with those who do have a bus service still (who live in suburbs/towns..) I know a few people who have to leave the house an hour and a half before work starts when it would only be a 10 or 15 minute drive. And a lot of bus services stop at about half eight or 9 at night. They ran til 11.30pm when I was a teen in the 1980s.. Things are definitely not like they used to be, and teenagers and children and young people unfortunately do need lifts now. And as a previous poster said, taxi rates are absolutely extortionate and unless three or four of them are sharing it's just too much.

It used to take my daughter an hour and a half to get to college on the bus. It was only 6 miles away. It took me between 7 and 10 minutes to drive it. It was an no-brainer. Of course I was gonna bloody drive her. I was not having her wasting three hours of her day on the frigging bus. Just get into bloody college.

Some parents who couldn't be arsed to take their kids - even though they didn't work AND they had a car, said 'it gives them independence, and it gives them a chance to their homework on the bus.' Fuck off, they never had 3 hours a day homework at college. They just couldn't be fucked to do it. Also, if you missed the bus at 4.15 pm, the next one wasn't for an hour, so many kids didn't get home til nearly 7 at night! My DD had been in for 3 hours at that point.

AND they have their whole life to get 'independence.' As I said, some people are just shit parents. Sad thing is, they really cannot see it.

For the record, my DD (now late 20,) went to uni at 18, she moved in with her her boyfriend at 22, and they travelled for a couple of years to a dozen or so countries, then bought a house and got married in summer 2022. They are both on £55-65K. She is 100% independent. The very idea that children/teens will be more independent if you can't be fucked to be a good parent to them when they need you is farcical, and yet also depressing and worrying.

I wouldn’t want my DD doing some of the stuff I did…

I agree.

I would walk home or get a lift from some random person, usually a man driving round looking for drunk women or someone who had been drinking themselves.
I do not want my DD to do either.

You can have boundaries and rules so she doesn’t take the piss but I would pay the price of having a few nights of broken sleep a month to make sure she’s home safe rather than by putting her into dangerous situations just so I could prove a point.

The very idea that children/teens will be more independent if you can't be fucked to be a good parent to them when they need you is farcical, and yet also depressing and worrying.

Absolutely this!!

We share the lifts between families. So there have been about 5 parties since new year (all stopped due to A Levels now) and I’ve done one pick up/ drop off and one pick up. Other families do the other runs and we drop the kids off at their homes. I think the boyfriend’s family should be doing some.

Not everywhere has taxis- the wait time on a Friday night is about 90 minutes from our nearest town. No buses or trains.

You wouldn't need to 'actively pick a place....with poor transport'. The majority of towns do not have public transport running passed 11pm.
I grew up in a medium sized town. Most of the parties/nights out were in my home town. I'd either get a taxi, but most likely walk (about 3 miles). If I went out of town I'd be responsible for my own arrangements, especially at nearly 18.

I think you’re perfectly reasonable to give a cut off time for a lift.

I don’t understand the living in the sticks comment, we don’t live in the sticks and are actually quite close to a biggish town popular with stag do’s etc. and our public transport finishes at midnight. Surely it’s only bigger cities that don’t have the problem of no public transport?!

If a taxi was £22 then surely they would split it. If I was feeling generous then I would have maybe given her a tenner towards her half but if they have money to order desserts deliveries etc. then they need to learn to save some of that for an emergency taxi.

growing up my dad would say if it’s before 12 I’ll pick you up and sometimes I would ring him (at 1 minute to 12) for a lift and other times I would want to stay out so would get a cab. I certainly wouldn’t complain about the cut off time though, he might not offer again!

Only on MN do I see 17/18 yr olds unable to work due to exams, every teen I know has a part time job and is fairly independent, my DD would never want picked up from a gaff at 11.30 and certainly not by me!

A party is optional, it is not something required say as part of a job. Your DD should (begrudgingly) accept your timings.

Stand your ground in future. Taxis are not always available at the time you want them in any case.