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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be treated like a free taxi service…

90 replies

Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 08:47

Sorry this is long for something relatively minor…

DD almost 18 and boyfriend were at a party last night, at her friends house. I dropped them off at 6.45pm and agreed to pick them up. To collect them, drop boyfriend and get us home takes about 40 mins in total. So I said I’d collect them at 11.30ish which would get me in bed just after midnight. I’m an early bed/riser so this is late for me.

When the time came she didn’t want me to go at half 11, she was texting that it was too early. I was knackered so gave an extra 20 mins and collected them at 11.50pm, dropped him and got home around 12.15am. I said it was 11.50 or nothing and they’d need to get a taxi to stay later.

DD was whinging when I picked her up saying she can’t afford taxis, she isn’t working at the moment as she’s in the middle of exams, so is a bit strapped for cash (but can find it for other stuff…). A taxi would have been about £22, to stop at ours then drop her boyfriend off. We allowed him to stay in our spare room at new year because taxis are extortionate but don’t really want to make a habit of this. I might even have ended up paying their taxi if they’d chosen that which is what I did at new year, because I was having a drink and couldn’t collect them. I had already given her some money for her friends birthday gift too and because she was being a bit cheeky I didn’t offer.

I should also add we have dropped and collected the 3 parties she’s been at since the new year one. I did one, then DH, then me again.

I’m interested to know how others manage these situations as it’s just going to continue. I was completely on my own when it came to this when I was young, I’d never have got picked up, but I know times have changed.

I am being unreasonable - I should have let them stay later and collected them or offered to pay their taxi.

I am not being unreasonable - they were lucky enough to get a lift at all and it’s up to them to pay their own taxi if my timings don’t suit.

OP posts:
Crabacus · 30/04/2023 09:10

We live rurally with no public transport and I accept that part of this package is being a taxi service to teenagers. Buses are non-existant and taxis are hard to come by, especially at popular times, and the nearest place with e-scooters is an hours drive away.
At the same time, the teenagers also have to accept that lifts can't always happen at the times they want.
I think you're being perfectly fair with compromising and letting them have a bit longer, almost midnight is a reasonable time.
it does seem unfair that you/DH are taking the responsibility for the boyfriend as well - where do his parents come in to it?

TheApplianceofScience · 30/04/2023 09:11

It used to give me the pip, but TBH now he is driving that is a bigger worry than picking him up, but I do get your irritation.

Paq · 30/04/2023 09:13

The kid is actually 17, in the middle of exams so understandably not working. I wish people would read the OP.

Public transport is patchy and also not always safe.

2chocolateoranges · 30/04/2023 09:15

Can his parents not take a turn?

id happily pick my own children up and drop others locally but to drive to drop boyfriend off each time is taking the piss.

Original poster
Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 09:16

produ · 30/04/2023 09:10

She's 18 not 8 Jesus christ

I don't understand this point, some areas have no footpaths &/or little public transport.

Sometimes I do wonder if we’re mollycoddling but there’s no public transport and she definitely couldn’t walk it safely, as she’s still in full time education and living with us I do feel some responsibility for her getting home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 09:18

AtChoService · 30/04/2023 08:53

Why cant they make their own way home Confused

The only way home due to the locations would be to drive/taxi and what she’s saying is she can’t afford a taxi.

OP posts:
TweedPillow · 30/04/2023 09:19

I never minded picking up from parties, it was and is a midnight cut off. DS is an adult now and still lives at home. He recently picked up DH at midnight form a works do and it was a 50 mile round trip.

CantFindTheBeat · 30/04/2023 09:21

As a parent, I think it's an important thing to do for your daughter, OP.

I agree that it's a pain - I don't like to go to bed late either - but looking after you daughter and having her know she can depend on you is worth so much.

My parents never collected me or took me anywhere and it's something I always said I'd do for my kids.

DoggosAloud · 30/04/2023 09:21

Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 09:16

Sometimes I do wonder if we’re mollycoddling but there’s no public transport and she definitely couldn’t walk it safely, as she’s still in full time education and living with us I do feel some responsibility for her getting home.

Show quote history

I do think it’s just part of parenting for a while til they are earning a full time wage. My kids were always appreciative of us doing it.

Original poster
Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 09:21

Crabacus · 30/04/2023 09:10

We live rurally with no public transport and I accept that part of this package is being a taxi service to teenagers. Buses are non-existant and taxis are hard to come by, especially at popular times, and the nearest place with e-scooters is an hours drive away.
At the same time, the teenagers also have to accept that lifts can't always happen at the times they want.
I think you're being perfectly fair with compromising and letting them have a bit longer, almost midnight is a reasonable time.
it does seem unfair that you/DH are taking the responsibility for the boyfriend as well - where do his parents come in to it?

His dad doesn’t drive, mum works shifts but she does ferry him and his brother about when she can. These last 3 parties have been friends of my daughters so I’ve sort of felt obligated to sort the transport.

OP posts:
Chchchchchangesss · 30/04/2023 09:21

When i was 17/18 if i wanted to go to a party i got myself there and back 😕she's nearly 18. If she's not grateful for you putting yourself out for her then time to cut the apron strings.

LizzieSiddal · 30/04/2023 09:22

I was definitely too tired to wait any longer to pick them up.

To be honest my teenagers with never have complained to me about the time being too early. Your DD was being ungrateful and rude and i’d have a word with her about that today. She needs to understand you’d rather have been doing something else but because you care about her you picked her up. If she wants to be later she can get a taxi next time.

Awrite · 30/04/2023 09:24

I have a DD the same age. Yes, we do pick her up from parties. Takes about 50 mins generally. DH does the bulk of it though.

However, she doesn't go out during exams so we are getting a little break.

She'll be off to uni soon and then we'll miss the late night pickups.

Awrite · 30/04/2023 09:25

Oh aye - no moaning about the time of pickup is essential. Gratitude only.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 30/04/2023 09:25

Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 09:18

The only way home due to the locations would be to drive/taxi and what she’s saying is she can’t afford a taxi.

Show quote history

If she's not working because she's doing exams and there are no alternatives to a taxi or a lift I do think you have to suck it up for a bit

I grew up rurally and I understand the issues. Although I used to stay over at friends a lot to try to cut down on the number of lifts I needed but that's because my mother was ill at the time.

That said 11:30 seems like a reasonable compromise it's not like you weren't offering her a lift at all.

MagpiePi · 30/04/2023 09:26

You daughter has cash for other things, apparently, so why can’t her and the boyfriend budget for a taxi if they want to go partying?

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 09:33

Next time, tell her what time you're picking her up and tell her that's final. If she chooses to stay late, that's her problem.

Next time, tell her to crash on her friends floor if she's going to be ungrateful for the lift.

Original poster
Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 09:34

Thanks everyone.

I agree with pretty much all of your points and I think while she’s in full-time education and not earning the upfront arrangement will be that we will collect her or we will pay the taxi if it’s too late.

We do pick her off/drop her off a lot, it’s only the late night thing that’s been an issue.

Public transport isn’t an option and neither is walking.

I will definitely be having a word with her about her attitude though.

And my bad, I called it a party but they call it a “gaff”. 😁

OP posts:
TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 30/04/2023 09:34

Your DD needs to realise that if she's getting a free lift, it's rude to argue the terms.

My Mum always said to me she would happily come and pick me up but we had to mutually agree a pick-up time which worked for both of us. The only exception is if I'd planned to stay over with a friend and it was an emergency. In which case she said whatever time it was I should ring and she would come, no questions asked.

Her general rule was no pick-up later than midnight, because she was tired. As a clubbing-mad teenager I would have preferred 2-3am, but I knew that my alternative was to spend £££ on a taxi home - which I couldn't afford. So midnight it was, and I was happy for the lift.

Norriscolesbag · 30/04/2023 09:36

I’d give her the taxi fare for the moment whilst she’s doing her exams. End of problem.

Original poster
Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 09:36

MagpiePi · 30/04/2023 09:26

You daughter has cash for other things, apparently, so why can’t her and the boyfriend budget for a taxi if they want to go partying?

That was my point last night - eg they order desserts to be delivered quite frequently- I told them if they didn’t do that they could afford a taxi and stay as late as they liked!

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 30/04/2023 09:37

I always collected my daughter at that age if she needed it, and dropped friends or boyfriends off. Unless it was something particularly special, The latest I would pick her up was 1 am. I much preferred that than having to get up in the middle of the night if she was stranded or her waking me up when she got back. I could never sleep until she was home safely anyway, unless she was staying overnight.

kethuphouse · 30/04/2023 09:38

Singleandproud · 30/04/2023 08:52

Did you actively pick a place to live with a poor public transport system?

Parents who live rurally really need to accept being a taxi service if there are no other cost effective modes of transport in the place they decided to live.

We live in a large city in the South East and the public transport is very poor. It's not just rural areas that suffer from poor public transport now.

Original poster
Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 09:38

DucksNewburyport · 30/04/2023 08:55

I do sort of agree with this. On the other hand I think midnight is a pretty reasonable compromise between your sleep and their partying. What time would she have liked to be picked up?

Show quote history

The thing was I felt she was just going to keep saying later, later, later, she didn’t say a time and I was so tired. I probably would have offered to pay the taxi last night but she was a bit cheeky so I was too annoyed to offer.

OP posts:
kethuphouse · 30/04/2023 09:39

small city , not large!