Micro-managing In-Laws

[RLmadmum]

Hi all

Unsure if it's just because I'm overly emotional and being a first time mum, I'm still not completely sure how to navigate things but here we go:

I have a 3m old. My partner works nights and sleeps in the day so essentially I feel like I'm doing the bulk of parenting on my own. I'm currently breastfeeding and whilst at first my in-laws were supportive of this; I feel like now they are putting pressure on for me to turn to formula so they can take her off my hands so I can catch up on sleep/housework ETC. I express milk also so there is always a supply for them to take but we were bought a prep machine by a relative and I think they're upset that it isn't getting used (they were thanked for the last generous gift but told not to buy one whilst I was pregnant due to me wanting to BF before they bought it but bought it anyways) so I think this is where the pressure is coming from.

We've also hit the stage where we're having a really hard time with baby's sleeping and I'm constantly exhausted and the in-laws are putting this down to breastfeeding and claiming that by switching to formula this will solve the problem. Daytime naps have turned into a battle and baby will only sleep in my atms during the day. With my partner beimg in bed, I need to keep baby quiet so he isn't disturbed and I'm struggling to take baby out in the pram/car as I'm getting too fatigued. It doesn't help with partner working nights as I don't have anyone to really share the load with me and I'm getting to breaking point. I could take baby to their in-laws in the day, but I'm constantly being parented on my parenting and what was a good relationship before has really started to sour and I'm beginning to dread seeing them. They also have an issue with baby being dressed in babygro's and not "proper clothes" because they think babygros are for sleeping only. With the weather only just starting to turn warm, I've kept baby in the babygros for comfort and warmth and they are changed regularly and baby is always clean so I'm really not sure what their issue is here but I could be doing this wrong?

I think the crux of it is, they're lovely people who like to be very hands on and take control of things. However, I'm quite a strong individual myself and though we previously got on really well, the fact I'm not conforming to how they believe their grandchild should be brought up isn't sitting well with them. They're not actually saying these comments to me though, they're telling my partner who is then telling me. He's not impressed and has defended our parenting choices. He's also let his parents know that I'm struggling but they just go straight to "well we would take baby but they're not on formula, it would be easier if they were on formula" and back to applying pressure onto him to get me to switch to formula. I think it's starting to wear him down now too as he's started making comments about switching. They've also been making comments about putting baby rice and rusk in the milk and to begin weaning but I don't feel baby is developmentally ready for that yet and want to wait until a bit older. With the amount of times they're bringing this up, I'm feeling like I can't trust them not to do this and try to not tell me. Even though I would know straight away with baby's poo 🙈 Baby also won't take a dummy and trying to give one causes even more distress but they're adamant we keep trying to give baby one for soothing.

Baby is fine and developing absolutely perfectly breastfeeding and I love it too
Partner doesn't feel excluded as he gives her bottles of expressed milk.

A weakness of mine is that I struggle to ask for help and only do so when I'm at breaking point which is fast approaching. I've finally confided in my mum this week and she's offered so much more support and also a telling off for not coming to her sooner and struggling. I feel like at the minute; I'm prioritising everyone above myself and nobody is taking the time to check in on me when they can quite clearly see that I'm starting to crack. Like I said, partner works nights and sleeps in the day, he does support me but is also very tired (work-related) lately and the level of support I'm getting from him is diminishing. I feel like I can't ask him for help because it just turns into an argument but I just wish he would step up a bit more. At the minute the only break I'm getting is time for a bath and even then it's interrupted by him coming in with the baby because they've started crying downstairs.

Thanks for letting me vent and sorry it's so rambly, I'm absolutely exhausted and just typed away without proof-reading. If you think I'm being unreasonable then please let me know or if you have any tips to resolve this, I would be eternally grateful. Some sleeping tips wouldn't go amiss either! Thank you.

What time does your dh get up in the afternoon? There will be a gap between getting up and going to work so he needs to pull his weight then. He needs ear plugs as you can’t silence a baby during the day. You need to get out. Why not try a formula feed before bed? No one else needs to know and baby may sleep better

I would take all the support your mum can give and find a good moment to raise your problems with DP.

Perhaps you could try to think of some ways that you would like him to support you? He could take baby out for a walk while you have your bath for instance. It sucks he doesn't do it intuitively but generally asking for more help probably isn't going to cut it.

In terms of the in laws, I would tell DP to stop passing on their feedback. Stand your ground with breastfeeding and reduce visits if they make you feel uncomfortable or put pressure on directly. Spending time with the baby at this stage is entirely for their benefit. If they can't keep their noses out then it's really the only option. Being a mother to a newborn is tough enough without unsupportive people hanging around like a bad smell.

Formula will not help your baby sleep better at night OP, that's tosh.

OP you sound knackered and stressed and that’s really hard. If you want to breastfeed, do it. Don’t be pressured into weaning until you the right age and what your child wears is up to you. You and DH are the parents so you make the decision.

However, I will say that you’re lucky you have people around you who want to help. While you may not be ready for this help yet, you will be at some point so please don’t let this sour your relationship. In seven years, no member of either of our families has ever looked after our child. Not once… I look at friends who have family support and it makes life so much easier for them, and it’s wonderful that they’re close to their grandchildren. It sounds like you do need some help so why not m find ways they can help rather than rejecting it all?

You're doing everything fine.well done on the breastfeeding, and you're absolutely right about the babygros - they're the most comfortable thing for a small baby to wear.

It sounds like you need some down time but help from your inlaws comes with strings attached, and your husband is not willing to step up. I mean he definitely should do more but whether that means you can persuade him is another matter. It sounds like your mum is happy to help though, could that be the answer? And put the inlaws on an information diet. Don't tell them you're tired if they are only going to respond with undermining comments about bottle feeding.

Regarding the sleep, you are coming up to the stage where they stop being able to just fall asleep anywhere. One of my kids struggled with naps from about this age and what worked for her was white noise and a completely darkened room - easyblinds.co.uk do this velcro blackout material that is temporary and not too expensive. We had a grobag blackout blind but it was useless, the light gets in round the sides. There's also a book called Teach Your Child to Sleep by the Millpond clinic that I would recommend - it's written by UK health visitors too so it should fit with the advice you are given by them. There are some very gentle ways in there to help the baby to gradually get more able to fell asleep alone. It's a totally different ball game when they start napping consistently, I had 2 hours off for lunch! You're through the worst bit, it will soon get easier.

All of this.

Well, thank fuck for your mum.

Let her in, keep the in-laws out.

They’ve no business at all pressuring you to change your feeding choices. None at all.

And you’re doing this entirely solo as your partner doesn’t seem placed to help much at all. Lean in your mum, let her help you. You’re doing grand.

Your husband can't be spending 24 hours a day sleeping and working, he needs to take the lead with the baby during the rest of his day - whenever is his equivalent of evenings for someone on a 9-5. Yes he's tired (working nights is brutal), but he's getting to leave the house and have adult company and then come home and have uninterrupted sleep so he's doing better than you are.

Ignore the in laws. Take your mum's help.

Honestly, this phase is just really really hard, you're exhausted because babies are exhausting. It really will get better.

Your baby your choices- 3 months old?! Practically still in the womb! Breastfed my eldest til 3 years!!

DM has made similar comments about bf with all 3 of my DC. Stand your ground. I used to suggest to DM that I didn’t need a break from the baby, I was just overwhelmed with trying to everything. So whilst I held/ bf baby other really useful things people could do to help were [batch cook, put the washing machine on etc], and could she please respect my choices.

Your DH also needs to step up. There is no reason why he can’t help, even if he does work shifts.

DH must have some time available outside of work and sleep! He needs to step up.

Limit visits with ILS and continue breastfeeding. It sounds like your mum is far more sensible.

Can you go and stay with your mum for a couple of nights?

It’ll reduce the stress in the day because it won’t matter if baby sleeps. And hopefully you’ll be able to feed baby and have him sleep on your mum so that you can get some naps.

If you can express bottles would your mum do one full night so that you can have a sleep to catch up?

I think everything will feel easier once you’ve had some sleep.

There should be about 3 to 4 hours in the day time for your partner to do his bit. He doesn't get to check out of parenting because he works nights. People who work daytime don't sleep from the minute they get home until they have to get up to work. Your partner is lazy.

Your in laws need to but out. Tell your DP not to pass on any comments from them. It’s your baby, they’ve had their turn.

it’s good you’ve told your min your struggling but you also need your DP to do more when he’s around.

Oh you poor thing!

You are doing a fantastic job!

I had the first grandchild on both sides. I didn't have the best relationship with my mum, and very early on she kept commenting how I should stop breastfeeding my DD1, as it wasn't natural to bf past 6 months. Years later when my sisters had babies, she listened to them (but not me!) and was more supportive of longer term bf.

DH and I had no support from either side, which was really hard, and my babies also were awful sleepers (turned out to be undiagnosed allergies and reflux).
I got mastitis early on, multiple times, with all 4 of my babies. No one offered to help - their help was to comment how I should stop bf so I wouldn't keep getting it.

Not one family member offered to make us a meal, or offer to help with the practical side of things. With my first - DH and I were also students, so we were very poor. DH's aunt suggested I get a cleaner in each week - as she had one. It would have cost 1/4 of the total amount of money we had to live off. She was just so clueless! Didn't help her 16 year old DD would visit unannounced, then complain she was hungry, so she'd start cooking a cake in my kitchen - leaving me the mess to clean up! (I couldn't stop her as I would be in the baby's room bf her, or rocking her to sleep)

Pfft to the criticism on what you are dressing your baby in - they need to mind their own business.

Your DH has to stop passing these messages from the IL onto you - tell him he needs to speak up to them as they are his family, and you don't want him to repeat what they are saying - he is doing this to also make you feel bad.

Your DH also needs to step up and be a parent.

Good luck!

Not your tits, not your opinion. I have no idea why other people are so obsessed with how babies sleep or eat.

I find the phrase ' I'm not taking feedback on that ' very useful in circumstances like this.

I think your DH needs ear plugs or better yet, why doesn't he go and stay at MILs after a night so you don't feel like you have to creep around? It isn't sustainable to keep a baby quiet

When I was little my dad did night shifts so our mornings would be his tea time/early evening and he’d get our breakfasts ready and take us to school and then come home to sleep. Your OH must have similar time free and that’s when he needs to be parenting. He’s being lazy and needs to step up. Presumably he has a bit of time between waking up and going back to work too?

Blimey you're doing brilliantly. Ignore the in-laws with their very outdated ideas! You know that breastfeeding is the best for your baby, and you are supplying the best food they could want or need until they're 6 months old. Rusks, baby rice or formula are the worst possible idea, but they think they are helping suggesting this, they're not, as your health visitor would tell you. Babygros are the ideal clothing for babies, warm, practical, easy to change & wash. There's no need for dresses or dungarees at all. I would sometimes put a cute dress on top of a babygro for a special outing, but 90% of the time my daughter was just in a babygro. I'm glad you confided in your mum, let her help as much as she can. Your husband should also be doing more, 8 hours at work, 8 hours sleeping, leaves him 8 hours to spend with you, helping out with the home and especially your daughter. Don't make excuses for him, he's a dad now, his life has changed and he's got to step up too. As a minimum he should be able to completely take over care of the baby, on his own, 2 hours a day, so you can rest, bathe, relax. You need your rest and he needs to give you the time to relax.

Oh love, it’s so hard but you are doing an amazing job. Huge congratulations on the breastfeeding to get that so well established is brilliant.

I think you should lean on your mum more to help in the short term definitely. The shift pattern your partner is on sounds like a killer.

I know all too well the sleep regression around that three/four month mark… it’s was so tough. I thought I was going to die from exhaustion. I think if you can establish a pattern of naps happening at set times and in a cot it will change your life. I know babies can be particularly and changing that pattern is difficult. It took a good week and a half to two weeks. We did the Just Chill Mama sleep course. It really helped, we got our DS on a fixed nap schedule in his cot and I could catch up on rest. Your partner might want to do his day sleeps elsewhere while you establish the routine? The pressure of keeping a baby quiet isn’t useful.

Have a bit of break, if you can, from the in laws for a week or two. Or at least ignore ignore, ignore. Sounds like they mean well, they might even have some useful thoughts but you are the parent here and it’s important you do things your way. At the moment that relationship is a source of tension so just for a little bit let yourself step back.

Formula won't help. Weaning or rusks/porridge NO at 3 months.
Your DP needs to back you up and inlaws need to get told to be quiet. I wouldn't trust them at all nor would I leave my baby with them, it will be 'oh we just gave a little risk and they were much better'
Believe me from experience I had this ad I had a gastro bug whilst at MY parents and whilst I wad asleep recovering, DH was sent to get bottles and formula then 'oh isn't dc much better on formula (very sick baby), your milk wasn't right for dc'..... actually dc wad very sick until over a year old and is more than likely lactose intolerant.

Fyi I worked 3 or 4 nights from when dc was 5 months old and I'd be the one looking after dc the following day, with 4hours sleep between DH getting home from work and me starting. Your DH needs to be more involved and get up earlier or stay up later after work.

DP has developed work-related tiredness that leads to his support for you diminishing? That's very convenient. He's not too tired to relay the nonsense that his parents are spouting though.

why was your suggestion at the end to say give a formula bottle? To a woman who has made it perfectly clear doesn’t want or need to? It’s a complete myth that formula fed babies sleep better.

You’re doing brilliantly OP. Your baby is just going through the fussy stage all babys do at 3 months old.

this will pass, but you do need better support from your DH. Others are right, he needs to wear ear plugs when he’s sleeping, the baby is only going to get noisier from here. And he also needs to support you better.

that means not passing on his parents comments. Babygrows are also ideal clothes at this age. They don’t need to be wearing clothes.
put some distance between you and then in laws and don’t try to be superhuman. Your job at the moment is to just concentrate on you and the baby. DH can do the dishes and the cleaning around his sleep / work.

Sounds like your partner needs to step up a lot.

My sisters dh works nights and they developed an excellent routine that I was quite jealous of as he was around at completely different times of the day. Your dh has got the same amount of free hours as a person who doesn't work nights.

Stopping breast feeding because someone bought you a piece of equipment is ridiculous. Your in laws are ridiculous.

I think you need to move away from the concept that they are going to be helpful. I don't think they are being helpful.

Breastfeeding is harder to start with, but the longer it goes on the easier it makes your life. None of the shenanigans with bottles and super easy to just whip a boob out. Keep going! (They don't magically stop wanting milk as soon as you introduce foods.)