Micro-managing In-Laws

[RLmadmum]

Hi all

Unsure if it's just because I'm overly emotional and being a first time mum, I'm still not completely sure how to navigate things but here we go:

I have a 3m old. My partner works nights and sleeps in the day so essentially I feel like I'm doing the bulk of parenting on my own. I'm currently breastfeeding and whilst at first my in-laws were supportive of this; I feel like now they are putting pressure on for me to turn to formula so they can take her off my hands so I can catch up on sleep/housework ETC. I express milk also so there is always a supply for them to take but we were bought a prep machine by a relative and I think they're upset that it isn't getting used (they were thanked for the last generous gift but told not to buy one whilst I was pregnant due to me wanting to BF before they bought it but bought it anyways) so I think this is where the pressure is coming from.

We've also hit the stage where we're having a really hard time with baby's sleeping and I'm constantly exhausted and the in-laws are putting this down to breastfeeding and claiming that by switching to formula this will solve the problem. Daytime naps have turned into a battle and baby will only sleep in my atms during the day. With my partner beimg in bed, I need to keep baby quiet so he isn't disturbed and I'm struggling to take baby out in the pram/car as I'm getting too fatigued. It doesn't help with partner working nights as I don't have anyone to really share the load with me and I'm getting to breaking point. I could take baby to their in-laws in the day, but I'm constantly being parented on my parenting and what was a good relationship before has really started to sour and I'm beginning to dread seeing them. They also have an issue with baby being dressed in babygro's and not "proper clothes" because they think babygros are for sleeping only. With the weather only just starting to turn warm, I've kept baby in the babygros for comfort and warmth and they are changed regularly and baby is always clean so I'm really not sure what their issue is here but I could be doing this wrong?

I think the crux of it is, they're lovely people who like to be very hands on and take control of things. However, I'm quite a strong individual myself and though we previously got on really well, the fact I'm not conforming to how they believe their grandchild should be brought up isn't sitting well with them. They're not actually saying these comments to me though, they're telling my partner who is then telling me. He's not impressed and has defended our parenting choices. He's also let his parents know that I'm struggling but they just go straight to "well we would take baby but they're not on formula, it would be easier if they were on formula" and back to applying pressure onto him to get me to switch to formula. I think it's starting to wear him down now too as he's started making comments about switching. They've also been making comments about putting baby rice and rusk in the milk and to begin weaning but I don't feel baby is developmentally ready for that yet and want to wait until a bit older. With the amount of times they're bringing this up, I'm feeling like I can't trust them not to do this and try to not tell me. Even though I would know straight away with baby's poo 🙈 Baby also won't take a dummy and trying to give one causes even more distress but they're adamant we keep trying to give baby one for soothing.

Baby is fine and developing absolutely perfectly breastfeeding and I love it too
Partner doesn't feel excluded as he gives her bottles of expressed milk.

A weakness of mine is that I struggle to ask for help and only do so when I'm at breaking point which is fast approaching. I've finally confided in my mum this week and she's offered so much more support and also a telling off for not coming to her sooner and struggling. I feel like at the minute; I'm prioritising everyone above myself and nobody is taking the time to check in on me when they can quite clearly see that I'm starting to crack. Like I said, partner works nights and sleeps in the day, he does support me but is also very tired (work-related) lately and the level of support I'm getting from him is diminishing. I feel like I can't ask him for help because it just turns into an argument but I just wish he would step up a bit more. At the minute the only break I'm getting is time for a bath and even then it's interrupted by him coming in with the baby because they've started crying downstairs.

Thanks for letting me vent and sorry it's so rambly, I'm absolutely exhausted and just typed away without proof-reading. If you think I'm being unreasonable then please let me know or if you have any tips to resolve this, I would be eternally grateful. Some sleeping tips wouldn't go amiss either! Thank you.

Can your husband go and sleep at your inlaws, not every day but maybe a couple of times a week? Would that help at all?

also, his sleep will be disturbed. Just as my husband’s was as a day worker sleeping in the same house as a little baby. It’s what happens when you live in a house with a new baby. If he’s getting a five hour block it’s more than most new parents get.

I”ll be overly generous here and say your inlaws sound well intentioned. However you’ve a baby now and it’s time to up your boundaries. The advice about telling your partner not to pass on their “advice” is great. If you get it directly you make comments about how you are following current medical advice (ie not weaning from three months) and if they bang on about “things always changing” then you can reply back “yes isn’t scientific research amazing”.

For people who parented without any knowledge of breastfeeding then breast milk can really give them the ick factor. I’ve noticed this. But if you don’t feel they can trust them then don’t leave your baby with them, you won’t rest.

and finally if that machine is sitting boxed up and unused, give it back. Yes they’ll be offended but say “I’m so glad x found it useful, luckily breastfeeding has worked out for me so perhaps you could find another home for it”. I’m sure a baby basics bank could make use of it.

Step right back from the in-laws. Stop telling them that you are struggling, it’s just encouraging them to push their own agenda. Your husband doesn’t need to pass on their comments either. Ask for help from people who can support you in ways that you would find useful.

If you love breastfeeding, please please keep breastfeeding. Prioritise this (and getting sufficient rest to continue with it) over all the other stuff including and especially your bossy in laws. If you have to cosleep to make it work in your context, then go for it. Everyone I know who loved breastfeeding and were made to give up earlier than they wanted for any reason however justified (maternal/baby health, return to work etc), suffered horrible pnd on weaning.

I think it's a guilt thing playing out when parents and in laws who didn't breastfeed pressurise you to stop like this. My parents and in laws both were exactly how you describe, still are even now because my youngest is a toddler and still feeding.

Congratulations on successfully establishing breastfeeding with your first baby, you are doing an amazing job especially considering your partner's work pattern. You have already done the hardest weeks ime.

Your partner sounds like he has signed off from parenting. He needs to clock back in.
Well done for getting the BF so well established and I completely agree that baby grows are the most comfortable and practical clothing.

Just ignore your in laws and tell them (and DP) that you don't want to hear any more of their ridiculous comments.
You've got this OP, you are doing brilliantly, you just need to target DP and get him to get his finger out.

Breastfeeding is the best thing you could do for your baby, especially as its going well. I agree with a pp who said it makes your life so much easier if you keep it up later: when you're out and about, no need to sterilise. (Eg when we took dd on holiday abroad at about 15 months old, I just fed her on and off throughout the long flight and it was a doddle.)

Imo, the reason why the older generation sometimes pushes formula on us is because it was so normal back then to switch onto formula really early, and breastfeeding was almost considered working class (for mums who couldn't afford formula). Secondly, now that breastfeeding is understood to be better, I think there's a subconscious guilt that they have for not doing it for their babies, so they try to convince themselves (and you) that formula has other advantages "helps other family bond with the baby/helps the mum get more sleep". Sorry but that's rubbish and you shouldn't make the wrong choices for your baby just to sooth your MIL's guilt.

You've many years ahead of this if you're not careful. Set a precedent now and do things your way. This is the beginning of a long, fraught road otherwise.
They're not 'lovely' if this is how they make you feel. Over involved maybe.
Just see less of them.

I work nights. I have 2 kids. Just saying. He needs to step the fuck up.

Expressing so that someone else can give a bottle can be a waste of time and energy in the early days.
Your in laws and your partner should be helping with shopping, cleaning and cooking, leaving you free to breast feed on demand and sleep when baby sleeps.
I breast fed all my dc for well over a year each. It gets easier and the more you feed the better your supply.
Your partner needs to speak to his parents. It sounds as if he is opting out atm.
Show them the NHS advice on feeding and weaning.

I’ve noticed even now when my toddler is nearly two, because we’re the mum we seem to do everything automatically. Even when my husband takes his ‘turn’ and puts him to bed etc, he will shout me to get him pyjamas out. The pyjamas have been kept in the same place since he was born but it’s like he sees no issue with asking me to do it, whereas he gets about 80% of the day at work/at the gym/out running completely uninterrupted by toddler things. I have now just started highlighting this every time he does it and I think the penny is slowly starting to drop that I need a break as in ‘leave me alone’ for one chunk of time without shouting me.

I think what you have here is lots of different issues that have added together to cause one big issue. The first thing that needs addressed is at what point of the day is he taking his turn. Regardless of how tired he is, he needs to help and he must get some time off where he could take the baby fully and let you have a breather? He also needs to shut any comments from the in-laws down with a line like ‘if she needs your input on how she chooses to feed I’m sure she’ll ask for it’. They’re being controlling because they think they have some sway over the situation. They don’t. Definitely try to get your mum to help out when she can too. It’s hard and I think it goes through waves of being really hard with everything building up like this, to falling back into a bit of a routine again. I found at this stage listening to a podcast on a walk each day around lunch time really helped to reset me and baby would usually sleep so I could just look at what was going on around me and almost feel like I was out on my own for a bit! Just tackle one problem at a time. You and the baby are two most important people here, anyone else can f* off!

Ps my dd was in babygrows until she was 9 months old, even after starting nursery, and so were the other nursery babies. It's the most comfortable thing for them. Trousers/leggings have tight waistbands and that can be bad for their tummies.

It sounds like you're very exhausted now and a bit tempted to take up the in laws offer of looking after the baby for you - but sleep will get better in coming months, hang in there. You'll start to have longer gaps between breastfeeds and the in laws can take the baby for an hour between feeds, and at 6m they can give a small food snack. So you don't ever have to use formula if your baby doesn't need it

Time to start being with people who support you and nurture you. Do you have friends with kids or supportive childfree friends? Mum, siblings, aunts? making friends with a small baby through baby groups can be reassuring and supportive.

Have a phonecall with your health visitor and GP. Tell her how you feel. Explain your partner is not pulling their weight. There maybe some groups or support you can access through the midwife. If you had gas and air and feel exhausted get your B12 levels checked, you may need injections.

I had a MIL similar and I managed the situation quite well. Each time they said something awful I’d leave prematurely/quietly without s fuss and wouldn’t visit for a few weeks or months. I’d then give them another trial and if they overstepped I’d not see them for a few more weeks/months. The less supportive and more manipulative they were the less I’d see them. Eventually I eked out a boundary which kept my sanity and their behaviour improved.

Your DH can always take your baby to the in-laws for an hour independently.

Another one just chiming in to say it’s a myth FF babies sleep better. I wasn’t able to BF ( no supply, was gutted) and DS woke hourly for months.

Keep doing your thing, and tell your partner to buy earplugs for daytime and to clock back in as a parent.

Those first few months are always tough and a bit of a blur and you need to do what suits you to survive. And if that means letting baby sleep in your arms and being in babygros then so be it. Don’t let your in-laws persuade you to bottle feed just to suit them. It’s not their baby. In a few months you will be able to start sleep training (too early now) and things will improve. In the meantime accept help from your mum and ask your husband to tell his parents to back off. You don’t need the added stress. You are doing a great job.

Ive not read all the replies so it might be said already. At 3m your little one might well reject formila as they wont like the taste.
Sleep - go sit in the park - they sleep better in the cold.

I'm just here to say that's it's very normal for babies to only sleep in your arms and for sleep to generally be shit. Some babies are easy but not many. Mine napped in arms only until about 10 months and was up at least twice in the night until nearly 3. Different milk etc won't change things like that.

I'm sorry you feel stuck. I think DH needs to be firmer and tell them their advice isn't wanted unless requested.

Can you go and stay with your mum for a few days for a change of scene as well as some support?

you need to have a chat with your DP about his share- I bet you’re not getting uninterrupted nights sleep(?) being disturbed when sleeping is normal at this stage- he needs to suck it up in afraid.

he also needs to have a chat with his parents and tell them that it is only support if it is wanted. So advice around how you feed your baby is not helpful at all.

How many nights a week does he work?

If I was you I'd go to your mum for a couple of days and get a break. I'm sorry your in laws are undermining your breastfeeding. Don't listen to them.

Could you give MIL things to do? If you say you usually get on ok, so maybe she wants to help but going about it all wrong

Give her a shopping list
Ask her to do some laundry/ironing/
Ask her to make a lasagne/chilli/something for the freezer
Things like that?

Make her feel useful.

Can you pop over to your mums during the day, take some expressed milk if needs be and spend the day there? Do this regularly - agree that with her beforehand obviously. Your mum, if she's not working is likely to send you off for a nap and look after baby to give you time to rest. I doubt she'll add things to baby's food because she'll do what you ask of her.

Also nap when baby naps. I found this got me through a lot of that constantly exhausted phase. I was still tired, but able to manage how I felt.

Your in-laws are OOO. We all know that weaning before 6m is not recommended and before 4m is taboo - ime, baby will tell you when they want food other than milk. Ask your DP to tell his parents to back off and give you space.

BTW I wish someone had told me to just buy baby grows - they are so easy. Other clothes are for older kids imo. So good choice.

You're doing brilliantly.

Can you go to stay with your mum for a bit @RLmadmum

Carry on with the breastfeeding, you are doing a great job. Stop worrying so much about your DH's sleep. Do what works for you and the baby. Do you have the 1 bedroom? You need to set up a comfortable area somewhere else for when your DH is sleeping.

Stop having your in laws over during the day if they can't support you. Of course a baby should be in comfortable clothes.

You need the full force of your mum, the health visitor, siblings, whoever to have your back at the moment.

Oh my god, I totally had this with my own Mum. The insistence that I should switch to formula feeding. Please just ignore them and go what is right for you and your baby. I exclusively breastfed for a year (and with 3 more babies!) and admit that I found it upsetting the constant insistence that my baby was hungry and I needed to give him formula. Sigh. It’s tough as it’s just you doing and sleep deprivation is a killer. I know not that you want to hear but it will get easier. I found trying to get into a bit of a routine helped me but it’s tough. Babygrows are totally the way forward so you’re doing the right thing there! Comfy for baby and easy. I even subjected both my boys and girls to nightie-type babygrows with no poppers to make it even easier at nighttime!

You’ll see with a baby that everyone has their own opinion about things but take it with a pinch of salt and keep doing what feels right to YOU!

P.S. I totally miss the days of baby sleeping on my chest. No I didn’t make a rod for my own back (as was commonly told) and my babies/children are great sleepers (even with co-sleeping etc). Just enjoy it (even if exhausting) as it will pass by in a heartbeat.

I could very nearly have written this. I have a partner that works all hours and four month old twins who I breastfeed. In-laws always want to come round but just aren’t helpful when here. (Thankfully the breastfeeding vs formula chat has stopped.)

i am only managing because I get enough sleep and I get that by safely bed sharing. The babies sleep and when hungry in the night they nuzzle around for the
nipple, have a feed and then go straight back to sleep. They get in with me at 10pm and can sleep for twelve hours like this. My partner sleeps in the other room.

I know this wouldn’t work for everyone but just wanted to share in case it’s something that might help. I was quite worried when I was pregnant about SIDS and didn’t consider bed sharing/co-sleeping til I was desperate but now I really love it. It feels very natural.

In the beginning when I was getting close to no sleep I lost all my resilience and started accepting the type of ‘help’ I didn’t really want and didn’t align with how I wanted to parent. Sleep changed that and so did having a brilliant doula who was also a breastfeeding counsellor come for two mornings a week. My in-laws paid for her - that was the best help ever!

Stick to your guns with the breastfeeding and all the luck with the sleep and navigating in-laws

@RLmadmum

You are doing brilliantly, don't worry.

Babygros are perfect, my DD was is them for ages, they were just the easiest clothing.

Don't give up the BF as you are doing well and it is working for you and your baby

Your partner needs to do more, they must get at least two days off a week unless he does 7 in a row then gets more days off the following week so he can have the Baby for some time on those days.

Can you stay at your Mums for a couple of days so you can recharge and if possible the baby can have some time with your mum while you sleep.

Your in laws need to back off a bit as they are ruining the previous good relationship with you.

The more they push the more you will step back from them.

Why isn't your DH helping more . So what if he works nights why does he get a good sleep when you don't. I think it's time he realises he needs to do more . Your in the bath baby crying, he needs to sort it .

I’m furious on your behalf about it all! Who gives someone an unasked for Perfect Prep machine? So weird. Who cares how other people feed their babies? Your baby is still tiny – babygros are ideal at this stage because they’ve still got those fat, windy tummies, why anyone wants to put something with a waistband on a baby is beyond me. The baby doesn’t need to look smart for work. It’s not appearing in court.

Keep breastfeeding as that’s what you want to do; changing to formula isn’t a magic sleeping bullet. Nor is solids; nor is crawling or walking or whatever. They sleep when they learn to sleep and some can be nudged in that direction but not at three months.

Your partner needs earplugs so you feel more relaxed in the day – I think creeping will be adding to your fatigue. As will battling the in-laws! Where is this messaging coming from: are they telling your partner? Tell him you don’t want to hear it. Telling you? Stop going round/inviting them round. Relatives who behave well get to see the baby; relatives who think your boobs are their business can fuck right off. Weaponise that baby! Texts/WhatsApp? Mute mute mute and ignore.

I’m currently battling the four-month regression with my, er, five-month old (when does it eeeend) and having done this before with older DC, I do recommend getting outdoors! Especially now it’s spring: the temptation is to stay in all day weeping with tiredness but getting out really does help: let fresh air slap you round the face; sunshine. Fresh air allegedly helps babies sleep (extremely “citation needed” if my babies are anything to go by). Hot showers and hot coffee (both for you, obviously), mountains of chocolate (ditto), voodoo doll of the in-laws to take out your tired rage… Cosleep for survival. Know that it ends. Know that breastfeeding is a miracle drug for getting babies back to sleep and also you. Practice nipple squirting to get your in-laws right in the eye.