Micro-managing In-Laws

[RLmadmum]

Hi all

Unsure if it's just because I'm overly emotional and being a first time mum, I'm still not completely sure how to navigate things but here we go:

I have a 3m old. My partner works nights and sleeps in the day so essentially I feel like I'm doing the bulk of parenting on my own. I'm currently breastfeeding and whilst at first my in-laws were supportive of this; I feel like now they are putting pressure on for me to turn to formula so they can take her off my hands so I can catch up on sleep/housework ETC. I express milk also so there is always a supply for them to take but we were bought a prep machine by a relative and I think they're upset that it isn't getting used (they were thanked for the last generous gift but told not to buy one whilst I was pregnant due to me wanting to BF before they bought it but bought it anyways) so I think this is where the pressure is coming from.

We've also hit the stage where we're having a really hard time with baby's sleeping and I'm constantly exhausted and the in-laws are putting this down to breastfeeding and claiming that by switching to formula this will solve the problem. Daytime naps have turned into a battle and baby will only sleep in my atms during the day. With my partner beimg in bed, I need to keep baby quiet so he isn't disturbed and I'm struggling to take baby out in the pram/car as I'm getting too fatigued. It doesn't help with partner working nights as I don't have anyone to really share the load with me and I'm getting to breaking point. I could take baby to their in-laws in the day, but I'm constantly being parented on my parenting and what was a good relationship before has really started to sour and I'm beginning to dread seeing them. They also have an issue with baby being dressed in babygro's and not "proper clothes" because they think babygros are for sleeping only. With the weather only just starting to turn warm, I've kept baby in the babygros for comfort and warmth and they are changed regularly and baby is always clean so I'm really not sure what their issue is here but I could be doing this wrong?

I think the crux of it is, they're lovely people who like to be very hands on and take control of things. However, I'm quite a strong individual myself and though we previously got on really well, the fact I'm not conforming to how they believe their grandchild should be brought up isn't sitting well with them. They're not actually saying these comments to me though, they're telling my partner who is then telling me. He's not impressed and has defended our parenting choices. He's also let his parents know that I'm struggling but they just go straight to "well we would take baby but they're not on formula, it would be easier if they were on formula" and back to applying pressure onto him to get me to switch to formula. I think it's starting to wear him down now too as he's started making comments about switching. They've also been making comments about putting baby rice and rusk in the milk and to begin weaning but I don't feel baby is developmentally ready for that yet and want to wait until a bit older. With the amount of times they're bringing this up, I'm feeling like I can't trust them not to do this and try to not tell me. Even though I would know straight away with baby's poo 🙈 Baby also won't take a dummy and trying to give one causes even more distress but they're adamant we keep trying to give baby one for soothing.

Baby is fine and developing absolutely perfectly breastfeeding and I love it too
Partner doesn't feel excluded as he gives her bottles of expressed milk.

A weakness of mine is that I struggle to ask for help and only do so when I'm at breaking point which is fast approaching. I've finally confided in my mum this week and she's offered so much more support and also a telling off for not coming to her sooner and struggling. I feel like at the minute; I'm prioritising everyone above myself and nobody is taking the time to check in on me when they can quite clearly see that I'm starting to crack. Like I said, partner works nights and sleeps in the day, he does support me but is also very tired (work-related) lately and the level of support I'm getting from him is diminishing. I feel like I can't ask him for help because it just turns into an argument but I just wish he would step up a bit more. At the minute the only break I'm getting is time for a bath and even then it's interrupted by him coming in with the baby because they've started crying downstairs.

Thanks for letting me vent and sorry it's so rambly, I'm absolutely exhausted and just typed away without proof-reading. If you think I'm being unreasonable then please let me know or if you have any tips to resolve this, I would be eternally grateful. Some sleeping tips wouldn't go amiss either! Thank you.

Share less information and tell your partner to stop relaying their feedback. Nip this in the bud now. It's your baby, nobody else's and you should do as you see fit. You're doing wonderfully by all accounts so carry on. Don't give up breastfeeding, ignore any of their shit. Focus on the pair of you.

The thing is with a partner who works nights you were always going to do the bulk of childcare in the day. Did you not discuss how this would work before you had baby? It would have been useful to have some kind of plan where he wakes after having 6-7 hours giving you a few hours to either nap or do other chores. Alternatively he could use those few hours to keep on top of laundry or cook meals.

If he's told your inlaws that you are struggling then if implies you need help however in my view you can't dictate what they do if they help. It sounds like they would rather have baby for a few hours than clean your home or cook meals. That's understandstandable. Tbh I think rather than relying on your mum or inlaws for help you need to talk to your partner about whether their job works for your family and what the options are so a cleaner a few times a week, outsourcing laundry. Night shifts are tough but it doesn't absolve him of household chores.

As for the breastfeeding comments you just need to be firm if it's something you want to do and repeat your mantra every time it is challenged. Re the clothes everyone will have a different opinion. At 3 months my youngest was in outfits but she was born a big baby, up until that point she wore different babygros in the night compared to day.

I can empathise with you so much, I had a very similar experience with my mother in law who was so anti breastfeeding, and my husband has never helped much/at all during the nights so I spent those first few months exhausted. But you're doing brilliantly! 3 months breastfeeding is amazing and if you want to carry on then definitely do, don't be influenced by your in laws and don't buy into the myth that a bottle of formula before bed helps anything. If you can't trust your in laws to respect your wishes (like not giving baby rice) then don't leave your baby with them. I have never left mine with my mother in law for this reason, despite her asking many times. You're in the fourth trimester and baby wanting to sleep only in your arms is completely normal! It's exhausting but you're providing baby with everything they need, that's amazing! It will get better soon, those first few months are really hard. I would definitely recommend mum and baby groups to get yourself a more helpful support network.

Wow, completely overwhelmed by all your replies, thank you so much. I was so sure that I was just being hormonal and emotional here and I was just taking things to heart a little too much.

I'll have to speak to my partner. He works 5/6 nights a week as a HGV driver so I know it's important for him to be rested because I don't want him to drop off at the wheel and wipe families out. But I do agree he needs to step up and help more, especially when I can't even have a bath uninterrupted. The thing with the in-laws is: my partner works with his dad and 90% of this is happening at work. His dad is literally laying it out to him at work (in front of everyone too and getting their co-workers to agree with him) so my partner is genuinely thinking we're doing something wrong. I don't even know how the conversations are starting or what's being said, I just get the gist of it. His mum is playing the innocent card that she's not said anything, but she's brought things up numerous times about the feeding ETC on the phone and made a comment the other day about baby wearing proper clothes for a change, so I know she's also had an opinion. It's kind of one of them situations where I feel like I'm being slagged off behind my back and the comments are there to just completely undermine me. Normally I would be able to stick up for myself, but I'm just that drained at the minute I can't even think properly.

Partners taking baby up to his parents today to let me sleep and also have it out with them about them attempting to parent the parenting. I would never do anything to jeopardise their relationship with their son and grandchild and they would always be welcome to see their grandchild whenever they want. But I'd rather just remove myself from the equation if this is going to continue and just have minimal contact with them. The majority of my friends work and have their own little families so I really don't want to encroach on them but they've been good at getting me out the house to grab a coffee when they've been able to. As for my family, only have my brother who lives an hour away and has a baby a few months older than mine so I know he's got a lot going on and my mum who is splitting her time between the two of us when she has free time. But my mums been warned off me before now about commenting on the breastfeeding as she's not been squeaky clean either. Now she's aware and just wants to support me, so it must be a generational thing as someone commented.

Thank you all so much. I truly do appreciate every one of your comments ❤️

I have a 4 month old and BF also, I don't understand why people insist on trying to get formula in your child! They aren't developmentally ready for food until 6 months this is evidence based and they are probably working on outdated info. Talk to the health visitor with your husband, he can then relay to them you are doing the very best for your child.

Sell the machine and pop the money in a bank account for baby no one can moan about that and then they can butt out!

With my MIL and my parents I have agreed to once a week visit. Tell your husband you need an hour a day alone to bath and recharge baby can have your expressed milk and you NEED that time!

Congratulations it sounds like you are doing a fab job.

Your partner needs to step up and tell his dad that the baby is not up for discussion in the workplace. As for the “proper clothes”, hand MIL the baby next time there’s a “poonami up to the armpits” situation and ask how proper clothes might benefit the situation more than a babygro.

You’re doing wonderfully.

The thing with the in-laws is: my partner works with his dad and 90% of this is happening at work. His dad is literally laying it out to him at work (in front of everyone too and getting their co-workers to agree with him) so my partner is genuinely thinking we're doing something wrong.

Time for your partner to look for another job, I think. HGV drivers are very much in demand so it shouldn't be difficult.

Yes I was going to comment on this. Why on earth is he disturbing you in the bath because the baby is crying? Can he not care for his own crying child for the length of time it takes you to finish your bath?

It sounds like he doesn't yet consider the baby to be any of his responsibility and maybe hasn't done enough hands on stuff yet to feel confident. He does need to step up more. Why should he get unbroken sleep and get to do nothing for his child?

Annoying as your PILs are it sounds like your DH is a bigger problem.

Of course, there is always the possibility that if you push him to do more he will be commenting to his parents and then they will be pressuring you to take more of their "help" so their precious son gets his rest.

You are doing a great job!

I think your DH needs to step up - even if he is working nights, it should still leave him with some spare time to help you in the afternoon / evening.

In regards to your ILs, stand your grand and make sure your DH has your back. They don't get to dictate what your baby eats or wears.

Imo, the reason why the older generation sometimes pushes formula on us is because it was so normal back then to switch onto formula really early, and breastfeeding was almost considered working class (for mums who couldn't afford formula).

No, it bloody isn't. I do get pissed off with this perception that the older generation were all 50s housewives to whom breastfeeding was strange and nasty. The reality is that they are at least as likely to have been parenting in the 80s when we were going to NCT classes and groups and following Penelope Leach, and it was all demand-led breastfeeding for at least 6 months. It certainly wasn't considered a working class thing, rather the reverse, middle-class mother and baby groups were happily swapping breastfeeding tips all the time. If it's so generational, how come formula is being pushed so much all over the place now?

On his days off your DH does housework, washing etc. He does some of the same when he wakes up on days he works( I've worked shifts and is exactly what I did, no different to working 9-5,you still need to keep on top of jobs). He stops engaging re you breastfeeding because it's no other person's business. If he did more in the house you will be less tired so better able to get on with the breastfeeding. Less stress etc. His parents have no say in how you feed your baby. I always think how odd it is that people are very keen to feed the baby, even going as far as promoting formula, but never want to get stuck into doing housework. I'd rather a load of laundry was put on and sorted than in laws fed baby formula.

Just keep parroting "advice has changed" re weaning, ignore the feeding comments - they want you to use formula for their own benefit, not yours or the baby's, and "proper clothes" for a 3 month old is a fucking ridiculous concept.

It must be so hard to bat off when you're so tired, but I'm glad your partner is on your side. It's hard when he's hearing it all the time from everyone at work - my husband had the same nonsense "advice" from his colleagues, but again "advice has changed", or he can change the subject / ask why they care so much.

People mostly give advice to validate their own choices about the way they raised their children, but this is YOUR child, and your choices. You're not doing anything wrong.

If the parents in law really care they you are exhausted and need a real why don't they cook a few meals or do your ironing ?

I'd be sending DH to his parents to sleep so you can go about your day normally - without the added stress of keeping a baby quiet. She's a baby, sometimes always in DS2s case they're not quiet and you shouldn't need to worry about her making noise.

If you're home alone with baby you can just go about your day - snooze when she does etc.

It'll also mean you're not needing to insert yourself in the in laws house to face more criticism.

Can he cut down his number of nights at all? 5/6 weekly is a lot!

DH needs to be more on board too. He's a parent now and he needs to be a parent now. Stepping up with baby, stepping up with his parents and supporting you there. His job can't be an excuse - lots of parents have jobs and still have to parent.

Because they don’t give a shit about OP, they just want to cuddle the baby.

I'm sorry you are pissed off.
Op was likely born in the late 80s/early 90s.
UK breastfeeding initiation rates:
1990-1993 55%
2005 76%
2010 81%.
Stats for breastfeeding retention at 6m is similar trend but far lower.
It absolutely is generational and I'm sorry if this makes you angry.

Go and stay with your mum for a few days and get looked after.

Re his dad saying this at work - I didn't realise Lorry drivers had so much interest in breastfeeding conversations!!! That's just bloody weird. He needs to kick his parents into touch and set some boundaries.

I had a baby that never slept due to illness. He cried for 20 hours out of every 24 for the 1st 6 months.

In my case it was my MIL who was helpful but in your case it's your mum. One night a week, she used to stay downstairs with the baby so I could get a full night's sleep. Then at the weekend, DH would do a night. That way, I could survive on just cat naps the rest of the time. Would this be an option?

They do get better though eventually.

As for the in laws, don't accept help that comes with strings attached and always stand your ground on anything that matters to you.

Your in laws had their parenting days, and now this is your time. You are doing nothing wrong, and they need to wind it in!

Your husband needs to get ear plugs and have white noise set up in his bedroom. You can’t keep the baby silent and he will have to get used to it.
If you want to keep breastfeeding, then do it! And if baby falls asleep in your arms that’s fine. Try and dose while baby is sleeping even for half an hour.

Dont worry about the prep machine, you told relatives you didn’t want one and they bought it anyway. Their choice. And babygros are very practical and don’t need ironing….

Next time they say anything about rice and rusks just laugh and say oh yes I heard mums were told to do that in days gone by. And if they keep on say very calmly that you will follow the latest evidence based guidelines on feeding babies issued by professional care workers. Just as she did in her time.

Once baby gets to a year or so you will find it easier to deal with them…

OP there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with your baby wearing babygrows! My mum used to say that what they need most before 6-8 months, in terms of clothes, is comfort! 'Proper clothes' are not comfortable. Besides, at 3 months old they do more sleeping than being awake anyway! Perhaps just pop a cardigans on her when you go out and save your prettiest babygrows for trips out.
Your in laws sound awful and I would make sure they're always supervised around her

Yes I was just thinking this myself and wondering how old the OP's parents and parents-in-law are.

I had my babies in the 80s and breastfeeding was encouraged and I breastfed both mine until about 18 months and had friends who breastfed for longer. We came from all different backgrounds. All this put a rusk in the bottle business is the sort of thing my parents' generation might have said who had their children in the 50s. In fact I think my mum said her mother used to say this when she was trying to feed me.

Your in laws sound like morons with zero self awareness - it's totally not their place to suggest formula and they don't get a say in what your DS wears day to day. At 3 months a baby grow is the best option 💯 . You have bigger fish to fry than giving two shits about what your baby is wearing. I think the PP machine is outrageous (also yuk) - put it on marketplace. I mean baby rice and rusks ffs it's not the 1980's. Your DH really needs to get some boundaries in place with them and stick to it. It's really not on you to train them how to behave in an acceptable, non-toxic way.
Your baby is perfectly fine being ebf! You're doing great and don't let anyone undermine you.
I think lean into your mum's support, or could go spend a few days there in her home.
DH needs to figure out how to support you more, what can he do before he goes to sleep, also get ear plugs. You're both doing night shifts essentially and whatever he does, I guarantee your job is harder!
Sleeping does seem to get a bit better at about 6 months, that all sounds very normal. Can your DH do nights at weekend with pumped milk so you can sleep?
Or your mum help with pumped milk?
Good luck OP, defo keep a wide birth from those in laws.

Sorry, meant to add that the best way I found to counteract these sorts of "suggestions" was to say that I'd checked this with my health visitor who strongly advised me not to do it. (I mean stuff like rusks in bottles etc.) They didn't feel they could then say "well I still think you should do it" apart from one aunty. I just said that I was sure they wouldn't want me to go against the advice of my health visitor.

Haven't read all the comments but just wanted to say how hard I'd find it if I were in your position. Sounds really tough.
Our baby had a tongue tie and would have painful trapped wind and scream at times and apparently some of my husband's work colleagues suggested formula (when we hadn't identified the problem yet) and that was enough to put my hackles up. So can't imagine how cross I'd be getting it from the in-laws all the time.

I've realised part of being a parent is advocating for my baby which involves being more assertive than I'd naturally be.

There is a thing called the broken record technique where you keep repeating the same response. It makes people give up more quickly and realise you're steadfast and won't change your mind.
Eg "thanks for offering but we've actually decided not to introduce formula at this stage."
And then if they continue, "yes, I see what you mean but we've decided not to introduce formula at this stage."

Just realised this might be irrelevant because a lot of this is coming via your partner but still, thought I'd mention it.

Your partner needs to put his foot down, very firmly.

“Dad, please stop discussing my home life at work, you and Mum don’t have to like or understand the way we are parenting but
you do have to respect it. I hope this will be the end of the matter.”