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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell auntie that my mum is dying

82 replies

Busybeezs · 30/04/2023 01:36

My dad has one brother. Both met their wives when they were all teens and are all still married now. Dad and uncle have a very explosive relationship and regularly have major bust ups and fall outs. Neither marriage is happy. Mum and auntie (related by marriage) have sustained a near 50 year friendship throughout this and have never let the (very difficult and unpleasant men) impact their relationship.

My dad and uncle had a major, major falling out about 2 years/18m ago. I have no idea what happened but it in some way involved my cousin (uncles son) and following this, my mum stopped hearing from my auntie. After about 6 months, my mum rang my auntie to see if they were still friends and it turns out my uncle and dad were involving cousin (male, 40s) in their arguments and it was taking a toll on cousins MH. as a result, auntie went NC with my entire family - though she did not say this explicitly. When my mum called, auntie expressed relief that they could stay in touch and they had a great talk, and said she would call.my mum soon
... but never has. My mum understood and respected that auntie is just looking out for her son but I know she is hurt That she is collateral damage due to the behaviour of two grown men.

In the past year, my mum has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and may have only between 6m and 2years left, depending on how palliative treatment works, but honestly she isn't fully cognisant of this and still thinks they will be able to cure it. She has said she wants as few people to know what's going on as possible as she's embarrassed at how ill she is and wants to get better.

My AIBU - should I tell my auntie what's going on and give her the opportunity to call.my mum 'out of the blue' and reestablish their relationship while.mum is still around? I want to be respectful of both of their boundaries, but I have a horrible feeling my auntie will be left feeling regret. Although I run the risk of overstepping by contacting my auntie, I worry that not giving her the opportunity might also hurt her. It also.makes me sad to think my mum is dying and thinks one of her oldest and closest friends doesn't care about her. If auntie declines to make contact, mum is none the wiser and I have a clear conscience.

YABU - NC is NC, keep out of it
YANBU - surely she deserves to know so she can make an informed decision

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 30/04/2023 01:41

Do you think your dad could possibly prioritize your mum’s health while your mum’s re-establishing contact? You don’t want his reaction stressing her out more…
The other thing you need to find out is whether or not your cousin was involved in a business thing with your Dad and uncle and his mum is going to protect his “reputation” regardless.

Cherryblossomgirly · 30/04/2023 01:42

I would tell her. I’d be a shame for your auntie to not know and be full of regret later.

OriginalUsername2 · 30/04/2023 01:48

I would tell her.

Summer2424 · 30/04/2023 01:48

Hi @Busybeezs i'm so sorry about your Mum going through this x
YANBU, at first your Mum might not be too happy that you've told your Aunty but in the long run i think contact will. be good for your Mum x

Chezza2502 · 30/04/2023 01:51

I would tell auntie and I feel both mum and auntie will be happy you intervened. I feel that it would cause your auntie a great deal of sadness because once your mum has passed there will be no chance of either of them making up again.

Offleyhoo · 30/04/2023 01:59

I just wrote a long reply and lost it. The essence was please do this kind thing. Similar happened here and bridges were rebuilt. I am very sorry about your mum and hope this brings her some happiness.

Original poster
Busybeezs · 30/04/2023 02:00

Definitely not business related - they're just both horrible old grumps who love fighting with each other and somehow cousin has been dragged into the drama and it has gotten too much for my auntie.

Thank you all so far, I keep thinking that if I was my auntie I would want to know before I lost the chance. Thanks for kind words. Was really unsure if I was disrespecting aunties boundaries.

OP posts:
Tumbler2121 · 30/04/2023 02:01

speaking as someone who had cancer diagnosis last year .. respect your mothers wishes.. she doesn't want her cancer to be common knowledge.

if this woman has ghosted your mother you would be totally in the wrong to give her private information that your mother does not want to share.

Original poster
Busybeezs · 30/04/2023 02:11

@Tumbler2121 I do understand this and want to be mindful, but I know that if my auntie was in contact with my mum, my mum would tell her. The barrier is the contact. There's every chance my auntie could say thanks but no thanks (I don't think she would, both women are cancer survivors and my auntie was a huge support to my mum when she had radical cancer treatment 7 years ago). I'm just trying to.open the door a crack and make my mum feel less lonely. But I do agree, it feels wrong to break the confidence even if its in good spirit

OP posts:
TheDogsWardrobe · 30/04/2023 02:14

Your aunt said she would contact your mum after your mum called her last. She didn’t. She’s made her choice.

On top of that, you mum has said she doesn’t want people to know.

You need to leave it.

Tumbler2121 · 30/04/2023 02:18

Your aunt could contact your mother once and disappear again, which would be doubly painful. If she cares for your mum she would be in touch anyway.

I feel very strongly about this, and would have been devastated if my daughters had told my siblings about my diagnosis. Not because of falling out, but because I'd be pestered for details, probably the subject of a WhatsApp group (currently happening with a cousin)

and please don't use your aunts possible regret as a factor , current situation her choice.

RunningUpThatMill · 30/04/2023 02:20

Phone your aunt and tell her. You know best, and you are asking because you know it would be off not to tell her. Phone your aunt. I'm sorry your mum is dying, it's horrendously painful.

PollyPeptide · 30/04/2023 05:17

Time passes so quickly and we say we'll ring and before we know it a year has passed. Don't hold the not contacting your mum against her. I'd ring and give them the opportunity to mend their bond. Mind you, I'd also be sitting my dad down and giving him what for over his behaviour. He could make this easier if his pride wasn't greater than his love for his wife.

fruitypancake · 30/04/2023 06:23

Yes get in contact with your auntie . X

TheyIndeed · 30/04/2023 06:26

Couldn't you just tell your auntie your mum really misses her and please get in touch?

And tell your dad he's a knob

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 06:27

I think you should tell her. But let her know there's absolutely no pressure from you and that DM doesn't want people knowing.

Poppyblush · 30/04/2023 06:48

Why don’t you ask auntie why she didn’t contact your mum before you tell her?

Ossification · 30/04/2023 06:57

She has said she wants as few people to know what's going on as possible as she's embarrassed at how ill she is and wants to get better

This: your mum's express wishes...
It is a dreadful position for you, but your mum and your aunt clealry knew the score and your mum was complying with your aunt's requests, understanding that being in touch was more awkward for your aunt than herself
It may ne worth jusy asking your mum
But more importantly, she also needs to accept her diagnosis: this will be a massive thing, and brining in old familt feuds during this time would add to the trauma

I am so sorry you are in this situation, esp having to come to terms with your feelings. Life is a bowl of yuk at times

TeeBee · 30/04/2023 06:59

I would encourage your mum to contact auntie again. Her illness is her information to share, not yours.

Ossification · 30/04/2023 07:02

RunningUpThatMill · 30/04/2023 02:20

Phone your aunt and tell her. You know best, and you are asking because you know it would be off not to tell her. Phone your aunt. I'm sorry your mum is dying, it's horrendously painful.

Why do people assume it is acceptable to go against a person's express wishes? It is up to the individual who is ill as to whom the information/diagnosis is given, not family or friends.
Used to see this often in EoL Care; patients were very distressed when suddenly a whole host of people they hadn't seen for decades suddenly tumbling out of the woodwork.
It is selfish in the extreme to override your loved ones wishes

Ossification · 30/04/2023 07:03

Chezza2502 · 30/04/2023 01:51

I would tell auntie and I feel both mum and auntie will be happy you intervened. I feel that it would cause your auntie a great deal of sadness because once your mum has passed there will be no chance of either of them making up again.

How the fuck do you know this? You have a 'feeling' all will be well
Move over Mystic Meg

phishfoodforlife · 30/04/2023 07:04

The absolute most you should do is contact your Aunty and say your mum would love to hear from her. Do not tell her about your mum's illness! That's a massive breach of trust and I'd be furious.

Ossification · 30/04/2023 07:04

Tumbler2121 · 30/04/2023 02:01

speaking as someone who had cancer diagnosis last year .. respect your mothers wishes.. she doesn't want her cancer to be common knowledge.

if this woman has ghosted your mother you would be totally in the wrong to give her private information that your mother does not want to share.

This x 100

GuevarasBeret · 30/04/2023 07:06

Why has no one ever told you Dad to stop being such a cunt.

How dare he and his brother cause so much upset over years and decades.
How dare he ruin your mothers friendship.

Tell him to get to fuck, and to stop being an arrogant prick.
Preferably do this whilst his brother is there to get the same message.

SmallElephants · 30/04/2023 07:15

I agree with posters who say contact your aunt but don’t tell her about the diagnosis. She may guess that’s ok

sorry for your pain in all this