To tell auntie that my mum is dying

[Busybeezs]

My dad has one brother. Both met their wives when they were all teens and are all still married now. Dad and uncle have a very explosive relationship and regularly have major bust ups and fall outs. Neither marriage is happy. Mum and auntie (related by marriage) have sustained a near 50 year friendship throughout this and have never let the (very difficult and unpleasant men) impact their relationship.

My dad and uncle had a major, major falling out about 2 years/18m ago. I have no idea what happened but it in some way involved my cousin (uncles son) and following this, my mum stopped hearing from my auntie. After about 6 months, my mum rang my auntie to see if they were still friends and it turns out my uncle and dad were involving cousin (male, 40s) in their arguments and it was taking a toll on cousins MH. as a result, auntie went NC with my entire family - though she did not say this explicitly. When my mum called, auntie expressed relief that they could stay in touch and they had a great talk, and said she would call.my mum soon
... but never has. My mum understood and respected that auntie is just looking out for her son but I know she is hurt That she is collateral damage due to the behaviour of two grown men.

In the past year, my mum has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and may have only between 6m and 2years left, depending on how palliative treatment works, but honestly she isn't fully cognisant of this and still thinks they will be able to cure it. She has said she wants as few people to know what's going on as possible as she's embarrassed at how ill she is and wants to get better.

My AIBU - should I tell my auntie what's going on and give her the opportunity to call.my mum 'out of the blue' and reestablish their relationship while.mum is still around? I want to be respectful of both of their boundaries, but I have a horrible feeling my auntie will be left feeling regret. Although I run the risk of overstepping by contacting my auntie, I worry that not giving her the opportunity might also hurt her. It also.makes me sad to think my mum is dying and thinks one of her oldest and closest friends doesn't care about her. If auntie declines to make contact, mum is none the wiser and I have a clear conscience.

YABU - NC is NC, keep out of it
YANBU - surely she deserves to know so she can make an informed decision

This.

Can't believe people are advocating breaching the mother's trust in this way, it's absolutely horrible.

It's demeaning to think that her wishes don't matter, like she's a child, because of her diagnosis.

Let her come to terms with it OP - and come to terms with it yourself - rather than playing God with your family relationships and potentially ruing the last months of your mum's life.

Secrets like that will never stay secret. Someone will slip up at some point.

I lost DP to cancer almost three years ago. The only member of his family that he was still in touch with was his sister but that was very sporadic and she would often not be in contact for months or even years.

I asked him if he wanted me to tell her and he was certain that he did not want her to know. There was a very short time between diagnosis and his death and I think he had enough difficulty trying to cope with the situation himself without his sister knowing. His view was that she would just create more drama. He was going through so much without also having to deal with the fact that I would have been going against his wishes. Maybe ask your mum if she would like you to get in touch but if she says no then you should respect her wishes.

I had felt that DPs sister would want to know but in the end it was down to him. His family also had a lot of family drama and he just couldn't cope with it. Maybe your mum feels the same.

No way. If your mum wanted to she would reach out. This would be a massive overstep on your part

I can say what I friggin want to say...I feel so yeah if that makes me Mystic Meg then so be it you waste of space, if you can't understand what figure of speech is then that's your problem.

How is your relationship with your Aunt? Its always the case when people fall out it trickles to the next generation. I think maybe you should contact your aunt and try to reconnect with her. Your mum may not encourage this but she can't tell you who you may contact. If your aunt enquires after your mum you could suggest she calls herself and leave the rest to your mum. Likewise when mum hears you have been chatting to aunt she might want to reconnect too. I think it would be a 'gentle nudge' rather than interfering. Sorry about your mum and your idiot dad.

My Mum was NC with her Sister. I struggled with this exact same dilemma when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I decided to just leave it, I don’t think my Mum would have appreciated me going behind her back.

can you speak to your mum about your auntie and suggest she gets back in touch?