To tell auntie that my mum is dying

[Busybeezs]

My dad has one brother. Both met their wives when they were all teens and are all still married now. Dad and uncle have a very explosive relationship and regularly have major bust ups and fall outs. Neither marriage is happy. Mum and auntie (related by marriage) have sustained a near 50 year friendship throughout this and have never let the (very difficult and unpleasant men) impact their relationship.

My dad and uncle had a major, major falling out about 2 years/18m ago. I have no idea what happened but it in some way involved my cousin (uncles son) and following this, my mum stopped hearing from my auntie. After about 6 months, my mum rang my auntie to see if they were still friends and it turns out my uncle and dad were involving cousin (male, 40s) in their arguments and it was taking a toll on cousins MH. as a result, auntie went NC with my entire family - though she did not say this explicitly. When my mum called, auntie expressed relief that they could stay in touch and they had a great talk, and said she would call.my mum soon
... but never has. My mum understood and respected that auntie is just looking out for her son but I know she is hurt That she is collateral damage due to the behaviour of two grown men.

In the past year, my mum has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and may have only between 6m and 2years left, depending on how palliative treatment works, but honestly she isn't fully cognisant of this and still thinks they will be able to cure it. She has said she wants as few people to know what's going on as possible as she's embarrassed at how ill she is and wants to get better.

My AIBU - should I tell my auntie what's going on and give her the opportunity to call.my mum 'out of the blue' and reestablish their relationship while.mum is still around? I want to be respectful of both of their boundaries, but I have a horrible feeling my auntie will be left feeling regret. Although I run the risk of overstepping by contacting my auntie, I worry that not giving her the opportunity might also hurt her. It also.makes me sad to think my mum is dying and thinks one of her oldest and closest friends doesn't care about her. If auntie declines to make contact, mum is none the wiser and I have a clear conscience.

YABU - NC is NC, keep out of it
YANBU - surely she deserves to know so she can make an informed decision

I reported it. What a hideously insensitive post

is NOT able to make it

(Oh and not to be offensive but please STFU with the lemon water and nuts crap!)

If you go against your mums wishes to stay peaceful and quiet there is nothing to say your auntie won't decide to tell everyone "so they can support your mum"

I'm really sorry about the lemon water idiot, OP. My mum had stage 4 cancer and every time anyone suggested any of that quackery it hurt my soul. How I would have LOVED it to work, if it weren't devoid of any scientific merit whatsoever we would of course have tried it.

Having been in a similar situation (my mum spotted my grandma's dementia very early, over a weekend at her house my grandmother accused her of all manner of awful things, her children believed her rants and there was a big family fight, around twelve months later my grandmother had an episode in M&S and her dementia became pretty undeniable) I remember my mum very distinctly saying to me that she wasn't up for any big death bed forgiveness scenes and that she would rather spend the little time she had left with the family members that didn't accuse her of ridiculous things.

Most stayed away out of shame tbh, but I managed to keep one lot away from her until she lost consciousness.

It's up to your mother to decide who she tells and who she wants to see. If you feel very strongly in your heart that your mother would appreciate the love and company of her SiL then maybe you could give SiL a heads up without delivering the news fully yourself. 'Hey Aunty ?, I wondered how you would feel about getting in touch with mum again, she's very unwell and would love to hear from you'

You need to respect your mum’s wishes.

she has contacted your auntie who has not reciprocated. This is all about what your mum wants now, your auntie’s feelings definitely don’t trump that.

I have been in a similar situation and while it wasn’t easy, I was duty bound to respect what the poorly person wanted.

Haven’t read all the messages on this thread, but what a very sad and difficult situation for you to be in, OP. I can feel how heavily such long-running family conflict must weigh on you. I am so sorry about your mum.

mum stopped hearing from my auntie. After about 6 months, my mum rang my auntie to see if they were still friends

When my mum called, auntie expressed relief that they could stay in touch and they had a great talk, and said she would call.my mum soon .. but never has.

The thing I take away from this is why does/did your mum have to wait for your auntie to ring her? Why could she not ring her/contact your auntie? Relationships are a two way street and maybe you auntie found it too hard to maintain the friendship given the circumstances, especially if it was a bit of a one way street? It happens all too easily when it’s just one person that has to do the work, maybe your mum doesn’t realise.

my mum died of cancer, it all happened fast (3 months) I wouldn’t have told her relatives that she didn’t speak to, but we did have lots of good talks about what really matters in the end, and she ended up telling her family and rekindled a relationship with her dad, and had a lovely last couple of months sharing memories and ‘putting the past to bed’

i don’t think you should leave this world with regrets but maybe you could try to help your mum come to terms with what is actually happening to her and encourage her to mend relationships while she’s still healthy enough to enjoy it.

I’m sorry OP, it’s a horrible situation for you, it sounds like you’re really supportive and ultimately that’s all she needs you be.

Do it before it is too late and while you are at it tell your Father to grow up. I couldn't forgive my Father if he had made my Mums life hell.

You need to ask your mum. It’s that simple. Would you like me to talk to Aunty X and see if I can broker some kind of contact. She was your friend for so many years and both of you have put your husbands first out of loyalty but your friendship still remains.

If you tell your aunty, won’t she also tell your uncle? Surely that could cause all kinds of things to kick off and you might then be the bad guy in it all, with everybody cross with you? Maybe better to be open with your mum - “mum, if aunty had cancer again I think you’d really want to know, so would you like me to tell her you’re unwell?” If your mum says no then you need to respect that. It is nice that you’re thinking of your aunty’s feelings but this really should be about your mum.

After reading the opinions of people in the same position as your DM, I've changed my mind. I think you should take their thoughts on board and respect your DM's feelings.

I would be so upset that you went against my wishes and did this. I would probably be very careful what I told you in the future.

Honestly what do you think is better for your Mum? Not seeing your Aunt or the predictable family drama. Personally I would leave it.

Also .. maybe your mum had been embarrassed to tell you that she's tried to keep friendship going and it hasn't worked ..

I wouldn't disclose specifics, but call your auntie and tell her mum really needs a friend at the moment. If she still chooses not to, then she can deserve the guilt.

I voted yanbu but I think this might be the best way to go about it.

I am so sorry about your mum💐

Do not take away the little bit of control your mum has over her life and her decisions around her illness. Its a terribly sad situation for the friendship to be in, but you cant ignore her specially stated wishes.

You mum is an adult and you need to respect her feelings about wanting to keep her diagnosis private, even if that makes it harder for you, even if you think she is wrong.

It sounds as though she is still in the process of coming to terms with her prognosis, which is often a gradual thing. Years of work in palliative care have taught me that denial is a powerful and necessary coping mechanism for many people. Breaking her confidence could force her to deal with complicated feelings before she is ready, which could be harmful to her mental health, over and above the painful loss of trust in you that she may experience if you share her sensitive medical information.

Why not have a conversation with her and ask whether she would like your help to get back in contact with Aunt? That way you've raised the issue, but treated her respectfully and maintained her dignity.

I would recommend reading 'With the End in Mind' by Kathryn Mannix, which discusses these issues much more eloquently than I am managing!
💐for you OP, it's really hard when someone becomes very unwell and there are complicated family dynamics. My FIL died without any of his siblings even having known he was unwell, due to a painful family fall-out, so I do know something of what you are going through.

Absolutely agree with this. Your dad and his brother are a pair of selfish old men who should leave the childish behaviour in the past, where it belongs.
But you already know this. Whatever you do op you’re damned, these two would turn it all round on you.
I can imagine this happening.: your dad.“ Not your place to tell her”
Your Uncle, “Why didn’t you tell us she was so ill, Mary is so upset, I’ll never forgive you for not letting her say goodbye” And so the dramas continue.
I’d ask mum if she’d want her sister in law to know.
I know someone like them, she thrives on the drama, loves causing grief and the sad thing is she’s got her daughter involved, she’s turning out to be just like her mother. I will never forgive them for the way they treated my sister when she had terminal cancer, or the way they behaved at her funeral. Cunts the pair of them.

Definitely tell your auntie. Your mum obviously needs and wants to speak to her. Sounds like she misses her terribly.

If you think your mother wants to be in contact with her then I would mention it. But if not just leave it. Your aunts feelings shouldn’t be taken in to consideration.

My mother died of cancer 4 years ago. She didn't want anyone on dads side to know (partly due to feeling embarrassed about being ill and partly a slight fu because they snubbed her once ten year's previous. ) she also didn't want friends /work Colleagues etc to know. So literally the only people who knew were her two children, husband, sister, brother and her best friend. 6 people. We respected her wishes but invited everyone to the funeral and explained she was a very private person.

Sorry to pick on this one message to highlight my point but it was one of the more recent …

If OP’s mum needed and wanted to speak to her SIL then she can do it herself or ask someone to do it for her if she isn’t able. She has cancer - she hasn’t lost her mental capacity (I assume or the OP would have said).

can people please not make decisions for people just because they are ill!

I currently have cancer.

I can't control it, I can't control what's happening to me, the side effects, the impact on my dc, there's very little about this whole situation I have any control over at all.

If someone took it upon themselves to override the small amount of say I have about my own situation I would be furious, even if it was with the best intentions in the world.

It's my health, my life, my cancer and my story to tell, to who I choose, when I choose.

Please don't do this without your mum's express permission.

you could tell your aunty but swear her to secrecy, explain why